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Diablo Cody
Take my money, Pat O'Brien's memoir.
#tbt When Winston was my only baby.
Is this a mariachi version of "Ni**as in Paris" or am I going crazy?
We've been at this party for 15 minutes and they coerced us into a boudoir shoot.
Guys, it took me 6 long years to get a follow-back from someone from "Jersey Shore." But I did it. I fucking did it. Hang in there and believe in yourselves.
#tbt Mom barely tolerating my 90s fashion choices. (I couldn't decide if I wanted to be Kurt or Courtney so I went with both. Also had "slut" written on my arms and stomach with purple lipstick.)
I like to record bottomless, with my left nostril firmly packed with cocaine. Deli tray optional, but appreciated.
Wasn't this a Natalie Portman movie where she had a toilet baby or something? @AP 14-year-old boy lives at a WalMart:
"If you can't handle me at my blurst, then you don't deserve to see my vest." -- Mr. Burns on Facebook
"It's Charging: Helping Children Cope With Separation From the iPad."
Babysitting a noisy gargoyle. 💕
This is exceptionally powerful. Spend some of your day reading through these.…
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
I'm not here to start no trouble, I'm just here to do the #Supermoon Shuffle.
IS it possible for someone to invent a cord from the handset to the Telephone that does NOT tangle itself to death ??
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
90s KIDS: Remember how Flintstone's Push-Ups came with their own applicator so you didn't have to touch your pussy?
Guys, two of the Duggars just went gluten-free.
Screech: "You're such a prick." Slater: "Why don't you say that to my face?" BUT HE JUST DID.
I could really go for some Runts right now.
Lucky me, had lunch w& spilled the tea with @jeffytee!
YESSS "@THR: Rick Springfield to Rock Out With Meryl Streep in 'Ricki and the Flash'
#tbt In my Bears jersey, about to blow the candles out on my birthday cake that my brother (lower left) has ALREADY EATEN A PIECE OF.
"Taco Bell is the worst food in the world!"-- my wrongheaded, misguided son who knows nothing.
They edited out the word "Koons" in the Kidz Bop version of "Applause."
This movie is really good. RT @LoreneScafaria If you missed COHERENCE in theaters it's now on VOD and an Editors' Choice on iTunes! SEE IT!
@sarahsowitty does not spoil my kids at all.
Gigantic katydid at my door. #nature
Paul Feig is walking the walk, people!
The movie "Big" would never work now because every 30 year-old acts like that.
THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN! What was that, like a 90 minute refractory period?
Turn volume up and you can hear a lady having an amazing orgasm at my hotel.
Drinks a lot of beer, can match me slice for slice on pizza night, exercises when he feels like it. UNFAIR.
I'm going to start a place at the airport called "COFFEE" that's just a quick-service line for plain coffee from a pot.
July 27th is the happiest day of the year for me, because it's the day both my kids were born. We were pretty surprised when Rocco decided to pop out on his brother's second birthday-- the nurse said she'd only seen that happen one other time in 10 years. Here's to my two Leos jockeying for attentio
Did you guys see the "Sam and Cat" finale? Crazy that the whole thing was just a dream iCarly had.
I don't think "hilarious" is the word they were looking for.
"Change the lens!" @sarahsowitty roared at the cinematographer. If these people couldn't do their jobs, she'd do it for them. Sighing, she mounted the camera itself. "Picture's up, assholes," she growled.
I'm glad Britney has a lingerie line, but I won't be satisfied until there's an officially licensed skin-suit.
This is my first pair of Warby Parkers-- I am crazy nearsighted (-9.00 in both eyes!) and didn't think they'd be able to pull it off, but the lenses are nice and thin. Would recommend. I'm smart now and have to go learn stuff about isosceles triangles, bye.
This Craiglist poster is really demanding.
#FF @katherinefugate and @NiaVardalos because they're pretty and they just #FF'd each other and I'm creating an #FF-hole. #FF #Hole
Bruno Mars sighed as Kiefer bit his shoulder. Who could have known that Santa Carla was full of vampires? Or that he could feel this way?
I did a fun interview with @cindi_leive ... thanks @glamourmag! :
Please enjoy my episode of "Professor Blastoff" starring Tig Notaro, @kyledunnigan & @huntsbergerjunk !…
Weird Al's long game is inspiring.