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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 128,918 followers
You know those assholes who speak really loudly in public so that everyone can hear them? Yeah, I totally do that.
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Thanks for coming over. Now tell me- is this a hemorrhoid or an anal wart...?
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If honesty were the best policy, we wouldn't be buying theft insurance.
Just playing 'Yes, no, maybe' with all of your Avi's... As you were
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It's all unfair and ugly till it starts working in your favor.
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Dave's not here! - Late Show catchphrase after Letterman leaves.
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As much as I love my coffee, it makes me sad that it's probably the hottest thing I'll have inside me today.
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Gin is nature's way of saying, "I'm sorry."
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The only time I wash the glass coffee carafe is when it becomes so dark I can't tell if it's full.
It's ironic that I ran out of toilet paper and now I'm using Taco Bell napkins.
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One-night stands, because anything longer would just give someone a motive.
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"Let's take this up a notch." - me, to my belt.
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Every bag of Doritos is family size when you're single and childless.
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The ONLY thing funny about your Twitter account is that you blocked me.
This burger is making my chair feel smaller.
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H & R Block wouldn't let me write off my liquor store bill as a work expense.
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Y'know when someone farts, what you are actually inhaling is microscopic shit particles. ALRIGHT KIDS! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
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Can we just agree that the party game where you're blindfolded and have to identify things by feeling is the biggest trust exercise ever?
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Reading my book, grooving to Iris DeMent. 11 people coming for dinner in an hour and I don't even care. Panic will soon set in.
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It's so uncanny that when I mention something on Facebook, Amazon sends me a promo e-mail for the very same thing.
If you keep showing up in my interactions I'll be forced to kill you
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Kindness just happens to be the least efficient way to kill someone.
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It doesn't really bother me when people shit on me. I'm undeturd.
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At my age sexy is just a 4 letter word that can get me at least 14 points in a game of scrabble.
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We're playing that game where I speak Czech and my friend translates in broken German-English and our server fawns all over us. It's awesome
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