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Alan Felyk
It's all fun and games until you get your dick stuck in a Pringles can at the family picnic.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Fuck I'm loosing followers *flashes side boob* That was a close one.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Ten Minute Writing Exercises: bit.ly/1My1RG7 #amwriting
It’s OK—admit it. You’re in the tall weeds when you hit the wrong button on the TV remote and it takes you to HDM2.
Ingrate: A person who never favs or RTs your tweets and whose body has been stuffed through the bars of a sewer hole opening.
When I type “Gates of Hell” as my GPS destination, your address always comes up.
As my fellow scribes might attest, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as writing ‘The End’ ...ON YOUR ENEMY’S FACE IN THEIR OWN BLOOD
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Whoever keeps downloading One Direction onto my phone using my fingerprint to log in, please stop it. The prank is getting old.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Weed is a plant. Plants are life. *gets high on life*
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WELL MAYBE I WOULDN’T BE RIDING YOUR ASS IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE A PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE I WAS TRYING TO READ!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Kids: "Mommy! We just learned how to make a drum-set out of old cans on TV!" Me: *Throws out TV*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Drunk people annoy me when I'm sober. Sober people annoy me when I'm drunk.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I may look like I'm near retirement. But I have the investment portfolio of a woman in my 20s (I'm broke)
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Pythagoras knew what to do to get the credit: on.fb.me/1D9SCc4 #amwriting
That moment when you realize you’re too old to chase older women.
Hey, Facebook woman … Do you poke on the first friend request?
I am a walking Murphy's Law today
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'd rather be cursed with a permanent wedgie than go to this wedding in Saturday.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Some people have a way with words. Others not have way.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sure, when Aphrodite lies around naked in a clam shell she’s a ‘goddess’ but when I do it I’m ‘drunk’ and banned from the aquarium.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A penny for your thoughts? Here's a dollar to shut you up...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
<--- would lick Cheetos dust off a homeless guys fingers.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I used to ask myself "Was I the best mother possible today?" Now I just ask "Are they alive?" And then reward myself with a bottle of wine.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My 'I don't give a fuck' face must look a lot like my 'Please, tell me more' face.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm certain I have kept Bank of America from going bankrupt with my overdraft fees. You're welcome America.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
What kind of bullshit warranty doesn’t cover your printer when it has a paper jam & you throw it out the window??
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Weirdo likes a 57 week old pic on my instagram: “Ugh.” Hot guy likes a 57 week old pic on my instagram: “Aww.”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
According to my dad, it’s not parallel parking unless one arm is hanging out the window & the other is turning the wheel with only a palm.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When a woman is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal. Rosie Perez must love EVERYBODY.
Who do I need to swallow around here to get some Taco Bell delivered to me at work?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A lot of my tweets are about alcohol and killing people, but I'm fine, really.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm southern but not *takes a plate of deviled eggs everywhere I go* southern.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Follow your heart and if it doesn't follow back, unfollow and block.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Things my Grandma worries about: 1. Being late to Bingo 2. Cheaters at Bingo 3. What color dauber to use at Bingo 4. Being late to Bingo
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Mexican drug lords escape from maximum security prisons faster than I escape dysfunctional relationships.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m not a very good sleeper, but I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Reading your tweets in public just got me arrested
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I wish criticism was a business. I could totally sell the shit out of negativity
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Irony: getting pregnant on a pull-out couch
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so attracted to him and that he wasn't so attracted to me. We have nothing but attraction in common. Lol.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk




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