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Ken Jennings

*runs up breathlessly* I HEARD PAUL SIMON WAS ON STAGE AT THE DNC???
We Have Always Lived at the Airport.
Jill Stein is the scientist. His actual name is "Jill Stein's monster."
I like big nuts and I cannot lie
Surprising headline if true.
Europe™: enjoy our nightmare-inducing Kinder Egg toys
What do I have to do to get this guy to #admire me as much as he does Jonathan Frakes
Ironically, his last words were "Don't abbreviate 'Large' on my tombstone."
This is the location tag for all my tweets.
RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign
file photo of Roger Ailes and Gretchen Carlson
When you're in the mood for Mexican food but you're also in Ireland.
Getting worried, this one actually sounds like my work
EITHER I had a haiku-related dissociative fugue yesterday, or my daughter found my phone.
None of you know me as well as the Health app does
Et tu, New York Times?
"But I've never actually seen a candy bar. How am I supposed—" "Just shut up and draw. We'll write CANDY BAR on it"
From the new "Marvel Superheroes Pooping" line
Do you guys like trivia?
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