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Alan Felyk
Scientists: 3.4 billion years ago, the Earth was much cooler. I blame today’s wannabe hipsters.
Hmmm … what’s another word for thesaurus? #amwriting
My first thought is always “I second that thought.”
You know that online Domino’s Pizza delivery tracker? Only for the hooker that you just called.
I just submitted my book to for free exposure! Thanks! @bookgoodies
Helpful Tip of the Day: Make the rules up as you go.
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I'd sell my soul just to never have to listen to you chew again... ...and other romantic things I say to my spouse.
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A court date is still technically a date, right?
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Does this taste desperate to you? *kisses you*
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What’s the point of doing it right in the first place if you always have to redo it?
.@RondaRousey is the reason that I would never try to cop a feel from an unwilling woman.
You need a printed book, too: #amwriting
The feds funded Homeland Security for another week? There’s goes my opportunity to film The Purge 4 on my cell phone.
My latest release.. Rock Star, the first in a new #Sweet & #Sexy #Romance series… #novelette Please RT!! Thank you!
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I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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.@Sean_POG Hahaha. Kurt loved his unfiltered Pall Malls.
At any given time, 45 million people in the world are drunk. Who would have guessed that so many of them would be on Twitter?
Tennille claims the Captain at his best was barely a petty officer.
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My Husband asked me to wake him up with oral, so I brushed his teeth while he was sleeping this morning.
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My sponsor said I need to get rid of my demons but my demons are my In-Laws, and that sounds illegal.
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The higher your IQ level, the easier it is to resist peer pressure. What? You think I should refrain from tweeting for a while? Oh, OK.
After writing my own personal experiences book, I can vouch for the self-reflection: #amwriting
If a hush wasn’t so awkward, it wouldn’t fall over the room.
You know you're about to be murdered when you see a child's balloon floating in the sky.
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The survival rate for being stupid is too high.
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Just because I signed for a package doesn't mean you get to call me babe, UPS guy. But thanks for noticing my cleavage. Text me, k?
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Unknown NFL domestic violence surveillance videos are the new anticipated summer movie blockbusters
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You came to Twitter to find a respectable & decent woman? Good luck with that one buddy! We ran those bitches out of here a long time ago.
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Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.
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I don't care what color "the dress" is, it's just plain ugly.
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My first day as a seismologist started off on shaky ground.
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Can’t we just round this up to the Ides of March? #PiDay
I haven’t figured this out: If I lie to myself, shouldn’t I know that I’m lying to myself?
Check out the progress report on my upcoming novel, Damaged Beyond All Recognition (and its sequel): #amwriting
I drink because I'm really trying to like you.
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Apparently saying "you win some, you lose some" isn't appropriate at a funeral.
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Was there anything more questionable than the Spanish Inquisition? #TBTTweet
.@AnAbsurdBird Any day is a good day for tacos.
She was such a buoyant girl. It made bobbing for nipples so much easier. #TBTTweet
I need to eat less salt and jump on the bland wagon. #TBTTweet
I just want to have enough money for someone to ask me if I want crushed pepper.
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Sorry I said "You'll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
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Where writing ideas come from: #amwriting
You shouldn’t take things personally. Always have your kids do all the shoplifting.
We're conducting a study of the effects of air flight on quality of life. It's a pilot study. Oh my God that's funny.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk