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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 129,178 followers
I get so inspired when I see a super ugly actress starring in a big role until I find out that she's related to a Producer.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Drunk tweeting is just like regular tweeting except you rely more on autocorrecx #dyac
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  1h
Where the hell am I going? Where is my phone? Did I forget my kid? Is my coffee still on top of my car? Hi. I'm a safe driver.
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  2h
My favorite form of exercise is busting your balls.
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  3h
Reno is further west than Los Angeles. But, mind you, that's geography before the Big Earthquake.
  4h
It's time to play Name That Rash.
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  5h
If you can't beat them, try shooting them.
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  6h
Dude at the drive through was a creepy hand toucher.
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  7h
I seriously think I have sprained my thumb scrolling my phone. Ouch.
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  8h
I tried to go running, but I keep losing the ice out of my glass.
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  9h
If no one unfollowed today, you failed miserably at Twitter.
I have a whole bucket of lame and I'm not afraid to use it.
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Use the word maudlin in a sentence to show everyone how deeply you've researched your sad existence.
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You know, sometimes I feel smug for absolutely no reason, just because I like feeling smug. Sue me.
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Nothing says "I've embraced celibacy" quite like using a metal detector in public.
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There's an inverse correlation between the number of teeth in people's heads and the amount of food on their floors.
This over-zealous job candidate is why I wish my water bottle was full of vodka.
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There's a cologne that smells like tequila. It's great if you want the stigma of alcoholism but none of the fun.
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If I was alive in a past life when they were around, I know I lived in Sodom or Gomorrah. Probably both. Maybe a summer home in Sodom.
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The only lottery I can afford is checking my account everyday To see if the bank made a huge mistake
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It's pretty bullshit that my therapist won't give me copies of his notes... Or marry me and let us start a family together.
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I used to be a stunt double for Wilford Brimley. On his Quaker Oats commercial.
You can't even "Go fuck yourself" correctly. Here, let me show you.
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I might show up to work on time if there were Margaritas waiting for me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk