Long ago, some genius said, "Hey ladies, let's use these hot tongs to burn our hair into curly shapes!"
And if you need six-second screenwriting advice, turn to @briankoppelman
OMG, is it my birthday? RT @vulture
Slaps, lies and videotape: Irene's true story of 1998's The Real World: Seattle. vult.re/1jsVG35
I got to 5'9 eating pizza and Lik-m-Aid, so there's no reason to force your kids to eat vegetables.
50 yrs ago, JFK was assassinated. They said, "America has lost its innocence." This provided a big laugh for blacks and Native Americans.
Loving him was like driving a used Kia Sportage down a dead-end street.
My movie "Paradise" is now at @redbox
if you haven't seen it yet. REDD'N THE BOX! bit.ly/1gaOdXA
People who say they want 5 kids haven't had their first one yet.
I'm writing a horror movie about someone who falls in love & later discovers their partner has those comedy/tragedy masks on a sweatshirt.
"Writer Hospitalized After Punching Hand Mirror She Was Squatting Over."
Th P&P ads on Craigslist are all, "I don't do this very often!" Like bottoming for coke at 10 AM is just a fun activity for the day.
Bangs seem a lot less cute when you call them pimple-curtains.
today! Love 'em. Listen here: earwolf.com
It's so cute how when I was a kid, I didn't realize these two were obviously fucking: youtube.com/watch?v=K6SWN3…
I remember nothing about my child's school calendar, but can still sing entire Carnival Cruise jingle from 1988.
If you still haven't seen PARADISE & you have feelings, we're on DVD tomorrow (11/12) & Redbox 11/19. U can also still stream, just sayin'!
(I don't really have O.D.D., but it's a great excuse to be awful and day-drink.)
Guys, I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. If u say something's "required" viewing/reading, I'm just gonna stomp around & make fart noises.
Of course everyone is cutting their hair off as I'm growing mine out. I also just discovered Juicy sweatpants.
If you want some great advice about the industry (not from me, obvs!) @TheReelAnderson
is going off right now...
This was the best era for the Beach Boys! IDGAF what anyone says! #Carl #SoTough youtube.com/watch?v=rjhHB4…
I hope Nicki Minaj's next fragrance is called "Did It On 'Em."
1932, Photograph of an unknown man during the Depression. pic.twitter.com/vIbsF8IT5X
Billboards for "The Best Man Holiday" are making me feel super unattractive.
I just need 4 more people to learn all of the Temptations' choreography with me.
Anyone else working at home, not having any Halloween fun? Just me?
I got a copy of @robdelaney
's new book! Total one-handed read for later. I'm going to eat a plum with the other hand.
GET IT, GIRL. @kellyoxford @Deadline
Fox Buys Retirement Home Comedy From Twitter Writer Kelly Oxford dlvr.it/4CBkFN
You know you're from Chicago when you still absently mention that you need to go to Osco.
Queen Latifah is unsurprisingly awesome.
I am on the Queen Latifah Show with Nicki Minaj and Panic! At The Disco today. For real.
♪ Ate all my kids' fishes 'cause they're evil & delicious. Gone Goldfishin'♪ #asshole
If you ever worry that your art is too specific, remember that someone had a hit song in the '80s about relaxing before you ejaculate.
OK, done plugging. I had the best conversation about Bruce Jenner with a stranger at Ralph's today.
If you don’t enjoy the company of your fellow man, watch #Paradise #OnDemand
or on @iTunesMovies
If you enjoy the company of your fellow man, head to a theater and check out #Paradise
I'm Daisy Coleman, The Teenager At The Center Of The… jane.io/19WePLh
You can also watch #Paradise
on iTunes and VOD!
Also: if I've ever plugged your book, film or show, now's the time to reciprocate and help out ol' George Bailey. xo
Today is the day: #Paradise
in theaters. Experience the beautiful colors on the big screen, in public! But don't masturbate!
A "Tasty Exit" is an old cop expression for wrapping a butter-and-syrup-drenched waffle around a gun and putting it in your mouth.