If you want success in the entertainment industry you should immediately start investing in luck.
I've only accomplished half of what I set out to do in this life so far.
I'm starting the other half on Monday.
I just bid on (and won) "the box" from the last scene in Se7en at a private auction.
So excited to finally find out what's in the box.
I just picked up the perfect stocking stuffer gift for all my friends working in the entertainment industry! pic.twitter.com/UPfBtqD4ki
Holiday music can make you want to heal the world or destroy it.
1 year ago my best buddy Beast left the building. I miss this guy everyday. #ThrowBackThursday #TBT #TheBeast #LittleMan #Face #WhatDidYouDooooo
With Jamie Masada at the Laugh Factory 10 years ago and again this weekend for the anniversary release of Harmful If Swallowed. #throwbackthursday #tbt #TheBestJobEver
I'm rewriting my life story if anyone wants in.
I just performed a citizens arrest but let them off with a stern warning.
Tough seeing loved ones feeling depression over the holidays. Trust me I know how much a nice note or card can help your heart. #ReachOut
If your guy insists that you never post pictures of you both together … well … Aww never mind you won’t understand.
I get paid to make people laugh.
Meryl Streep gets paid to make people cry.
I think Tuesday’s the worst day of the week. More than Monday because it’s the day I was forced to have sex w/ a man named Mr. Tuesday Sex.
If there’s a person that needs to know they’ve gotta stop acting like a complete idiot just RT this with their @.
I’ll take the hit for you.
Guns N’ Roses Appetite for Destruction is the perfect album to listen to when you’re trying to justify your actions.
I just gave my penis an engagement ring.
Someone hacked into my electric car and made me drive into a fruit selling man.
I lost my faith in humanity just minutes after I acquired a deeper appreciation for the human condition.
A single guy has a bachelor pad.
A single girl has a lonely vagina.
Tix for the 2nd Annual Patrice O’Neal Benefit Feb 18th on sale today. Join us here —> bit.ly/patricebenefit
-- just watched Bonnie and Clyde. Really great job man.
You and Holliday Grainger make a killer couple. #WatchIt
Browns played incredible football today. Tough loss but proud of my #Patriots
That was amazing!! Congrats #Patriots
that was HUGE.
game ending was unreal. Touchdown!!!
Damn, sorry everyone, that last tweet was suppose to be a Google search!
Last night was amazing...So much fun redfoo and @DaneCook
was hilarious. #comedyshow #laughtactory instagram.com/p/hrEwmsDLd0/
It’s so cold tonight I could gut a tauntaun and sleep inside of it.
Dane Cook You Don't Even Know! youtu.be/q7BijGkR1Kk
Whenever I’m really afraid I crank call someone and whisper “you’re gonna die” so I don’t feel so alone.
I’‘mt yping ths witttt ttth my penussss🌽🐸€¥•
When you step out of an elevator you always take a step in the wrong direction.
Holiday time always brings out the fucked up in people.
I’m performing at the Laugh Factory tonight / tomorrow 10 o’clock show.
Bring your vinyl Harmful If Swallowed album I’ll sign it after!
The Improv was fun. Happy 50 years club.
Broken down tour bus life.
All of my holiday merch is here! Cyber Monday is everyday. LINK —>
I enjoy the kind of porn that has an unexpected twist at the end.
Don’t listen to your heart. Sometimes it’s just messing with you to see what you do.
RT if you still have leftovers pans of aluminum covered Thanksgiving food in the fridge you won't throw away just to avoid washing them.
It's so easy to stay mad at someone.
Go ahead try it!
My record's 5 years and 7 months.
Life can change so fast. Don’t be afraid to go after what you want without hesitation.
Disney's 'Planes' takes flight as #1 best-selling DVD / Blu-ray title latimes.com/entertainment/…