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Andy Richter
With all my love I share MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON, THREE. By @DFLEISCHERCAMP & also me. Enjoy&RT for happiness.
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SO EFFIN HOT! RT“@ThingsWork: This is how peanut butter jars get filled
If anybody should get to have a beef with how Hollywood depicts them, it's the people that run orphanages
"Poor kids who do everything right don’t do better than rich kids who do everything wrong"…
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I don't even know what the chant, "I am Darren Wilson" means besides "I'm excited about being racist." #Ferguson
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.@WaywardWaffles off a cliff into the ocean. My 9yo just said "wait, did they throw a cat off a cliff?"
Milo & Otis is the most irresponsible animal film ever made, and I have seen it at least 15 times
so the only way I can understand #gamergate is if i read a 10,000 word essay or watch a half-hour sermon on YouTube? no.
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Only time I practice racial profiling is when asked,"what movies do I know you from?" (every Hispanic person has seen Scary Movie 2)
Kinda neat that @FoxNews took a break for a "fact-dissemination exercise." They used to call that "the news"
I would never have any fan attack anyone on my behalf. Simply put if you are the type of person to do that I don't want you as a fan period.
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sex is like pizza, it's hard to have in a pool
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What doesn't kill me makes me breakfast occasionally
You wanna cup my balls, you better come ready, son
What idiot called it incest instead of pumpkin?
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I think of all the top 40 hits that were written for women's professional tennis teams, "Philadelphia Freedom" is my favorite
Came across some pics of our honeymoon
I know the period goes inside the quotation marks, you "fucknut."
Guy checking out of spa after his facial made 3 mentions of "just gonna go home now and watch my football". We get it, Mary
SEXT: I wear a napkin bib when eating ramen & idgaf
I got thrown out of church “@yokoono: Listen to ur breathing. Listen to ur child breathing. Listen to ur friend breathing. Keep listening.”
today marks the day that The Roseanne Show premiered on Tv-26 yrs ago-and it has been on the air every day for about 23 yrs-sometimes 5x!
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Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom
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My show Roast Rumble at the @CarolinesonBway going to better than the fucking the Notebook any fucking day
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Sometimes haters gonna make a valid point
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.@BAKKOOONN now that's a real Cute Emergency
Ever hear some1 whisper ur name but u think u prob just heard something that u didn't? That's ur friends & fam trying 2 wake u from ur coma
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Good morning, my beautiful online blossoms!
We must stop Pizza Hut from doing what it's doing to Koreans. 🙅
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Kid's watching some shitty Casper the Ghost movie & one of the supporting characters is this Blob-like thing.
"American Horror Story" should just be called "Something Stefon Said."
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I didn't have enough characters left on last tweet to add ", asshole"
Here's a feminist idea: Don't turn your kid into a prop that shows how cool you are & let her pick her own costume…
The Wi-Fi is very slow here not very rock 'n roll at all peace and love R😎✌️🌟💖
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Doing a video Christmas card this year of all my sex fails
@the_ironsheik I have one question..... Where can I get those Iron Sheik shoes? Size 12 in gold
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Yes, there's a question in the back? Oh I don't have a question. Six years ago I tried to give my friend a high 5 & he left me hanging.
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Yesterday I saw a cable news discussion of Ebola overreaction interrupted by a live shot of Nina Pham's ambulance waiting at a red light.
I think that bottle of schnapps I drank had Ebola in it