Take An Angry Kodiak Bear To Work Day seemed like a good idea on paper.
Father's Day shoutout to Jor-El, who had the foresight to send his son to a country that speaks Krypton.
"Congratulations! It's a spin-off!"
Nice nod to Field of Dreams by having Kevin Costner's character killed during a game of catch with Superman.
"I cried because I had no feet, but then I saw a guy wearing those weird rubber toe shoes and now I can't stop laughing."
Just saw Man of Steel. Not super, man.
I'll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
Is this Superman movie about how he finds his red shorts?
I remember a time when journalists gave a damn and a slideshow of 15 puppies meant you were going to see CUTE puppies!
Like all the great prophets before him, Kanye's real message is "buy my new signature Nike sneakers."
The Heat lost by 36 last night, in case you're a Miami fan and forgot.
Thanks to the humidity, I'm having an excellent pube day.
I'll never have enough confidence to wear sunglasses indoors.
Promise me Russell Crowe doesn't sing in this new Superman movie.
Looking forward to watching Tim Tebow watch the Patriots this fall.
Never start a food fight at a Brazilian steakhouse.
Here's a simple test to see if you're confident in your own intelligence. Did you stop reading after the first sentence?
Fellow comedy nerds, this Big Pop Fun podcast conversation between Tom Wilson and Jeff Altman is a must-listen: bit.ly/11xTnX1
Here's my plan. Create and sell a pennant that says TEAM PLAYING THE MIAMI HEAT. Retire a billionaire later this month.
Take a picture, it'll last longer (because it will be downloaded from your computer and held forever on NSA servers in Utah).
Even PRISM doesn't give a rip about LinkedIn, apparently.
At least someone was listening to my mom during our phone conversations.
. What sides did you serve SIX YEARS AGO. pic.twitter.com/s5KDIBlHdo
OC/DC: A tribute band that plays AC/DC songs in alphabetical order.
Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.
Bieber should go to the next Heat game wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of himself from the last game.
Just stepped off the scale. I'm starting to think Slim Jims aren't a diet food.
There's no way you can hate me as much as I already hate myself, so my last tweet was pretty much the perfect crime.
I don't mean to sound alarmist but EEEEEE-O, EEEEEE-O, EEEEEE-O, EEEEEE-O.
New research says endurance running may damage health. So, WHEW, I really dodged a bullet there.
I haven't seen any of the Fast and Furious movies but I once had to speed up to get through a yellow light so I get it.
And while I'm promoting things I like, check out Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous. Very funny and probably too smart for MTV.
Damn, this new @portugaltheman
song is killer: bit.ly/14VGllZ
Pavlov's cats rule, Pavlov's dogs drool.
"You got to know when to fold 'em. Know where to fold 'em. Know when to fold again, know when to stop." -Kenny Rogers, "The Origamist"
Let's focus on the important things. How can I use this growing IRS scandal to get out of my afternoon meeting?
COOL NFL TOUCHDOWN DANCE: Pull conch shell from sock, blow to summon Pegasus, fly to Heaven brandishing a flaming sword.
I'm at my best in a work environment when I'm holding the ball and running out the clock until a holiday weekend.
Kanye's SNL performance last night challenged everything I thought I knew about the size of neck holes in shirts.
My goal was to accomplish nothing today, which I succeeded to do, which means I didn't meet my goal and I'll have to try again tomorrow.
Amazing statistic. One out of every fifteen American adults is in Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros.
A new study from Carnegie Mellon says our digital devices are making us all dumber. LOLZ!
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT'S REALLY "NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY" PLEASE SAY YES.
Nice review of my latest Darth Vader comic book: bit.ly/17Clvw5
No man has ever loved a woman as much as I love air conditioning.
What's the one thing people love more than fast cars? Puppies. (unveils "Fast & Fur-ious 7" poster, accepts Gatorade bath)
Not too late to jump into the Darth Vader series I wrote for @DarkHorseComics
. Issue 2 of 5 out today: bit.ly/12AJaHB
If I'm ever in a coma, don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.