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Sorry, but I can't talk right now, your Dad just can't get to sleep without my nipple in his mouth.
That awkward moment when you get both hooks for hands stuck in Pringles cans.
Does anybody get a jury trial before they’re sent to Twitter jail?
I keep it bottled up inside. Want some?
We have met the enemy, and they are cleavage wrinkles.
Or pube stubble. Both are terrible.
Thank God for these curtains separating the rooms. Curtains are the BEST way to keep out germs.
Yes, I'm sure I read that somewhere.
I bolster my self-image by trying to revive road kill.
Don't forget why you love me and hate yourself.
If you're overly concerned about offending others, the PC virus may already be inside you.
Your mom takes the protective plastic off the couch when we have sex so we won't wake you up.
I should change my voicemail to:
Please hang up and text me
Last night I talked about my feelings with a guy and he laid there listening to every word. So sweet!
Tonight I might even untie him.
Since you didn't answer my calls, I assumed you want me to buy this $3000 refrigerator with a built-in TV. Honey.
A Stormtrooper and a Star Trek red shirt had a fire fight. The Stormtrooper shot 10 times. The red shirt wasn't hit but died anyway.
I was a bitch before I had a reason.😂😂😂
Another return? Well, thanks!?! You haven't been size 8 since the '80s. Next time buy Spanx! #WhatYouDontTellCustomers
In my spare time I enjoy deleting things my boyfriend DVR'd & then pretending that somehow aliens did it
ISO a person w/ a boombox to follow me around & play the Michael Myers theme song on loop.
It pairs perfectly with the resting bitch face.
Up your meds today and be funny on Twitter. Or be a complete mess and stay in bed sobbing, whatever
So many joke format milestones I still have to reach! Like marriage, and loss of bladder control.
If the shoe fits, the second one won’t. —Rule of thumb at Payless ShoeSource
They're high maintenance--they want food, water, air, and a condo in the Hamptons. WTH? You're God--not Santa Claus.
My pick for Tweet of Day, but I spend my money beer instead of Favstar. So it has to be unofficial.
"No Dumb-Ass Left Behind"
Actions speak louder than subtweets.
Growing up, I was the "It Girl"...
~ me being outran by all the other kids playing tag...
I really thought the garbage collectors would appreciate all the trash talking that I do.
An Honest to God True Story: @ecmooreauthor
’s continuing blog series. bit.ly/1Grge8g
Don’t tell me how I should feel … If you would take your bra off, I could do a better job of getting to that spot.
“So someone mistook your bowl of Cheerios for the toilet bowl this morning?” —How to dress up a cliché
Life is hard when you're a dick
Can you even bait a hook or skin a buck, bro?
"Since we started dating I've not slept with a single guy”
"Yes, they've all been married"
Writing a Character Profile: bit.ly/1VoAOCr #amwriting
On Twitter no one can hear you scream. So keep that emoji handy.
I love how being friends with you makes everybody question our sexual orientation.
I see your Facebook friend request and raise you a dislike button.
My sister showed me her triathlon ribbons and medals.
I felt obligated to show her my Twitter trophies.
We're still equal in God's eyes.
PTA meetings would be more productive if they served wine. Well, maybe productive isn't the right word...
I mean popular.
I forget sometimes that the majority of the world doesn't think like me.
Is there anything sexier than a hooker strutting down the street with six inch heels, a super mini skirt and a police ankle bracelet?
Nothing bonds two people together quite like agreeing a third person is an idiot.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Lump it all together with the big and medium things so you can have a major breakdown instead.
The closest I come to flirting is batting my eyes at the elderly cashier to try and get him to accept a coupon.
I love how when you block someone they die
If the scouting report for your fantasy draft doesn’t involve porn sites, you’re doing it wrong.
I know dream catchers don't work because I've never seen one in a car worth more than two thousand dollars.
My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.