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Dan Willis
After a successful mission, I salute the inventor of the drinks carrier attachment on the #silvercross wayfarer!
One the home straight.. I've neither lost the baby, nor given her any form of alcohol.. Things are looking good!!
#Woolworths; doddle, reckon it'll be harder when she's learned a words like Ice, Cream, Lollies & emotional blackmail
30mins into mission, 1st use of dummy- I dont have many weapons left; my wife has the best 2 & she took them shopping
A walk seems logical, am beginning to think purple isn't the most manly colour for prams. But we're prams ever manly?
Mummy's gone shopping, leaving an overweight comedian in charge of this little tyke.. What could possibly go wrong?
Was about to tweet about all the automotive aerodynamic devices in the latest episodes of #Supernatural & #WalkingDead but hey, no spoilers!
Only 6 cops keeping an empty Richmond platform safe? They might have a little more to do in sunshine! #earnyourcash
'Nick Clegg now backs curbs on benefits tourism' Of course he does, fickle, spineless, vote-chasing cunt that he is.
Retweeted by Dan Willis
#WalkingDead What do I miss most about Bob Stookey? His optimism & loyalty, or that he looked like Willis from diff'rent strokes? #namesake
I love my wife and would never be unfaithful to her.. But that #AshleyMadison jingle is so catchy, I'm swaying.. Damn you advertisers!
Dora can stick her backpack. Incy Wincy Spider, that's a true hero; The rain would knock him down, he'd dust himself off & climb that spout!
The UK’s best city: #NewcastleuponTyne via As voted by the @guardian- all I had to do was move away and they won!
After climbing too many steps every day in July (1000 steps, Melbourne). My legs broke, now they've broke again: The wonders of shinsplints!
My apologies to the people of #Melbourne, I moved here 3 yrs ago from Newcastle Upon Tyne, England and I definitely brought the weather me.
I told my wife not to make a big deal about the fan in the kitchen, but there she goes, putting it on a pedestal..
Last night a friend of mine described his current sex life as being like when #NUFC were "The Entertainers" under...
I really hate tweets and posts about hypocrisy.
It's sunny as hell & you forget your hat, that's what Salvos r for! Slip slop flamin slap, I've a bush whackers hat!
Watched the #BandAid30 video.. Happy to donate, but I only recognised half of the singers, I should probably also donate to #HelpTheAged !
It's 8.40pm, Sunday and we've just realised that we haven't thought about dinner.. #Parenting the diet of the future..
Did a corporate for #Mensa last night, twas like performing to 100 #BigBangTheory characters.. Mainly Leonards & Howard's, great fun stuff 😃
I stopped learning the #Piano after about ten lessons, thus I never did find out whether "Mr Frog" ever found his hops???
I have no knowledge of Russian Cuisine asides from that I don't like Vodka.. With them invading tomorrow, I'd better get brushing up..
2 Grizzlies, a Koala and a Panda all told me the lottery result, but I put my Gran & Dads numbers on- I listened to the wrong forebears..
As my #dog has been known to chomp its own & other dogs poop, I'm not thinking how food's cooked bothers her at all.
4th #nufc match in a row I've stayed up to watch,.. Not wanting too much credit, but I reckon Alan Pardew owes me a pint
Sat in #Perth departure lounge, way too early for my flight, but the 38°C heat was causing me to crave the mild breeze of air-conditioning.
Is Australian #graffiti really sinking this low? They don't even qualify for Panto anymore.. #SClub7
Back in #1992 I traveled across the #USA, visiting friends and generally living like a hippy on a train.. Whilst...
Tonight, the Charles Hotel shall be home to comedy, Jokes will be merrily told and Perth will chuckle at the word bum..
I'm gigging tonight at The National Hotel, #Freemantle; There's me, some comedians, beer and free sex.. Note: Free Sex is not guaranteed
At an open mic in Perth, 15 comedians and I don't know anybody, it's 2001 all over again.. Mind you, back then I had a job..
Off to Perth for a week of comedy gigs, lots of silliness will ensue.. Starting with me making my first airport journey as a car driver..
Remastered #MichaelJackson & #freddiemercury duet is days from being released, yet I seem to be the only person excited, that cant be right?
As #Sunday goes, cold with a touch of drizzle, overcast & not much to do.. If #TheWaltons were on TV, I'd be right back in the late 70's!
Yesterday 30ºC and Sunny as Cher's ex husband.. Today hail-storms and rain.. #Melbourne, tomorrow I'm expecting frogs to fall from the sky!
Thirsty, Fridge, Beerless, Shop Closed. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words
It's only taken 3 weeks, but Ive just discovered a baby seat is the perfect vessel for the transportation of takeaway Indian food. #macgyver
It's nearly November, the Sun has been scorching me at +30's today.. Life in #Melbourne is a little different to #Newcastle Upon Tyne..
Kids in scary costumes may look frightening. But when you've killed as many as I have, you realise they're no more dangerous than you or I.
Retweeted by Dan Willis
To fulfill my need for men in tight Lycra reading poems; I'll be performing at the Exford Hotel this eve, in CockBags Halloween Spectacular.
Micro sleeps, that's the way to handle #parenthood - I think I caught between 2 and 3 seconds here..
#WalkingDead S05E03 !SPOILERS! Now, how stupidly fan freaking tastic are the universes entwining themselves in at...
#singalong I was a PFC on a search patrol huntin' Charlie down It was in the jungle wars of '65 My weapon jammed...
Fair play to @jimmycarr.. Whilst other comedians are slaving away trying desperately to get attention, he cracks...
For the first time yesterday I was asked "Sandwich or Toast", I answered "Sandwich", this morning I regretted my actions. #Australian bakers
If you're described as "From celebrity #BigBrother", your celebrity has already ended. You'll realise this in about a year, Im just helping.
Now, after one entire week and one entire day of #Fatherhood, I've just got to ask- who's tiring who out????
Just watched Episode 2, Season 5 of #WalkingDead, this is the point of which I should slap a spoiler warning.....