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It took me a while, but I finally ran Barbara Walters out of show business.
Out of the loop… what’s all this about President Obama being worse than Cynthia Nixon?
President Obama is embroiled in 3 scandals. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Amateur.”
Tonight I try out a new desk made of 100%
@imheathergraham.
bit.ly/14uyVpJ #HeatherDesk I just found out I’m being audited. I don’t remember joining the Tea Party.
Just tried to make a Benedict Cumberbatch anagram and I now have a hernia.
For fun, I sent a dick pic to Siri and she just replied, “I think you meant to send a picture of a penis.”
You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! For your gift I sent you this message in a medium I know you neither receive nor understand.
My version of a meltdown is spending 5 minutes angrily shouting the word, "chambray" to LL Bean's automated voice recognition system.
According to a new poll, Kristen Stewart is now the least trusted movie star in America. Movie star? She told me she was a cattle rancher!!!
Forbes Magazine named Tim Tebow America’s most influential athlete. Just 1 more reason why I always get my sports news from Forbes Magazine.
YouTube may start charging? I guess cats are sick of working for free.
Just downloaded a cool new app that lets me use my phone as a drink coaster.
No crazy North Korea news in a while. So I guess that's all solved then?
I watched the Kentucky Derby and said to my wife, “All that build up for 2 minutes.” Why did she give me that look?
The more I learn about prunes, ichthyosaurs, and basket-weaving, the more I question my reading habits.
Paparazzi are the worst. Sometimes I give them the exact time and address, and they’re still late.
Just saw that movie "Oblivion". Apparently everyone in the future is either really good looking or Morgan Freeman.
Last night I wore undies with
@keshasuxx's face -- just as the old gypsy predicted:
bit.ly/18ptM2r pic.twitter.com/TdseDO71z0 Congratulations to NBA player Jason Collins on being brave enough to admit that he’s a Washington Wizard.
President Obama and I had so much fun Saturday night, we’re performing next week at the Toledo Funny Bone.
This supermarket is replaying my White House Correspondents' performance. There is nowhere else to go in showbiz.
bit.ly/186JvGo Just rehearsed my routine to an empty ballroom at the Washington Hilton. The one guy unfolding chairs loved it.
bit.ly/11NlWxx Just visited the
@whitehouse press room. Lost my temper and ejected the reporter from the Christian Science Monitor.
bit.ly/121BOLF In D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Practicing my opening "Goofy Sunglasses" bit:
bit.ly/15RpxA2 We bring
#TheSimpsons writing room to my studio in the latest episode of
#SeriousJibberJabber:
bit.ly/14qttIk Scientists claim that half of the world’s languages will be dead by the end of the century. So I learned Klingon for nothing.
All the living presidents were at the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Bush demanded to know, "Where's Martin Sheen?"
I thought auto-erotic asphyxiation was when you strangle your car while you're having sex with it.
Hey
@benfranklin... technically, the first person to be electrocuted discovered electricity.
I’m in the best shape of my life. Just benched twice my birth weight.
Just overheard a guy describe his friend as “Conan, if Conan wasn’t ‘Conan.’” Sadly, I know what he means.
Accountant yelling at me about box of Omaha Steaks I sent to each new follower in 2012.
Someone in the Vatican was found downloading porn. He was looking at shocking images of women in positions of leadership.
Congrats to Adam Scott on his incredible and historically significant Masters win! I hope this doesn't mean he's leaving "Parks & Rec".
20 years ago today I auditioned for my "Late Night" job. Here's what it looks like when an 11 year old hosts a show:
bit.ly/115oCX2 Just learned that Spotify can’t turn people into dogs.
I expected
@charliesheen to arrive at my show in style tonight, and he did not disappoint.
bit.ly/XGm5pa #CONAN Just got photobombed by George Clooney. Okay, I stepped in front of his golf cart.
Facebook has apologized to a mom for removing breastfeeding pics - the only baby pictures on Facebook that anyone has ever wanted to see.
The 1st line of Brad Paisley’s “Accidental Racist” is “To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main”. That old country cliché?
It was a great weekend of basketball, but for me, the Final Four will always be the winner and three runners-up on “Toddlers & Tiaras.”
It's hard to transition from The Walking Dead to Mad Men in one week. AMC could help by having Don Draper wear an eye patch.
Congrats to Louisville on their last second win. I want to say I was on the edge of my seat, but I was in a beanbag chair eating gelato.
Thanks for a great week, Atlanta! Now, does anyone know how to get BBQ stains out of a white silk kimono? I'm asking for a friend.
#ConanATL 
I got naked with
@chelseahandler last night. I had no idea this was being filmed.
bit.ly/Y01Ttg pic.twitter.com/MDpvD3L2rF This is either a great Turner promotional scheme, or a frightening look at how we humans will evolve.
bit.ly/14ODRck #ConanATL Paul Rudd and I just did a
#selfie. We're not good at this.
bit.ly/XWcvcJ #ConanATL As thanks for me plugging
#ThisIsTheEnd,
@Sethrogen posed for a backstage pic of him fleeing a space zebra:
bit.ly/XTLsyN #ConanATL