SEXY TIP: put a stick pretzel in your mouth, wink at your boo. Swish cheeks around. Pull out regular pretzel you hid in there previously.
Holy cow can you believe my fellow booksellers at @ThirdPlaceBooks
this afternoon include @garthstein
SEATTLE! I am playing "guest bookseller" at @ThirdPlaceBooks
in LFP today at 3pm. Support your local bookstore! ken-jennings.com/blog/archives/…
If Disney made Little Mermaid, Princess & the Frog, and Sleeping Beauty today, they would be called BEACHED, SLIMED, and ROOFIED.
It's Chris Evert, not "Everett." C'mon man.
This Yankee Candle is NUTS today.
Good news! I remembered to "Yes, and..." all the food I was offered today.
Have a SPOOKTACULAR Thanksgiving
My daughter on the Indians: "We didn't have a red crayon." :( pic.twitter.com/WVEQbrviVY
Well, "Diane" just slapped me
More like "Happy T.HanksGiving An Amazing Performance This Year in Captain Phillips!!!"
Probably never going to have sex with Rita Moreno. :(
The person who will write the last tweet ever has probably already been born. They walk around every day ignorant of their destiny.
If you want to give a signed copy of one my books as a holiday present, @ThirdPlaceBooks
can help. ken-jennings.com/blog/archives/…
Not sure if everyone wearing a porkpie hat is much cooler or much less cool than me.
"Aha!" says Thomas Edison. Above his head, a little cartoon cotton gin appears & begins ginning cotton. He has just invented the lightbulb.
People who suck at parking are like people who suck at MarioKart: they always get towed (Toad). Ok this joke may have worked better out loud
I love my wife but she has been around the block a few times. I mean just now. She won't make unprotected lefts downtown.
Good news! We probably don't have to freak out about aliens enslaving us, @neiltyson
tells me via @WABRENNER
I correct Snopes in my new @woot
"Debunker" column: is Black Friday really the year's biggest shopping day? woot.com/blog/post/the-…
I like when TIME magazine has something from the Bible on the cover b/c then I know there's some big world news from the Bible that week.
I hope I never have to go to prison because I bet the wifi isn't very good.
Hey I just heard that "Let my Cameron go" song from Ferris Bueller except it was a parody version about Moses?
I made this fun geography quiz for @CNTraveler
. Is you is or is you ain't a "Maphead"? cntraveler.com/daily-traveler…
Every time someone tweets me a "funny" "Too soon!" @-reply, God kills a puppy. Through me, His angry puppy-killing servant.
Your HOMELESS, PLEASE HELP sign must find the sweet spot between "illegible/crazy-looking" and "too professional, this guy doesn't need me!"
"Oops! Here it is again with the attachment this time." --probably like two-thirds of all emails I send
Real talk: Dr. Pepper Ten and Diet Dr. Pepper taste exactly the same to me.
Decades of NON-MUSLIM presidents were unable to make a deal with Iran. Hmmm.
" 'Djou wait till the geode formed?" is the mnemonic sentence I use to remember how to pronounce "Chiwetel Ejiofor."
This "JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON" sign is taking a real hard line on Thanksgiving if you ask me.
So cool that they finally made a comic about my life. pic.twitter.com/YEElT2Kt5b
As we used to say in my neighborhood: "Wu-Tang isn't anything to mess with."
TRIVIA: the slang term "jacking off" was originally a reference to famed American strip club owner Jack Ruby.
I get so mad when my kids tell me "No." DON'T THEY KNOW THE RULES OF IMPROV
Ain't no party like a spambot party, because a spambot party comprar Hydroxyzine online Ослоебы с korset2 ru снова кидают людей!
Still don't get the hoopla about babies. FACT: lots and lots of people I know used to be babies. Big deal.
Aisha Harris scored 415 on this week's @Slate
News Quiz, which is a great score. CAN YOU BEAT IT? slate.com/articles/news_…
I'll never forget where I was exactly 50 years ago when Roger Sterling's daughter got married.
My favorite Hunger Games character is probably Petruchio Cumsock.
Here's a new "Kennections" trivia puzzle! This one has Lindsay Lohan on it, you guys like her, right parade.com/232657/kenjenn…
Total bullshit when Snoopy says something IN A THOUGHT BALLOON and Woodstock answers him back, like hey what up I'm a telepathic bird.
"Let me know if there's anything I can do to help!" = "I have no interest in helping you bye!"
Million dollar idea - an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
Flavor Flav's greatest struggle against the white oppressor was when iPhones starting autocorrecting his name to "Flavor Flab."
Now is when the half-assed job I did packing away the Christmas decorations last year finally starts paying off!
USA TODAY asks: what happened to Ken Jennings? Let's get to the bottom of this. usatoday.com/story/life/peo…
Between 1am and 5am every night I tweet dozens of Napoleon Dynamite quotes.
I can't believe this guy on Jeopardy tonight who keeps answering "What is BENGHAZI" to every clue. Very disrespectful to the game imho.
Why do people always want a #FF
recommendation just because it's their birthday? That's my day to get you a cute top.