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Conan O'Brien
I don’t even trust real clouds anymore.
On this Labor Day I'd like to salute the millions of Americans who day in and day out type 140 letters and hit Send.
I'm opening a restaurant that only serves bread bowls filled with smaller bread bowls.
Gummi worms are incredibly popular, so I’m not sure why my line of gummi chiggers didn’t take off.
I hate being recognized in restaurants, except when the waiter says, “Shall I put it on your tab, Ms. Swinton?”
A woman is suing McDonalds because she bit into a Big Mac and found a Starbucks.
I hope I never discover a genie when I’m really hungry, tired, or unhappy with my cell phone reception.
I just got waylaid in Malay by Pele.
So liberating - just threw car keys into ocean. Glad they weren’t my car keys.
Sweating like crazy. May have to switch to men’s deodorant.
Just taught my kids about the current U.S. Congress by taking their ball, going home, and crying.
Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat? That’s great, I was looking for a place to buy way-too-expensive rabbit meat.
Tonight on #CONAN it's an hour of our most unprofessional and embarrassing rehearsal moments. If you like human error, this show's for you!
No one will see "The Expendables III" for me.
I think the ice bucket challenge caused some permanent shrinkage.
When I retire I’m going to pursue my first passion: inventing pancakes that can be sold by the loaf.
“Am I Groot?” (Groot having an identity crisis)
When does the Red Sox’s season start?
Have you seen those baby panda triplets? Two of them are really cute!
I've accepted the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. Haven't checked the internet, but I think I'm the first celebrity.
I can’t believe some jerk already has the license plate I requested: MSCORSESE
Today I looked at some great times I had with Robin over the years. God bless him, he still really makes me laugh.
Absolutely stunned to hear the news about Robin Williams. It's unimaginable to me that we've lost such a genuinely funny and sweet man.
Still no listeners for my new podcast about all my favorite podcasts.
I named my dog “Spot.” It doesn’t sound hip but it’s short for “Spotify.”
Today, a historian told me the real Sam Adams never actually brewed a Blueberry Oatmeal Summer Stout.
If you’re wondering what I was like in college, one time I had a pregnancy scare with my pillow.
60% of Americans say they believe the nation is in a state of decline. The other 40% didn’t know what “decline” meant.
To anyone in that Russian crime ring that stole all those passwords: can you help me get into my Pinterest account?
.@AndyRichter & I teamed up with a talking toilet for some water-saving tips from @NRDCWater & @NRDC: #TeamCocoH20
I don’t think it helps that Sudafed has started putting “Our Favorite Meth Recipe” on the back of the box.
The full @OITNB cast is on #CONAN tonight on TBS. Coincidentally, “Orange is the New Black” is the same pick-up line I used in college.
Look out, Brits! #CONAN will appear in the UK on @truTVUK. Consider this revenge for dumping @SimonCowell on us. #truTVIsComing
You've done the hard part: deciding which of the thousands of #Sharktopus viewing parties to go to. Now, watch in awe tonight on Syfy at 9.
I believe it was the great Russian filmmaker Eisenstein who said, “Shit, it’s cold here.”
Google has a new plan to eliminate porn-links from non-porn-Internet searches. Good news for all 4 of you.
I'm in London, doing my best to keep a low profile: @truTVUK #TruTVisComing
Still can’t believe that “Elon Musk” isn’t an Eastern European cologne tycoon.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time:
I’m known throughout LA’s Karaoke bar scene as “the Closer.”
Recently decided that eating cherries is no longer worth the effort.
Perfection is something I regularly atain.
You asked for it, here it is: my cameo in #SharktopusVsPteracuda. And when I say "you," I mean "no one." ->
I’ve been in my office with the door closed for an hour and a half, thinking about how weird a name “Jolly Rancher” is.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you shoot the apple out of a T-shirt cannon at the doctor’s face.
People keep asking me for more footage from my Tinder sexcapade with Dave Franco. Here it is, perverts:
Hostess is bringing back the chocolate covered Twinkie. Anyone looking to eat healthy should just stick to the regular Twinkie.
The U.S. Census bureau found that only 7% of Americans identify themselves as bisexual. This is shocking new to anyone who watches porn.
Not sure I’m on board with the idea of “6 Californias.” But I am very interested in the idea of 35 Rhode Islands.
Tonight Dave Franco helps me learn about Tinder. Also tonight, I learn how cruel the internet can be.