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Alan Felyk
For me the nice thing about orgasms is that when people have them, they usually give Me a shout-out.
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Mommy was an IG whore and daddy sent dick pics. * Internet Babies
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Grocery shopping for one person is not unlike masturbating. It gets the job done, but something is missing.
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I always shout "The pizza's here!" So the delivery person doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.
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for those of you who "Like" their own FB status.stop.right now.
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Raise your hand if you thought the weatherman had been talking about “Apache fog” all these years … I thought so. #PatchyFog
If time is money, can I waste your time? I hate seeing my friends getting rich.
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If you can’t picture a person you’re familiar with when you write about your fictional character, you’re doing it wrong. #amwriting
It’s ok dented soup can… we're both damaged goods.
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About half of the people in #Manhattan live by themselves. Well of course. Have you met the other half?
It's very important that EVERYONE get a flu shot this year so I don't have to.
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I just took it for granted that #Chapstick could be used on that chapped #ass you seem to have all the time. *Shoves tube indelicately*
Finely overcame my fear of skinny dipping. unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
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Only 20% of Americans have #passports. Hard for the others to go anywhere, but there’s not much worry about getting back in through #Mexico.
Him: "I don't know why I can't get people to follow me on twitter." Me: "Are you an alcoholic?" Him: "No.." Me: "There's your reason."
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.@web_supergirl It's actually 130K, but who's counting? Somehow I haven't been able to parlay it into riches, so I'm open to suggestions.
I will smoke every cigarette in this ashtray to the nub before I open a new pack. I'm just that filthy.
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@AlanFelyk well that tweet just made my nose start bleeding and frankly I doubt it'll ever stop
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A book about how to write successfully by a man who had done so by writing how to do so. —What my fictional character is reading #amwriting
#Lightning strikes 8 million times each day. And this suggests that God’s aim is far worse than that of any villain in a Hollywood #movie.
Every company should withhold your paycheck until you've cried in the bathroom at least once.
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Twinkle Twinkle little whore, cheaper than the dollar store.
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Whenever I ever see a woman doing the #princess wrist wave, I want to royally kick her #ass.
. @vickstick05 Tell them it's THEIR job to make YOU smile. And remember to snap your fingers twice and shout "chop, chop!" @daimonic0
Hey, random ass strangers who tell me to "smile more"... please thoroughly fuck off. Thanks.
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A great thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.
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The success of #spam e-mails that ask for your bank account number is nature’s proof we aren’t running out of #stupid.
It doesn’t matter how many people touch your book. It matters how your book touches them. #amwriting amzn.to/1drootb
I'm just gonna throw this out there. If I look at ur profile & in the first 3 tweets I see the words 'Bae or Followback' you're dead to me.
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C’mon … You can #trust me. In fact, check out my website: bit.ly/1mUOmjb
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don't stare...unless you're wearing sunglasses. 😎
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Sometimes I #follow back because I have the notion that you can never have enough #sluts on board.
I bet people get scared whenever they see a #wreckingball stop in front of their house. You know, the #MileyCyrus watch …
A good life goal is to be as happy about anything as the people in commercials are about wearing adult diapers.
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I thought Boom Clap was a song about a quickie that resulted in gonorrhea. *shrug*
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Employees must wash face before returning to work.. - glory hole restrooms.
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I think drinking a beer in the shower is a perfectly acceptable way to start my Friday night
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Science fiction doesn’t need to explain technology in small detail. That’s what science textbooks are for. #amwriting bit.ly/1dbarfb
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.
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I never try to come off as the most #intelligent person in the room. And for some reason, it’s never been a problem.
Just got a thank you card for sending a thank you card...ohh, it's on!
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I can only introduce you to new things. Whether you choose to put them up your ass is not my issue.
According to Guinness, the world record for most Ice Bucket Challenges completed is held by Guantanamo Bay inmate #4337.
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The man who wrote New York City’s first traffic code never drove. That explains a lot.
Only people with shitty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs .
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When I said Chris Brown knows how to drop a killer beat, I meant musically as well as domestically.
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