I don't want to say healthcare.gov
is still flawed, but my health insurance is now being paid for by a prince in Nigeria.
David Beckham said he was hazed his 1st year as a pro player. For 10 grueling minutes, he was forced to pose for photos with a shirt on.
Amazon drone, wow. Just when I was getting used to the Barnes & Noble surface-to-air book launcher.
You COULD let your guests pile their coats on the bed, but you're just inviting DNA confusion if the night ends in murder.
Not sure how to feel about this. My daughter's class just put on a pageant about The First Black Friday.
Should I be worried that I look a lot like the woman in this dry cleaning ad? bit.ly/IrqKF1
In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.
Fortunately, "gobble gobble" is turkey for "I'm ready, Jesus."
I consider myself a moral person. That's why I only eat turkeys that have exhausted the appeals process.
Fun fact: the 1st Thanksgiving had lobster, venison and small pox.
Today is a day for drinking beer, watching football, and pretending I don't want to kiss all the players.
I wasn’t going to try Prilosec, but then I saw an online ad of theirs featuring Larry the Cable Guy.
R2D2 has been confirmed for the next #StarWars
film. After all these years, R1D1 still can't catch a break.
A new study has found that women would rather watch TV than have sex. Sort of good news/bad news thing for me.
Tonight on #CONAN
, Mr. @RonBurgundy
sings a moving song to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. youtu.be/bhhpz9pKyj8
Apparently this just happens to anyone who gets within ten feet of @RonBurgundy
: bit.ly/1jnPaKW #CONAN
This Rob Ford guy is proof that you can get pretty far just on looks and charm.
This insane supercut is both a recap of #CONAN
season 3 and a recurring nightmare I've been having lately: bit.ly/1dPn22j
I'm gonna go jump in that big pile of leaves. Wait, that's Larry King sitting on his lawn.
Starting a Twitter feud with @Pontifex
. Hey, Pope Francis! I admire and respect you! (Not good at Twitter feuds.)
The "50 Shades of Grey" movie will be postponed until 2015. For "50 Shades" fans, that's agony - sweet, sweet agony.
Bill Clinton said in terms of Americans keeping their health policy, President Obama should "keep his vow." Then he laughed for 9 hours.
To commemorate the 150th anniversary of The Gettysburg Address, I joined @KenBurns
in reciting it: bit.ly/1fkf6He
Text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to help #Haiyan
victims. Give more here: rdcrss.org/16SdgLr
Blockbuster announced they’re closing all their stores. Now where am I supposed to go when I want to be alone?
I was surprised to find out most of the new THOR movie takes place in a Vermont bed and breakfast.
Marvel Comics is introducing a new Muslim Female superhero. She has so many more special powers than her husband’s other wives.
Enjoy the Twitter IPO, nerds. I'll be at the Myspace yardsale.
Is it wrong to drive out to a farm 3 weeks early just to taunt your Thanksgiving turkey?
& I are on @BETRealHusbands
tonight. I'm gonna hit that network like a ton of plain yogurt. bit.ly/HykqLB
Now that that the FAA is letting us be on our phones during take-off, I don’t want to use my phone during take-off.
A friend's 4 year old did this to me. I thought it was cute until I was shot at by the @Pokemon
When my grandchildren ask me who I was and what I stood for, I’ll say these 3 words:"Money Shot Lincoln." bit.ly/18ALWhj #Conan20
Check out 20 years of classic bits on TeamCoco: bit.ly/1d4NncN
. They are “Safe For Work”, depending on how hot I make you. #Conan20
I don’t like to be wasteful so I’m turning all my leftover Halloween candy corn into a chowder.
Celebrating 20 years on television. That’s over two decades of old people not understanding my show: bit.ly/1d4NncN #Conan20
this week to see clips from my 20 years on TV, & see if you can pinpoint when my “procedure” was done. bit.ly/1d4NncN
For a safe and legal hallucinatory flashback, check out these clips from 20 years of hosting: bit.ly/1d4NncN #Conan20
I Google-Imaged “Talkshow host.” bit.ly/1g61F0s
I wonder if a shipment of cumberbunds is called a Cumberbatch.
Calling the horse races at Santa Anita today. It's going gangbusters! bit.ly/1aK6O7g
Who needs a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame when I have this outside @fordstheatre
I thought I’d seen it all, California. Wow. Gluten-free urinal cakes?
Too late, @BillGates
- I’ve already paired up with the Winklevoss Twins & Tom from MySpace. We can’t lose!
Recently finished my 3,000th hour on TV. Only 7,000 more ‘til Malcolm @Gladwell
thinks I’m an expert.
Brazil is exhuming the bodies of two former presidents. Man, how bad is Brazil’s current president doing?
PETA wants the Redskins to be named after a potato. Which is my family’s solution to everything.
Just got nominated for my first Daytime Pulitzer.
I hate to be a hypochondriac but do these pox look small to you?