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Andy Richter
comedy jokes television 574,662 followers
In your face, people who believed in me.
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*pops out of cake* my knees hurt from crouching
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Just to keep things interesting I'm going to demand a deathbed bat mitzvah
Sign my petition to force Disney to stop gendering their characters. I don't want my homeschooled children asking me difficult questions.
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Is Sofia the First's dad with the Lannisters or the Starks?
Carrot Top's new Vegas show is a bit of a departure for him
Darn it! Always forget to do a full walk-around while I'm at the horse store, & this is what I find when I get home
One way to be funny is to assume the voice of a stupid asshole. On twitter, it results in many @'s accusing you of stupid assholism. #fun
I won the Martyr Olympics! Added codicil to my will; my remains are to be eaten so that I can finally be of use to somebody. Top that, Mom!
SHOW BIZ SECRETS® 85% of being "funny" is saying "I found that out the hard way!" a lot.
2 model planes in a vagina today or gtfo
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@AndyRichter No one in the mental health community uses 'insane' to describe mental illness. That term is better used for describing prices.
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In honor of Palindrome Week here is a 500-word palindrome from my first book, This Is A Book By Demetri Martin.
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Next time you start to tell someone what words they can use, just quit twitter. It's obviously too rough for you here.
Have a hunch they just saw a chance to try to exert control over the words of another person. THIS IS BAD! Un-fucking-American.
Would this scold have a prob calling a hot sauce "killer"? Or a song from the 90's "the bomb"? If not, does that mean they endorse murder?
Did the scold really think they meant "mental illness is an unimportant hoot," & not "it's crazy how much this costs"? Of course not.
Witnessed a twitter-scolding by someone claiming that calling something "insanely expensive" was "trivializing mental illness." W T F???
Me and some of the boys have been working on some tech that's going to make passing a camel thru a needle's eye a piece of cake
let your ears be bigger than your mouth
.@andylassner Has the Ellen show reached out to the airplane vagina lady yet? GMA's gonna book her if you don't
Can't blame that all on the captain, she doesn't appear to have a landing strip.
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