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daniel tosh

comedian comedy 8,333,647 followers
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just finished a jog here in roanoke. virginia really is for lovers. pic.twitter.com/ZWqgJhVHSc
do you think tiger gets a little embarrassed putting on the red shirt when he's +13?
Happy Awkward 'I Love You' Day!
hey USGA, your 'tee it forward' campaign is the equivalent to the NBA telling everyone to lower the rim so they don't realize they suck.
had a swell time at bonnaroo, but i need you to check my moles. #shirtlesshipster #malignant pic.twitter.com/p4AxCzRGF5
i am frank underwood by day and liberace by night. #hiatus #toomuchtv #stillrefusetowatchgameofthrones
all 2nd shows have been added and extra tickets released nightly. on.cc.com/UWfSC3 free hugs in Columbia, Athens, & Roanoke only!
not sure if the police in denver were profiling or just confused by our futuristic bicycles. pic.twitter.com/RpKhpnBryN
61 shows in 31 cities. you were wonderful salt lake city (for the next 30 days, put whatever city i was just in here)!!!
day one of the june gloom tour and i just found out @NotoriousROD is BLACK! this should be interesting. pic.twitter.com/FRklhcAfSy
countdown is almost over. too early to call but right now it's 2 million to zero. on.cc.com/12ttOWJ #hugestar #nevergoingaway #suckit
"warriors have the best fans in the nba." unless they're playing the lakers. then half their fans are the shittiest fans in the nba.
small surf is going to be a lot more fun thanks to @jhallsurf. 21 feet of art but i'm still not wearing a leash. pic.twitter.com/N9INNIxZmH
presale for seattle and phoenix starts today – password “tosh” bit.ly/17ssrfi
thanks everybody for watching. we'll be back on the air in a few months. my life is in your pathetic hands. j.mp/12ttOWI
fuck you, you piece of shit. @gravano95 RT @danieltosh are ur dogs dead yet?
let's play nice everyone. please don't say anything you will regret.
this is the day. this is the day. that the lord has made. that the lord has made. #newtosh #newtosh in 30 minutes. in 30 minutes.
to clarify, this is not the last tosh.0 of the season. we're just taking a short summer vacation. #newtosh in 2.5 hours.
if you think i don't know what i'm talking about, wait til you hear what @BillSimmons & @JalenRose have to say on tonight's last #newtosh
d-rose just announced that he's loving this time off and is officially questionable for next season. #newtosh
the news keeps getting even worse for bulls fans. carlos boozer is healthy for game 5. #newtosh
listening to bulls fans complain about not getting calls makes me think they forgot about all of the 90's. #newtosh
2 local shows added in preparation for my new tour. may 23 hollywood & may 28 irvine improv bit.ly/13eXNz2 bit.ly/12uMeFc
for the 9 of you who can read, my close personal author friend @JimGaffigan put out a magnificent piece of literature j.mp/15thGJR
hey @wizkhalifa, when your checks be lookin' like phone numbers, are you including the country code and area code? is there a decimal point?
see ya next week for the last episode of the first half of season 5
2 bits 4 bits 6 bits a dollar, all for the __________ stand up and holler. #newtoshnow
if my responses seem sluggish this evening it's because i am filled to the brim with delicious korean taco meat. 30 min until #newtosh
don't ask for lighter burdens, ask for broader shoulders. 30 minutes until #newtosh
sorry for any weird tweets between 6/4/09 and 5/7/13. i got hacked. 30 minutes until #newtosh
for those who give a shit, the canadian on tonight's sode is by a mile the craziest person to ever be on tv. #newtosh
apologies to my 14 yr old viewers, but this is the 2nd week in a row that comedy central has rated our show TV-MA. #newtosh #cleanitup
it is day 4 of 60 for cherry season! act accordingly. #alsoapricots
the hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
sleep tight north america. no further questions.
you can't spell #newtosh without the alphabet. let's tweet all over each other.
reminder: #newtosh in an hour and rent is due tomorrow.
if you have a couple minutes and you want to meet the star of tonight's #newtosh j.mp/ZUCwwO
imagine how much less chris brown would be hated if he could win championships for the lakers.
solid effort, lakers. #showtime
i would rather rip my fingernail off than give up on a pistachio. #100percent4life
hey @SIRIUSXM can we please change your display info from 'name' and 'title' to 'artist' and 'song'? i feel it would be way less confusing.
Greeley, CO added to The June Gloom Tour password 'gloom' bit.ly/Znnl0v all other dates on.cc.com/UWfSC3
yip skiddley doo! see you next week.
yip skiddley doo! let's tweet for 30 minutes.
to all my delta gamma sisters…stop being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING and watch my show. #newtosh in 66 mins.
$4.2 million to get shot by the LAPD? sign me up! #newtosh
shaq is ruining the fun dynamic on inside the nba. just be the butt of the joke. you don't have to try to 1-up charles every time. #newtosh
posting a pic with #nomakeup and #nofilters is SO BRAVE, ladies. now go back to looking like fuckable clowns.