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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,142 followers
Sometimes I wish I were British. Then I remember warm beer and lousy food and I'm like "Meh. French."
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I have decided...I'm not jaded enough for twitter yet. But I'm staying!
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I’m reading this #recipe for #disaster. I don’t think I have thyme for this.
Please don't fuck with me, I just bought a stun gun and I'm dying to try it out.
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Desperately Seeking Susan or Someone Akin to Susan or an Android Version of Susan or Zombified Susan or Goth Susan or Androgynous Susan or
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The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
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Evolution of the Twitter relationships: Star RT DM KiK Text Call Skype Tweet up Murder Get worn as a skin suit Any questions?
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People that leave the pool and come back 15 min later you're not foolin this former pot head
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No, need to thank me for the #retweet, sweet lady. Your avi with your #boobs hanging out is all I need at my age.
Boston’s “More Than A Feeling” would have been a sadder #song if he had seen his Mary Jane walkin' away. Your first love, weeded out …
I’m still trying to figure out why the #dolphins made Hootie cry. —Why I avoid #SeaWorld
#SingaporeSlingSaturday Salute: @Sandy_PDA is a great follower. Maybe she'll help you while she takes a break from helping @JacksonArthurUS.
My wife was about to leave me because she caught me wearing her clothes. "I can change!" I shouted as she slammed the front door.
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Is there anything more uncomfortable than watching Commander Riker flirt?
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Of course I have a six pack. There’s an entire fucking case of #beer in the pantry.
Having another piece of bread made from wheat flour? You’re a #gluten for punishment.
Adam, the original 'world's most interesting man'.
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Billy Joel could write an entire sequel to “We Didn’t Start the Fire” from just this evening’s #newscast.
I bet you would have followed back if I had offered you $100, right? #Whore. And that’s all I have to say about that.
It’s out of character for me to use #Symbol font.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror. In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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Lol this guy on the train is trying to stare me down but he doesn't realize I've been dealing with the male gaze my entire life
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1. Say My Name 2. Bitch 3. Who Will Save Your Soul 4. Loser 5. U Can't Touch This 6. My Heart Will Go On [Break up CD in the '90s]
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Fact: Strippers who want to work in Canada have to show naked photos of themselves at the border as proof. Seems reasonable.
If it takes government medicine 2 hours to execute someone, how long does it take to cure them? #VA