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Tim Siedell
I think Renee Zellweger looks great.
Just because a guy vomits profusely on a flight doesn't mean he has Ebola. The airline could be showing that latest Adam Sandler movie.
After Manning broke his record, Brett Favre threw his TV remote across the room in disgust. It was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.
Looked up from my phone for a few minutes. Wasn't worth it.
A professional wrestler/lawyer named Class Action.
The fact Subway couldn't replace Jared with someone good looking in the last decade tells me it was a one-time fluke thing.
The other kind of Amber Alert is triggered by giving a stripper an espresso.
Just to be clear. We should try to avoid breathing diarrhea for a while, right?
Honor Christopher Columbus today by getting half way to a goal and then calling it good.
Don't forget to dread Monday, everyone.
"Girl, are you my parole officer because I have to see you again next week."
"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill. Endless Shrimp is back, at Red Lobster."
Missed connection. You cut in front of me at Starbucks in May, 2009. I finally thought up a witty response.
Nobody has time for your three-sentence tweet.
A complete list of movie roles turned down by Nicolas Cage:
Horrible timing for the launch of my E-bolo online western necktie store.
Raise your hand if you're in class right now and the teacher just asked a question.
Rate yourself, app. Stop looking at me for your self worth.
Sorry, too busy living an autumnal lifestyle to spellcheck "gourd." Maybe look at some foliage instead of your phone for once.
Don't even pretend you like fall more than me. Are you wearing a ghord hat? Did you just eat a hay bale? Didn't think so.
Million dollar idea: batting gloves that don't need to be adjusted and tightened after every pitch.
Pumpkin beer is October's Christmas sweater.
The quarantine part of Ebola sounds pretty great.
When I said I wanted to make the world a better place I was really asking if there was an online petition I could sign.
Tuber. An Uber-like service, but with potatoes and yams. We'll figure out the details after the first round of funding.
Don't look now but the Royals have won five straight postseason games, dating back to 1985. Red hot.
People overlook Dracula's positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
It's National Poetry Day so maybe give a knowing nod to the guy or gal with an English degree currently waiting your table.
Ebola was all the talk at my feces-handling club.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.
Doctor just checked my muscles and mumbled something about "a trophy" so I must be doing something right.
"He died doing what he loved; taking a selfie while pretending to fall off a cliff."
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
Nice try, Clooney "wedding." I know a casino heist when I see one.
It's one of those beautiful days where you Instagram some clouds and get 50 likes and you know this is what life's all about.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to do what I normally do in these situations and crank the HUEY LEWIS tunes. #RoyalsClinch
The Royals just clinched another playoff berth. Every 29 years like clockwork.
It's in those quiet moments, usually late at night, when I most question my brand loyalties. I am a weak man.
Sure hope I haven't wasted my life being loyal to the wrong brand of toothpaste.
On the eve of conference play, a Nebraska fan (me) welcomes Rutgers and Maryland to the Big Ten:
I keep thinking Applebee's is going to wise up and stop calling appetizers "apps" but nope. One of us should say something.
Great moment for Jeter. Now he can relax and get ready to watch the Royals in the playoffs.
The best thing about the Jeter "My Way" Gatorade commercial is that he goes out at the end and loses to the Royals. #true
Whenever I'm feeling down I look at this poster and realize I have it pretty good.
Of course India's mission to Mars was inexpensive. The entire thing was outsourced to India.
Everyone is saying iOS 8.0.1 knocks out cell service. At last, the iPhone is perfect.
The 186th greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting us to pay orchards so we can pick our own apples.
I like that Lincoln commercial where Matthew McConaughey is driving a carload of souls to the banks of the River Styx.