Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Don't put yourself down. That's what your family is for.
Rosetta Stone, but for language of women
When I type the name of the best sex partner I ever had to create a Pandora station, I get music from the group Uncle Bob Touched Me.
Maybe I did record last nights game without the express written consent of the NFL and maybe I didnt
*peeks out window*
Some days I wake up feeling like a million bucks... Today, I feel more like a food stamp.
Oh, sure, you THINK you love heavy metal. Until you find it in your drinking water.
I'm sorry I sent you that selfie.
Can we go back to you thinking I look like George Clooney?
So, wait we don't tweet naked then?
I thought this was a safe place ..
I get it ladies. I hate getting a slice of limp pizza.
Eat, drink, and be all despairy.
I never know why I do the things I do. *Searches for Last Call with Carson Daly on the cable listings*
Buy a plunger before you need a plunger.
I'm pretty sure I had sex last night, but it might have just been a panic attack.
I hate it when my husband accuses me of not caring about whatever the fuck he was talking about.
Someone star'd all my pics and none of my stupid jokes.
Yes, even the pic of the WWII tank with cats as drivers.
I get it now, ladies.
Why isn't there a "Make a Dish Foundation" for old horny guys?
We've all got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another Margarita.
I can't believe it's been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.
You know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Ah-ha! So you're the one!
To the couple all giggly and in love in this line, I hate you
Watching the game with that annoying person that screams "OMG watch this!" after every fucking play
I would clean my house, but really, what's the point?
We all die.
At the bar with a woman who has NPR voice, may fall asleep or start a pledge drive.
I have outsourced the task of stalking you. If you want to know the specific hours of operation, press "1" to speak with Rajesh.
if you love something set it free. except Shamu.. we all love Shamu but he must be imprisoned forever
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
: I just increased my bid on eBay to $3.05, my Christmas shopping is almost done.
I'm fed up with her complaining, her moaning, and the aggressive comments.
I'm starting to think she's not worth the ransom.
Fight or flight. When it comes right down to it, those are the only two options on Twitter.
Perspective: My Dad was raised in a one-room home with dirt floors and I just bitched about my $300 phone not loading Favstar.
I want to throat-stab your enthusiasm.
The only time you want to be self-centered is when the cop asks you to stand on the line and touch your nose.
*adds Doormat to resume.
Make coworkers uncomfortable by telling them you've fantasized about performing an autopsy on them.
I don't like taking the highway, so I have to take two buses and a cab to get to the danger zone.
It's amazing how fast I can shop or drive when my phone battery is at 3%.
Question everything? What the hell? Do I look like somebody's wife?
I'm at my most blonde when trying to figure out who actually retweeted me & not retweeted a retweet.
I may be dumb enough to make mistakes, but I'm definitely too smart to talk about them the next day.
If we could go back to the point in human evolution when it was acceptable to bite & fling poo, we wouldn't need psychiatrists or HR Depts.
Sorry I hacked into your e-cigarette and made it taste like cat ass.
My doctor is the only female who ever asks me if I want to take it the ass.
He wasn't sick enough to hold my interest.
I'm mean, but not introduce the Gingerbread man to Cookie Monster at a party mean.
Judging from the Black Friday videos taken at Walmarts throughout the land, World Cup soccer fans know a sale when they see it.
The Redskins could keep their name if they just made their logo a potato.
My self esteem is so low even my imaginary boyfriend doesn't want to see me naked.
Today seems like a perfect day to super glue a quarter to the sidewalk near a bus stop.
My hamster is on her wheel at the same time I'm on my exercise bike
The irony is not lost on me