I crushed a 3.6 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
There's a big difference between writing poetry, and just making stories with rhymes. Guess which one I'm good at, limes.
The difference between "she's jogging & healthy" vs "she's in danger & I should help" is headphones.
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
I hope no one tells the kids in Africa we have forums on our computers where we can just complain about stuff.
I have a friend who is very creepy & whenever we take a photo together all I can think is "this will be on Australia's Most wanted someday"
Tip of the day: ALWAYS be the first person in a Human Centipede chain...Always.
Every time I listen to oldies I'm like, "These people didn't even have mobile phones. What do they know about love?"
1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart. 2)tip over til feet touch the ground. 3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you
If you can fold a fitted sheet I’m 99% sure you graduated from Hogwarts.
Thought it was Thursday today... #heartbroken
It's 2013 and McDonalds still has no all day breakfast menu. #dissapointed
Insurance lady: Where do You see yourself in ten years? I don't know. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.
Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Tuesday.
A mosquito fell into my scotch and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my scotch.
I was sturggling with the fact that tomorrow was Monday. Then I remember that some birds can talk and now I am so amped.
I crushed a 4.0km run with a pace of 4'20" with Nike+ Running App. #nikeplus
Stupid people have it made. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer.
You're never drinking alone if you nickname your ice cubes.
Me a nerd? Haha no, I'm just making sure not to end up working with you at McDonalds.
If you don’t pretend you’re a jedi every time you walk through some automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.
Shout out to old guy behind counter who started coughing really hard, drank some water, recovered, chuckled, and said "Not today!"
After buying toilet paper at Woolworths, the cashier said, "you'll need your receipt." I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life.
I crushed a 4.1 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
Naming my law firm/night club "Mullet." People will have to walk through the business in the front to get to the party in the back.
Just want to thank my mailman for delivering my recycling directly to my house.
Somewhere there's a cat named Pablo Picatso, and that's what keeps me going.
How did we even waste time before Twitter?
I just ordered a party hat for my cat over the Internet while travelling at 100km per hour. We should really stop inventing stuff
There are TV shows literally every day so no I am not free to hang out ever.
The wind just blew a napkin off my table and down the street. That one's on you, Earth.
"Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.
“Do you know how many calories are in that?” “…Do you know how many f*cks I give?”
What do you think about using containers as pop up Childcare?@ContainerHom
I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a cold shower but with me in it.
I crushed a 2.3km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
I crushed a 0.6 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
Mobile phone off and pyjamas all day, that is how all Fridays should be.
I hate the part of the morning where I have to actually get out of bed and participate in real life.
If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because youre on the "Paleo Diet," he'd kill you with a sharpened seashell
eating a snack while making a snack...hmmm
Did you know If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges"
Stranger: you're blocking the view.
me: I am the view
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death*
Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
I crushed a 2.7 km run with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus
I try to accomplish epic missions before the microwave hits zero.