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Dane Cook

comedian comedy live music 3,034,955 followers
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If you see a girl out that used to be a "dime" but let herself go or partied away her sparkle, she's called a "nickel."
Dear girls everywhere. That's a cute top.
You know you party way too hard when you wake up in heaven.
I get LinkedIn spam. I find the UNSUBSCRIBE button. I click it. It takes you to where you can download the LinkedIn app. #LetMeOut
I'd love to see a Swingers sequel. Grown up Mike and Trent come back through LA on a business trip and decide to reunite with the old gang.
I'm watching Swingers. It's just as good as the 1st time. #SoMoney
RT this if you believe in something.
I just fingered a ghost from the future.
I just cashed a check that my body wrote.
Happy Fathers Day to my pop George Cook. I miss him a lot. He was a bad ass.
.@GoogleFacts said: "Albert Einstein actually had 7 affairs.” - He described them as irrelevantivity."
I never sat down for that entire overtime. What a win! #Bruins #BostonStrong #NHL
FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!
.@BillZucker said: "Hey Dane...How are you BROTHAA??...hope to see you soon!...YOU ROCK!!!! pic.twitter.com/yTAs2f6AjR” -GREAT! Come back2a show
This game. Wow. Come on fellas!
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
My 24 hour Vine director recorded things I say in my sleep. #travel #cute4ever #hero vine.co/v/hBmnm6EbpZa
It's not over until I say it's not over.
It's happening. I'm hosting a gala at Just For Laughs in Montréal JULY 24th. TIX / 411 HERE: bit.ly/15Pxqnm #JFLMtl
.@peteholmes your little Susanna Hoffs side eye glance makes me want to beat you up.
Go ahead and shake your money mismanager.
Google Maps failed.
It's easy to hate or want to debate / point fingers and find weakness in others. Right now I could use some goodwill. I need your hope.
My exclusive scene from White House Down. vine.co/v/blFw7ZQb7Ew
Here I am with my dad and sister back when I lived in the old west. #ThrowbackThursday #RepresentingTheBruins #Dust
This guy gives the WORST directions EVER! via @JohnCampanelli1 vine.co/v/bld0TYgge7D
Fun new way to find out your "porn name." First, take the name of your first pet then get into porn and see what people call you on set.
Sorry guys... that last post was suppose to be a Google search.
drunken horseback riding on a drunk horse
Just made a movie of my twitter: vizify.com/dane-cook/twit… What do you think? #FollowMe #Vizify
I need some dirty sex right now. Like hate sex where after it's over you have to go outside and spray yourself off with a garden hose.
It's not easy being close to the person you love to be so far away from.
I drew this for you.
.@__amandabrooke: "@DaneCook I've been a fan since I was 12. Yes my sense of humor is awesome thanks to you. #LoveYou” - Thx A!
.@DuhhJango: "@DaneCook Are you watching @NHLBruins right now? I know you're a huge @RedSox. #BostonStrong #CupCrazy” - never miss a game.
My buddies at Iddiction created #ClipChat. I'm on it now! Username: MyNameGoesHere • clipch.at
@Nicolee_Baee: Dane cook marry me you make my night! @DaneCook” - can we at least talk on the phone once?
Working the pipes. Track 1. Power ballad.
I'm at Lilith Fair right now!
Man of Steel rocks but I'm imagining this darker Superman played by the brilliant Christopher Reeve.
Snapchat: MyNameGoesHere
@DaRealZAK: @DaneCook keep making us laugh and you will ALWAYS have our support! Big fan man keep on doing the great work!” - you too Zak
I truly love my fans. Met a few from my 1st shows in Boston early 90s last night. From laundry mats to stadiums. I love you guys! #onward
I'm babysitting tonight. Anyone know how a baby likes their steak prepared?