Iron Man 3 is even more fun if you pretend Ben Kingsley's character is a fed up Gandhi.
Only U2 can prevent unforgettable fires.
The only way I could hate this weather more is if a bunch of New York Yankees started falling from the sky.
Quick question. Can I just drop and roll? Or do I really have to stop? Because this is pretty exciting and I'd like to keep tweeting.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you'll ever eat.
My previous tweet is polarizing, yet I couldn't be more pleased with how it came out. It is my "Tree of Life."
Icelandic singer denied public office due to defamation, as reported by the Swedish Chef: "Björk Borked, Bork Bork Bork!"
The Internet turned 20 today. Which is 14,600 in Internet years.
"27 Hilarious Ways You Know Journalism Is Dead" - Journalism
Mad Men should end with a 78-year-old Don Draper jumping off a building after seeing his first dancing cowboy web banner ad.
The last Post-It note in a pack should be a preprinted reminder to pick up more Post-It notes.
Okay, Monday, let's do this. And by "this" I obviously mean "cry myself to sleep in the air ducts above the breakroom."
Well, time to make the nightmares.
In retrospect, I should have established a duck dynasty.
The Sombero. A more restrained sombrero you wear at solemn occasions, like funerals.
Instead of money, I give panhandlers a few stock tips. That's a trickle-down win-win for the economy.
Happy Arbor Day, everyone. Please drink responsibly.
Drinking a Bud Light Platinum is a great way to tell everyone in the club that you're easily manipulated by marketing.
Take it all with a grain of salt, nerds. There's no way to verify anything Bilbo Baggins wrote.
I thought this was funny. Because I'm 12 years old. instagram.com/p/YglvkxhME6/
People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.
For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.
Stop with this "marmalade" pretense. You're orange jelly.
Before yelling "do you know who I am?" at a cop, you should be certain you're famous enough for that cop to know who you are.
Are these "your tattoo is such a fail" tweets spam or is it no longer cool to have a tattoo of Roz from Frasier?
What if my cat is pulling an Undercover Boss on me? Maybe I should stop drinking so much around him.
Just woke up from a 36 hour nap. Did I miss anything?
Please don't take that thumbs down on Pandora personally, Portishead.
Thinking about reinventing myself as a toddler so I can seem advanced for my age.
A rating of 5/5 metal bikinis for my Vader comic? Wow, one is usually more than enough to excite me. bit.ly/17GcD72
Close only counts in horseshoes and CNN coverage.
Fast and Furious 7 is set for a 2014 release. When they get to 10, the producers get a free combo meal at Subway.
I awoke early to attack the day. It counter-attacked. We are now discussing our differences over coffee. Looks like I'll be late for work.
Hey, beneficial bacteria. Thanks for not being a-holes.
doesn't spoil the whole bunch! Pick up Tim Siedell's DARTH VADER AND THE 9TH ASSASSIN #1 tomorrow! darkhorse.com/Comics/22-256
Sometimes I write stuff that's not funny. Like this tweet. And STAR WARS: DARTH VADER AND THE NINTH ASSASSIN. In comic book stores tomorrow.
Adam Scott should get extra credit for putting with a branding iron. #Masters
Real talk. No way does Wonka's glass elevator pass inspection.
A candy necklace, except with Bundt cakes.
"Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack / I've no knowledge of vastly superior snacks"
Just pass a law saying you can't have nukes unless you pass a background check. North Korea problem solved.
We should all eat a giant holiday dinner in April or May just to keep turkeys guessing.
A fun thing to do at work is to step away from your desk and go to the rooftop and get into a hot air balloon and fly away forever.
As long as we're confessing, I think I was an Accidental Ace of Base-ist in the '90s.
I'm on a version of the Paleo Diet where I eat anything I want knowing that my fossilized remains will be plenty thin in 2.5 million years.
I know you're trying to be all hip and modern, Chipotle, but those silver, metallic-tasting tortillas are disgusting.
Know how to create an animated GIF? Can you make a list? Congratulations, here's a journalism degree.
Sure, I could choose joy today, but give me a minute to look over the rest of the menu.
Just stubbed my toe and, in one fleeting and pain-filled moment of clarity, everything about Björk made perfect sense.