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kelly oxford
Get it together girl.
"I-I-it goes without saying, this is not to sound trite [...] I lost a lot of my life in Canada" CNN LADY GET IT TOGETHER
Yeah, guns can fuck right off.
This will be everywhere in a few minutes. Footage of gunfire in Parliiament. I have no idea how police do this. youtube.com/watch?v=XrGqoI…
Situation in Ottawa still considered active. My cousin @sfharris job today is to sit in his office & not get shot. Happy he's good at that!
The gunman in Ottawa has been shot and killed. I'm at a loss for words this morning. That isn't my Canada.
Menstruation is so messy. You guys have no idea how clean we are for you. You'd never do the same. You're welcome.
I never remember to buy makeup because I forget I'm a woman and lipstick is an option and I guess men can wear it too so it's truly a 2014 option for everyone. I never have to remember anything because people just send me shit. Thanks @narsissist 3 lipsticks and a rare steak made my day. #narsissist
I left a cookie in my motherfucking desk and it's gone. Putting my Jessica Fletcher glasses on. pic.twitter.com/gfQxbvH8fU
One time @hommemakerblog came to my house and made my son Henry make a bench with him while I laughed at them in my kaftan by the pool, drinking a sparkling wine and StGermain. They made me pose for this photo, like I'd actually helped. We look like a cute family, but everyone laughs at me behind my
At this Alt-J show trying to figure out how many murderers are here. Like, in general.
out and just got this text from my kids.
"This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies, he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder." Is one of the greatest lines, ever.
⚡️👑 💯#coke 💯 👑⚡️
NORMAL SATURDAY MORNING AT THE PARK. LA KIDS TURN OUT SUPER NORMAL.
Nothing like watching a grown man ask Taylor Lautner for a picture to ruin your Friday night pretty early.
WOKE UP LIKE FRIDAY
The photo on the right was taken one month after the photo on the left, if you've ever wondered why I call bullshit on everything and DGAF. #Tweezer #EIPWYAL #TBT
French kissing in the USA
📱📷 @sosupersam @stopitrightnow being normal against a wall #thateklife #carondelet
'Bout #thateklife 📱📷 @katienehra @erinkleinberg #pastel #ootd #justkidding
I wanted to show my 13yr old a photo of 1993 teen grunge so I dug this photo out. Beside laughing at the ex's face I cut out, she observed, "I CAN'T TELL WHOSE LEGS ARE WHOSE YOURE ALL WEARING THE SAME JEANS" #90sPitfalls #softgrunge #SameJeans #FaceOff #tbt
Getting hit with that puck at the Kings game last night made ESPN's Top 10 plays of the day, so I guess I'm an elite athlete now.
I have a photo of Joan's corned beef hash that I like to look at because it's all I ever want to eat. #victim
FAULT Magazine - issue 19
Love Tina Fey's Bossypants? @cbcbooks thinks you'll love @kellyoxford's Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar: ow.ly/CNO6m
Retweeted by kelly oxford
If you aren't sick of me, you can pick up the 19th issue of Fault Magazine for more stuff about me. Or not. Whatever. fault-magazine.com/2014/10/fault-…
Shock over: I GOT HIT IN THE NECK WITH A PUCK.
I'm not even kidding you. I just got hit in the neck with this puck.
I just got hit with the fucking puck. No joke. pic.twitter.com/KnuwrbljhN
I called 7-1 Kings to @shanenickerson when we walked in here, it may be worse...
This game is painful. I am gonna drink a lot. If you see me drunk on tv, send a photo. #yeg
These dicks are in my way.
Those will most definitely be my dying words. RT @jenhasgreathair Today is the 35th anniversary of Gretzky's first NHL goal!
HOMETOWN TEAM! WATCHED THEM BRING CUP HOME 5 TIMES U DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THAT SHIT! RT @BillBelsey OILERS ?How about Habs or Flames? ;-)
IF I'M MURDERED AT THE KINGS GAME FOR WEARING AN OILERS JERSEY ON THE KINGS BENCH IT'S ALL UR FAULT FOR TELLING ME IT WAS AN OK THING TO DO.
Anyone want to go to the Kings game with me tonight, Kings bench seats? I'm wearing my Oilers jersey. Should be chill.
FYI- Telling a woman she should smile just makes her want to stab you. Stab. Stab. Stab.
I just told her about Ebola. #NoFilter #StraightTalk #SheNeedsToKnow
The moment Bea saw this chair at the tennis courts she climbed up and started to wave, "Hello people down there." #bossbitch
This morning was very E.T.
This is what happens to us white women when we get prosecco. @zandywithaz @susanorlean
if I ever need to lower my heart rate I will think about the $4 ranunculus I get at 8am on Sunday mornings. I'm a simpleton who will never stop eating bread.
"Grunge AF. Who tricked you into being emo?" My 13 yr old came out of photo storage with these and pity.