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Andy Richter
If you need evidence that human beings are dopes, consider this: we've spent the last couple thousand years feeling bad about jerking off
Knowing that that chef guy has been so successful is a great reason to buy that huge expensive SUV
Got a soup & salad for lunch. Crunched up a pkg of saltines & dumped them on the salad. #DURRRRR
. @AndyRichter It gets better. In the early 90s, Onan was bought out by none other than a company called "Cummins"
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I'll be joined by the very funny @AndyRichter on #LarryKingNow. Have any questions for #Conan's hilarious sidekick?
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You'd try to be quiet, too, if you generated electricity by jerking off
.@morgan_murphy had her first black-out drunk @ my Late Night going away party in 2000. She is 33 today, & is still a beautiful drunk ❤️❤️❤️
I farted, but it didn't smell like one of mine. Absolutely thrilling.
Guess who's residuals came to a screeching halt
Super cute, but I think killing puppies is usually wrong RT “@BBAnimals: It's a puppy piano 🎹 '”
protesting outside Taco Bell with blown-up photos of my thighs
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I actually did get a call from my wife, saying "Now the dishwasher's broken??!!?" She doesn't give a shit about all this gamer BS
.@ConsumersDigest *whispers* my dishwasher's not really broken
I play a LOLLIPOP in this new video from @GhostPanther! With Amy Poehler, @AndyRichter @SarahKSilverman & more! Here:
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Bought a really highly-rated dishwasher, and it's broken down. When will we have integrity in Home Appliance Journalism?
So great: David Bowie’s isolated vocal track for “Ziggy Stardust”
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The tag on my new wet suit reads "Do not dry clean or iron." If I wanted a bunch of RULES, I wouldn't SURF!!!
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Also, how about before "games journalism", we reform "journalism journalism"
Reform "games journalism"! Make it like movie reviews - completely unbiased & trustworthy & not mostly publicist horseshit. So important!
just saw wayne coyne or maybe it was a rude seagull
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Well, there goes that escape plan
FEMINISM: 1.melt down a bar of white chocolate 2.pour & cool in empty deodorant tube 3.take a bite while staring straight into a man's eyes
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You don't have to stop making fun of celebrities' looks, but you can maybe ask yourself why you do.
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HELL, YES. RT@bklynMF Do you love the Hawaii Five-0 theme song but wish Sammy Davis Jr added shitty lyrics? Here.…
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EEEEWWWWWW RT“@ThingsWork: This is what snake venom does to blood
NOT SURE HOW I MISSED THIS / Scrotal asymmetry in man and in ancient sculpture. Nature (1976)…
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I know everyone says it, but the department stores really do start all the Christmas stuff so early nowadays
I feel like "pinball wizard" over explains its premise
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At sold-out concert, crowd goes wild as band performs their big hit "Traveling Around Playing Music For People is Depressing And Unhealthy"
I never read the forewords of books because that wasn't part of the deal
You people are nice. I appreciate it very much.
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
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The men in Cialis ads are handsome, physically fit actor/models over the age of 50. In other words, most of them are gay.
"The Phallus You Want To Penetrate!"™ RT“@theretronaut: c. 1944-1947: The Chiquita Banana (
With all my love I share MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON, THREE. By @DFLEISCHERCAMP & also me. Enjoy&RT for happiness.
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SO EFFIN HOT! RT“@ThingsWork: This is how peanut butter jars get filled