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Dan Willis
After a successful mission, I salute the inventor of the drinks carrier attachment on the #silvercross wayfarer! pic.twitter.com/152v7Bfhye
One the home straight.. I've neither lost the baby, nor given her any form of alcohol.. Things are looking good!! pic.twitter.com/UFcFFPUHAS
#Woolworths; doddle, reckon it'll be harder when she's learned a words like Ice, Cream, Lollies & emotional blackmail pic.twitter.com/7Y2QvaFtdY
30mins into mission, 1st use of dummy- I dont have many weapons left; my wife has the best 2 & she took them shopping pic.twitter.com/jXw8Q52xMQ
A walk seems logical, am beginning to think purple isn't the most manly colour for prams. But we're prams ever manly? pic.twitter.com/LAMgrbi2gj
Mummy's gone shopping, leaving an overweight comedian in charge of this little tyke.. What could possibly go wrong? pic.twitter.com/JgS8o3QHzW
Was about to tweet about all the automotive aerodynamic devices in the latest episodes of #Supernatural & #WalkingDead but hey, no spoilers!
Only 6 cops keeping an empty Richmond platform safe? They might have a little more to do in sunshine! #earnyourcash pic.twitter.com/2loQ7L5Uar
'Nick Clegg now backs curbs on benefits tourism' Of course he does, fickle, spineless, vote-chasing cunt that he is.
Retweeted by Dan Willis
#WalkingDead What do I miss most about Bob Stookey? His optimism & loyalty, or that he looked like Willis from diff'rent strokes? #namesake
I love my wife and would never be unfaithful to her.. But that #AshleyMadison jingle is so catchy, I'm swaying.. Damn you advertisers!
Dora can stick her backpack. Incy Wincy Spider, that's a true hero; The rain would knock him down, he'd dust himself off & climb that spout!
The UK’s best city: #NewcastleuponTyne gu.com/p/43eht/tw via As voted by the @guardian- all I had to do was move away and they won!
After climbing too many steps every day in July (1000 steps, Melbourne). My legs broke, now they've broke again: The wonders of shinsplints!
My apologies to the people of #Melbourne, I moved here 3 yrs ago from Newcastle Upon Tyne, England and I definitely brought the weather me.
I told my wife not to make a big deal about the fan in the kitchen, but there she goes, putting it on a pedestal..
Last night a friend of mine described his current sex life as being like when #NUFC were "The Entertainers" under... fb.me/6QCCE5tCB
I really hate tweets and posts about hypocrisy.
It's sunny as hell & you forget your hat, that's what Salvos r for! Slip slop flamin slap, I've a bush whackers hat! pic.twitter.com/S6FyRlJ15t
Watched the #BandAid30 video.. Happy to donate, but I only recognised half of the singers, I should probably also donate to #HelpTheAged !
It's 8.40pm, Sunday and we've just realised that we haven't thought about dinner.. #Parenting the diet of the future..
Did a corporate for #Mensa last night, twas like performing to 100 #BigBangTheory characters.. Mainly Leonards & Howard's, great fun stuff 😃
I stopped learning the #Piano after about ten lessons, thus I never did find out whether "Mr Frog" ever found his hops???
I have no knowledge of Russian Cuisine asides from that I don't like Vodka.. With them invading tomorrow, I'd better get brushing up..
2 Grizzlies, a Koala and a Panda all told me the lottery result, but I put my Gran & Dads numbers on- I listened to the wrong forebears..
As my #dog has been known to chomp its own & other dogs poop, I'm not thinking how food's cooked bothers her at all. pic.twitter.com/zS97hhAALF
4th #nufc match in a row I've stayed up to watch,.. Not wanting too much credit, but I reckon Alan Pardew owes me a pint
Sat in #Perth departure lounge, way too early for my flight, but the 38°C heat was causing me to crave the mild breeze of air-conditioning.
Is Australian #graffiti really sinking this low? They don't even qualify for Panto anymore.. #SClub7 pic.twitter.com/4goFgdt3ab
Back in #1992 I traveled across the #USA, visiting friends and generally living like a hippy on a train.. Whilst... fb.me/1pMEN54Hn
Tonight, the Charles Hotel shall be home to comedy, Jokes will be merrily told and Perth will chuckle at the word bum..
I'm gigging tonight at The National Hotel, #Freemantle; There's me, some comedians, beer and free sex.. Note: Free Sex is not guaranteed
At an open mic in Perth, 15 comedians and I don't know anybody, it's 2001 all over again.. Mind you, back then I had a job..
Off to Perth for a week of comedy gigs, lots of silliness will ensue.. Starting with me making my first airport journey as a car driver..
Remastered #MichaelJackson & #freddiemercury duet is days from being released, yet I seem to be the only person excited, that cant be right?
As #Sunday goes, cold with a touch of drizzle, overcast & not much to do.. If #TheWaltons were on TV, I'd be right back in the late 70's!
Yesterday 30ºC and Sunny as Cher's ex husband.. Today hail-storms and rain.. #Melbourne, tomorrow I'm expecting frogs to fall from the sky!
Thirsty, Fridge, Beerless, Shop Closed. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words
It's only taken 3 weeks, but Ive just discovered a baby seat is the perfect vessel for the transportation of takeaway Indian food. #macgyver
It's nearly November, the Sun has been scorching me at +30's today.. Life in #Melbourne is a little different to #Newcastle Upon Tyne..
Kids in scary costumes may look frightening. But when you've killed as many as I have, you realise they're no more dangerous than you or I.
Retweeted by Dan Willis
To fulfill my need for men in tight Lycra reading poems; I'll be performing at the Exford Hotel this eve, in CockBags Halloween Spectacular.
Micro sleeps, that's the way to handle #parenthood - I think I caught between 2 and 3 seconds here.. pic.twitter.com/texYn6Kj56
#WalkingDead S05E03 !SPOILERS! Now, how stupidly fan freaking tastic are the universes entwining themselves in at... fb.me/6M3FemBeI
#singalong I was a PFC on a search patrol huntin' Charlie down It was in the jungle wars of '65 My weapon jammed... fb.me/72nl3SNep
Fair play to @jimmycarr.. Whilst other comedians are slaving away trying desperately to get attention, he cracks... fb.me/6Q5uQilLR
For the first time yesterday I was asked "Sandwich or Toast", I answered "Sandwich", this morning I regretted my actions. #Australian bakers
If you're described as "From celebrity #BigBrother", your celebrity has already ended. You'll realise this in about a year, Im just helping.
Now, after one entire week and one entire day of #Fatherhood, I've just got to ask- who's tiring who out???? pic.twitter.com/AOkG50p0Je
Just watched Episode 2, Season 5 of #WalkingDead, this is the point of which I should slap a spoiler warning..... fb.me/6ShBrZHpB