My goal was to accomplish nothing today, which I succeeded to do, which means I didn't meet my goal and I'll have to try again tomorrow.
Amazing statistic. One out of every fifteen American adults is in Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros.
A new study from Carnegie Mellon says our digital devices are making us all dumber. LOLZ!
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT'S REALLY "NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY" PLEASE SAY YES.
Nice review of my latest Darth Vader comic book: bit.ly/17Clvw5
No man has ever loved a woman as much as I love air conditioning.
What's the one thing people love more than fast cars? Puppies. (unveils "Fast & Fur-ious 7" poster, accepts Gatorade bath)
Not too late to jump into the Darth Vader series I wrote for @DarkHorseComics
. Issue 2 of 5 out today: bit.ly/12AJaHB
If I'm ever in a coma, don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.
Just how ugly must these Daft Punk guys be? I mean, even Steve Buscemi gets to walk around without a helmet sometimes.
My newest million dollar idea involves crowdsourcing. So, who has a million dollar idea for me?
Serious tweet: creeping, inevitable death.
"And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened ..." bit.ly/14g18QU @badbanana
The next logical step is to have someone make a Life On Mars video while on a one-way mission to Mars. I nominate Coldplay.
Just achieved total enlightenment and, to be honest, it wasn't worth the extra effort. I give it three stars out of five.
Now that I'm at 666,666 followers, I can finally reveal my true identity and motive. I'm a mommyblogger here to sell you cookware.
Working remotely from home today because it's a million times easier to sleep when co-workers aren't around.
Happy birthday, Bono. I was hoping to give you a gift today but I still haven't found what I'm looking for (Snoopy tie).
like a bridge over horrific slaughter / I evade the clowns
Think how much more powerful the song would have been if it had been called "Bridge Over Razor-Toothed Circus Clowns."
Million dollar idea: Invest $995,000 in a bank CD.
The tiny umbrella in a cocktail makes no sense. A drink is already wet.
Take your stinking paws off my phone you damned dirty app.
The "draw this cartoon turtle" people should have made each drawing test slightly different. They'd have a free animated movie by now.
In retrospect, Jodi Arias and her team should have blamed the murder on an uprising caused by an inflammatory YouTube video.
My Iron Man 4 pitch: Tony Stark just goes around the world slapping those stupid Google glasses off everyone.
Don't forget to stick around after the credits to see which Great Gatsby character gets recruited into S.H.I.E.L.D.
Instead of cigarettes, carrot sticks! Just one of my many ideas on how to make Mad Men more kid-friendly.
I liked that part in Iron Man 3 where there was an explosion.
Iron Man 3 is even more fun if you pretend Ben Kingsley's character is a fed up Gandhi.
Only U2 can prevent unforgettable fires.
The only way I could hate this weather more is if a bunch of New York Yankees started falling from the sky.
Quick question. Can I just drop and roll? Or do I really have to stop? Because this is pretty exciting and I'd like to keep tweeting.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you'll ever eat.
My previous tweet is polarizing, yet I couldn't be more pleased with how it came out. It is my "Tree of Life."
Icelandic singer denied public office due to defamation, as reported by the Swedish Chef: "Björk Borked, Bork Bork Bork!"
The Internet turned 20 today. Which is 14,600 in Internet years.
"27 Hilarious Ways You Know Journalism Is Dead" - Journalism
Mad Men should end with a 78-year-old Don Draper jumping off a building after seeing his first dancing cowboy web banner ad.
The last Post-It note in a pack should be a preprinted reminder to pick up more Post-It notes.
Okay, Monday, let's do this. And by "this" I obviously mean "cry myself to sleep in the air ducts above the breakroom."
Well, time to make the nightmares.
In retrospect, I should have established a duck dynasty.
The Sombero. A more restrained sombrero you wear at solemn occasions, like funerals.
Instead of money, I give panhandlers a few stock tips. That's a trickle-down win-win for the economy.
Happy Arbor Day, everyone. Please drink responsibly.
Drinking a Bud Light Platinum is a great way to tell everyone in the club that you're easily manipulated by marketing.
Take it all with a grain of salt, nerds. There's no way to verify anything Bilbo Baggins wrote.
I thought this was funny. Because I'm 12 years old. instagram.com/p/YglvkxhME6/