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Alan Felyk
Just 2% of Church of Sweden members regularly attend Sunday service. The Tampa Bay Rays want to know how they get that many into the seats.
8h
This child has no idea how good she has it. No one has EVER given me a gummy bear for peeing on the potty.
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I found 400 people who don't follow me by using IDGAF.com
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.@ViviVelvette They don't call me Butterball for nothing.
But by all means, you have a twitter persona to uphold.
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Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying,"Shh, not another word," is super romantic but cops don't seem to think so.
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I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.
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My life coach advised me to run out the clock.
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.@ViviVelvette I want a good stuffing.
I just gave out the last of my Halloween candy so that's out of the way. I'll start baking a turkey tomorrow.
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Boob-based careers are perky only in the beginning.
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.@ArtIsMyPorn I'm not sure what the equivalent of a typo would be for an audio book. Maybe stuttering?
If you find two typos in the first paragraph of a book, will you finish reading it? #amwriting
Don’t threaten me by saying that you’ll leave. I know how to drink alone.
Even if you get Aretha Franklin to sing it for you, no—you’re not getting any R-E-S-P-E-C-T from me. And I really respect her, too.
Some motivational quotes are so retarded it's not even funny. Like 'Anything is Possible'. Try licking your elbow you idiot.
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When future archaeologists dig up Walmart stores, the bones could change the belief that Neanderthals didn’t survived into the 21st Century.
I pronounce "guacamole" like "whack-a-mole" just to annoy you.
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I proposed to my wife as I was being handcuffed and tazed.
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It's okay, Brett Favre. You still hold the record for Most Unsolicited Dick Pics.
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I love that feeling you get when you find a twenty in your brother's wallet.
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You’re more likely to make $1M with a lottery ticket than with your novel. Is that going to make you quit writing? Of course not. #amwriting
Unique DNA scans would be the perfect replacement for computer passwords. Except in hillbilly country.
NASCAR is just like Florida, going around the world to the left while never using a blinker
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Daddy issues aren't real. I was a stripper and never even met the guy.
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You can't do 10 funny tweets then throw out an inspirational tweet. It fucks with people. It's also in the Bible that you can't do that.
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Naming your dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you have to yell their name while searching for them around your neighborhood.
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I worry that, through the miracle of science, I will live into the 2070s, having been pushed around in a cart for the preceding 50 years.
Not bragging, but it's been a few days since the toothpaste fell off my toothbrush before I could get it to my mouth.
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No, I don't want to think outside the box, inside the box, next to box, below the box or anywhere near the box. I'll think wherever I want.
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I wanna be the one you look at the most, you touch the most, the one that's always next to you. In other words, I wanna be your phone.
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Some things just resonate in my head. *Listens to long ear drum solo*
No one knows where Ebola came from, but I'm betting it came from e-HARM-many.
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The only superpower that all superheroes share is that none of them go to toilet, ever. Because no way, in the spandex.
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I find most of you unpleasant.
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People who refuse to stay put: Puppies, toddlers, and Americans under Ebola quarantine.
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If watching the big screen TV with your pants off and eating a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at Best Buy.
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Just used the phrase "dilly dally", so now I'm looking into retirement homes.
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Wish the hair on my head grew as fast as the hair on my armpits and vagina. WTF?
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.@ColleensDragon I love your thinking on this. I'm going add that to the list.
I tried to base a character in my book on you, but Satan is so overused in literature. #amwriting
When I die, I want a meet-and-greet with God with a surf-and-turf buffet. Shouldn’t be too much to ask considering what he put me through.
If you’re listed Twitter’s Who To Follow, you apparently haven’t reached your daily quota for jag-off followers. That’s where I come in.
The bottled beer smashing on the tile floor made me forget the Haiku I was going to post. Fuck.
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I turned lots of heads at the bar last night. It was probably the mint wrappers in my hair and toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Whatever.
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It requires the hides of 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough pigskins each year. Pigskins? Commissioner Goodell caught in another lie.
.@AanelVictoria I hope not. I get far more joy from someone telling me they loved reading my book than the $2 I may have gotten from them.