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Ken Jennings

Walk up to the club like
"Hillary Clinton Is a War Criminal" Twitter got so mad at me last night that my screen still smells like vape juice.
[monster truck announcer voice]
If you look up Ghost (1990) on IMDb, the first thing you see is the movie's star, Stephen Root.
This is my favorite kind of @, which I get 2 or 3 of every time I tweet a joke about politics.
BIG NEWS I'm wearing these One Stars today and @johnroderick just told me theyre the exact shoes Kurt Cobain died in
it's spelled "fam," gramps
I love how NASA looks on the bright side.
Richard Dean Anderson just built a "Eurotrash detector" out of PVC pipe & an alarm clock & it's pointing at this pic
So hard not to say "I told you so" to all the people who doubted my theory over the years.
The kids are all tuckered out after the first day of school.
I'm getting a lot of this in my mentions lately. It's making my #online experience very sensual!
When you're doing a jigsaw puzzle with the squad & someone keeps cheating by looking at the picture on the box.
It never fails. Try to take a Saturday nap and the Jehovah's Witnesses come by.
Started thinking today about how this was my favorite Gene Wilder character.
Little Appropriatin' Annie.
How to Talk to a Lobot Who Is Wearing Headphones
somewhere, at last....these 2 are together again.......
*sighs so loudly and aggrievedly that several other gentlemen in my club look up from their papers* YES, I know
These Fred Armisen fake documentaries are getting more and more outlandish.
I'm quitting Twitter to spend more time on Flight Attendant Meme Pinterest.
Folks, I'm bowing out of the Tweets of the Week contest I just DESTROYED. This award-winning tweet is from 2013.
I don't know anything about Fiona Apple but I guess I was right: all her songs are named for varieties of apple.
The doctor IS IN biatch
 
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