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Alan Felyk
1,600 people die from taking the stairs each year. Only 27 people die from elevators. *Presses third-floor button*
My son said he felt like a man trapped in a woman's body... Until I gave birth to him.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I especially agree with Rule 5: #amwriting
What are the odds that same glass is placed in the same dishwasher slot three times in a row? —Something that a bachelor wonders about
Researchers discovered that some “whore” penguins offer sex in exchange for pebbles. Well, get your rocks off.
“The chances of smelling smoke while you sleep is almost nil.” —What the ex-spouses of arsonists should know.
The most difficult thing about being a lady must be holding farts.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My family crest is just an image of a train wreck.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
We were laughing about cows with no tongues. She said they would have to do sign language and I screamed THEY HAVE HOOVES!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Dear @TheTweetOfGod: I’ve started receiving a slew of LAMINATED junk mail postcards recently. The final sign that the apocalypse is nigh?
Too bad dildos aren’t advertised on mainstream TV. Would be a great opportunity to introduce the song Good Vibrations to a new generation.
Study: Having too few or too many friends can cause depression and stress. I’m bummed out that they can’t give you a specific number.
Who the fuck gets a piece of cat litter in their eye? This girl, that's who. Don't even ask.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm writing a book called Cereal and Buttplugs. It's about the conversations I have in DM.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm sorry I ate your chocolate and I'm sorry that I always lie about being sorry
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you can make a difference in the life of one person, it should probably be you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You know it's a good day when you get the shopping cart without the shitty wheels.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Hey, a Wilde and crazy guy (along with some others): #amwriting
Being on Cops does not qualify you for a listing in the Internet Movie Database. #TBTTweet
All followers aren’t appreciated. Take for example the sheriff’s car that is behind me. #TBTTweet
When I throw a joke up against the wall and it slowly slides down . . . Does that mean it’s going to be enough for you guys? #TBTTweet
My Son's kindergarten teacher said my son lacks focus, so I started laughing really hard and said, "Did you catch Conan last night?"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I learned from my father that jumping to conclusions is a bad idea. Especially if it might not be high enough to get the job done.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You have reached the limit of judging allowed per person per day. To unlock more judging, please load more self-loathing and insecurity.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If your favorite eye color is bloodshot, I'm your girl.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Male comic: "Female comics only joke about periods." Me: "You're right, I have an entire set about punctuation."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Want to manufacture some evidence, baby?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
ABSOLUTELY the hardest thing for a writer to do: #amwriting
At least with the Mayan calendar in play, we had the end of the world to look forward to.
I’m not following you because I like you. I’m following you so you can’t get behind me.
I’m guessing the difference between eccentric and just crazy is about $10 million.
One hour left! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #Kindle #Book #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
Ending tonight! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #Kindle #Book #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
Sorry I missed your call but I was busy doing the jack off motion at my phone
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
13 Vital Reminders For Writers: #amwriting
.@Michellellelly Meet me at a Denver area Del Taco--I'll buy.
.@web_supergirl That's what I'm talking about!
Average college student spends $900 per year on alcohol. The exceptional student figures out how to add that amount to his/her student loan.
Time is short! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #EBooks #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
I can make you regret following me in 3 tweets or less.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Kids your age used to hunt and kill their own food, so if you can't figure out how to work the vending machine, you don't deserve to eat.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I want that job where I stand around with three other dudes and look down a manhole.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The bus is a great place to meet people that would probably like to wear your skin
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I always hope my dates cancel because watching old reruns of 21 Jump Street and eating SpaghettiOs out of the can is my plan B
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Does this dust on my treadmill make me look fat?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Clock is running! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #EBooks #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir