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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,171 followers
Sooner or later, the #zombies in #Mexico are going to figure out the U.S. border is open. #TheWalkingDead
  7h
bar guy last night asked where i've been all his life. i said i have boyfriend. i think if he paid the tab i would have answered differently
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  7h
Shouldn't there be a rule that you can't start a new global crisis on even-numbered days? news.yahoo.com/n-korea-threat…
New rule for RTing: It must make you blow #alcohol through your nose while you simultaneously soil your #underpants.
“We’re selling our #furniture for the lowest prices ever.” Hey, even cheaper than I could have bought it in 1965 when you first opened?
I will push a kid down for the last pop tart. Know this.
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Women who buy expensive lip stains must have never heard of wine.
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Sometimes I wish I were British. Then I remember warm beer and lousy food and I'm like "Meh. French."
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I have decided...I'm not jaded enough for twitter yet. But I'm staying!
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I’m reading this #recipe for #disaster. I don’t think I have thyme for this.
Please don't fuck with me, I just bought a stun gun and I'm dying to try it out.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Desperately Seeking Susan or Someone Akin to Susan or an Android Version of Susan or Zombified Susan or Goth Susan or Androgynous Susan or
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The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
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Evolution of the Twitter relationships: Star RT DM KiK Text Call Skype Tweet up Murder Get worn as a skin suit Any questions?
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People that leave the pool and come back 15 min later you're not foolin this former pot head
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No, need to thank me for the #retweet, sweet lady. Your avi with your #boobs hanging out is all I need at my age.
Boston’s “More Than A Feeling” would have been a sadder #song if he had seen his Mary Jane walkin' away. Your first love, weeded out …
I’m still trying to figure out why the #dolphins made Hootie cry. —Why I avoid #SeaWorld
#SingaporeSlingSaturday Salute: @Sandy_PDA is a great follower. Maybe she'll help you while she takes a break from helping @JacksonArthurUS.
My wife was about to leave me because she caught me wearing her clothes. "I can change!" I shouted as she slammed the front door.
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Is there anything more uncomfortable than watching Commander Riker flirt?
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Of course I have a six pack. There’s an entire fucking case of #beer in the pantry.
Having another piece of bread made from wheat flour? You’re a #gluten for punishment.
Adam, the original 'world's most interesting man'.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk