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Dan Willis
Tonight at the exford hotel- Best Of British fundraiser spectacular! 5 top British Headliners, all 4 a great cause! Top comedy, great Karma!
Ladies love foreplay & an after sex cuddle.. They basically run on a MYKI system; You've gotta touch on, you gotta touch off.. #Melbourne
Does anyone in Melbourne have a charger for a Nikon camera battery? Would only need it for an hour or two
It's halfway point at #MICF in 2 weeks time I'll've performed over 240 shows since #fringeworld back in January.. #pooped
Collected a second hand BBQ from a friend this afternoon.. That's one dirty job! I'm seeing why people just buy a new one every year now...
I had unprotected sex with a prostitute last night, I didn't want to be unfaithful to my Wife, I'm just desperate to go Viral..
Back after #adlfringe great times had, and it's looking like #MICF is gonna be a blast! I just need a sleep or two before it all kicks off..
If you took Hitler, put him in a massive pencil sharpener and spun him round, would he have a point?
My 1st bus journey with Dolly, I had to move an old lady to park the pram, I'm not sure if that was on my bucket list
My father in law is staying at our place to mind the dog; I left him some quality reading material in the happy room.
Packed the car for the #Adelaide #Fringe the plan is: The moment the baby wakes up, we feed her and leave; So that's anytime from 3am to 8am
Now back in #Melbourne after a great #fringeworld in #Perth am one drive from home, then Ive got a week till the madness starts in #adelaide
In #Melbourne & stuck with nothing to do? Get down the @TheComicsLounge Errol street, 7pm For a top quality All star charity comedy gala!!
It looks like tap-in from where I'm sitting.. Either that or a mix of Cantona control and Shearer finishing.. Boom..…
Am in #Perth for #FringeWorld & next Saturday #NUFC play #HullCity at a reasonable hour of 9pm. Where's good to watch the #EPL in #WA ??
Fair play to #DavidGinola running for the #FIFA presidency, I always knew he'd dive at any opportunity..
In the run up to Perth Fringe, I'm making some big changes to my life, well, for one I've shaved.. Though I'm not...
Who'd've thunk it- today's @theheraldsun has more serious stories & less typos than today's @theage add #Garfield & that's a triple win!
Today I took my Mum to Captain Cooks cottage in #Melbourne, I learned it's a house #CaptainCook never lived in, in a city he never visited.
Mother and child, or bloke with huge cock? The decision is all yours.. #art
Huge thanks to @BrunoMars & @MarkRonson for their Yeti warnings! "Saturday night & we in the spot. Don’t believe in Sasquatch!" #UptownFunk
I've got a genuine #MichaelJackson signed "This is it" DVD, am willing to swap it for a #2BrokeGirls script that contains actual hilarity..
Sat in Ferntree Gully watching #NUFC v #SAFC , am trying to get an atmos going, but anything more than a whimper will wake the wife & baby
Take 2 mins & a couple bucks to refresh your Karma and help good people out? A top friend of mine could use a click…
One of these ladies is only 9 weeks old, thus has an excuse to have her tongue out..
I've a dog, a load of movies, a pizza, couple of beers and a huge sofa.. Now that's a Saturday night..
I've been in #melbourne for 3yrs; and I've just discovered an actual use for #mx
Just done an airport run.. Music was so bad on the radio, I actually looked forward to Frank Walker and his amazing tile adverts..
Well, it's Monday.. Having lost my wallet over the weekend, today I give thanks to my spare change money box, it's kept me fed for 36hrs..
Possibly the least exciting Ferris wheel in the world.. The kids actually look bored enough to jump..
#TheWalkingDead - no spoilers here, just a massive #OMG #WTF I was not expecting that! Episode 8, fantastic; Great mix of plot and #Zombies
35°c; I've just spent 2hrs cleaning the pool & at no point did @EvaLongoria swing by to make her husband jealous! #ABC lies to its viewers!
After a successful mission, I salute the inventor of the drinks carrier attachment on the #silvercross wayfarer!
One the home straight.. I've neither lost the baby, nor given her any form of alcohol.. Things are looking good!!
#Woolworths; doddle, reckon it'll be harder when she's learned a words like Ice, Cream, Lollies & emotional blackmail
30mins into mission, 1st use of dummy- I dont have many weapons left; my wife has the best 2 & she took them shopping
A walk seems logical, am beginning to think purple isn't the most manly colour for prams. But we're prams ever manly?
Mummy's gone shopping, leaving an overweight comedian in charge of this little tyke.. What could possibly go wrong?
Was about to tweet about all the automotive aerodynamic devices in the latest episodes of #Supernatural & #WalkingDead but hey, no spoilers!
Only 6 cops keeping an empty Richmond platform safe? They might have a little more to do in sunshine! #earnyourcash
'Nick Clegg now backs curbs on benefits tourism' Of course he does, fickle, spineless, vote-chasing cunt that he is.
Retweeted by Dan Willis
#WalkingDead What do I miss most about Bob Stookey? His optimism & loyalty, or that he looked like Willis from diff'rent strokes? #namesake
I love my wife and would never be unfaithful to her.. But that #AshleyMadison jingle is so catchy, I'm swaying.. Damn you advertisers!
Dora can stick her backpack. Incy Wincy Spider, that's a true hero; The rain would knock him down, he'd dust himself off & climb that spout!
The UK’s best city: #NewcastleuponTyne via As voted by the @guardian- all I had to do was move away and they won!
After climbing too many steps every day in July (1000 steps, Melbourne). My legs broke, now they've broke again: The wonders of shinsplints!
My apologies to the people of #Melbourne, I moved here 3 yrs ago from Newcastle Upon Tyne, England and I definitely brought the weather me.
I told my wife not to make a big deal about the fan in the kitchen, but there she goes, putting it on a pedestal..