Before we go to Syria to arm the rebels should we at least find out who they are?
Supreme Court rules DNA not patentable. God violently disagrees.
The Pope has disclosed evidence of a gay lobby. I hate to tell him but it's on every floor.
As long as genitalia gets laughs there will always be war.
Can you imagine if swear words didn't get laughs? We would have no comedy.
Google's new slogan: Do just a tiny bit of evil.
When you export democracy you leave less of it here.
The last tweet was automatically deleted by the N.S.A. No threat, just deemed not that funny.
Today Chinese President Xi Jinping said to Obama, "Wow, I thought we had this tapping thing down."
Dear N.S.A.-I only googled "bomb" because I wanted to see what time After Earth was playing.
Hey, Putin is back on Christianmingle.
I've been telling anyone who listens, TMobile spies for half the cost.
Mel and I both think you're an idiot.RT @sparkycollier
thinking it was @MelBrooks
wondering why he wasn't funnier.
Supreme Court says cops can take your DNA. You're not only arrested, they tell you if you're going to get alzheimer's.
Albert-I loved your book so much. Everyone who thinks they know the future should read this. Keep it up.
歡迎來到俱樂部 RT @SteveMartinToGo
: People just don’t seem to understxeykdm mxe.
Just sold my followers to a Chinese comedian.
Terrorists are so lazy they're using minute ricen.
Just found out that mermaid show was a hoax. That means the one I dated lied to me.
Who gave Kickstarter the money?
Am I the only one gaining weight from binge viewing?
I could be creating something memorable, that will last through the ages, or this.
Love your tattoo. RT@JuddApatow
:If twitter can't fix spam issue gonna go back to reading fucking newspaper. I mean it!
Don't normally celebrate holidays but tomorrow we're going to barbecue a mattress.
The little bit of conversation the local news anchors have before they sign off is my version of hell.
Really? I lost 5lbs.RT @SteveMartinToGo
: Dear followers, don't click on tweets to me that claim I invented a diet. It's malicious spam.
I don't care that much about golf but that Sergio guy seems like an a-hole.
First Flickr now Tumblr. Yahoo should spent at least one billion on an e.
It was very emotional seeing David Beckham retire. One day I will have to watch a soccer game.
Am not allowed to RT compliments, but thx!RT @RandyShulman
: God, I so love you. (And your book was wonderful.)
God spoke to me today but only gave me one Powerball number.
When I was young I dreamed of a way to communicate meaningless shit for free. Thanks Twitter.
I dreamt I died and went to heaven and God didn't know any of the Kardashians.
I think my cell phone is tapped. The Justice Department just sent me an email suggesting a cheaper plan.
Damn it. I just lost a $20 bet. RT @HowardStern
: I'm declaring here, once and for all: I've never tasted my semen!
I.R.S. targeting people. Phones being hacked. I miss Nixon.
O.J. to seek new robbery trial. Hey O.J. hate to tell you but you're not in jail for robbery.
I think I'm being targeted by the IRS. Did anyone else have to pay taxes?
Maxim did not make my list of the 100 sexiest magazines.
Today's lesson: If you stab someone 30 times you're most likely going to be found guilty.
So sad that F. Scott Fitzgerald died so young. One can only imagine the sequels he would have written.
jes hd lesik sirgry. vry hapy.
: Would love to sit down with @AlbertBrooks
to discuss 2030. Don't think fiction book has ever kept me this engaged.
Dear God: The hairs that come out of your nose as you get older serve no purpose and is plain mean. Thank you.
I watched the Kentucky Derby with a horse, which makes it much more exciting.
I just found out Iron Man is not a true story. Bummer.
Men with Terrorista #1 license plates arrested. Gee, I now think my Tax Cheat #4 plates are a bad idea.
Last night was wonderful RT@mikehunt50
: Wife thinks I'm having sex with everyone I follow Following @AlbertBrooks
to mess with her