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Dane Cook
12:00 on a Sunday night is not quality hour.
So @bengleib wore this Where the Wild Things Are looking coat onstage tonight and it was not meant to be funny. Anyone have anything to say to Ben?
At least pride has zero calories.
Love means never having to say you're sorry you murdered someone.
I just want to say THANK YOU to the homeless guy that spit at me today and called me a "shitless wonder." Taking a negative and flipping it.
Seven Brides for One Brother #PornMusicals
Beauty and the Vagina Destroyer #PornMusicals
It's a thing. Let's go. #PornMusicals West Side Gloryhole
Pre show down time. #homealone #longday #longernight
Two words: Porn musicals.
You know who else is "on the run?" #NextNextNextLevel #RunyonIsHot #KeepYourHeadInTheGame
#home #peace #sober #grateful #satisfied #fulfilled #excited #TheKnick #trust #calm #loved #gaveitmyallgotsome #momandpopareproud #forward #clearmind #secure #realfriends #nextchapter
DC & MM after party. @mariamenounos
How do I emoji my new special #Troublemaker on Oct17th on Showtime?
@x420xx: @DaneCook on HBO in 20 minutes. Let's go!" - enjoy it and get ready for my new special #Troublemaker
Sometimes when a girl I'm with is having a really intense orgasm I hold her close and say, "flux capacitor... fluxing!"
The show at the Laugh Factory tonight will be one of the best in history. Killer lineup. Hollywood show starts at 10.
Whole new look including Mentions with q&a stuff like last night. Go LIKE it and get #Troublemaker ready.
#tbt Insomniac Tour
Dinner and my show. After that The Equalizer at midnight with some friends. Can't wait to watch Denzel some kick ass.
#tbt to the time I wore the magic red jacket and had a picture taken with everything happening like so. #200and5
#DaneCook #Troublemaker #Oct17th #Showtime
Tomorrow is my day to shine. Tonight I'm gonna treat myself like shit.
#wisdom #logic #lucidity
I love a slut with a game plan.
I like threatening someone being an asshole with nonsense. "You pull that crap again I'm gonna Lenny Kravitz your birth certificate."
Every word of this song resonates with me. It's uplifting because it's an anthem for those of us that have overcome harsh obstacles. #Forward #Onward #Upward
My brain today.
The world doesn't want me to learn the flute. If I do I will seduce nations.
My buddy @johncampanelli1 had his birthday dinner tonight. This pic perfectly captured how excited he was. Notice how his Idle Hands arm is trying to sneak up and choke him. Fun night until John disappeared into a puff of smoke.
I'm grateful for the coming months. I've got amazing people supporting me on my journey. #Troublemaker debuts Oct 17th and I could not be more enthusiastic to share it with you all. #Spire #Apogee ##Zenith
For my buddy @johncampanelli1's bday I decided to destroy him in a game of ping pong. Look at his dumb bday face as he stares in the eyes of a champion.
.@changeiscomic: "@DaneCook looks like @RyanGosling if he were to cut the skin off @RyReynoIds face and wear it around like a mask." -Thx?
I don't share a lot of quotes but this is one I feel pertains to everyone.
Life's like dirty underwear. Sometimes you have to wake up the next day flip'em inside out and wear them again.
Feeling great after my fight club.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about jacking a police car and driving it down a sand dune.
I'm having way too overprotective sex.
For my show at the Laugh Factory Hollywood at 10 it's dress crazy sexy night. I'm wearing short shorts and a half tank mesh top.
Why is there not an NFL team somewhere called the Unicorns?
Roger Goodell's eyes sparkle like the eyes of a newborn baby. #nflpressconference
I just can't stop thinking about iOS7. I'm starting to wonder if I gave up on a good thing.