I just showed the exercise bike Craigslist and now it's behaving.
I'm staring at my exercise bike and it's staring back at me, laughing, knowing it can kick my ass.
Not if you're trying to be funny @billclinton
Congratulations on joining Twitter, Mr. President! Easier than skydiving!
When the Pope was told he was Time Magazine's Person of the Year he said, "That's great. Are they still in business?
Not in a movie this year but still crushed the nominations aren't pouring in.
Tonight they will finally put back the original scene where Von Trapp sucks the blood out of Maria. #soml
R.I.P. Nelson Mandela. Humanity at its absolute best.
Today I was paid in an unfunny Bitcoin.
I want to meet the people that buy The Clapper in March.
There was Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and now, what the fuck have I done Tuesday.
I think there's an Amazon drone over my house, that, or the NSA just dropped some toothpaste.
Cyber Monday is so exciting. Last night we left cookies and milk for Jeff Bezos.
It's on page 45. June 12, 2030. RT @RubinReport
: Can I get an exact date for the earthquake?
Wow. This is my book. RT @kevingiampa
: Browsing the Internet is now like reading an Albert Brooks novel: huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/01/pat…
Just punched an old lady at Walmart to get the last iPad. I love the holidays.
Today we give thanks that we don't live in the same city as most of the people sitting at the table.
Even though I don't eat animals I still went out and shot a huge piece of tofu.
If the upcoming Star Wars movie would sell iPhones and open on Black Friday it would create the longest line in the world.
Worry more when I do tweet @DavidBWriter
: It's been six days since @AlbertBrooks
tweeted. Don't laugh, but I'm starting to worry.
Justice Dept. settles with J.P. Morgan for 13 billion dollars. Or as J.P. Morgan calls it, Wednesday.
I know, but still. RT @StillersFanInFL
: These are both AFC teams though
It's so cool when you get to watch the Superbowl in November.
You know what's nice? No matter how badly my kids do in life I can always say, "You can still be Mayor of Toronto."
Planet of the Apes 2 RT @JesseIsTerrific
: Watching Albert Brooks' "Modern Romance." Will we ever see back hair in a studio film again?
"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well then who are you talkin' to?" Robert De Niro at 90.
I am. Great pick.RT @tcm
: What do you think of @simonhelberg
's pick MODERN ROMANCE ('81)? Are you an Albert Brooks fan?
My job here is done. @DillonCasey
: Albert Brooks depresses me
And yet you follow. See a doctor. RT @ConserveTruth13
:. Why is a straight up ugly, worn out, bag of shit like you throwing rocks?
I'm a 6 inside. @HBMitchell74
: But you're ugly inside AND out, and Christie can lose weight. You're just SOL. #StupidLibs
And Canada too.RT @RexLomax
: I watched This is 40 again. Isn't @AlbertBrooks
the most underated talent in America.
Breaking news: Elephants furious at Chris Christie reference on Time magazine.
My investment in Twitter was offset today by my huge position in trans fat.
According to the current share price this tweet is worth $104.
If you like your doctor, you can keep him. We just won't pay him.
I'll miss that kid in Blockbuster telling me everytime I went in, "We don't have any of your movies except for Nemo."
NFL players must stop bullying. It belittles the concussion.
Iran's Revolutionary Guard committed to "Death to America." Apparently too many t-shirts would go to waste.
I deleted the last joke as it did not meet my standards for free entertainment.
Tonight I'm going as a has-been. On second thought I think I'll get a costume.
Good news bad news. He had a nervous breakdown trying to register for a health plan.
It was covered.
My Halloween costume won't be ready so I'm going as the health care site.
I hate to use Twitter to resolve personal issues but the guy who came to fix the hot water heater was an ass hole.
R.I.P. Lou Reed. Finally walking on the wild side.
thx man RT @charley_koontz
: . improv scene in Looking For Comedy In The Muslim World is faaaaantastic. So amazing.
The NSA is getting very sloppy. I actually heard someone hang up on the other end.
Actually it was neither. Mr. Carlton had locked himself in the freezer.
It was a cold, dark winter afternoon. RT @adamvoorhees
: write your next book one tweet at a time...
Haven't been tweeting for a while. Realized when I use my keyboard I need to actually make a living.
For sale: Great seats to the Dodgers World Series.
It has been tweeted to me that The Onion did that last joke. Okay. I came up with the name onion 30 years ago.