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Alan Felyk
To the stooge who glued the reversible cat scratchers so they can’t be flipped without tearing the box. May someone epoxy your asshole.
What if Marshawn Lynch really knows the meaning of life? "I'm just here so I don't get fined." Shit, now we'll never know. #SuperBowlXLIX
The chemical dopamine contributes heavily to Internet addiction. Kudos to the person who aptly named the substance.
"Nice tattoo. What's the number mean?" Me: It's my follower count on Twitter "You know that changes right?" Tattoos don't change stupid
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Good writers will capitalize on these rules: bit.ly/1D1qL9g #amwriting
.@ecmooreauthor I just bought my copy. Good luck, Elizabeth.
Hey everybody, I just published my first short story on Amazon and its only $.99 at ow.ly/HYUUK pic.twitter.com/7urY4mlTyl
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Here’s the best thing about enemies: They never betray you.
*weighs down remnants of hopes and dreams with concrete blocks and tosses them into the lake*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My Twitter crush … you, know Miss, uh, uh, uh … Anyway, she’s mad at me for no reason.
Paper money can carry live flu viruses for more than 2 weeks. Deposit that cash directly into my account—I’ll take care of the problem.
Thoughts about how to define success as a writer: bit.ly/15DgrcW #amwriting
Tom Brady has had his balls questioned more times in a week than Barack Obama has in 6+ years. #DeflateGate
Sex so bad she demands her virginity back.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I choose my friends based on their getaway cars
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"Has anybody ever suffered a career-ending injury in the Pro Bowl?" --Fun things to type into the Google search box #ProBowl
I just caught myself watching part of the two-hour pregame show for the Pro Bowl. The PRO BOWL. I need to check into a 12-step program.
The #blizzardof2015 is coming so please stay safe inside, unless you're a TV reporter whose job is to stand in the snow like a dumbass.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When you @ me with nothing but a link, that’s like asking me to stick my dick through a restroom wall hole. Ain’t gonna happen.
The people who call My name on Sunday morning aren't as fun the people who call My name on Saturday night.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If a no-fly list really worked, we could eliminate mosquito bites, no?
Five facts about Winnie the Pooh’s author: bit.ly/1BOuRV6 #amwriting
Everyone has a purpose. Even if it’s only to provide the millions of dust mites in our beds with dead skin to eat.
In case webmasters give a shit, 889 loading photos on a news web site bounces stories as they load. And that makes me not give a shit. “X”
Your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screenshot, sent to friends and ridiculed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Thanks, but I only do things that are not good for me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Researchers: Straight-A students have a higher risk of being bipolar. It also means they can spell “psychosis.”
I used to have superpowers but my psychiatrist took them away.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Why use the word "my" when describing your fav team? You're not on the roster. You're just a fatass eating popcorn and drinking beer at home
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Retweet this and you can commit the sin of your choice.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I hate it when you think someone is intelligent and then they use the wrong form of "there" and you have to divorce them.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It’s a mistake to believe these things are mistakes: bit.ly/1Jbk46o. #amwriting
Bob Harrison scored all his team’s 139 points in a 1941 junior high school basketball tilt. So shut up about Carmelo Anthony’s ballhogging.
One year on Your Anus equals 84 Earth years. Oh wait … did I spell everything right on the Solar System quiz?
If you didn’t have a plan for life, you better hope that you’re pretty
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The cat just meowed at me. I yelled "fuck off!" "Control Your Temper in 10 Easy Steps" by Gordon Ramsay was obviously a total waste of cash
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Even though I read every post I make on Twitter every day, I still don’t know the real me.
Oh, you fell in love on Twitter ? hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*pours cold water on your fucking warm fuzzy feelings*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The flogometer for Heidi … Will you turn to the next page in her book? bit.ly/1xUsVCM (Send your own submission.) #amwriting