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Jay Cartwright
actor 184,040 followers

RIP to all the dead nintendogs who haven't been fed since 2008.
A 6-pack on a skinny lad is like big tits on a fat girl. It doesn't count.
Friday, I fucking love you.
If you're on an iphone γ…€click here for a magic trick
"No filter" Oh fucking well done, you uploaded a picture without changing it. Have a fucking medal.
Me: *Breathes* Mum: Watch your fucking tone.
Seeing a lads 'selfie' and cringing for his existence.
Monica & Chandler's twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe's triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let's just take a moment to let that sink in.
It's every lads favourite day #CleavageThursday Get your pics in now ladies!
Deleting one 'ha' from from your 'hahahhahahaha' because you feel like it's too much.
When a girl says "I'll set you up with my best friend she's really pretty" = she's a fat ugly munter
Pointing at an ugly fat girl when you're out and saying to your mate "one for you"
Is Mayweather vs Khan being shown on Sky Sports? Or Comedy Central?
Me whenever I see someone from school in public...
Why do people have 'Maga 2013' in their bio? I went to Asda in February but that's not in my bio.
If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the petrol station.
iPhones be like... πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜œπŸ˜ Androids be like... β—½β—½β—½β—½
You're so ugly even Cillit wouldn't bang you!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your mum.
Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do, steal your crayons?
I remember September like it was yesterday
Girls who walk around with hairbands on their wrist are always prepared to give blow jobs.
My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what was I doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer
I changed my screen saver to a picture of Newcastle keeper Tim Krul.. And now my computer won't save anything.
I call my girlfriend 'Newcastle'.. Because she kicks off every 10 minutes.
Do us all a favour and take them fucking pathetic eyelashes off the front of your car you bellend!
Making your opponent watch the replay of your goal on FIFA14 over and over because you're a top cunt
I wish my phone would stop correcting "omg" to "OMG"... I'm not that shocked.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes.
"Talk dirty to me 🎢🎡🎧" "I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off you twat!"
"Wow, that is a nice looking pair of Crocs." Said no one fucking ever!!
Men who shave their arms and legs probably shave their vaginas as well