If you run a giant inflatable gorilla lot do you have to put a car on top of the sales office to attract attention?
I do some of my best thinking sitting alone in a McDonald's ball pit.
About two hours into the Hobbit stand up and yell "Give me a break! They don't have dragons in Nebraska!"
I came in like a wrecking ball. Round.
My medical alert bracelet says "Please stop checking Facebook and resuscitate me."
Togas are like two steps below sweatpants already. It must have been impossible to tell when a Roman was depressed.
Domino's should start delivering cold pizza for breakfast.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let's ruin both at once.
"Santa Claus Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Sigmund Freud
Sorry about the typo in my Hobbit tweet. Please remove the "with" before you have it stitched onto a commemorative quilt.
I wish Alexander Payne would have filmed Nebraska in the spring so you guys could have seen some of our more vibrant gray colors.
If you don't want me staring, don't wear sweatpants with words on the backside and maybe close your shades once in a while.
Talk about Middle-earth stuff until someone gives you with a wedgie. The startled sound you make is your Hobbit name.
The entire ChapStick business model would collapse if you used their product more than twice before losing it.
removed the tweet. Good thing screen captures never forget. pic.twitter.com/AaK88oQwdi
Prank show where people come in to get their bad tattoos covered but end up with something hilariously worse. Offer to fix. Repeat.
joined Twitter earlier today. I assume he's already written 24,000 tweets by now.
Due to breaking world news, my previously planned "MILF on a Shelf" tweet has been cancelled. Thank you for understanding.
Don't forget. If you like One Direction, you are required by law to put that in your Twitter bio.
Just a photo of Morgan Freeman, you say. Nope, look again. It's a drawing. pic.twitter.com/zlnB6qGjg6
You or someone you know may be suffering from Hobbit fatigue.
Guys, I've been really nailing it with my milk to cereal ratio lately. #blessed
Four revolutionary words to save American car manufacturers: "chocolate fountain comes standard."
Did Balloon Boy teach us nothing?
That awkward moment when your Amazon delivery drone just hovers there, waiting for a tip.
Hello darkness, my old friend. <confirms Facebook friend request>
Okay, it's December 1st. Time to throw away your #NaNoWriMo
WHO HASH AND WHO ROAST BEAST IS WHO!
I ate way too much the last couple of days. And the 12,000 or so days before that.
CREEPY LONER HOLIDAY PRO TIP: Microwave a hot dog and call it a Thankfurter.
Moving car, Thanksgiving table, same procedure. To quickly end an awkward conversation, tuck your arms and roll out the door.
A bread bowl for cereal made entirely out of Pop-Tarts. Get on that, Kellogg's.
Can anyone recommend a good tweet for me to read this weekend?
In case you missed it earlier, @AdviceToWriters
asked me some questions and I answered them here: bit.ly/Ig4tds
Just finished a 10K (ate 5 Krispy Kreme donuts).
Uber, except for hot air balloons.
I'm rubber, you're glue, we're both living a nightmarish existence as self-aware inanimate objects. Someone please kill us.
If I promise not to build nuclear weapons can I get my Obamacare sanctions reduced?
Guess it's time to switch out the jar of sun tea on the front porch for a jar of sun eggnog.
It's Miley's 21st birthday tomorrow so show a little respect and cool it with all the JFK crap.
I like that painting where a guy in a bowler hat photobombs an apple.
Oh, great. Charles Manson is settling down and starting another family.
Would your opinion of the knockout game change if you knew teens were only targeting people who call themselves foodies?
Well, it's official. I just made my phone call to Adam Levine, conceding defeat.
There's never a great time for an alien to burst out of your chest, but anytime before my 2:00 meeting wouldn't be horrible.
On the IMDb page of life, you'd find me in the cast credits as Man Staring Into Fridge.
The Vader story I wrote is now a hard cover book. You can throw it at people and it will hurt, which is pretty cool. amzn.to/17Ffdbg