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#someecards
Women have gut instincts that they endlessly question. Men have early warning systems that we ignore completely.
I'm performing at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood tonight. Get tix now. 10 show.
#tits In my wedding vows I will ask for a divorce.
#WhenIGetMarried I just dunked my balls in dipping dots.
I'm available for private discussions.
It's just my opinion but I think people with the initials BT, TD, ML and DG are some of the best people this planet has to offer.
It's fun to get a group of friends together and watch your old porn movies.
Simple rule in life. If you are still judging a person by something you overheard about them years ago... you're an idiot.
She's 14. DE-STROYING Van Halen's Eruption on guitar:
youtu.be/rV6SmY04WdE Found a deaththreat in my fortune cookie.
I can't be held back. 3rd grades over bitches.
If you name your kid Fate you have to be 100% fine whatever happens with them.
I just accidentally told someone I loved them.
I have fleeting shallow feelings for you once in a great while.
#ThingsNotToSayWhenDating 
Almost at 200,000 on VINE. If it hit it tonight I will gift 10 of you something special. Random lottery style.
Almost at 200,000 on VINE. If it hit it tonight I will gift 10 of you something special. Random lottery style.
To help
#Oklahomacitytornado victims Donate to The American Red Cross
redcross.org
Or text REDCROSS to 90999
1-800-REDCROSS
I just washed my hands of a person but accidentally grabbed the door handle on the way out of their life.
I have a real problem with people that judge others without personally knowing them. People that do that are pathetic. Whoever you are.
f'insomnia
More of my LIVE
#Billboard after party footage!
vine.co/v/b9hUW2i3qjQ 
#Prince at the Billboard awards... he crushed it.
#Icon #Legend pic.twitter.com/9BVV1Rzpsy I just opened my fridge and
#Miguel jumped out, straight kicked me in the fuckin' face then kept singing while he ate my leftovers!
Behind the scenes of my new Disney flick Planes. I voice Dusty a crop duster with high hopes. If you have not had a chance to see the new preview please check it out here:
bit.ly/16Cs5mF 
Fred Armisen and Bill Hader are two of the most talented performers I've had the great fucking pleasure to work with. I did SNL twice with them and both times they cracked me up with their ideas and impressed me with their focus. It's not goodbye or any of that for these guys. They are staples of co
In war, there are no winners.
Unless someone made a bet.
What was the over-under on WW2?
Yahoo bought Tumblr for 1 billion dollars. Hey, does any of that cash get kicked down to us since 99% of its the content is ours?
#justaskin 
Toothpicks & Patriotism.
.
@jouri_xo said: "
@DaneCook has the FUNNIEST VINES LMAO.” - jour please delete this. I do not want people following me on VINE. Gracias!
#truegentleman
I'm a considerate lover.
I also lay a towel over the wet spot for my lady.
Hollywood nights on those Hollywood streets.
I'm thinkin' it about time for you to start getting your shit together. I'm sick of always having to kick your ass for mediocre results. Yea, uh-huh, don't look around cause I'm TALKIN' TO YOU!
Any cop should be allowed to pull over any van on the road simply based on the fact it's a van.
Someone may need to hear this today. #RT and #GoForward
The laws in trouble with me.
"Sitting on the Edge of Sunset"
Girls go to Vegas to wear all their favorite shit for two days.
I'm throwing a party tonight at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood 10 o'clock show.
I asked the guy working at the car wash for new baby smell so he pooped in a diaper and tossed it under my seat.
During a moment of silence I always want to scream, "WHEN I SAY SHHH YOU SAY SHHH ... SHHH!"
"It's okay to feel hopeless sometimes.
Especially if you're on death row or working at a mall kiosk."
#QuotesThatDontHelpMatters