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The body of Christ got stuck to the roof of my mouth
. Why do you assholes robocall me five or six times a day? From different phone numbers, too. Been going on for weeks. ENOUGH.
Got a direct message addressed to “the man who never disappoints.” It wasn’t from one of my old girlfriends. #TBTTweet
I hate when he's on a plane or in a hooker and can't text me back.
Going into the grocery store with only 20 bucks to spend.
Haven't had a challenge like this in a while.
I bought and named a star after you. Look to the East and you can catch a glimpse of Dumb Mothafukka
No one got screwed more on naming day than male ladybugs and cockroaches
Power's out. Charging my phone in the car like our forefathers did.
After the Rapture, I expect to have a far better house with no mortgage payment. #TBTTweet
That was recorded in someone's "log" book. twitter.com/RTFFacts/statu…
You better encrust this conversation in a layer of golden fried breadcrumbs before I start taking any interest in it.
I could actually hear your words being misspelled while you were talking to me
Hey baby are you a software update? Because not now
There is no "i" in "team" but there's an "i" in "Tim" and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so there you go
1129+ Places That Pay For Your Writing: bit.ly/1MeXbnA #amwriting
The pocket on my T-shirt was designed to capture my cookie crumbs and keep them hidden from good-looking women who stare at me.
Another one butts the bus
Another one butts the bus
Another comes on and another comes on
Another one butts the bus bit.ly/1TRJpcK
To remove a red wine stain from your carpet, simply set your house on fire.
My favorite thing to look at when I go sightseeing is my phone.
If I run a search of your tweets using minus the word “fuck,” no results come up.
I can tell by your avi that you're the cock-blocking purse holder for your friends at the bar
drunk sleazy guy: Can I buy you and your friend a drink?
me: That's my dog and what the fuck are you doing in my kitchen?
I know they say not to put all your eggs in one basket, but no one ever said anything about not putting all your cupcakes in one mouth.
Does anybody know if I've recently received a major blow to my head?
Quick! Someone's asking.
I’m inches away from firing everyone with absolutely no authority to do so 😂
If you're thinking what I'm thinking...
You need professional help.
I keep trying to get into better spirits,
But I can't get the bottle open.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY!?!
-Listening is hard
Research shows that smart people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.
The lesson from Tip #10? Keep enough vodka in the bottle for the next morning to clean up your own vomit: bit.ly/1Vjol0o
The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today - he was a good boy, yes he was.
I wonder if the people who have to take a DMV driving test get graded on a curve. There's a nasty one on I-70 near Floyd Hill.
Fiction … Isn’t writing hard enough without having to make up shit as you go along? #amwriting
Working on decorating my new condo. Can’t decide whether to go with Early Fraternity or Man Cave Provincial.
I’m searching for the most intelligent tweet that contains the word “fuck.” Post your entries here.
Always buy more booze than you think you'll need because it's better to be safe than sober.
Where's the "ice pick in the eye" emoji when you need it?
This is what happens when our Saturday morning cartoon characters all decide to run for president.
How to flirt: Tell your crush you want to skin them and wear their flesh like a suit
I bedazzled you guys some shirts this weekend.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino...
H: ...and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
If you don't want to have Snickers and beer, you shouldn't ask me to make dinner.
I just tried to put my plate in the washing machine. In case you're looking for a life coach.
Steven Wright once said “I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.” That’s describes what I did, too: amzn.to/1OcNdkU #amwriting
If by foreplay, you mean giving me a pillow and blanket and letting me sleep, then yes, I like foreplay.
When I break up with a guy, I’m never really vengeful, angry or bitter about it
Yet when an athlete leaves my team, I hope they rot in hell
You're as predictable as the drunk texts from my ex.