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Alan Felyk
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Just wondering about the reason that ships are referred to as females. Is it because the captain is expected to go down on her?
One question about the afterlife: Is there going to be a lot of stairs?
All this darkness and cold makes me want to hunt wild cattle, slay them and eat it all by a raging fire in the woods. Basically insane.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Don't you just hate it when someone expects you to have a plan? on.fb.me/1xKRaFM
A fiction writer never has to ask “can I quote you on that?” #amwriting
This tweet would sound far more soothing if Morgan Freeman read it aloud. #TBTTweet
Let’s reveal the winners . . . Whenever I hear that phrase, I always hope it’s a wet T-shirt contest. #TBTTweet
I don’t lie… unless it’s to children
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The fact that I just spent 2 minutes looking for keys that were in my hand tells u all u need to know about me...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I bought my daughter a new shoe rack, so naturally, all her shoes are still in the floor beside it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Someone told me my tweets have become “trashy.” Thanks for the upgrade. Can you do the same for the U.S. credit rating? #TBTTweet
There was a heated political debate at dinner tonight and I was like, Should I add some mistletoe to my header for the holidays or no?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*Throws drink in bartenders face.* WHY DIDN'T YOU CARD ME?!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Paul Tomenko doesn't need or want a temptress in his life. But sometimes you have to open the front door. on.fb.me/1uL8qMb
The voices in my head finally agree on something. Now if I could just get them to tell me what it is.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Whole Turkey- $24 Peanut oil- $11 Turkey Fryer- $59 Spending Thanksgiving with firemen and insurance adjusters- Priceless
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The closest to sex I'm getting this year is going to the mall and sitting on Santa's lap, telling him what I want and getting arrested.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Want proof of global warming? How about the fact that the northern polar ice cap has slid south to Buffalo?
STD is also an abbreviation for standard. So it works on two levels when you describe the women you date.
.@TheTealWarrior I'm going to try for a full-out guffaw on the next one. @nettykin
Why are the walking canes always at the BACK of store? If old people could walk that far, they wouldn’t need the damn thing.
.@web_supergirl Keep flying and never grow up. It's a good plan.
.@web_supergirl You're one of the young sweethearts on Twitter. No worries for you.
.@web_supergirl Maybe once a month. But that might require a periodic clean-out of the left ventricle.
.@web_supergirl Yes, indeed. A bacon weave with eggs and peppers. I'm sure my doctor would approve.
.@web_supergirl Mmmm ... I'm calling this a baco.
The purpose of any writing group should be to meet, drink, and plot the takeover of the literate world. But mostly to drink. #amwriting
I always worry the only thing I’ll find at my age in the floral section is a face plant.
I’d like an in-depth conversation with you. You stand in this pre-dug grave and hand me the shovel, would you?
Wearing a push up bra is like going into battle with blanks.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Blank stare, in the middle of your timeline.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Bring blood to a boil, then freeze.” —The recipe for death in the vacuum of deep space.
.@Jack_Herererer Thanks for the trophy. Viva la DMB. @FavstarOfTheDay
.@BeaBonobo Wait for the next communique. Trust no one.