Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Want your own social home page like this one? Click here.
 
Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 129,052 followers
The battery in my smoke detecter has been dead for a week now. So yeah, you can say I'm a daredevil.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  4h
The best thing about Urban Dictionary is that it has a filthy connotation for everything you say. Makes my job a lot easier.
  5h
I'd love to have lunch but I'm busy trying to redirect the complete train wreck that is my life.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  6h
Huh, yelling “STRANGER DANGER” when salespeople approach you in the mall actually works.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  7h
Shouting doesn't work, so whisper and mumble to aggravate the fuck out of them.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  8h
Sometimes Whiskey drips down your tits.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
  9h
I never thought I'd meet someone like you. This is a nightmare.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The Smothers Brothers are not a pair of siblings who walk around with chloroform handkerchiefs. —Note to the young generation.
I've invented a new dance move called OMG THATS A SPIDER
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If the Midnight Special is shining its light on you, you're standing on the tracks, moron.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
@ messages are like talking to strangers on the elevator. Sometimes they answer, sometimes they ignore you, usually they nod and give a star
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
That urge to jog & get into shape always leaves me the moment I get out of bed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My walk of shame is just me putting the sock in the hamper.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Bette Midler: "God is watching us from a distance." Well, yeah, who could blame him for that?
Cell phones getting thinner & smarter. My GF not so much.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My mom: Why’d you even come to visit if you’re just going to be on Twitter the whole time? Me: Good point. *leaves*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Have you ever wiped your ass so hard it writes you a note asking what has it ever done to you? No? Never mind...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I like to tip strippers the same amount as the age they were when their dad left.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I have the energy of a snail. ~ if our pizza man doesn't arrive soon, he'll be charged with neglect.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*Scratches head* *Rubs neck* *Shrugs* *Follows*
Gonna ask my therapist if tweeting counts as journaling and if retweeting counts as a random act of kindness.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I get to 15k by the end of the week I'll use the bathroom.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Um...K....Creepy locked accounts....You have no followers because you're account is like the dark forest in a horror movie.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Netflix just suggested that I get the fuck off the couch.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Her: Can I see your phone for a sec? Me: Sure, just let me delete every conversation I've ever had on 6 apps.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk