You say tomato. Stop talking.
Credit card companies make inspiring commercials to make you feel great about accumulating more debt.
framesxbones from @r_44
So grateful for this awesome @diplo
(free to download, pass it on!) ☺️🙏
Like eggnog, every holiday tradition can be made better with alcohol.
Carbs can make you depressed, but not as depressed as finding out that carbs can make you depressed.
Lasted almost seven minutes before complaining about something today!
How did we know to eat before advertising?
I hesitate to participate in anything that requires me to wear pants.
I need an unsubscribe option from modern society.
Pretty sure none of the 15 habits of highly successful people is spending time reading lists.
Beer before liquor, ew, carbs.
Captain EOh yeah
One of them days.
💀 Tomb Sweet Tomb 💀
Me explaining things to @cabbagecontrol
Idea: Like a mud run, but with neither of those things.
All that's missing is a time machine to the late 1970s. Related - Someone please sign me in soon.
I'm not like other vegans. I eat meat.
I sort of want this / royalties for this. cc:@Disney pic.twitter.com/GHkRxivMbo
Don't like people who are different than you? Step out of your comfort zone and into oncoming traffic.
I mistake most kindness as people catfishing me.
The US is #1 at being in denial that we’re no longer #1.
Humans: messing things up since forever
Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, surprise I’m a masochist.
My hashtag obsession is both a #blessing
and a #curse
At the GQ Men of the Year party. Feeling really #chic
I can’t stand people who can stand themselves.
You can tell Lady Gaga is a great artist because she spends so much time explaining what her art is.
It would be cool if more things were pie.
Sad I'll never have Joan Didion in my crew.
Don't offer me a ride on your Vespa unless you brought me a matching helmet and some old-timey motorist goggles.
Can you believe the last movie ever rented at Blockbuster was a social media stunt?
Top 10 Ways to Read a List
Using lol when I text to mask my uncertainty. lol.
Do you realize that as adults we can go roller skating WHENEVER we want?
"Holy Guacamole" sums up my religious beliefs.
A dystopian future where twitter sends me notifications about what other people like.
Getting back together? Taylor? Hon?
Take my money, take my family, but please don’t kill my vibe.
Juice - because chewing fruits and vegetables is for chumps.