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Jake Fogelnest
Great news! I've been asked to write the 33⅓ book on this album.
You would not believe the resistance I'm getting from people about STEELY DANK, my Steely Dan cover band where all the songs are about weed.
Apple giving us all U2 albums is still a better move then when Radio Shack gave out those GG Allin cassettes with every Tandy 1000.
Retweeted by Jake Fogelnest
. @jakefogelnest anyone who fights you on this is gonna have to fight us too
Retweeted by Jake Fogelnest
Look, The Beach Boys did some really good stuff after "Smiley Smile." I don't want to get in a fight about it.
What kind of sociopath hasn't contributed to @Kulap's beautiful documentary yet? Stop making me sick, you creeps.…
I'm on a plane and they're making us turn off our phones, but before I do, I just want to remind everyone that I'm adorable and fun.
Hey, @arzE. The woman at Virgin America LAX Gate 36 is listening to Vampire Weekend on the computer they use to check boarding passes.
Welcome back to "Circle Jerks or Avril Lavigne Lyrics?" Today's stumper: "All the people look the same/Don't they know they're so damn lame"
Retweeted by Jake Fogelnest
The gold iPhone is a classy choice.
My Uber driver is listening to "Anaconda" and @billyeichner is on Letterman tonight!!!
"Let's Be Mops." Not as exciting of a movie. Would be real boost for the mop industry though. Following me is totally optional by the way.
Blinky is the worst Pac-Man ghost. He just seems really arrogant.
I'm in the Illuminati. It fucking rules.
Anthony Atamanuik and @julieklausner as two embittered Brill Building songwriters. Check out the sketch I directed on @funnyordie.
I will tweet about this again in the morning because only weirdos are awake now. That being said: #BrillBruisers.…
I've taken up painting as a hobby. What do you guys think?
I think it's sick The Replacements are back on NBC. They are disrespectful troublemakers. Bastards Of Young AND Old, if you ask me.
While at the dentist's office today I heard both "Fame" and "Flashdance... What A Feeling," so be checking for those royalties Irene Cara!
If only The Ramones were alive to record a song called "I Don't Wanna Listen To Bono."
.@HI_ITS_JAMARCUS Never say this to me you giant nerd.
In an effort to be classier, I ask that you all refer to me as "American satirist, Jake Fogelnest."
Please allow time in your schedule tomorrow for something from @ACNewman and I on @funnyordie. I know you have many comedic video options.
I have a big meeting this morning and whenever there's a moment I'm gonna quietly do this: *Kate Bush backup vocals* "Jeux sans frontieres."
I'm having an insane Fashion Week this year.
Here's a picture of me fighting off my online haters and hanging out with a hot babe.
I can't say for certain, but I bet that Bill Maher doesn't know how to do "The Cup Song."
If you think I'm "too cute" to be super into Satan, you're wrong.
I got a nice haircut today. I am a nice boy.
I hang out by the lockers for The Mummy ride at Universal Studios. I bully the Minions by stuffing them in the lockers.
"Hello. I am Giorgio. I have perfected the electronic orgasm. Welcome to a new era of pleasure."
I go to a "rock and roll barbershop" on Melrose, so don't you dare tell me that punk is dead, Mom.
If I don't follow you on Twitter, you're probably a loser. That's right. I'm listening to King Tuff right now and I'm ready to bully dweebs.
Stay away from that Rap Genius website, there's curse words all over that thing.
Some girl changes her whole personality to impress some loser in a leather jacket at a segregated high school. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
This entitled teen cuts school and runs around Chicago all day thinking he's some kind of big shot or something. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Hi, can someone photoshop the name TED BARF onto an Amex Black Card? I would laugh at that and would even consider retweeting it.