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If you don't want me to look at your boobs, then turn around when you talk to me.
I'm never going bungee jumping. I came in this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
When I squirt the lotion into my hand thats #WhereTheMagicHappens
I don't always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Boobies.
They say: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Me? I use coupons to get pizza.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line... We see you and we are judging you bunghole.
I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
I took a handful of quarters to the strip club and made it hail on that bitch!
I wish I were as attractive to chicks as I am to mosquitoes.
Friends are like snowflakes. Once you pee on them, they disappear.
Chris Brown and I have a completely different understanding of the phrase "I'd hit that"
Whenever you are feeling down, remember, today you broke your personal record for days without dying!
Great morning people. Let's get up and get thru the day best as possible. Great #MONDAY
to everyone. Thanks for following me too
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Next time you fart, turn to the nearest person and say to them..."Did you hear that asshole talk shit behind my back?
Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole "man's best friend" thing
Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably
im lyin that shit never happened, im sittin on my couch smokin a blunt watchin cartoons #skinnyparty
I just mixed peanut butter and Nutella together in case anyone's curious why I've suddenly started attending church
Screw getting an alarm system. Ive seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Alcohol is not the answer. It just makes you forget the question.
from MTV'S Teen Wolf and ABC's Once Upon a time. He's got great tweets, and love's his fans...
If an ice cube falls on the floor, kick it under the fridge.
The perfect seat in class would be one where you are surrounded by your best friend, your crush, a smart person, & a really cool funny kid.
Ran 3 miles this morning! Just kidding, I'm on my third donut
Always respect a woman and never call her a bitch unless, u know, ur telling her to get you a sandwich
“I saw a really nice chair yesterday.” - if your grandma tweeted
A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.
It's crazy! This thing's READING MY MIND!
If you're not sure if a person is interested in a conversation, cross you arms and if they do the same, they are interested.
Love the bizarre and the geek or the uncommon and interesting?? Follow @GeekZarre
for great content!
Girl I can't tell if that's a fake tan or your skin is sponsored by Fanta.
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I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
That awkward moment when you hold the door open for someone and they use the door next to it.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems necessary.
I'm pretty sure Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items.
Always remember that you are not worthless, organs are extremely expensive on the black market
You only live once" is actually a false statement. You live every day, you only die once.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of don't let the balloon hit the floor.
At a nerd wedding they don't say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."
I started a website for female drivers. But it kept crashing.
one time i stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag #hightweet
"I could eat." - How I answer most questions, even if its not food related