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Chris D'Elia
actor comics writers 364,451 followers
NEW EPISODE! Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme swear so much while not swearing. "Arnie and JCVD's Dog"
Retweeted by Chris D'Elia
Tag me in stupid as fuck inspirational tweets you find and also tag #100percentfuckno so I can laugh about how dumb they are.
My memory is so bad I forget thoughts before I originally thought them.
Cool it with the fuckin' inspiration. Just hang the fuck out and do shit.
I would never have sex ever again as long as I could do stand up comedy every night for the rest of my life. Stand up is my favorite thing.
Hey twitter, I have twitter. So don't send me emails about things that are happening on twitter.
These dudes chillin in their nook. Can't get over it. Ehsehcute.
NEW YORK - I'm here all weekend. Come see me perform. Get tickets here…
This made me laugh. Good job! (Artist: @helenaray_lei)
"Hey juices, you keep lookin' at me like that and I'll fuck you all up."
I nominate a piece of poopy to do the ice bucket challenge! Piece of poopy, you have 24 hours to accept!
My dude Butters would not leave this cozy spot in my new furniture piece I got for the house so I went and got this motherfucker a bed SO I WIN, BUTTERS. 🏆
Guys, definitely stop asking me where my "ice bucket" video is. I responded to the challenge by donating, which is the whole fucking point.
My face during any GEICO commercial.
Yesterday at the Oddball Tour in New Jersey. Great crowd. Nice to finally perform in my home state.
The fact that my last tweet isn't the most retweeted tweet in history is so fucking annoying. It's time to look at ourselves as Americans.
All guys have penises in their pants and that's so weird. There's always so many penises everywhere you just can't see them usually.
Eating eggs naked and just dripped yolk all over my penis and balls by mistake k have a good week everyone
I accepted you @justinbieber and @skylarastin I now challenge @batman and @robin and the entire cast of the upcoming movie "The Expendables 3" to dump a bucket of ice water on your head or donate in the next 24 hours. #icebucketchallenge #alsicebucketchallenge
I accept, now I nominate @TheEllenShow my main man President Barack Obama and chrisdelia…
Retweeted by Chris D'Elia