Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Want to get more twitter followers? Click here to watch our video.
 
Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,115 followers
Got a note from the Social Security Administration to review my account. #Bastards! You’ve let it already run dry, haven’t you?
My superpower is drinkin 4 btls of wine and driving a golf cart through my neighbors yard without hitting the cat So I've been told.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @Ideal_Victoria. She will make you laugh, and that'll warm your burrito.
If prayers really worked, I'd have a real life pet Yoshi by now.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I always buy stocks based on advice from people who look like they have been on a drinking binge for several days. It’s science. #CNBC
Damn it, Jerry, if you don't keep that boom mic out of the shot... #WorseMoonLandingQuotes @midnight
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You love is like a minimum wage job.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Baby whales can bulk up 200 pounds in a day.” —One fact not to recite while your wife is eating #pizza.
We're all gonna die. -Expirational tweet
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I think it's cute there is a social site for those who can't read... Instagram
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“To the left… to the left. To the left-right-left” -Women, trying to decide where the couch should go.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
So despondent today that my husband asked if my boyfriend dumped me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Pro Tip: Never refer to your followers as “the body count I have accumulated on #Twitter.”
Sometimes a reanimated corpse is your best chance at love.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*thinks to self* No good can possibly come from this *does it anyway*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Is a porn headquarters called a box office?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Ironic that I'm listening to a required course on slips, trips, and falls whilst standing on a wobbly desk putting up a bulletin board
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Don’t worry... With a little effort and persistence, you too can burn in hell.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I can’t find any #constellations in the sky. I don’t understand. I guess I just can’t connect the dots on how people do that.
I just ran across a list of U.S Presidents during the 1700s on the #Internet. It was posted in 2010. I wonder if it’s still current.
If by ‘extreme sports’ you mean running after the ice cream truck in stilettos, then hell yeah I’m into extreme sports!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm not hungover , I always look like shit on Sundays.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“I love the smell of #urine in the morning.” —Robert Duvall, if Apocalypse Now had been filmed in a New York back alley. Probably.
I have no idea what I'm doing 100% of the time.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
@AlanFelyk: And that's no lie.” Lie or lay? Gramer is my worse subject. ; )
Retweeted by Alan Felyk