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Chris D'Elia
FLORIDA here I come ehehehe tickets at
MIAMI, WEST PALM BEACH and TAMPA - see you this weekend. Tickets here #undernoinfluencetour
Layover in Detroit. Finishing "The Purge: Anarchy" on my iPad. Too bright.
It's so weird how all I wanna do is make people laugh. I literally would never fuck again as long as I could make someone laugh.
Tomorrow headed to Charleston SC for one night off before heading to Columbia, SC. Then West Palm Beach, Miami, and Tampa for the weekend. #roadlife #undernoinfluencetour
Happy birthday to my favorite person @mattdelia!
I thought this was a blowjob machine but nothing happened to my penis when I put in in there. 😔
Annnnnnd 100 percent definitely ship that item and don't have it as a carry-on at the airport
Bye for now Wisconsin. (PS never put this on your head UNLESS you are fucking and are also wearing a blazer)
Absolutely NEVER fuck with me. #neverbackdown #realkarate #absoluterealkarate (photo credit: Daniel Radcliffe)
Milwaukee was awesome. Madison tonight. (📷: Sara Bill) #UNDERNOINFLUENCETOUR
NEW YORK - tickets at
Eh. Seh. Cute. (with @jasoncollings)
"Your phone needs to be in airplane mode during the flight because it doesn't matter at all and we all know you aren't going to do it."
Annnnnd elbow too high for the phone.
Fuck you, Apple. Not til you make me.
Robert Duvall being s'bitch the way he slaps the car in "Gone in 60 Seconds"!!! Eh. Seh. Bitch.
Me and this little bitch.
Minneapolis, my friend @chrisdelia will be performing in our city this Saturday. Go see him and be nice and then fart.
Retweeted by Chris D'Elia
Milwaukee and Madison WISCONSIN this weekend. Tickets at
Tickets at
Hanging out with that baby I found.
True D'Eliever, @Kelseyyo76 got her nails done for my show. Striking resemblance.
Just talked to @chrisdelia on the phone. It was the dorkiest thing either of us had done in like a year and a half.
Retweeted by Chris D'Elia
What about how some guys sing real songs sensually to the camera and post them on Vine or Instagram? Hey guy, you are a woman now.
There's a baby on my floor.
Me and my opener @jasoncollings on my #UNDERNOINFLUENCETOUR. Shows have been so awesome. 20 cities left! Milwaukee you're next.
Annnnd watching hardcore porn.
Pre show. Saint Louis. Ehe.
Finally a picture with something in it more arched than my eyebrow.
Ben Affleck is so handsome and shit that's hilarious. Like some people are so ugly but he's all just like "Yo, I'll fuck that girl".
I took this picture and then realized WTF?
Annnnnd not doing anything.
Got my hotel room all set up in Kansas City tonight.
My mom texted me this video by mistake that she took on accident. Holy fucking shit, mom, I love you. 😂
BANG BANG BANG BANG! 22 cities left. Kansas City I'm coming to you tonight. Fuck baseball. #UNDERNOINFLUENCETOUR
It's cool when you are able to bring your best comedian friends on the road with you. Here we go Chicago. #undernoinfluencetour
So thankful for my roomie who is willing to sit in the street with me to be first row for @chrisdelia
Retweeted by Chris D'Elia
Drake goes like this in that 0 to 100 song "I been staff curry with the shop been cooking with the soft chef curry with the pop boy".
Photo Credit: who gives a fuck because it doesn't matter because your friend just took the picture and we aren't going to follow them just because they took a picture of you looking cool in a doorway or some shit
If your friend took a picture and you posted it on your Instagram, don't give them photo credit because 100 percent who gives a fuck
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... depressing!
Literally know every word to this new Drake song. Feels so good to rap along with @champagnepapi
HI GUYS I DID COMEDY TONIGHT! (Photo credit: Kurt Russell)