Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Create your own wall, sign in free!
Andy Richter
If you need evidence that human beings are dopes, consider this: we've spent the last couple thousand years feeling bad about jerking off
Knowing that that chef guy has been so successful is a great reason to buy that huge expensive SUV
Got a soup & salad for lunch. Crunched up a pkg of saltines & dumped them on the salad. #DURRRRR
. @AndyRichter It gets better. In the early 90s, Onan was bought out by none other than a company called "Cummins" tractors.wikia.com/wiki/Onan
Retweeted by Andy Richter
I'll be joined by the very funny @AndyRichter on #LarryKingNow. Have any questions for #Conan's hilarious sidekick? pic.twitter.com/8qyCW4jeZr
Retweeted by Andy Richter
You'd try to be quiet, too, if you generated electricity by jerking off pic.twitter.com/MNZRKU8KRP
.@morgan_murphy had her first black-out drunk @ my Late Night going away party in 2000. She is 33 today, & is still a beautiful drunk ❤️❤️❤️
I farted, but it didn't smell like one of mine. Absolutely thrilling.
Guess who's residuals came to a screeching halt pic.twitter.com/V1sjZFiFzg
Super cute, but I think killing puppies is usually wrong RT “@BBAnimals: It's a puppy piano 🎹 'pic.twitter.com/dxFVrvJXRWW”
protesting outside Taco Bell with blown-up photos of my thighs
Retweeted by Andy Richter
🎃👻OOO-OOO-OOOH👹👹CHILDLESS ADULTS💀🎃👻CAN MAKE HALLOWEEN🔪👺😈🔪TEE-EEEEEE-EEE-DIOUS!!!!!!!💀🎃🎃👻
I actually did get a call from my wife, saying "Now the dishwasher's broken??!!?" She doesn't give a shit about all this gamer BS
.@ConsumersDigest *whispers* my dishwasher's not really broken
I play a LOLLIPOP in this new video from @GhostPanther! With Amy Poehler, @AndyRichter @SarahKSilverman & more! Here: ow.ly/DagXB
Retweeted by Andy Richter
Bought a really highly-rated dishwasher, and it's broken down. When will we have integrity in Home Appliance Journalism?
So great: David Bowie’s isolated vocal track for “Ziggy Stardust” buff.ly/1tLAeBd pic.twitter.com/Nd0ImOxFRX
Retweeted by Andy Richter
The tag on my new wet suit reads "Do not dry clean or iron." If I wanted a bunch of RULES, I wouldn't SURF!!!
Retweeted by Andy Richter
Also, how about before "games journalism", we reform "journalism journalism"
Reform "games journalism"! Make it like movie reviews - completely unbiased & trustworthy & not mostly publicist horseshit. So important!
just saw wayne coyne or maybe it was a rude seagull
Retweeted by Andy Richter
Well, there goes that escape plan
FEMINISM: 1.melt down a bar of white chocolate 2.pour & cool in empty deodorant tube 3.take a bite while staring straight into a man's eyes
Retweeted by Andy Richter
You don't have to stop making fun of celebrities' looks, but you can maybe ask yourself why you do.
Retweeted by Andy Richter
HELL, YES. RT@bklynMF Do you love the Hawaii Five-0 theme song but wish Sammy Davis Jr added shitty lyrics? Here. youtube.com/watch?v=BnCEVO…
Retweeted by Andy Richter
EEEEWWWWWW RT“@ThingsWork: This is what snake venom does to blood pic.twitter.com/dtvNe3rmGp
NOT SURE HOW I MISSED THIS / Scrotal asymmetry in man and in ancient sculpture. Nature (1976) improbable.com/ig/2002/scrota…
Retweeted by Andy Richter
I know everyone says it, but the department stores really do start all the Christmas stuff so early nowadays pic.twitter.com/NfwQBGu5e3
I feel like "pinball wizard" over explains its premise
Retweeted by Andy Richter
At sold-out concert, crowd goes wild as band performs their big hit "Traveling Around Playing Music For People is Depressing And Unhealthy"
I never read the forewords of books because that wasn't part of the deal
You people are nice. I appreciate it very much.
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
Retweeted by Andy Richter
The men in Cialis ads are handsome, physically fit actor/models over the age of 50. In other words, most of them are gay.
"The Phallus You Want To Penetrate!"™ RT“@theretronaut: c. 1944-1947: The Chiquita Banana (buff.ly/1wZLOWg) pic.twitter.com/J4KqljzALE
With all my love I share MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON, THREE. By @DFLEISCHERCAMP & also me. Enjoy&RT for happiness. youtu.be/QYZLy5uC5uc
Retweeted by Andy Richter
SO EFFIN HOT! RT“@ThingsWork: This is how peanut butter jars get filled pic.twitter.com/GBs8RTApNO