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Alan Felyk

writing sport books comedy 114,115 followers
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Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
On Wall Street diversity means feeding off the financial collapse of multiple foreign countries. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  19h
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Plan B: If you find the Gates of Heaven locked, try looking for the key under the welcome mat. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  22 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Don’t you hate it when you find yourself reading the scrolling weather alert on a TV show you recorded last week? amzn.to/1drootb
  21 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
We can’t stop progress. Instead, we elect people who can. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  20 May
Nicki Eve Boyd @NickiEve
@AlanFelyk Something makes me want to run out and buy your book or click on some button. Sounds like it would make anybody laugh. Tx FF.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  19 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Based on the amount, Ticketmaster’s convenience charge should eliminate all of life’s hassles. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  19 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Make sure your bell has been rung by the ladder of success. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  18 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
#IRS head grilled by #Congress. Well done. #humor amzn.to/12hwYLq
  17 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
If I’m ever shot and killed, I expect someone to check out the nearby grassy knoll. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  17 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Woman in front of me at the store yesterday didn't win Powerball. Now she's sorry she hadn't rubbed me for good luck like I had suggested.
  16 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Headline: “Venezuela is running out of toilet paper.” Country wondering what the shit is going on. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  16 May
Steve Suckington @SteveSackington
Look, all I'm saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  16 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Does your boss has grating expectations? #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  16 May
A??? ? Georg1na @AbeeGeorgina
The amount of people who confuse "too" and "to" is two damn high.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  15 May
Cate Cloer @thecloers
Here's the link to our first NATIONAL radio interview. Whoo hoo!! prx.org/pieces/96626-i…
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  15 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
I’m a sore loser. That happens when your back hurts from hitting the canvas too many times. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  15 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Study: Plants can communicate with one another. No doubt trash-talking all the vegetarians. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  14 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Wondering why the Sons of Anarchy have a club president. And vote on things. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  14 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Headline: Big “Survivor” surprise. What? Did someone actually die? #humor amzn.to/YR3SpA
  13 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
The Cicadas are coming this summer! Their song will get a lot of airplay. Check Cricketmaster for local dates. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  13 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
When I go to the gym, I use the Nautilus weight setting that someone marked as “pussy.” So far I haven't gotten any. amzn.to/1drootb
  12 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
#Cubs in western forests have a better chance of catching fire this summer than those in Chicago. #MLB #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  11 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Life in a fish bowl should attract more lifeguards than it does. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  11 May
Fantasy Author @BrianRathbone
The pen is mightier than the sword, but it's much less impressive when you whip it out.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  10 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
I never seek validation from others. Well, unless it involves parking. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  10 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Can't we be shielded from stuff like this? fxn.ws/16kf80h
  9 May
Get Cougarized @GetCougarized
Whoa! Hold on! There seems to be a problem here. Your emotional baggage doesn't coordinate with mine. Did you happen to keep your receipt?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  9 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Let’s test my theory: I can be funnier when people send me money. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  9 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Alaskan man's driver license revoked for 50 years. After that, he'll be old enough to drive in Florida. #humor bit.ly/sdrootb
  8 May
Jennifer is me @Jennifergr8
People who smell like cheese rarely taste like cheese, when licked.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  8 May
Ellie Busby @EllieBuzz52
@AlanFelyk Ok, so Now I'm in love with both you and Russell. Going to get the book. Want to converse with you about a play based on it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  8 May
Mary Sue Marshall @marysuemarshall
@AlanFelyk Thanks for following, Alan, now mutual. LOVE your book!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  8 May
veronaway2 @veronaway2
The one thing we have in common is that neither one of us likes you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  8 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
I’m worried that in the beginning the human race had a false start. #humor bit.ly/sdrootb
  8 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Unequivocally the funniest ad I've seen all year. The Old Spock vs. New Spock battle... #StarTrek bit.ly/109t1d8
  7 May
Filthy Liberal Scum @suzieQ0007
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  7 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
I’m going to start my own magazine for muscle builders: the Weakly Weeder. #humor bit.ly/sdrootb
  7 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Study: People with first names longer than five letters lose out on about $3,600 in salary every year. Because they had to buy vowels?
  6 May
MaryAnn Kempher @MaryAnnKempher
Any #coffee lovers out there? :) Would you please go "like" my Author FB page? Thank you! facebook.com/pages/Author-M…
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  6 May
Ceej @ceejoyner
If you don't like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He's gone now.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  6 May
tampa37 @hottampa
Sometimes, the teacher in the Peanuts cartoon, is the only one that makes sense to me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  6 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Ever stretch a rubber band so far it hits you in the face? My snap judgment? You’re an idiot. #humor bit.ly/sdrootb
  6 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
His wife mistakenly thought when he said he was a quick-change artist, it meant he would learn to do things her way. bit.ly/sdrootb
  5 May
Nikki @Squirreljustice
Dog the Bounty Hunter looks like the kind of guy you'd kick out your yard sale for sniffing your old bathrobe.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  4 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
If there’s a glow about you, I’d check the radiation levels. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  4 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Exercising your stomach doesn’t involve stretching it with nachos. #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  3 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
Damaged Right Out Of The Box set a monthly sales high in April. Thanks for sending those "buy or die" e-mails. amzn.to/1drootb
  2 May
Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk
I plan to write an ad with the following disclaimer: “real actors, not people.” #humor amzn.to/1drootb
  2 May
Lezanne Jacobs @liz_jacobs93
I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  1 May
Patricia Mandell @SeaMist57
@AlanFelyk Thanks, Alan! You are truly funny! Cant wait to read book!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  1 May

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