Due to breaking world news, my previously planned "MILF on a Shelf" tweet has been cancelled. Thank you for understanding.
Don't forget. If you like One Direction, you are required by law to put that in your Twitter bio.
Just a photo of Morgan Freeman, you say. Nope, look again. It's a drawing. pic.twitter.com/zlnB6qGjg6
You or someone you know may be suffering from Hobbit fatigue.
Guys, I've been really nailing it with my milk to cereal ratio lately. #blessed
Four revolutionary words to save American car manufacturers: "chocolate fountain comes standard."
Did Balloon Boy teach us nothing?
That awkward moment when your Amazon delivery drone just hovers there, waiting for a tip.
Hello darkness, my old friend. <confirms Facebook friend request>
Okay, it's December 1st. Time to throw away your #NaNoWriMo
WHO HASH AND WHO ROAST BEAST IS WHO!
I ate way too much the last couple of days. And the 12,000 or so days before that.
CREEPY LONER HOLIDAY PRO TIP: Microwave a hot dog and call it a Thankfurter.
Moving car, Thanksgiving table, same procedure. To quickly end an awkward conversation, tuck your arms and roll out the door.
A bread bowl for cereal made entirely out of Pop-Tarts. Get on that, Kellogg's.
Can anyone recommend a good tweet for me to read this weekend?
In case you missed it earlier, @AdviceToWriters
asked me some questions and I answered them here: bit.ly/Ig4tds
Just finished a 10K (ate 5 Krispy Kreme donuts).
Uber, except for hot air balloons.
I'm rubber, you're glue, we're both living a nightmarish existence as self-aware inanimate objects. Someone please kill us.
If I promise not to build nuclear weapons can I get my Obamacare sanctions reduced?
Guess it's time to switch out the jar of sun tea on the front porch for a jar of sun eggnog.
It's Miley's 21st birthday tomorrow so show a little respect and cool it with all the JFK crap.
I like that painting where a guy in a bowler hat photobombs an apple.
Oh, great. Charles Manson is settling down and starting another family.
Would your opinion of the knockout game change if you knew teens were only targeting people who call themselves foodies?
Well, it's official. I just made my phone call to Adam Levine, conceding defeat.
There's never a great time for an alien to burst out of your chest, but anytime before my 2:00 meeting wouldn't be horrible.
On the IMDb page of life, you'd find me in the cast credits as Man Staring Into Fridge.
The Vader story I wrote is now a hard cover book. You can throw it at people and it will hurt, which is pretty cool. amzn.to/17Ffdbg
Stop being so loud, morning people. Your goofy smiles are more than enough to mark your territory.
Nice try with the fall colors, trees. If you want me to look at you, you better start displaying Twitter updates.
Confession time: I have no idea how to put those little cartoony graphic things in a tweet. (also I killed a guy in '97)
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you're about to throw yourself at me.
Girl, are you a book recommended for ages 6-8 because I'm having a hard time reading you.
Is "Mayor of Toronto" an honorary title given to Canada's coolest person?
I feel like I'm gracefully transitioning into my creepy years.
Every time Obama said period he meant to say asterisk. They look similar on a teleprompter, so let's cut him some slack.
Hey, everyone who freaked out about yesterday's 11/12/13 date. Better sit down before you check out next December's calendar.
You could clean your room. RT @MileyCyrus
im always bored
Forced to use my mobile handheld supercomputer device like some kind of animal.
My internet is down. How in the world am I supposed to not get work done?
While the other person talks, lift your phone to your mouth and say "Siri, turn me invisible." Conversation over. Walk away.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by because I was staring down at my phone.
Being an adult means never having to show your work on a math problem. It's as awesome as it sounds, kids.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Gorgeous fall day here in Nebraska. Well worth the cost of one virgin to He Who Watches.
Maybe don't show me a picture if you don't want me to rate your baby.
Just cheated death by asking my two teenage daughters how their days went. What a rush.