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Dan Willis

Just discovered I've won $130 on the #lotto it won't change my life, but it might change my lunch #Tatts2016
Of all the places to advertise your wares- florists should really avoid lampposts..
Right, I'm confused.. #Milk is #lowcarb, #Chocolate is low carb.. But #MilkChocolate is high carb.. I am now officially sulking.
It's now official, very soon to happen- "Pope Bashes Bishop." #Pope #News #DoubleEntendre @Pontifex…
Id like to be a King & have got relevant experience- Am great at sitting down, not bad at wearing crowns & can grow a beard. Any vacancies?
"I accidentally used your facebook profile to choose @obiecomedian a prostitute" Anyone else said that to their Wife & walked out the door?
#channel9 whodve thought attempted kidnapping could get journalists in trouble? At least it makes them a shoe in 4 the next #bangedupabroad
I love wildlife, but as a parent- If my child was being dragged by a #Gorilla, I wouldn't be asking staff to throw fruit or debate options.
I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure this isn't their natural environment..
Either the #Hotmail junk filter is broken, or I got very drunk and request a ton of information on Penis enlargement and debt consolidation.
Enjoying last few weeks I can get #NUFC gossip from Home pages of sports sites; Then it'll be Click #Championship then #Newcastle oh joy!!
I am genuinely considering using a Groupon for Dental treatment.. Australia is bloody expensive! Anyone else Groupon'd their health away?
My Wife has had a bottle of wine & is duetting randoms on #Smule - she's onto showtunes now, defying gravity.. How far are we from Memories?
I am very tired, but as I now have season 4 of #Vikings to watch, I reckon I might be able to keep my eyes open for a few minutes longer..
A lovely day of rain and drizzle in #Melbourne and I mean that quite sincerely; Today felt like #NewcastleUponTyne in the height of summer.
I'm currently pondering as to whether that clown doll ever beat the girl at noughts & crosses on the #BBC Test Card.
Just when you think all your admin is done, more arrives and smacks you in the teeth, then you remember more you forgot about, ad-infinitum.
#GameofThrones I accept the Dragons & Magic; But a pointless suicide when #zombies are chasing? THROW the grenade! #IamLegend was wrong!!
Filghts booked for UK.. Traveling long haul with a 20 month bag of energy, I'm hoping the #Etihad air nanny's are ready for Dolly Rose!!
Look- #parenting is easy!! No hands!!
#DanniiMinogue is doing 30min live set of her "Greatest Hits" I'm guessing there'll be a few 12" extended versions in there. #loveandkisses
Having just realised yesterday that season 5 of #FallingSkies had happened, I'm now 3 episodes from completing it.. #BingeWatch
Today I've been 24hrs without a #DietCoke - I must be one of the most pathetic junkies on the planet- am from suffering aspartame withdrawal
Am hosting #poo16 @GoodBeerWeek in #melbourne- which of these brews & food shall I have? The answer is all of them!!
Day 1 of Admin has seen me only slightly crosseyed.. But 90% of 60% of tasks completed, and yes that stay does mean something to me!
The worlds largest plane, it's arrival in #Perth today meant we had the worlds longest drive to the airport!
I'd like to send thanks to the Antonov An-225, the worlds largest plane.. Your arrival in Perth today has made a 20min journey a 2hr slog!
This Tuesday is officially Admin day.. Monday will be Family day, then I shall be ploughing thru all the piles of back logged communications
Final solo show of festival season done! Finished with a sold out show, I ain't complaining about those biscuits!!
2 more gigs & my festival marathon is over. 1st normal gig in Melbourne will be hosting #PintOfOrigin @GoodBeerWeek I love this job
Been talking #Cricket 2 a load of #England supporters. Ended up coated in bread crumbs, ketchup, cheese & ham. Parmy Army! @AdelaideBarmies
.@NZComedyFest's only cooking/comedy show: @georgeegg has just 3 nights left at Herald Theatre. Book @Ticketmaster
Retweeted by Dan Willis
It started Jan 12th in Perth.. 5 months later, via Adelaide, Melbourne, New Zealand & Sydney Festivals.. I'm back in Perth, 1 week to go!!!
Ive just been charged $26 for a thimble of beer and two teaspoons of tapas.. Yep, I'm at the airport! #movida
Bondi ain't too bad.. But I do get a tinge every so often that makes me miss Newcastle - a greggs steak bake would go down a treat right now
2nd day of Sydney Comfest, no solo today, but busy- opening at Happy Endings & shoot across town to finish @ Comedy Store. #CanSleepin12days
The UAE imported $456m worth of sand last year, somewhere out there is a superhero of a salesman..
Tonight I will be mainly performing comedy at Bondi Pavilion, is tell you who else is on, but we've been sworn to secrecy.. #sick
Arrived in #Sydney decided to treat myself to a Taxi, thus timing my arrival for Dolly's bedtime.. I'm gambling on a cuddle, possibly 2..
2 weeks at New Zealand Comedy festival completed.. Sydney comfest here I come! Am being joined by my ladies for this one, so double bonus!
Am packed, ready for flight- just got a couple hours to kill.. Was meant to meet @IamRichWilson for lunch, but the beast he sleeps!!
Have completed #NZICF now a quick shuffle across the Pacific and #SICF will have the dubious pleasure of my company.
It's been a while now, a good few years.. Am thinking Pete Townsend is putting loads of work into that book of his..
I'll tell you what's happening Auckland- my last night of Solo shows! Then there's a pyjama party, then #NUFC may well get relegated!
4th show at #NZICF last night and first sellout! Great fun had, usual stupidity afterwards.. One more show to go, with way more stupidity!
Standard festival night, opened at the #AllStars with @JamesNokise @JamesAcaster then taxied across town to do my solo show, beer then sleep
The Comedy All-Star show is back by popular demand! Catch @JamesAcaster, @danwillis007 & @JamesNokise TONIGHT!
Retweeted by Dan Willis
That's it, I'm staying in #NewZealand .. Erin and Dolly I'll be sending for you soon!…
I wouldn't read too much into the far right making political gains in #Austria it's not like they, ah wait a minute #AustrianPresident
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