Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Grow your social media. Join free!
Twiends helps you to connect with new people on Twitter. Sign in for free!
Want To Grow Your Twitter?
Welcome to Twiends. We help you to grow your audience online. We are a vibrant community of Twitter users, and we are waiting to connect with you..!
Sign in for free! Not right now
Alan Felyk
You’re the best-looking woman to tell me to fuck off today, but then you’re the ONLY woman I tried offending today.
I do not mean to be looking up your dress miss. I lost my grandmothers ring and that looks like the same box I left it in.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Not sure why we're encouraged to eat an apple a day. Ever since Adam and Eve did that we've all been fucked.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
SWF, age 32, looking for long walks on the beach, fun, attention, passwords, credit cards, a place for my 46 cats to live and your soul.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Trophying someone without a RT is the new, I’ll have sex with you but not chance being seen in public with you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
He's only a vegetarian because it's easier to kill and eat stuff that can't run away.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The party doesn't stop until they let the police dog loose.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Can you help me regret this?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Denmark moving closer to being cashless country.” Based on the burgeoning U.S. national debt, I figured America would get there first.
Absolutely one of the most helpful Internet resources for writers: bit.ly/1FQoySi #amwriting
“When you asked whether I could take out the trash, I said 'yes.' It didn’t mean that I would.” —What husbands say
I’m here for the fun. Wherever the fuck it went.
.@mrjoewalker I'm good, too. Working on a new novel right now, Damaged Beyond All Recognition: bit.ly/1dbarfb
Twitter should be more like baseball. We should have a waiver wire for followers who aren’t performing.
Hey, it’s going to need a title, right? bit.ly/1QnUX5D #amwriting
I bought a book on eBay called "How to scam on eBay" That was 2 months ago, and the fucking thing hasn’t arrived yet.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I had four legs, I’d be running sideways at you right now.
We are now entering the season of the boob sweat.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I hate when someone asks me if I'm crabby. "Well, I wasn't until you asked me if I was."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Selfie-stick (n.): modern interpretation of a 10 foot pole.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If it wasn't for the drinking, Mom and I wouldn't have anything in common.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just changed my password and renamed my cat "z_5R2b=sF$"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I have THE idea that will save McDonald's but can't tell anyone b/c they'll find out what it is and use it and I won't get a dime. Fuckers
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“All I want is good sucking and a hose.” —What I told the woman at Walmart that I needed from a vacuum cleaner.
I have accepted that I can't make everybody happy, but am consoled by knowing I can piss everybody off.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
adopt me. I promise I won't pee the bed unless you want me to.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just can resist a dumb idea.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Study: Life has been linked to cancer. Fortunately, it’s not a permanent condition.
According to my bullshitometer it should already be Friday.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Why are conjugal visits not called guilty pleasures?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I joined Twitter because unsolicited advice from strangers is always way better than unsolicited advice from family.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@ViviVelvette A peck on the cheek will do nicely.
I treat colleagues the way I would my own family, I avoid them as much as possible.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How many of us are suffering from nodus tollens? I bet a lot of us are: bzfd.it/1zuK1ia #amwriting
Don't mourn for this old author when he's gone. Just share something I've written with someone ... #amwriting bit.ly/1dbarfb
Based on a survey, women want better communication skills from men. Why didn’t they just tell us that in the first place? #TBTTweet
I’m not a fan of exotic pets unless they dance on poles. #TBTTweet
sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Crime doesn’t pay unless you figure in the cost of room and board. #TBTTweet
Don’t be a writer bereft of these words: bit.ly/1cfv89F #amwriting
.@ozgirl747 Hmmm ... what did you have in mind?
I push a lot of liquid when I get sick. But then I pee a lot even when I feel good.
“I wasn’t able to find you on GoFuckMe.” “NO. I said GoFundMe.” “Is there a difference?”
.@KrissiBex More likely an emoji with its tongue sticking out.