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Andy Richter
The mandatory U2 album and the Stocks app are for the same people.
Retweeted by Andy Richter
According to Miss America pageant if you say "just judging your commitment to fitness" you can stare at somebody's ass & tits all you want
It's just about his hobbies & volunteer work, as that was all that was left
Lead story on the local news was that it was hot out today.
With all the different causes out there, is this really the one to spend your energy on?
Perhaps some dreams shouldn't be caught
This sign is totally misleading & now I'm banned from stupid Bed Bath & Bullshit
Miss, we've told you before, burgerlingus will not be tolerated here at Fuddruckers
Good cop: just admit it, you killed him Splad cop: im not even a thing
Retweeted by Andy Richter
You say I stopped breaking into my neighbor's house to eat their food & use their toilet. I say I abdicated my regional leadership role
I find it really fucking creepy when people defend spanking. Why are you working so hard to justify HARMING CHILDREN?…
Retweeted by Andy Richter
"I beat my dog with a belt." "You monster!" "I beat my child with a belt." "Well you have to have discipline."
Retweeted by Andy Richter
OMG my boss has been ripping this dude off for years
Had the best dream. In it I was taking a nap.
Leave it to Seoul restaurants to offer "chicken asshole" to visitors who are in the country for the Drum Festival
Retweeted by Andy Richter
Doris was pretty steamed, but she finally had to admit that nobody can be "too lazy for jazz"
I have taught myself to play 2 notes on the slide guitar, so I'm now available to score any TV drama that's set in a rural location
Gonna get all my Christmas shopping done at the Halloween store today
Hadn't seen Cocoon in years; saw it on cable last night & it made me remember how gross it is to see old people enjoying themselves
With all the crazy scary stuff that's going on in the world I think it's important to remember that I am real good at sex and fucking
.@LouisPeitzman If there was ever a shot across your bow, this is it RT“@Gawker: Golden Girls episodes, ranked
What other color would it be? Just call your restaurant Lobster.
Retweeted by Andy Richter
.@theretronaut I was unaware that you are a female pop star, but this was on your profile
One of my fave twitterers, @theretronaut, has a new book out & you should buy it & #FF !…
Here's a taste of Tonight's CTP from @LargoLosAngeles w @AndyRichter Matt Damon and more @SiriusXMComedy 99 7pm est
Retweeted by Andy Richter
I'm getting a boil lanced RT“@yokoono: Think of all your movements in life as dance movements. Breathe. Watch. Listen. Touch.”
Luckily for me, my job intros me to great new music (new to me at least), like @SturgillSimpson from last night…
@TVsAndyDaly Be a legend and vote Boy George. You can follow this link or vote via Google +
Retweeted by Andy Richter
@AndyRichter Be a legend and vote Boy George. You can follow this link or vote via Google +
Retweeted by Andy Richter
Found $20 in a parking lot, so fuck all y'all!
Here's a video my wife produced (and photographed, and edited) about a remarkable family, fighting for their lives:
Retweeted by Andy Richter
The new U2 album should be called "Spam"
Previous tweet could apply to all news outlets. Enough. If someone needs to see it repeatedly, let them look it up online.