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the endorsements are coming in fast and loose now
bored in the bedroom? try calling your spouse sugarpubes
Every #miitomo pic of me is a stage of "professor Karen"
tabasco is a good standard. the chipotle and green tabasco flavs are good…
I can’t fuck with franks. it doesn’t taste like much…
what is Ghost in the Darkness? Does it have a butt painted on it…
purse hot sauces: -Crystal -Cholula -Louisiana -Valentina -Tapatio
did Hillary say which hot sauce she keeps in her purse? It’s probably frank’s red hot
this tinsley mortimer story is depressing
Look I went to coachella
I make it with buttercream with almond extract because I intend to get superdiabetes…
fantasizing about funfetti cake
who is this joke for
that group is like the Stax Records of shit…
I don’t even want to hold people’s babies. I would 100% leave an infant on a bus by accident on its first day
omg imagine someone trusting me with a child
OMG. My 3 year old just asked me why anyone would believe Hillary’s leftist bona fides when she worked for Goldwater.
patton oswalt looks like he’s about an hour away from taking another twitter vacation
everything I have ever tweeted is 100% scientifically, historically and medically accurate
Someone spilled a bottle of Marks and Sparks spring flower body spray in my elevator
I need to do the Baby Foot treatment again
.@realDonaldTrump where are you going to find enough mafia connected polish immigrants to build a wall that big
will i beat my record of ridiculously early bed times tonight? we shall soon see
or literally anyone who has had one life experience…
first, Cameron doesn’t have to resign, and now Boaty McBoatface is withdrawn. I thought England was a democracy
noooo! don’t make your dog have hot poops…
someone explain to me how you give your dogs “puppaccinos” at Starbucks and they don’t get diarrhea
It's definitely going to rain soon downtown #dlws
.@ByYourLogic my mother takes her own mayo to her favorite chippy because they only have miracle whip.
Twitter lovin, had me a blast Twitter lovin, happened so fast Met a girl, into poly Emailed her husband, I do I.T.
Retweeted by Sad About Prince
it’s feeling like it may rain in the church corridor
"Britain cannot afford to be in the EU anymore" -woman who pays 2 polish cleaners and a Portuguese nanny under the table
"Britain is better off without the Eurocrats" -guy on stag do in the tippelzone, off his tits on jagermeister, in a Messi kit
"Britain can do without the EU." -woman wearing Irish sweater, watching Big Brother
"Britain needs to reject the EU" - woman chastising a cab driver in Marbella for "not speaking proper English"
"It's time for England to get out of the EU" -woman in line at Aldi with a 6 pack of Stella
Who is the person who goes to McDonald's and is still hungry after a large fry value meal? I eat like a sumo wrestler & can't imagine it
1 of the funniest bits of TV gossip is still that one of the regular QI guests requests the questions ahead of time because they need to win
I got an eyelash in my dabs AMA
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