Going to spend they day tomorrow throwing magnets at people to make sure they are not robots.
I'm basically just shuffling papers and watching the clock until #pacificrim
I dropped my electric toothbrush in the bin and accidentally co-produced a Skrillex album.
The amount of power surging through me after successfully giving a stranger directions can only be described as dangerous.
Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Tweet like the NSA doesn't exist.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Wanna really impress me iTunes? Let me download a pizza.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my dog and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S BOOGER?!?!
If I offer you some of my gummy bears, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you dare take any.
I told my dog it is weird that she follows me into the bathroom all the time. So she walked out. Now I'm weirded out that she speaks English
I call bullshit on the Chinese language. There's no way that shit is real.
A sarcastic thumbs-up is a good substitute for the middle finger.
You should be able to get out of a speeding ticket if you can prove you were listening to a kick-ass song.
Thinking about wearing Uggs in public? Just remember that blonde girl in the movie 'Taken'. She wore Uggs in public and died.
Google announces Web Designer, a new HTML5 content creation tool. ?doubleclickadvertisers.blogspot.com.au/2013/06/thinkd…
I was so productive this morning, then I tweeted.
just applied for health insurance & boy r my arms tired! *quote goes up to $330/month* noooo it was a joke I'm a jokeman on Twitter *$3000*
To watch a reality show about cooking is to realize how much chef's headsweat you've eaten in your life #masterchefAU au.zeebox.com/tv/episode/518…
While I'm not much of a cook, I know enough to cut sandwiches in triangles to make them taste better. #masterchefAU au.zeebox.com/tv/episode/518…
We are about to open our newest Woodland Education centre. Stay tuned.
You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some savage.
I crushed a 3.6 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
There's a big difference between writing poetry, and just making stories with rhymes. Guess which one I'm good at, limes.
The difference between "she's jogging & healthy" vs "she's in danger & I should help" is headphones.
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
I hope no one tells the kids in Africa we have forums on our computers where we can just complain about stuff.
I have a friend who is very creepy & whenever we take a photo together all I can think is "this will be on Australia's Most wanted someday"
Tip of the day: ALWAYS be the first person in a Human Centipede chain...Always.
Every time I listen to oldies I'm like, "These people didn't even have mobile phones. What do they know about love?"
1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart. 2)tip over til feet touch the ground. 3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you
If you can fold a fitted sheet I’m 99% sure you graduated from Hogwarts.
Thought it was Thursday today... #heartbroken
It's 2013 and McDonalds still has no all day breakfast menu. #dissapointed
Insurance lady: Where do You see yourself in ten years? I don't know. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.
Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Tuesday.
A mosquito fell into my scotch and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my scotch.
I was sturggling with the fact that tomorrow was Monday. Then I remember that some birds can talk and now I am so amped.
I crushed a 4.0km run with a pace of 4'20" with Nike+ Running App. #nikeplus
Stupid people have it made. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer.
You're never drinking alone if you nickname your ice cubes.
Me a nerd? Haha no, I'm just making sure not to end up working with you at McDonalds.
If you don’t pretend you’re a jedi every time you walk through some automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.
Shout out to old guy behind counter who started coughing really hard, drank some water, recovered, chuckled, and said "Not today!"
After buying toilet paper at Woolworths, the cashier said, "you'll need your receipt." I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life.
I crushed a 4.1 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
Naming my law firm/night club "Mullet." People will have to walk through the business in the front to get to the party in the back.