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Tim Siedell
A lot of angry drinking in Glasgow right now and always.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A new survey says only 36 percent of Americans can name the three branches of government, so shame on you Education Branch!
Scotland should break away and join the Big Ten. I doubt they know how to play American football, so they should fit right in.
A new report says STDs are running rampant in areas controlled by ISIS, so you might want to consider other spring break destinations.
Phones are getting too big to carry around. Someone should invent special areas, like glass booths, where you can pay to use a public phone.
Little kids all over L.A. with cold lemon juice enema cleanse stands.
Heat index of 110. There are so many shirtless dudes in L.A. right now it's impossible to tell who's in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
It's hot in Los Angeles right now, but at least it's a shallow heat.
Nebraska. Come for the corn, stay because of the corn maze.
It takes a village to raise a child and to destroy Frankenstein's monster.
If your response to a doucheberg retail store is tweeting "what were they thinking?" with a link, that's exactly what they were thinking.
Your outrage is the marketing plan.
You should have seen the snacks at intermission. pic.twitter.com/4caKIzA7Ff
Put Roger Goodell, Ray Rice, and Adrian Peterson in an elevator. Last one standing wins nothing, but don't tell them that.
"The movie is about to start so please turn off your watches."
Let's begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Pretty lame for Obama to end his speech without giving us a free album in our iTunes library.
Just realized twitter is stupid.
A pocket flask, but filled with pudding.
"There has never been a sleeker, more beautiful phone to stuff inside an OtterBox case."
The watch that says "I'm carrying an expensive phone full of credit card info so start thinking now where you're going to dump my body."
At least this Apple Watch thing will make it easier to spot Amish people in a crowd.
The new Apple commercial should be a guy checking his iWatch then iPhone then iWatch then iPhone while standing in front of Grand Canyon.
An iWatch! At last, something other than a phone to look at while my life passes by unnoticed.
Does the iPhone 6 Plus not receive phone calls? Because that would be a big plus for me.
This will go down as the worst day in Ravens history, at least until video turns up of Ray Lewis murdering that guy.
Sprint killed the Framily campaign, which is understandable. Not understandable: WHY WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH THOSE BASTARDS DIE.
The new iPhone is so powerful, it gently asks you to put your spouse away at parties.
I hear the new iPhone is so powerful, the Stocks app can delete you.
I hope the new iPhone has a screen large enough for me to climb into and disappear forever.
Made it another week without knowing how to write a capital Q in cursive. I just might be home free.
This world war we're slipping into. World War III, or more of a reboot of the entire franchise?
Do you eat a lot of dinners really fast during these speed dating events? Because I think I can win that.
If Liam Neeson is so good at finding things why can't he find a movie script that doesn't involve him finding things?
Me, my older brother, and a guy named Wonderful Terrific. Only one of us came ready to ball. #tbt #Huskers pic.twitter.com/jSTqFOb8mV
Just now reviewing the names I took yesterday and it appears, in many cases, I kicked the wrong asses. My sincere apologies.
I wrote a thing and talk about it here. Also, I get called "undeniably nerdy" which is wack, yo: on.io9.com/JMYgvYt
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
"Shoot for the moon." - Grand Moff Tarkin
Now that summer is unofficially over, it's "weird adults getting way too excited for Halloween" season.
I remember when a hacker was someone who murdered people by chopping them into tiny pieces. A simpler, more innocent time.
If a bunch of photos are leaked where it looks like there's enough food for two but there's nobody else at the table, my phone was hacked.
It must be beautiful at Burning Man when they light that fire and it reflects off those 60,000 nose rings.
Let's simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
(Shaq wakes up, steps in front of the green screen in his bedroom, knocks out 20-30 commercials, begins his day.)
Mister Rogers looked right into our eyes and sang whenever he removed shoes tainted with crime-scene DNA. We never questioned it.
Snoopy isn't a dog. He's a WWI flying ace pretending to be a dog.
Burning Man question. If I can sit in my friend's stretched out earlobe hole, do I need my own ticket?