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Alan Felyk
Here’s a book list that will be tough to crack: bit.ly/1G3zkA8 #amwriting
Does Obamacare cover the #WalkingDead? Or are they just more deadbeats who can’t pay their own way?
No thanks Ouija boards, I don't even like talking to the living.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Try not to worry about things you can’t control, which is pretty much everything.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The number of porn pages on the Internet is 18 times larger than it was in 1998. So many pages, so little time to jerk off.
If I were the only person on Earth, I would represent the norm. Think about what your existence is costing me.
I don't need to be an astronaut, I stare into space everyday.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
In Tennessee, they’ve whittled down the plot possibilities to 20: bit.ly/1G22Czo #amwriting
Police using Facebook and Twitter for suspect photos. Changing mine. Obama is going to surprised when they come looking for me. #TBTTweet
I’m not saying boo about boobies. I don’t want to scare them away. #TBTTweet
I have my daily priorities. Alphabetized so that I can easily find and cross off the ones I’m not going to do. #TBTTweet
You look familiar, have I ignored you before?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don’t pretend to understand this, but perhaps it will help the writers who will: bit.ly/1yJ2NC2 #amwriting
I wanted to start the next knee-jerk Twitter controversy over freedom and rights. But I tore my ACL-U.
Twitter is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*Wears an "Ask me about my daddy issues" t-shirt and bright red lipstick to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Whats the tv show with the dead-eyed people shuffling around aimlessly, wishing they had brains? Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Thats it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Life's too short to fight over the little things. Fight over the big things, like his ego.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I wish Russia would finally putin the effort to become a respectable nation but they just keep stalin.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*shakes vending machine to get chips that are stuck *3 bags of chips fall down *adds hunter-gatherer to resume
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It’s pretty rude to look into my eyes after I went through all the trouble of finding that perfect push-up bra.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Friend: Now THAT guy looks like trouble Me: *slips him my number*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Someone told me to act my age, so I played dead.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Me: Can you bring me a burrito Him: you want me to come over? Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@amandafoy_est It's all those pizza coupons I offer for following.
Companies who hide their customer support telephone numbers on their websites can lick my ass. Not once, but at least twice.
There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I think prison sentences should be based on how long it takes one convict to build a full-size Egyptian pyramid.
Adding the words 'bare chocolate ass' after everything my boss says to me today is very therapeutic.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The "I Should've Killed You When I Had the Chance" section at Hallmark is surprisingly small.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I keep you around in case I need a stale joke format.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
<---is annoyed that not one Toto toilet ever plays "Africa" while being flushed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I was going to publish a bombshell report on the hoover dam losing water but it was leaked to the media.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
An example of how some readers will interpret your plot: bit.ly/1JULdfO #amwriting
There’s a whole different Game of Thrones that can be played in the bathroom section of Home Depot.
The people who know about preventive maintenance are the ones who block me before I can follow them.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How different would the story have been if the apes in 2001: A Space Odyssey had found a Twitter server instead of monolith?
I have two kids with seven different women.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
4/21... National Surprise Drug Test Day.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The biggest challenge of working from home is hiding the sound or your urine stream when you take conference calls while on the toilet.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Why the hell would twitter allow people that don't follow you to DM you? I refuse to DM back people that DO follow me
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*needs help from above* *hires a rooftop sniper*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"Righty Tighty-Lefty Loosy" - When it's time for a new bra.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sorry I sounded like Ozzy Osbourne on your voice mail, but I had a mouthful of Doritos.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My kids asked me to take them to see the new Paul Blart movie in case you're wondering about how badly I've failed as a parent.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk