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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,137 followers
Lol this guy on the train is trying to stare me down but he doesn't realize I've been dealing with the male gaze my entire life
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1. Say My Name 2. Bitch 3. Who Will Save Your Soul 4. Loser 5. U Can't Touch This 6. My Heart Will Go On [Break up CD in the '90s]
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Fact: Strippers who want to work in Canada have to show naked photos of themselves at the border as proof. Seems reasonable.
If it takes government medicine 2 hours to execute someone, how long does it take to cure them? #VA
“Three shits to the wind.” —How a typo in a description about a dump in the wilderness became a cliché, no one knows
Me: I'll soon have 10k followers Hubby: LOL how many are bought Me: Your dinner is on page 204 of recipe book & ingredients are in the store
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LIFE HACK: Leave potatoes in the cabinets for a few weeks and watch them turn into hanging plants
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How can people talk while they run? I can barely run while I run.
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I always thought The Bonfire of the Vanities was a book about the blaze that started in the Home Depot bathroom section.
Beware... The dusty dashboard temperature pics are coming!
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Here's a short story about buttered popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies: No.
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Courts have ruled police departments can reject applicants for having high IQs. Somehow this idea has extended to political offices as well.
If you're possessed you can spell ukulele right the first time.
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Someday... I will befriend all the creepy @ers and DMers and they will be my minions and I will be the queen of twitter... Ahh dreams.
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“I’ve seen your #tits.” —How to add discomfort at the next #officepicnic.
I put the 'grunt' in 'disgruntled'
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When you follow someone just because they're attractive and they follow back pic.twitter.com/vY3udQZGUm
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I am filthy. And not in a fun way. Gonna have to remedy that.
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Oh so you're a creep and a weirdo. Keep that shit up.
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On a first date it's bad luck to mention your parole officer.
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I love you but not “add you as a beneficiary to my life insurance policy” love you.
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Take comfort when your #face hangs over the porcelain throne that the starfish is the only animal that can turn its #stomach inside-out.
Got a note from the Social Security Administration to review my account. #Bastards! You’ve let it already run dry, haven’t you?
My superpower is drinkin 4 btls of wine and driving a golf cart through my neighbors yard without hitting the cat So I've been told.
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#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @Ideal_Victoria. She will make you laugh, and that'll warm your burrito.