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Alan Felyk
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Seriously, did anybody expect my book to beat out Girls Don't Poop today? pic.twitter.com/FjyNPDKnOt
ME: "Kisses him on both cheeks goodbye" CASHIER: "That's really not necessary"
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My book hasn’t sold well in Russia. I don’t know why. I’m just Putin that fact out there. amzn.to/16uDc32 #amwriting
Damaged Right Out Of The Box is free today on Amazon #Kindle. amzn.to/1drootb #Humor #Essays #Memoirs #BookGiveaway #FreeEBook
At restaurants, I take giant handfuls of mints while maintaining full eye contact with the hostess because I have something wrong with me
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Why does the cashier hand you register coupons for the stuff you just bought? Hey, doing it BEFOREHAND would be more helpful.
Ministers are horny too. -my mother. I need to quit tweeting these things.
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Just found a twenty dollar bill and thought, "What would Jesus do?" ...so I turned it into wine by buying some at the liquor store.
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Damaged Right Out Of The Box, my personal experiences book, is free today and tomorrow on Amazon #Kindle. #BookGiveaway #Humor #Memoirs
Damaged Right Out Of The Box is on Amazon's Top 100 Free Humor/Essays list. It's free today and tomorrow on #Kindle. amzn.to/1drootb
Damaged Right Out Of The Box is #3 on Amazon's Top Free Humor/Essays list. It's free today and tomorrow on #Kindle. amzn.to/1drootb
I'm too broke to hire a skywriter. I'll just message you until your phone explodes.
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I’m not going to comment on your smoking-hot selfie. Instead, I’m waiting for you to publicly admit that you lust for me. *Sets stopwatch*
Declines high school reunion invites because I can be judged in pj pants in the comfort of my own home thanks to the magic of Facebook.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My book Damaged Right Out Of The Box is free today and tomorrow on Amazon Kindle. #FreeEBook #Kindle #Humor #Memoirs
It's not a subtweet when I use your name in it, asshat.
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I've decided I'm going to follow everyone on here because I'm not some stuck up garden tool.
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Anyone can put a smile on your face but it takes someone truly special to make you want to kill yourself.
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Debt doesn't buy happiness either.
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Instead of focusing on your differences, think about the things all people have in common. Like the tendency to focus on their differences.
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Damaged Right Out Of The Box is #6 on Amazon's Top 100 Free Humor/Essays bestsellers list. It’s free today, tomorrow. amzn.to/1drootb
Facebook ad: “Dan Fogelberg now reduced.” C’mon, how much further? He’s dead for Godsakes.
*You walk in on me taking a selfie* Me: I'm so sorry you had to see that.
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My inner voice sounds a lot like Wilfred Brimley telling me to put down the cookies.
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Don't hate me because I'm smart, rich & pretty. Hate me because I can eat an entire box of chocolates and not gain a pound. Sucks to be you.
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Is it just me or are commercial breaks becoming longer than a Lord of the Rings movie?
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It's actually the voices outside my head that bother me the most.
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Ever eaten so much beef jerky that your jaw locks up? - me, five minutes ago
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I find it ironic that I was just followed by a dildo manufacturer ... It's like they know me That is all - carry on
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Why do historical research for a novel? Here's why I do it: on.fb.me/1ARwZHe #amwriting
No, I didn’t say you look distinguished. I said you look extinguished.
.@topaz006 Yup, he made the CIA Senate Report on Torture look like child's play.
Tree is up.... Which one of my dogs will pee on it first??
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I all see on Twitter is followers. Where the hell are the leaders? It’s like looking for Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
My teen son won't answer the phone and texts from his dad He's a little embarassed over the vibrator i sent his step mom from him.
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When my kid cries loudly in public, I act the same way I do when I set off someone's car alarm. I shrug my shoulders & say, "It's not mine."
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Deep throat a hot dog in your selfies for that perfect touch of subtlety.
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One of the best things about Texas... EVERY DAY IS TACO TUESDAY
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Guest towels? No, I have “guessed” towels. I find them at the bottom of the closet and guess whether they’re clean.
I bet that you taste much better than your avi...
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Readers should notice your humility in your writing. If not, make sure you point it out to them. #amwriting
Apparently for Bill Cosby, every kiss did not begin with ‘Kay.
Piece of chedder bay biscuit in my bra. Save it for later.
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Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot. Santa Claus. Sex. And other things I used to believe existed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk