It was very emotional seeing David Beckham retire. One day I will have to watch a soccer game.
Am not allowed to RT compliments, but thx!RT @RandyShulman
: God, I so love you. (And your book was wonderful.)
God spoke to me today but only gave me one Powerball number.
When I was young I dreamed of a way to communicate meaningless shit for free. Thanks Twitter.
I dreamt I died and went to heaven and God didn't know any of the Kardashians.
I think my cell phone is tapped. The Justice Department just sent me an email suggesting a cheaper plan.
Damn it. I just lost a $20 bet. RT @HowardStern
: I'm declaring here, once and for all: I've never tasted my semen!
I.R.S. targeting people. Phones being hacked. I miss Nixon.
O.J. to seek new robbery trial. Hey O.J. hate to tell you but you're not in jail for robbery.
I think I'm being targeted by the IRS. Did anyone else have to pay taxes?
Maxim did not make my list of the 100 sexiest magazines.
Today's lesson: If you stab someone 30 times you're most likely going to be found guilty.
So sad that F. Scott Fitzgerald died so young. One can only imagine the sequels he would have written.
jes hd lesik sirgry. vry hapy.
: Would love to sit down with @AlbertBrooks
to discuss 2030. Don't think fiction book has ever kept me this engaged.
Dear God: The hairs that come out of your nose as you get older serve no purpose and is plain mean. Thank you.
I watched the Kentucky Derby with a horse, which makes it much more exciting.
I just found out Iron Man is not a true story. Bummer.
Men with Terrorista #1 license plates arrested. Gee, I now think my Tax Cheat #4 plates are a bad idea.
Last night was wonderful RT@mikehunt50
: Wife thinks I'm having sex with everyone I follow Following @AlbertBrooks
to mess with her
Breaking News: Iran and Syria are color blind. Red lines will not be effective.
Congress changed FAA law in a day when they were affected. Maybe they should have more real world problems.
Some days you feel so good you want to just scream. Today isn't one of them.
Manti Te'o drafted by The Chargers. Finally, a good phone call.
And yet, you follow me. See a doctor. RT @MathewSHarrison
: after all these years-you still are not funny.
To those that love to insult whenever the tweets contain politics, guns or religion, don't bother. I say much worse things to myself.
HIstoric day today. Never thought I would see Bush and Library in the same sentence.
Worried I might have bird flu. Only saying this because I'm tweeting from a tree.
A Korean spell checked it RT@peoplefoodstore
: my god your book is great! Nothing to do with Korea, but wanted you to know.
Somehow my world is empty without the daily threats from North Korea.
For those that didn't get my 'Richie' reference, this is from 41 years ago. ow.ly/kkb5h
R.I.P. Richie Havens. Richie Richie Richie.
Who has the concession stands for Denver Pot Day?
I'm honored.RT @AlexGalbate
: Just started reading 2030 at the age of 23- one of the most important books I've read
Pinned down. Does he come out live or dead?
My father was born there. RT @liveurbestlife3
: Just curious Albert, do you have any connection to Boston?
Watching one 19yr old bringing an entire city to its knees is absolutely surreal.
And this is from my agent! RT @marknau1
:You are an idiot. Also, you haven't been funny in years.
Breaking news: Famous psychic communicates with James Madison. They did not mean assault weapons!
NRA to now devote attention to first amendment. Trying to make it okay to yell fire in a crowded theater.
So never do anything ever? RT @KevinSiekierski
:Mentally ill Adam Lanza did not buy his guns, he stole them. Now what?
Senate rejects gun background checks. Mentally ill people rejoice.
As tragic as the events are that create them, these news frenzies make you absolutely crazy.
Gold plunged today. Rappers teeth lose millions.
Justin Bieber said he hoped Anne Frank would have been a fan. I really want to kill myself.
Hello it's North Korea?
Hi, it's China.
Cut it the fuck out.
That is so sweet.RT @EddieMarsAttack
: Albert Brooks is a great director and actor, but he's not that funny on Twitter.
That is so sweet. RT @LeaSavoy
timeline just made me pee myself.
A clothing store.RT @hmcomm
: And what's he looking at with those binoculars all the time anyway?