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Dane Cook
comedian comedy live music 3,027,773 followers
My comedy is for you.
I just got super depressed thinking about how I will never be 27 again.
Even the most beautiful girls in the world have an ugly yawn face.
I'm taking a Google Maps road trip through my home town. I just clicked by where I went to high school.
I just Googled "Carvel in Woburn, Massachusetts" only to find it's gone and replaced with a Batteries Plus Bulbs. The devil does exist.
Good morning world. Incredible things happening today.
I just did a 22 minute plank challenge.
Scorpions gave Fiber One permission to use “Rock You Like A Hurricane” in their ad. I’m used to bands doing this but this one hurt.
I just evacuated a vagina.
@DaneCook just un-followed you finally. Least funny obnoxious over-rated "comedian" I have ever read. Go kill yourself
Retweeted by Dane Cook
There is nothing cuter than a girl getting her period while she’s in a tickle fight.
You know you’re drunk when you shit pants you’re not even wearing.
"I'm writing this quote and quoting myself right now." - Dane Cook
I just did a cannonball into my shower.
Anyone know a good courtroom sketch artist? I'm looking to commission a drab watercolor side profile photo of myself.
I don't know many things definitively but I do know when the trades describes a network president they call'em a "honcho."
Next time you go to Vegas ask for a room, "overlooking its imminent destructions." They'll give you a great rate.
I'm trying to get to you all...
I'm taking questions for 20 minutes starting now here or on snapchat (username: MyNameGoesHere. Use # AskDane
I had a life changing moment tonight and wouldn't you know I had a life changing back moment just minutes later.
.@Beyonce nods "yes" with a baseball hat on better than anyone.
Advanced screenings are the best. Guess what movie I'm seeing?
Watching Unsealed on Netflix. All true.
RT @morrisglobe: Dane Cook @DaneCook on travel, Teen Wolf, and this spinning blue ball of fear…
Retweeted by Dane Cook