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Conan O'Brien
To be clear, I’m dressed as Hello Kitty for Hello Kitty Con, NOT Halloween.
Just called my broker and told him to buy 300 shares of Neil Patrick Harris.
Massachusetts was just named the most liberal state. Researchers almost picked California, but then they stopped for gas in Bakersfield.
Tonight Ashton Kutcher talks about my two favorite topics: fatherhood and Charlie Sheen.
As if there weren’t already enough reasons to hate Ebola, I hear it also smokes e-cigarettes.
Kenny G has angered all of China, yet no one is telling him to “stick to music.”
Personally, I think America is ready for a woman to scale the White House fence.
I'm honored to be mentioned in Harvard President Faust's speech today about making the #CaseForCollege:
Damn - Whenever I go toe to toe with @madeleine Albright, she always wins.
.@madeleine YES - My first twitter war with a former Secretary of State! You're next, George P. Shultz!
I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as “Slutty Madeleine Albright.”
Every once in a while, just for fun, I mail an Eviction Notice to @WarrenBuffett.
My imaginary friend grew up to become my imaginary strength and conditioning coach
I love autumn in L.A., when the colors change on the Fire Danger signs.
The average Netflix user streams 46 hours a month. And the average senior citizen, 8 times a night.
I asked nicely, but the DMV won’t change the hair color on my driver’s license to “pumpkin spice.”
There’s now a hybrid Lamborghini for environmentally-conscious men with small penises.
I’m pretty sure when the umpires say they’re going to look at the replay, they’re watching cat videos.
Am I the only one who realized that “Frozen” was just an allegory for the U.S. leaving the gold standard in 1933?
My lifelong dream of having interlocking feet and claw hands is finally coming true: #LEGOBatman3
Tonight I’m on #TheTalkingDead, which makes up for never getting to be on #TheWalkingDead (I was up for the part of Carl).
When the freeway lanes leaving LA are blocked, and the lanes going into town are empty, then, yes, I do scan the horizon for monsters.
Earthquakes seem to know when my dog is about to freak out.
A 5-year old in California tested positive for cocaine. His parents became suspicious when he asked for “a kilo of ice cream.”
My neighbors criticized me for putting a pumpkin out too soon. I had to tell them that was just me looking out the window.
Just received my invitation to George Clooney’s wedding….
If the news gets any worse, the home page of Drudge Report is just going to be a giant skull on fire.
Ben Affleck said that his penis looks better in 3D. Mine does too, but my wife refuses to wear the glasses.
Still mountain biking during heat wave. Please tell me what I'm eating. Tastes like bitter almonds...
Mountain biking during heat wave. Just drank my urine. They sell it at Whole Foods.
Well, the phrase “going viral” suddenly seems less cool.
Giants! Pirates! Dolphins! Apples! Corduroy! You thought this was a baseball tweet at first, didn’t you?
Tweeting this from the White House. The Obamas look so peaceful sleeping. #shhhh
If he or she owns finger cymbals, chances are the sex will be memorable.
I like to go to Whole Foods, put organic stickers on conventional produce, then sit back and watch the fireworks.
Clippers owner Steve Ballmer is banning his players from using Apple products. How do I get my kids on the Clippers?
A flight from Boston to LA was diverted to Omaha after a passenger started masturbating. Nothing kills an erection like landing in Omaha.
I hope ‘The Equalizer’ is about Denzel being a badass by adding artificial sweetener to people’s coffee without asking.
An evangelical rewrote a Harry Potter book to rid it of all the witchcraft. Sounds bad, but I really liked her other book “1 Shade of Grey.”
My iPhone 6 Plus is two days old and it’s already bent. Has anyone else had this issue after leaving their phone on train tracks overnight?
My wife is boycotting the NFL. Her boycott began in 1987.
They’re going to start locking the White House doors, but they’re still going to let pies cool on the window sill.
I’m an X-Man, if crying yourself to sleep is considered a mutant power.
I was going to buy the iPhone 6 Plus, but I already have a flat-screen TV.
Scientists discovered fossil evidence of the first swimming dinosaur, and @kingsthings hasn’t thanked me for not making a joke about it.
iTunes is getting too invasive. Last night I woke up at 3am to find the new U2 album raiding my fridge.
You might want to stay indoors today, Burbank.
Today, Scotland and England laughed off reports they were breaking up and insist they’ve never been happier.
A baseball player got suspended for Adderall use. Football players think that’s adorable.
The iPhone 6 can take 20 selfies in rapid succession, in case you were worried about the selfie shortage.