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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,155 followers
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @DrDweezil ...Rock on, dude. Rock on.
  9h
When people ask who my #carrier is, I tell them it’s Typhoid Mary.
  9h
A bee landed in my lap while I was driving. Luckily I kept my cool. I'm a little dizzy and skinned up from rolling on the pavement though.
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Chipotle cashier told me to have a burritoful day and now everything is tacotastic in my world.
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I thought about putting a camera on my dog’s head, but who wants to watch him lick his balls all day? Yes, I KNOW you do, Dave.
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If Manhattan were being purchased today from Native Americans, #WallStreet would offer them the #anal variety of beads.
“Remember when you took your girlfriend to a sit-down #restaurant? Tell me what that was like.” —Guys who can’t get a second #date
I'm not bipolar, I'm just really nice for only 60 seconds at a time.
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World War I began 100 years ago today. When it will end, nobody knows.
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Don't ever ask me to borrow my curling iron again if you're gonna keep giving it back covered in lube, Mee Maw.
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Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
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Sooner or later, the #zombies in #Mexico are going to figure out the U.S. border is open. #TheWalkingDead
bar guy last night asked where i've been all his life. i said i have boyfriend. i think if he paid the tab i would have answered differently
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Shouldn't there be a rule that you can't start a new global crisis on even-numbered days? news.yahoo.com/n-korea-threat…
New rule for RTing: It must make you blow #alcohol through your nose while you simultaneously soil your #underpants.
“We’re selling our #furniture for the lowest prices ever.” Hey, even cheaper than I could have bought it in 1965 when you first opened?
I will push a kid down for the last pop tart. Know this.
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Women who buy expensive lip stains must have never heard of wine.
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Sometimes I wish I were British. Then I remember warm beer and lousy food and I'm like "Meh. French."
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I have decided...I'm not jaded enough for twitter yet. But I'm staying!
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I’m reading this #recipe for #disaster. I don’t think I have thyme for this.
Please don't fuck with me, I just bought a stun gun and I'm dying to try it out.
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Desperately Seeking Susan or Someone Akin to Susan or an Android Version of Susan or Zombified Susan or Goth Susan or Androgynous Susan or
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The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
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