Apparently my Muslim friend Baz had a few problems getting to our party on the bus tonight. pic.twitter.com/dnhwKI6Ie9
Oh for crying out loud. Now he wants a fucking receipt.
People who buy drinks in a busy pub with a credit card should be hit with a bat.
Why are all the Welsh so cross with me?
Fast winds causing terrifying scenes this morning... pic.twitter.com/xEsSIca7le
You know what they call an Apple Mac in France? An Apple Royale With Cheese.
I've just had a drink with the Icelandic ambassador. Also, we ate a shark.
God almighty, Twitter's in a bad mood tonight. I think I'll leave you too it. No hair pulling.
I don't know Nigella but I do feel very sorry for her.
The main reason why I am so in touch with my feminine side is because - as you've all spotted - I did start out in life as an actual girl.
It seems I am about to turn on the Christmas lights in Shepherd's Market in Mayfair. With Sir Stirling Moss. If you're about, come along.
And this is how we looked after the 4th. pic.twitter.com/YLee1RoVFo
Reaction to #SaintsFC
going one up at The Chelsea 'Who are You?' @JeremyClarkson pic.twitter.com/d5RR7fcKTU
If someone had said 15 years ago that I'd be going to a football match with @tiff_tv
, I'd have vomited up my own spleen. But here we are...
We've just been interviewed by @jonholmes1
on XFM. For some reason, Hammond enjoyed it very much. pic.twitter.com/q9AHstTlvt
I'm wondering. Does the Royal Opera House say in its promotional material "An opera house rather than a strip club"? pic.twitter.com/1IZMmxsdrk
Hammond is doing the 1 show. He said he wouldn't try to look up Alex's skirt. I meanwhile will be trying not to look up Norton's trousers.
It's that time of year when I have to get off my arse and flog the annual DVD. Weirdly, I have not been asked back on The One Show.
All Top Gear fans in the Ukraine are equal. But some are more equal than others. pic.twitter.com/JN3ozh80Xd
I liked being in the Ukraine.
The sheer size of the Kiev protests beggar belief. As you can see from my picture of them. pic.twitter.com/71iYaZLsxv
This is a photograph of Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin taken outside the actual house in Yalta where they met. pic.twitter.com/AEDlxZzSIP
I took a photograph on my trip across the Ukraine. Here it is. pic.twitter.com/KQli5b6srR
I wonder. Would Bernie let Top Gear organise a race next year? I think we could make it fun.
People of the Ukraine. Thankyou for a very warm welcome. Well, warm for me because I'm indoors.
The weird date I'm on with @MrJamesMay
is about to be interrupted by the arrival of a short, angry Brummie.
All the way, I kept the paper bag on my knee.
As you can see. pic.twitter.com/KzdsgK5R2B
Strictly speaking, the girls are gonna knock us out.
Goodbye Turkey. Thanks for the hangover.
And now we're going where the girls will make us sing and shout.
My dinner date with May has gone wrong pic.twitter.com/bx3yhCYYp5
We are in Istanbul for one night. Then we shall meet Hammond at a secret location in another country to start work.
If anyone sees @MrJamesMay
and me in Istanbul this evening, we're on our way to a job. It's not a date or anything.
So here we are. On a Turkish Airlines flight to Istanbul.
Steven Gerrard's "I've missed" face belongs in a porn film.
Just to be clear. The sponsor of this England match on ITV is a German tyre company.
Why does this football match matter? Why?
To all of the 47 people who came to see me writing my name in books this evening: thankyou.
Guys if you have a sec, please vote for the nuts @hunter_vc
in his bid for some crazy Arctic Expedition! Thank you (: fjallravenpolar.com/polar-2014/sho…
People of Chipping Norton. I'm off now to write my name in some books at Jaffe and Neale.
Please vote for @hunter_vc
so he can go to the arctic with @Fjallraven_Swe
I think you should go too @JeremyClarkson fjallravenpolar.com/polar-2014/sho…
Please twitter. I need your help. Did anyone find a laptop on the 19:02 Southern train from Chichester to Southampton tonight? V important.
I once said that Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress.
I was wrong.
In fact, it is an excellent film. Really excellent.
The John Lewis ad: I thought the bear was scared of getting TB from the badgers.
iTunes says the original file for various songs can't be found. Anyone know where the bastard puts them?
This hotel is hysterically bad. Half the staff seem to have bird flu
At long last, I have found the Worst Hotel in the World.
Novotel. Bangkok Airport.
To be clear, we are STILL filming the special. Miles behind schedule. 12 crew down. The rest of us utterly knackered.