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Dane Cook
I don't share a lot of quotes but this is one I feel pertains to everyone.
Life's like dirty underwear. Sometimes you have to wake up the next day flip'em inside out and wear them again.
Feeling great after my fight club.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about jacking a police car and driving it down a sand dune.
I'm having way too overprotective sex.
For my show at the Laugh Factory Hollywood at 10 it's dress crazy sexy night. I'm wearing short shorts and a half tank mesh top.
Why is there not an NFL team somewhere called the Unicorns?
Roger Goodell's eyes sparkle like the eyes of a newborn baby. #nflpressconference
I just can't stop thinking about iOS7. I'm starting to wonder if I gave up on a good thing.
July 26th, 2005. Celebrating where I belong when Retaliation came out and I made history. Be there again Oct 17th when my new special #Troublemaker hits Showtime. #tbt
My first day as an aspiring young rapper. #tbt
The worst part about a breakup is explaining to people that never believed in the relationship to begin with why they were so right.
I like a girl that looks good in life #NoFilter
ALL NEW material from @DaneCook this November: To hold you over, here is a #TBT classic!
Retweeted by Dane Cook
I'm writing a rare pointed letter and need a few words describing a person that's the worst kind of human. Any suggestions?
Being a single guy in Los Angeles is a constant lottery win. Being a single girl it's like dollar scratch tickets.
Porn stars give the best advice at noon and the worst at midnight.
Person A: "Hey, I heard you lost your grandma when did it happen?" Person B: "During the iOS8 download." Person A: "Mine too!"
I just updated my phone with ISIS by mistake.
#iOS8 #iOS8FeelsWrong #iOS8JustAteMyBankAccount #iOS8WillHaveItsRevenge #iOS8DoesntWAntYouToWatchPornUnlessItWatchesYouWatchIt
I'm pretty sure iOS 8 is downloading all the secrets of the universe in this update. #iOS8 #iOS8isSkynet
If you ever want to make a girl go demon level pissed off just take a pic of her from a low angle in direct sunlight.
.@JimmyDiResta said: "@DaneCook @JohnDiResta funny times. 2003.” I have not seen that cover in forever. Too funny.
Here is me way over reacting to having my name appear in a game at 2 am. @RickGlassman @DavidSullivan and @JohnCampanelli1 make up Team Vision.
Together we bowled a perfect 100. @johncampanelli1 @davidsullivan9 & @RickGlassman special appearance by i@DaneCook
Pressure creates diamonds but it also crushes skulls.
It's back to school time bitches. New homework for myself. #HotForTeacher
File this under Things You Never Thought You Would Ever Read Back In 1989.
It's so hot today I just urinated and it was already recycled and prepped for consumption.
File this under Things You Never Thought You Would Ever Read Back In 1989.
If you add up all the times the media loops the terrible video over and over, Ray Rice has now hit his wife 1,357,221 times.
Urban Outfitters can really go fuck itself.
For the entire life of a model they spend on average 8 years "waiting around." #ModelLife
Being a model means having to sit with both hands propping you up on the toilet seat or else you'll fall into the water. #ModelLife
You wear so much bindi jewelry it's making you look like a Na'vi from Avatar. #FailingAtLife
You tell other people how to live their lives but you pray for rain because you can't even afford a car wash. #FailingAtLife
You have sex and it feels better for her when you are done so she can finish by herself. #FailingAtLife
You think careers are "gay." #FailingAtLife
Your profile picture is a tiger. #FailingAtLife
You always only have to click your car remote once to open just your drivers side door. #FailingAtLife
You're proud to tell people, "I only eat out." #FailingAtLife
If you know someone #FailingAtLife please hashtag that crap here so I can fix that muthafucka up.
If you wearing a shirt with only words on it, I don't care product, quote or catchphrase, you're in the process of #FailingAtLife.
@AyeOhPeez: @DaneCook @ArianaGrande bruh she tweeted you that more than 5 years ago” Yea that's the point in replying.
.@ArianaGrande You're 2 sweet sugar booger. I think you gonna be a big star in a couple of years. Work on your social game though.
I fucking hate complainers.
I'm about to nap the shit outta this bed.
.@SullyActsUp you're killing it on there dude. I wanna come on the show. I'd be a dead body or someone run over by a horse.
.@WCIA3Dave = powerful and an important message. Thank you for sharing it. @SU2C
You always know when it's 6:15 in Hollywood because all the servers are walking to work in their all black outfits.