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Conan O'Brien
A woman is suing McDonalds because she bit into a Big Mac and found a Starbucks.
I hope I never discover a genie when I’m really hungry, tired, or unhappy with my cell phone reception.
I just got waylaid in Malay by Pele.
So liberating - just threw car keys into ocean. Glad they weren’t my car keys.
Sweating like crazy. May have to switch to men’s deodorant.
Just taught my kids about the current U.S. Congress by taking their ball, going home, and crying.
Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat? That’s great, I was looking for a place to buy way-too-expensive rabbit meat.
Tonight on #CONAN it's an hour of our most unprofessional and embarrassing rehearsal moments. If you like human error, this show's for you!
No one will see "The Expendables III" for me.
I think the ice bucket challenge caused some permanent shrinkage.
When I retire I’m going to pursue my first passion: inventing pancakes that can be sold by the loaf.
“Am I Groot?” (Groot having an identity crisis)
When does the Red Sox’s season start?
Have you seen those baby panda triplets? Two of them are really cute!
I've accepted the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. Haven't checked the internet, but I think I'm the first celebrity. bit.ly/1uVfAes
I can’t believe some jerk already has the license plate I requested: MSCORSESE
Today I looked at some great times I had with Robin over the years. God bless him, he still really makes me laugh. bit.ly/1sTGpjP
Absolutely stunned to hear the news about Robin Williams. It's unimaginable to me that we've lost such a genuinely funny and sweet man.
Still no listeners for my new podcast about all my favorite podcasts.
I named my dog “Spot.” It doesn’t sound hip but it’s short for “Spotify.”
Today, a historian told me the real Sam Adams never actually brewed a Blueberry Oatmeal Summer Stout.
If you’re wondering what I was like in college, one time I had a pregnancy scare with my pillow.
60% of Americans say they believe the nation is in a state of decline. The other 40% didn’t know what “decline” meant.
To anyone in that Russian crime ring that stole all those passwords: can you help me get into my Pinterest account?
.@AndyRichter & I teamed up with a talking toilet for some water-saving tips from @NRDCWater & @NRDC: bit.ly/1ukuSt4 #TeamCocoH20