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Diablo Cody
I had a shitty dream last night that I called 911 and the dispatcher was noodling on a classical guitar and telling me to "be more chill."
#OOTD uniform skirt with hesher tee. Except you can't really see the outfit, and I'm not really an outfit person, so I guess this is really Bitchface of the Day. #BOTD. Also... Welcome back @sarahsowitty! πŸ†πŸ’
OH NO, NOW IT'S "BEAST OF BURDEN"! Do these people know my entire set list?!
I'm writing in a bar, and they just put on "Armageddon It," and I had to suppress the Pavlovian instinct to give someone a lap dance.
I would sometimes have to censor the outrageous shit the kids said. They would complain about their host families and I'd be like "Masha says she's very grateful!" Still love my Russians. #tbt #1999 #любовь
I admire classic filmmakers. They make me want to step up my game. For instance, Orson Welles would be on his 5th BLT & scotch at this hour.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
@jillianharris my wife @diablocody and I love you, and we have an "open concept" marriage, just FYI ;)
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
An insult to the class. #tbt #1997 #journal πŸ„
All us old weirdos who've been dealing with online shit since the '90s think your "modern" thinkpieces about your hurt feelings are cute.
CONFESSION: Sometimes I'll casually leave a Tampax Ultra wrapper lying out so people will know how big I am. ;)
We felt like Islands.
If we're being honest, I wish I was a little less about that bass.
Do you think anyone has put the watch on their penis yet, and if not, who will be first
I can't wait to see "Love & Mercy." Brian Wilson is my hero.
I found a saved document on my computer that's just Ben & Jerry's flavors I invented while stoned.
Jill is the Warmest Duggar
HELLBRINGER McSHITDUMP, THE BIG RED BLIGHT ON YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, is what I'd call him.
If a monstrously huge red dog came into my possession, I wouldn't name it fucking "Clifford."
I dreamed @robdelaney and I were at the airport. Gate attendant says "Now pre-boarding #ChristianDadsWhoVape" and Rob was like, bye. #true
Bruno Mars never talks about his love life because we're very private people.
"Kent" was my guitar. I can't imagine why this guy dumped me! #fbf #college #90s #outerspace
Greg Evigan was the dad.
You guys, Aaron's rad to the extreme AND he likes Ani DiFranco! #tbt #1998 #diary
I just told my brother about the celebrity hacking thing and he goes "Did they get Courtney Thorne-Smith?"
worth it RT @Playboy Meet the LA residents who waited nearly 24 hours for their city's first Dunkin' Donuts - ply.by/U09bml
THE 1 GUY FROM ZZ TOP WHO DOESN'T HAVE A BEARD HAS THE LAST NAME "BEARD."
On a long phone call right now and drawing Ariana Grande w/ a bunny.
Actually, I would put a bumper sticker on a Bentley.
Remember when we first heard Sir Mix-a-Lot compare his dong to a snake? Thanks to "Anaconda", we can relive that joy with our children.
iPhone just autocorrected "Khalifa" to "Karloff," because my texts about Frankenstein clearly outnumber my texts about hip-hop.
Thanks for the memories, Chelsea!
If you've ever dreamed of seeing me, @Alanis, and Buzz Aldrin on the same stage, you may want to tune into E! at 11 tonight. #ChelseaFinale
I bet the person who came up with the term "blow job" did it just to confuse generations of fourth-graders.
"NEVER apologize for being too drunk. We don't do that in this family!" - Inspirational speech from my husband this morning.
This is badass. She's 81. Don't give up. deadline.com/2014/08/ellen-…
The character I play when I'm parenting in front of other people is such a great mom.
Regram from @lorenescafaria : the best! @inthehenhouse @lizmeriwether #latergram
Well, my number was up! Thanks for the nominations, @kellyoxford and William! #IceBucketChallenge
Take my money, Pat O'Brien's memoir.
#tbt When Winston was my only baby.
Is this a mariachi version of "Ni**as in Paris" or am I going crazy?
We've been at this party for 15 minutes and they coerced us into a boudoir shoot.
Guys, it took me 6 long years to get a follow-back from someone from "Jersey Shore." But I did it. I fucking did it. Hang in there and believe in yourselves.
#tbt Mom barely tolerating my 90s fashion choices. (I couldn't decide if I wanted to be Kurt or Courtney so I went with both. Also had "slut" written on my arms and stomach with purple lipstick.)
I like to record bottomless, with my left nostril firmly packed with cocaine. Deli tray optional, but appreciated.