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Tim Siedell
The Kansas City Royals are the surprise team of the summer, unless you also want to count ISIS.
“And I don’t know how it gets better than this / You take my handle and drag me head first / Fearless" - Taylor Swiffer
"The beautiful foyer, the beautiful foyer." - Marilyn Mansion
As the can instructed, I just shared a Diet Coke with my best friend and now my iPhone is wet and won't turn on anymore.
There's a typo in my previous tweet. I have punched myself in the front bottom, as per Twitter's Terms of Service.
The new phone book just arrived so It's your move, Internet.
Mixed feelings. Kony just did the Ice Bucket Challenge.
I'm a social drinker. In other words, I don't drink.
We did it, everyone! ALS has a great Klout score now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL IF YOU'RE DOING THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE OR IF YOU JUST COACHED YOUR TEAM TO A SUPER BOWL VICTORY?
I'm very excited to…announce? Don't think we've said it anywhere…that Dr. Mirage #1 PLUS features a bonus comic by @badbanana & @allenraul!
Retweeted by Tim Siedell
If every actor in Expendables 3 goes to see it this weekend, it'll be a massive hit.
I'd like to think nothing good ever comes of violence, but I was a kid once. I went to a party with a piñata. I know better.
Billion dollar idea: Pay-per-view knife fight between Wendy's commercial girl and Flo from Progressive.
The only thing better than a beautiful summer day outdoors is every single day indoors.
I sleep with an even bigger pillow under my pillow in case someone breaks into the house to start a pillow fight.
I guess we'll know ISIS militants have reached America when we start noticing them in the background of our selfies.
Please consider the environment before printing all these tweets.
Please don't call it a Supermoon. Anything that can be defeated by a cloud isn't so super.
I like how those Sprint Framily commercials just gloss over the fact that one lady and that hamster are doing it. Tasteful.
I'm not very good at basketball because I was raised by Timberwolves.
Bears are walking upright and the KC Royals are playoff contenders. Your investment in gold can't save you now.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
An hour into this Jack White documentary and I realize I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.
Part of my creative process is to suck for 40+ years.
NFL: Have Weird Al Yankovic headline the Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show. change.org/petitions/nfl-… via @Change
Retweeted by Tim Siedell
Give an Aquaman a fish and he'll be all "uh yeah, thanks, but I've got, like, a billion of these."
Scary: Wolf Spiders. Scarier: Spider Wolves.
A Dr. Honeydew in the streets but a Beaker in the sheets.
Vaping seems like something George Lucas invented for Star Wars but later edited out because it looked so stupid.
At least it's the Ebola virus that's making a comeback and not the Black Eyed Peas.
There's no such thing as bad publicity, so congratulations on the great week Ebola.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I'm looking for the thumbs-down button.
I have taken down the shirtless selfie that crashed Facebook. Apologies.
My phone has been at ten percent battery life for the last four hours. This is the new Hanukkah.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I've been on Twitter for seven years. If I've done my math right, that means I've read almost 30 tweets.
My career goal is to get suspended with pay.
@badbanana @JoshMankiewicz Please! I would never - never! - mock your motel choice. As you know, I never mock anything. #puzzled
Retweeted by Tim Siedell
Please make sure @JoshMankiewicz handles my murder. I don't need @dateline_keith sarcastically mocking my motel choice.
I have pre-written a scathing Expedia review of this motel. Whoever finds my body, please take my phone and press "post."
I'm staying in a motel that's so creepy, an amateur taxidermist at the front desk would actually warm the place up.
A video player app that, when operated with volume up in a public place, gives you a lethal injection.
The menu says "No Substitutions" so I guess I'm staying in this entire meal without a break.
So... who's the second most famous Jewish carpenter?
May your breadsticks be unlimited.
When a douchebag is an even bigger douche below the surface: Doucheberg.
I'll be signing Star Wars stuff in the DH booth, but feel free to bring the internet and I'll sign that too. #SDCC
Yo #SDCC, I'll be signing in the Dark Horse booth from 5:30-6:30 today. Please do not make eye contact with me.
We've all muted each other by now, right?