No longer a Saint Kilda supporter after your efforts on Monday. @stkildafc
shout out to the little girl today who said "when I grow up I want to be bamboo"
If you have that loud keyboard clicking sound enabled on your iPhone, give me your phone. You don't get a phone.
Off to visit the new childcare site in Hawthorn.
Man should not be judged by the color of his skin, but by the first song that comes on his iPod when on shuffle. pic.twitter.com/Se2dHTLYQ9
Mess with me and I will straight up yank the draw string out of your hoodie.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
hello 000 yes I touched wet food while doing the dishes i’d like to surgically remove my hand.
People who believe in aliens are such freaking idiots. I'll tweet more about it when I get back from my Bigfoot hunt tonight.
It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.
I crushed a 5.1km run with a pace of 6'44" with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus #nikeplus
Just got stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I hate when i’m trying to blow out birthday candles and little kids try to do it with me excuse u it’s not ur birthday so take a step back
We put a rover on Mars and made colour changing beer cans. It's about time somebody invents a day in-between Sunday and Monday. Markday.
Very cool way to interact with your computer. Ordered mine. leapmotion.com
Lets just take a minute to appreciate Pringles for never lying to us about the amount of chips we’re getting when we open the can.
Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.
Going to travel back in time and paint a giant "@" in a cave just to freak everyone out.
Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.
I wonder how much time I would have to accomplish things in life if light switches were always in the same place? pic.twitter.com/GpqEXs3wyI
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who is shampooing their shoulder hair? please come forward. pic.twitter.com/pLKoAsK6sp
I'm pretty sure this new iTunes update is gonna turn things around for me. pic.twitter.com/SP9EW0Req7
Why was there not ONE scene in Karate Kid where Daniel's mum asks "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?" pic.twitter.com/OdpOf0NYzi
I don't know what's healthier, but a grilled cheese sandwich tastes way better than a boiled one. pic.twitter.com/qvMN0n3p6E
Just saw a guy stopped on the highway with his hazard lights on. He must have thought of a really good tweet.
I've realized that when my wife says "what?" its not because she didnt hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said.
Hi Africa, it's Australia. A guy over here just ate 69 hotdogs in 10 minutes! How's everything going with you?
I am still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.
Learn the secrets to making great food for kids. pic.twitter.com/cM2CdoAYoS
*me whenever I log into a computer* I'll have to bypass their security system *types in password* bingo pic.twitter.com/yqaDmxK7uD
Give some pot heads a bunch of weed & nothing to smoke out of and suddenly they all become engineers. It's amazing. pic.twitter.com/poJOxwcAUV
I crushed a 7.2 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
Some people should be recalled. pic.twitter.com/OmhZCEeRrq
Hey scientists, you gave us Viagra, Cialis, & Levitra. Stop playing with your dicks & give us something for cancer? pic.twitter.com/s3uPJWOJA6
If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?? pic.twitter.com/ctHOKVT3D6
“Can I maim myself with it?” - A toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something.
Some aluminum foil blew across the road & all I could think was someone was without their protective headgear today. pic.twitter.com/9dWOLWdAJL
Gonna invent a drink called Expresso that’s just a cup of bees so people will stop asking for espresso incorrectly.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to new land? If I ask for directions, don't say "East." pic.twitter.com/EhwGBvBAef
One hard thing to explain to people under 20 is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
Girl on the train: "all boys are the same" Yes, because Zac Efron, Adolf Hitler and Barack Obama share extreme similarities.
Going to spend they day tomorrow throwing magnets at people to make sure they are not robots.
I'm basically just shuffling papers and watching the clock until #pacificrim
I dropped my electric toothbrush in the bin and accidentally co-produced a Skrillex album.
The amount of power surging through me after successfully giving a stranger directions can only be described as dangerous.
Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Tweet like the NSA doesn't exist.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Wanna really impress me iTunes? Let me download a pizza.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my dog and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S BOOGER?!?!
If I offer you some of my gummy bears, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you dare take any.