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Conan O'Brien
iTunes is getting too invasive. Last night I woke up at 3am to find the new U2 album raiding my fridge.
You might want to stay indoors today, Burbank. pic.twitter.com/LrnVydt8a2
Today, Scotland and England laughed off reports they were breaking up and insist they’ve never been happier.
A baseball player got suspended for Adderall use. Football players think that’s adorable.
The iPhone 6 can take 20 selfies in rapid succession, in case you were worried about the selfie shortage.
Backstage ready to perform at "The Simpsons Take The Bowl". I have extra hats. bit.ly/1qTEUSz
When you think about it, every cake has the potential to be a crumb cake.
I still think the third “Hobbit” film could be stretched to 5 movies.
The Dalai Lama says he should not have a successor and that the position has served its purpose. Sorry, Ray Liotta.
I hear the iPhone 7 is going to be a landline!
Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the “tush push.”
I never forget a name, Bro.
“What drought?” – Lizards
“Groot, I am.” (Groot doing a Yoda impression)
Quick question: Why is a flash mob of hipsters and yoga moms called a “farmer’s market?”
I don’t even trust real clouds anymore.
On this Labor Day I'd like to salute the millions of Americans who day in and day out type 140 letters and hit Send.
I'm opening a restaurant that only serves bread bowls filled with smaller bread bowls.
Gummi worms are incredibly popular, so I’m not sure why my line of gummi chiggers didn’t take off.
I hate being recognized in restaurants, except when the waiter says, “Shall I put it on your tab, Ms. Swinton?”
A woman is suing McDonalds because she bit into a Big Mac and found a Starbucks.
I hope I never discover a genie when I’m really hungry, tired, or unhappy with my cell phone reception.
I just got waylaid in Malay by Pele.
So liberating - just threw car keys into ocean. Glad they weren’t my car keys.
Sweating like crazy. May have to switch to men’s deodorant.
Just taught my kids about the current U.S. Congress by taking their ball, going home, and crying.
Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat? That’s great, I was looking for a place to buy way-too-expensive rabbit meat.
Tonight on #CONAN it's an hour of our most unprofessional and embarrassing rehearsal moments. If you like human error, this show's for you!
No one will see "The Expendables III" for me.
I think the ice bucket challenge caused some permanent shrinkage.
When I retire I’m going to pursue my first passion: inventing pancakes that can be sold by the loaf.
“Am I Groot?” (Groot having an identity crisis)
When does the Red Sox’s season start?
Have you seen those baby panda triplets? Two of them are really cute!
I've accepted the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. Haven't checked the internet, but I think I'm the first celebrity. bit.ly/1uVfAes
I can’t believe some jerk already has the license plate I requested: MSCORSESE
Today I looked at some great times I had with Robin over the years. God bless him, he still really makes me laugh. bit.ly/1sTGpjP
Absolutely stunned to hear the news about Robin Williams. It's unimaginable to me that we've lost such a genuinely funny and sweet man.
Still no listeners for my new podcast about all my favorite podcasts.
I named my dog “Spot.” It doesn’t sound hip but it’s short for “Spotify.”
Today, a historian told me the real Sam Adams never actually brewed a Blueberry Oatmeal Summer Stout.
If you’re wondering what I was like in college, one time I had a pregnancy scare with my pillow.
60% of Americans say they believe the nation is in a state of decline. The other 40% didn’t know what “decline” meant.
To anyone in that Russian crime ring that stole all those passwords: can you help me get into my Pinterest account?
.@AndyRichter & I teamed up with a talking toilet for some water-saving tips from @NRDCWater & @NRDC: bit.ly/1ukuSt4 #TeamCocoH20
I don’t think it helps that Sudafed has started putting “Our Favorite Meth Recipe” on the back of the box.
The full @OITNB cast is on #CONAN tonight on TBS. Coincidentally, “Orange is the New Black” is the same pick-up line I used in college.
Look out, Brits! #CONAN will appear in the UK on @truTVUK. Consider this revenge for dumping @SimonCowell on us. #truTVIsComing
You've done the hard part: deciding which of the thousands of #Sharktopus viewing parties to go to. Now, watch in awe tonight on Syfy at 9.
I believe it was the great Russian filmmaker Eisenstein who said, “Shit, it’s cold here.”