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kelly oxford
comedian comedy hipster 578,901 followers
HERO. RT @CBCNews: Orlando Bloom reportedly tried to punch Justin Bieber in Spain
1. I will be in Sharknado2 tonight for 30 seconds playing a crazy person. 2. I will be on Candidly Nicole tomorrow night for 30 seconds straight up revealing my dislike for birds dove sized and larger. #ItTouchedMyLeg #No
Tomorrow I'll be in my least favorite place, with my least favorite animal, for less than 1 minute... #SHARKNADO2…
On of my favorite people on this planet, multi talented gypsy love woman @jennydianelewis album ✨🌈 THE VOYAGER ⚓️ is released today. Look deep into her umbrella reflected sunglasses, then make your life better by including THE VOYAGER in your life.
I hope this means that if you don't pay $9.95 per month for Sarah Palin's new channel, you never have to see or hear from her again.
This may sound sexist, but there is no greater insult than a man not wanting to have sex with you. Men will fuck basically anything.
The worst seats for my kid to see @5SOS are marked up from $40 to $140 each and I saw Nirvana for $20. Going to drive myself into the ocean.
I hate Ticketmaster for selling to resellers and resellers that up the seat price from $86 to $1600, it's Sunday you assholes. IT'S SUNDAY.
I'm waiting for the day a person is able to make me appreciate & care for The Doors, and on that day, this person will become my lord.
TIP: If a dumb person attempts to start a dumb conversation with you, and you can't straight up call them stupid, walk away.
Dear Mr Bigglesworth, Stop making Henry fall in love with you.
I you didn't understand my last tweet, I could never fall in love with you.
Almost daily, I imagine Google Glass and Elon Musk ending like the Opti-grab and Navin Johnson.
I sent Henry and Sal to my sister's cottage in Canada and now they play poker and drink wine.
Maybe we're let down by our haircuts because we still have the same face.
Thank you NARS! Gertie is giving it. #NARSissist
In one week, watch @nicolerichie torture me with bird dander. #SayNoToBirdDander #candidlynicole
Finally, I've caught an LA news story rollin' at Canadian speed.
I refuse to be the person who tells this man he just spent an hour hiking Fryman with a stuffed toy dog on a leash, and not a real dog. #ExcuseMeFakeBeagle? #calmdown #chillvibes
Hyperballad. Would love to tell 18 year old me this is a thing I'd see and then "post" for 85k people on my phone in a future where I am a mother of three children. BTW- a Tori amos concert is great if you ever want to feel like a sack of shit for quitting piano as a child.
Proud of myself for not experiencing PTSD when someone else showed up in my outfit last night. #TearInYourHat #PreciousTwins #PrettyGoodGlasses #NeverWasADoubleTakeGirl #ThisIsNotReallyHappening #YouBetYourLifeItIs
Parenthood is the original, "It gets better."
If I die today it's because my thirteen year old daughter wouldn't stop talking about @5SOS