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Conan O'Brien
You asked for it, here it is: my cameo in #SharktopusVsPteracuda. And when I say "you," I mean "no one." -> bit.ly/1pIpb5g
I’ve been in my office with the door closed for an hour and a half, thinking about how weird a name “Jolly Rancher” is.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you shoot the apple out of a T-shirt cannon at the doctor’s face.
People keep asking me for more footage from my Tinder sexcapade with Dave Franco. Here it is, perverts: bit.ly/1rEyVj9
Hostess is bringing back the chocolate covered Twinkie. Anyone looking to eat healthy should just stick to the regular Twinkie.
The U.S. Census bureau found that only 7% of Americans identify themselves as bisexual. This is shocking new to anyone who watches porn.
Not sure I’m on board with the idea of “6 Californias.” But I am very interested in the idea of 35 Rhode Islands.
Tonight Dave Franco helps me learn about Tinder. Also tonight, I learn how cruel the internet can be. bit.ly/UdZPBU
So Stephen Colbert debuted the first masturbating bear? Tonight, I make @StephenAtHome pay for his grotesque lie.  
In recent speeches, President Obama has been calling on Americans to stop being so cynical. He’s probably getting paid to say that.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has some pretty crass product placement, especially the scene where the apes start wearing Skechers.
Gonna kick this BBQ off right with my favorite summer groove: Bjork’s “Human Behaviour.”
Ladies, let’s just say that the carpet matches whatever the metaphor for back hair would be.
I’m having martial problems. That’s not a typo, I have trouble conducting myself properly during wartime.
Money-saving tip: for one week, eat all your meals at a Shell gas station.
I always thought that “Irish step dancing” should be called “Irish, stop dancing.”
Sure, the Silver Surfer is a cool comic book character, but I prefer the Pewter Boogie Boarder.
To save time I’m combining two tweets. Sure, if you like tomatoes, that is!
Why do we put all this pressure on clouds to look like other things? Let’s let clouds be clouds!
My Golden Retriever sure loves his new fedora and shades from Douchebag Dogs.
DON¹T watch "The 4th of Julie", it is NOT about our country's independence. Deleting browser history now.
I buy all my flags on July 5th.
My favorite song about a haunted concierge desk would probably have to be “Hotel California.”
Why do assumptions always require you to “work under” them? I’d rather “play over” them! (Conan hits send, has phone taken away by nurse)
I'm going to miss the World Cup when it's over. It¹ll be hard to go into a bar & not hear people yelling about something I don¹t understand.