absolutely no reason to be skeptical or suspicious of this
Florida Woman Goes to Ex’s House Looking For “Closure”, Finds Lighter Fluid, Sets Front Door on Fire Instead | nbcmiami.com/news/local/Wom…
Took my daughter to a petting zoo today. She had a great time right up until the pigs started fucking.
Christmas comes but once a year! So does March 8th. And August 16th. And February 3rd. And May 11th, 12th and 13th. And
That's episcopal school for you
Xmas music on radio, & 8yo daughter sang along - "go tell it on the mountain, that Jesus Christ is born" but she added "and slaughtered!"
Nostalgic for a time when I didn't long for the past.
You say I spoil my children; I say I'll prob be at "can't-wipe-own-ass" stage sooner than later, & no way I'd subject a stranger to that
Love @AndyRichter @ConanOBrien
even more for auctioning Andy's Chevy on @eBay
to benefit @ChildrensLA
My homemade kale chips are in mason jars next to my sprouts, honey from my hive, and homemade ginger ale. What I'm saying is I'm an asshole.
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Just saw Key and Peele at the airport! pic.twitter.com/5pXGGROXWH
Someone pretty cool must've been shitting here pic.twitter.com/3l2N9jDF6g
Ahh, I totally forgot about the Semi-Pro scene! Should prob delete, but then again, eh.
I don't know if Black people realize it, but being called a "jive turkey" really stings.
I would fire the guy that named them hand pies
RT if you'd drink a chocolate river despite the floating drowned German fat child
I'm so bad at taking othersies!
All this nice cool weather we've been having in California really keeps dog turds fresh
looking up from my phone before my kid notices I wasn't really watching his 'cool trick' is my cool trick
Great weekend to all my tweethearts.
"Germany very serious about hotdogs # 2# NOT A CALYPSO DRUM! WEARABLE HOTDOG VEST! pic.twitter.com/Mjh0blAJ1k
Pot critic applicants: Send cover letter/resume/writing examples to me (firstname.lastname@example.org). Deadline: 9 a.m. Monday Dec. 9.
Ask him what his whole deal is, plz
Interviewing actor @mradamscott
soon - what do you want to know?"
sir would you take off the hat for your mugshot. sir. SIR.
Fucker's name is Toby Taco
Hired a private detective to get a photo of the fucker that's been nailin my wife! pic.twitter.com/3z7fGvdM3i
ATT'N MEN: Don't you guys realize that your over-plucked, perfectly-shaped eyebrows are just begging to be splooged on?
Sometimes I think this might actually be what happiness feels like but I'm not very good at being happy so it's hard to know for sure
From the guy who follows me #yesreally #itsstuccoactually
RT"JohnnyH_63:from the guy who makes his living on camera #really #glasshouse
Can't wait till I'm famous enough to punish my fans with my hobbies
Remember when there were a few people who didn't want to be on camera? That was nice.
GOP on Mandela: "Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue."
she's got a real blah de vivre
the turtle you sold me is just a green PedEgg?
Rest in peace, amazing human. pic.twitter.com/IYwgOUVLek
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria is a fucking fantastic song
instead of a knight in shining armor can I just have a coward in a plaid shirt
btw, that last one was inspired by Benny Hill
The Buddha, evading police, disguised himself as a woman. The police, aroused, chased him w/ even greater fervor. Desire is our undoing.
If the point of those Malcolm McDowell/J E Jones commercials is to make you feel tired of being alive, then way to go, guys!
What's name of movie that is always playing in your TV dept? It's the one that sounds like Godzilla shitting out a bridge
I retweet your retweeted retweet!