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Alan Felyk
Relationship status: pulling pussy hair out of my teeth. Not the fun kind.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The lowest possible credit score is 280. Apparently you get that much for breathing.
If prisoners were able to take their own mug shots, would they be called cellfies?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'll be at your pity party, but only if you're serving some really tasty hors d'oeuvres.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
There's a time and place for everything.... I say ...Anytime Anyplace ....PLEASE!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It’s not hard to be prettiest person in Walmart
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I forgot my phone on the saw table and had to entertain myself while pooping by drawing dicks on the stall wall like a fucking caveman.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@OlympiaPapaG You have definite talent. Good things will happen if you stay with it.
Fact: Marilyn Monroe had a higher IQ than Albert Einstein. She had bigger tits, too. But THAT you knew.
I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just implying it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Even you can overcome your predisposition to idiocy.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sorry I made fun of your erectile disfunction, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Study: Men spend more money when they are not in a relationship. Is that because a woman isn’t around to spend it first?
Write as if no one is watching. bit.ly/1CQLRWh #amwriting
I’m going to give up for Lent.
It's supposed to snow today, but I'm not buying it. Snow is free.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'll be honest I really don't know how much of the shit I say is true
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you can resist melted cheese, then we can't be friends.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“I’m not going to argue with you” - Me, moments before starting an argument
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@StellaBraintree Yeah, I actually have seen most of nominated movies. So it's always interesting to see if the Academy agrees with me.
The male antechinus has so much frenetic sex that its body falls apart and it dies. Whoa, buddy—it’s booty, not Boot Hill.
I'm on page 1,234,699,129 of reading this Twitter book. What page are you on?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Ironically, extra virgin olive oil makes excellent lube.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Guys, you don’t HAVE to date that crazy psycho bitch… but if you want to, call me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"Whoa, look at Mom! She got herself into a pair of tights!" ~ Another reason why my kids are assholes.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My all time favorite cooking show is Breaking Bad.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My friend @StellaBraintree talks about the Oscars in the Hollywood Journal: actors tinyurl.com/ooxtrpl actresses tinyurl.com/qg943tv
China has 64 million vacant homes. So take heart, Detroit.
How literary agents can drive you up the wall. bit.ly/1AIfq17 #amwriting
To me, Lent sounds like a time for borrowing. And remember, you can make a lot of money at your garage sale selling someone else’s items.
Him: Describe yourself in two words. Me: Umm nope.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It’s legal to marry a dead person in France. At least you’d expect the fake orgasms going in.
Women speak about 7,000 words a day while men average 2,000. Well, if that doesn’t say it all.
I want to write a book that housewives use as a wine glass coaster on their nightstand.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Gummy bears are just bears with shitty dental insurance.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"Keep it down in there kids! Mommy's trying to get some work done!" *Resumes watching video about how to open a bottle of wine with a pen."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
To avoid social interaction, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Its official, the person who invented auto correct is a total funking ask wipe.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don’t know why Volkswagen would name its car Golf after a sport that’s slow, expensive and the hardest part is driving.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
People say author Philip K. Dick was paranoid at the time of his death. Maybe he just knew too much: slate.me/1zMR4fD #amwriting
Ancient Romans used to wash their clothes in urine. Of course, the piss poor suffered as always.
Always ask the Verizon representative whether the 1 GB data plan is adequate to download every video of day at Pornhub. #DontGetAmbushed