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Changed my Facebook relationship status to "widowed." And now we wait.
[waits for call]
[waits for call]
[waits for call]
[goes outside, forgets phone]
The highest tribute that a reader can pay an author is to take the time to read his/her book. #amwriting
Being valedictorian of your homeschool class only counts if your family was larger than the Duggars.
How the hell does anyone shop at BJ’s and keep from laughing? Serious question.
So, what are you up to tonight?
White-out. For large portions of my life.
Make sure you poke my tweets with a stick first before you fav or retweet them.
Cats are more than likely than dogs to eat their dead owners. You might want to leave some extra food out if you’re feeling chest pains.
I just saw the worlds oldest cocktail waitress. It gave me such hope for the future.
Being an asshole has its perks. I can pucker up to anything!
I don't even have the energy to lie about getting laid.
It's 2am, so obviously I am just laying here wondering if I remembered to do something I forgot about six months ago.
Washing your car is the white man's rain dance.
I almost have the formula for the perfect tweet.
So far all I have is 2 farts, 9 shits, 7 tiny dicks, 3 gaping vaginas, & an armpit fetish.
Brady Bunch is on. Dad is teaching Peter how to fight. Shit just got real.
Just found my phone...almost as good as an orgasm!!!!!
16 Ways to Stay Creative: bit.ly/1eKGC61 #amwriting
Cleaning a litter box while pregnant can cause birth defects in babies. Probably a good thing that so many cat women are single.
If I hold the elevator for you, you don't get to hold it for other people.
Learn the rules.
Watching the guy from the UPS store drop off stuff at the post office. It feels naughty.
Don't mind me I'm just waiting to be unfollowed
Celebrity Wife Swap? So when does the cross-porking begin?
Argentina had 5 presidents in 10 days in 2001. Now that’s the kind of quality control testing we need in the U.S.
Perhaps you need a break in your thoughts: bit.ly/1TJENWZ #amwriting
All change is stressful. Just ask the werewolves who live in your neighborhood. #TBTTweet
Not to brag, but I'm really talented at finding places to sit down.
I quit being judgmental when I found out it didn’t pay worth a shit. #TBTTweet
*scrolls manically through the 2000+ songs on my phone for one that doesn't suck*
I'm the pervert in yoga class that thinks every pose would make a good sexual position.
Posted a sticky note to my workstation. "Be Excellent"
Really going to fuck with them now.
I think I see a new 'most beautiful woman I've ever seen' at least twice a day
My girlfriends tombstone will read "I kept talking during a movie."
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
The very worst STD you can get is probably KIDS.
Nothing says 'I've made poor life decisions' like a couch in your front yard.
If I cut a coupon out of the paper, get a code word from the radio, then watch a morning show & answer 3 questions, I get 10% off a coffee.
Race my car if you want but if you start winning,...I'm swerving into your bike lane
If I'm weird around you, that means I'm comfortable with you.
We should all give Earth a one star rating on TripAdvisor so hostile aliens won't want to come here.
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.... For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
The difference between an online boyfriend and a real one is the online one is always in your phone. Who knows where the real one fucking is
Sorry I was checking out my hair in your mirrored sunglasses the whole time you were talking to me.
Dirty mirror on your selfie is also a filter.
Do you ever scroll down your newsfeed and think: "Don't care" "Whore" "Your life sucks" "Song lyrics" "Inside joke?" "Needs a therapist?"
I just saw a sign on the women's toilet saying ‘Out Of Order’ - turns out that it was just full of shit.
You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number.
I don’t like stalkers. I just don’t need the competition. #TBTTweet