Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Grow your twitter followers. Join free!
Start my free promotion! Twiends helps you grow your twitter following quickly and easily.
Alan Felyk
I all see on Twitter is followers. Where the hell are the leaders? It’s like looking for Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
My teen son won't answer the phone and texts from his dad He's a little embarassed over the vibrator i sent his step mom from him.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When my kid cries loudly in public, I act the same way I do when I set off someone's car alarm. I shrug my shoulders & say, "It's not mine."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Deep throat a hot dog in your selfies for that perfect touch of subtlety.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
One of the best things about Texas... EVERY DAY IS TACO TUESDAY
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Guest towels? No, I have “guessed” towels. I find them at the bottom of the closet and guess whether they’re clean.
I bet that you taste much better than your avi...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Readers should notice your humility in your writing. If not, make sure you point it out to them. #amwriting
Apparently for Bill Cosby, every kiss did not begin with ‘Kay.
Piece of chedder bay biscuit in my bra. Save it for later.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot. Santa Claus. Sex. And other things I used to believe existed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The only thing I fear becoming is an 'educated fool'
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm not a good liar, except when I'm lying to myself. Then, I do it like a pro.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Met with a police sketch artist. Described you to a tee. Had the sketch framed for you for Christmas. BTW, I'd avoid downtown for a while.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The Miss Universe Pageant is rigged because like no other planets are even represented.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you don’t put me on Twitter list, how the hell will you know when I subtweet bullshit about you?
When it comes to procrastinating, I do it immediately.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My windshield cleaner has a chemical "known to cause cancer in the state of California". I'm glad I don't live there because that's scary.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My husband is off for the next 18 days. 18 days of family togetherness. I'm scared. Pray for me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Kids will be kids.” —A cliché that gets my goat
Here’s something that I can’t seem to do well: bit.ly/1qPjFmW #amwriting
Some scientists believe that parallel timelines exist. That must be where the intelligent tweets are being posted. #TBTTweet
When some says “rectify,” I wonder if the word was derived from “rectum.” Solving things by pulling stuff out of your ass. #TBTTweet
Thanks mom for the email IN ALL CAPS telling me a huge winter storm is on it's way the day before I fly to Canada. Anxiety level: DEFCON 18.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Based on what I tend to stock up on, I'm the type of prepper who is getting ready for a nervous breakdown.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Osama Bin Laden hid unnoticed in my purse for approximately 5 months
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I wouldn't have been crude if I had gotten anywhere with subtle. I'm sure you understand.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm confused when people are happy to see me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I get far more gratification from rubbing my eyeballs in the shower followed by Q-tipping my ear canals than I should.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
People like you make Twitter worthwhile. That and the money people send me through my direct message scams. #TBTTweet
Who knew that Rogen and Franco did The Interview as a prequel to This Is the End? We figured it would be a bomb, but from North Korea?
Calm the fuck down overly judgmental people of the internet. I'm disappointed in me too.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Some say my tweets have no journalistic integrity. To which I reply. Your Momma.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I am overly impressed with people who know how to correctly fold a fitted sheet.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
For someone who doesn't believe in marriage, I sure have the body of a married man.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't give a shit what you look like in your half naked selfies but you can be sure I'm judging the fuck out of the mess in the background
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
For all the romance writers out there: bit.ly/1Dylk67 #amwriting.
“There’s always someone who believes in you.” —What all unicorns say
I've just been sentenced to 20 years for my part in a timeshare fraud. Luckily I only have to go to prison for 2 weeks every year.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
What exactly is the difference between motivational and inspirational? *either way I'm out*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I hate being alone but not enough to actually do anything about it. Stranger danger motherfuckers.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Would you’d like to go out some time? You know, like great granddaughter and great granddad. Whadda say?” —What old guys in vans say
Russia scrambles to stabilize the ruble. Before it turns to rubble.
If you wonder what dating me is like, imagine taking a squirrel that's amped up on Red Bull to a nut farm.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Nothing makes you look more suspicious than using your blinker to turn into your own driveway.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk