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Dane Cook
comedian comedy live music 3,043,515 followers
Every time this commercial comes on all I think is Captain Big Win here's gonna get rolled in the parking lot later by Evil Lips Johnson.
I don't have a spirit animal but I do have a shitty neighbor.
If a girl has a little freckle on her nose she is basically down for whatever.
This is how we do it. A slight 180 inch edge over my competition. #EscapeToTheDropShip
#TheBestPartAbout being a comedian is the support you get from your family.
#TheBestPartAbout being a comedian is all the free buffalo wings.
I just relaxed my potential. What a let down.
Hey .@Abercrombie can you maybe pump some more of that cologne into the air? I reek so bad my girl think I'm sleeping with you.
Why the disabled person gotta have a smaller head?
I don't win because I'm better. I succeed because you're worse than you give yourself credit for. And I know how to adapt.
I would love to see DeNiro lying to get out of a ticket.
I'm headlining the Laugh Factory Hollywood at 10 tonight and tomorrow. Get down there.
"Who the fahk give care buddy. Be like a ball. You go higher des people essplode demselves." - Masada I just literally laughed my face off.
Whenever you spot a moving van in your neighborhood there's always a wooden chair in the back that you never see when you visit the house.
About 14 years ago I went to see @DaneCook at the #houston #laffstop following the release of his… instagram.com/p/m5hdmEPKw-/
Retweeted by Dane Cook
I wish there was a stay lost and not found.
I was never a cutter but I was a stirrer.
If all of your dreams came true? ALL OF THEM? That'd be a fuckin' hassle. Managing one dream is hard enough. But ALL of them?
Sometimes when I have sex I pull my own hair.
I made a gift horse look into my mouth.
Some people grow old gracelessly.
If you do a tiny bit of what you love every day it grows. My career started off with one 5 minute set at a dark hole in the wall.
4-Year-Old Boy Honored With Touching Star Wars Funeral cinemablend.com/new/4-Year-Boy… via @cinemablend May the force be with you Jack. Always.