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kelly oxford
comedian comedy hipster 579,061 followers
#GIAWINE @hommemakerblog @spagettyos #blurrywinenightz
A sneak peak at @nicolerichie and I on tonight's #CandidlyNicole I'll be tortured again (Yoga) later in the season. hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/cand…
I'm at @nicolerichie house just hanging with the horses. Find out why she asked me to Instagram that tonight on VH1 #candidlynicole 💜 (related: she's a dork) 💜
I was just cleaning Henry's desk and found this. #RichAndFamous🇺🇸
Loved being the bitch on the plane that was eaten by a shark while taking a shit. #sharknado2 REGRAM: @sarahthyre
Yes, I was eaten by a shark while on a plane toilet. #Sharknado2
HERO. RT @CBCNews: Orlando Bloom reportedly tried to punch Justin Bieber in Spain pic.twitter.com/JTeSOLuEBs
1. I will be in Sharknado2 tonight for 30 seconds playing a crazy person. 2. I will be on Candidly Nicole tomorrow night for 30 seconds straight up revealing my dislike for birds dove sized and larger. #ItTouchedMyLeg #No
Tomorrow I'll be in my least favorite place, with my least favorite animal, for less than 1 minute... #SHARKNADO2 syfy.com/videos/Sharkna…
On of my favorite people on this planet, multi talented gypsy love woman @jennydianelewis album ✨🌈 THE VOYAGER ⚓️ is released today. Look deep into her umbrella reflected sunglasses, then make your life better by including THE VOYAGER in your life.
I hope this means that if you don't pay $9.95 per month for Sarah Palin's new channel, you never have to see or hear from her again.
This may sound sexist, but there is no greater insult than a man not wanting to have sex with you. Men will fuck basically anything.
BÆ BEA LOVES FISHING
The worst seats for my kid to see @5SOS are marked up from $40 to $140 each and I saw Nirvana for $20. Going to drive myself into the ocean.
I hate Ticketmaster for selling to resellers and resellers that up the seat price from $86 to $1600, it's Sunday you assholes. IT'S SUNDAY.
I'm waiting for the day a person is able to make me appreciate & care for The Doors, and on that day, this person will become my lord.
TIP: If a dumb person attempts to start a dumb conversation with you, and you can't straight up call them stupid, walk away.
Dear Mr Bigglesworth, Stop making Henry fall in love with you.
I you didn't understand my last tweet, I could never fall in love with you.
Almost daily, I imagine Google Glass and Elon Musk ending like the Opti-grab and Navin Johnson.
I sent Henry and Sal to my sister's cottage in Canada and now they play poker and drink wine.
Maybe we're let down by our haircuts because we still have the same face.