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Alan Felyk
Thanks mom for the email IN ALL CAPS telling me a huge winter storm is on it's way the day before I fly to Canada. Anxiety level: DEFCON 18.
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3h
Based on what I tend to stock up on, I'm the type of prepper who is getting ready for a nervous breakdown.
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3h
Osama Bin Laden hid unnoticed in my purse for approximately 5 months
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3h
I wouldn't have been crude if I had gotten anywhere with subtle. I'm sure you understand.
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3h
I'm confused when people are happy to see me.
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3h
I get far more gratification from rubbing my eyeballs in the shower followed by Q-tipping my ear canals than I should.
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3h
People like you make Twitter worthwhile. That and the money people send me through my direct message scams. #TBTTweet
6h
Who knew that Rogen and Franco did The Interview as a prequel to This Is the End? We figured it would be a bomb, but from North Korea?
Calm the fuck down overly judgmental people of the internet. I'm disappointed in me too.
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Some say my tweets have no journalistic integrity. To which I reply. Your Momma.
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I am overly impressed with people who know how to correctly fold a fitted sheet.
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For someone who doesn't believe in marriage, I sure have the body of a married man.
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I don't give a shit what you look like in your half naked selfies but you can be sure I'm judging the fuck out of the mess in the background
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For all the romance writers out there: bit.ly/1Dylk67 #amwriting.
“There’s always someone who believes in you.” —What all unicorns say
I've just been sentenced to 20 years for my part in a timeshare fraud. Luckily I only have to go to prison for 2 weeks every year.
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What exactly is the difference between motivational and inspirational? *either way I'm out*
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I hate being alone but not enough to actually do anything about it. Stranger danger motherfuckers.
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“Would you’d like to go out some time? You know, like great granddaughter and great granddad. Whadda say?” —What old guys in vans say
Russia scrambles to stabilize the ruble. Before it turns to rubble.
If you wonder what dating me is like, imagine taking a squirrel that's amped up on Red Bull to a nut farm.
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Nothing makes you look more suspicious than using your blinker to turn into your own driveway.
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You know what? Fuck it. *crushes up all the Pringles and drinks them*
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I'm thinking 3 hours of Seinfeld Bloopers & Outtakes is probably unhealthy but there's no one to stop me.
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.@web_supergirl I was afraid there would be a picture. And that it would be pink. And staring me in the face.
You might want to peruse this list of words that writers misuse: bit.ly/1BFxLs2. Then we can conversate. #amwriting
Daily publishing of free Kindle books and the best bargain eBooks: ebookpraiser.com via @BookPraiser #amwriting
“I’m loyal to a San Andreas fault.” —What stubborn people in California say
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob. Carry on.
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Here’s a list of female followers who, in real life, would let me kiss them on the mouth:
An inventor has designed a rollercoaster that would kill everyone who rides it through centrifugal force. #SixBodyBagsOverTexas
Jay Cutler's contract extension looks as intelligent as the installation of storm windows on a foreclosed home.
If you’re sending one of your book characters to prison, he or she may need one of these: bit.ly/1spjie7 #amwriting
I think IHOP would be a lot more classier if it had hat-check girls. When I suggested that, I was told to put a cap in it.
.@KrissiBex Dates can be hard to come by in Lincoln. Sometimes you have to go with the ones that use too much mascara.
It's the most wonderful time of the year...to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
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When I write a tweet and say, “wow, that’s fucked up,” I know I’ve hit paydirt.
Adultery really seems like rather childish behavior.
Why isn't there a fucking taco emoji? This is BS. I have whatever 🍙🍘🍥 are but no taco 🙍
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.@KrissiBex It's selective hearing that seems to be a constant trait in males.
My dog is apparently deaf to all spoken commands, yet he hears me taking a bite of food 3 rooms away
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Who wants to come over and knit sweaters for cats?
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I'm not sure why twitter is so slow tonight. It must be because I have everyone blocked.
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If his name had been Atilla the Pun, people would have felt obliged to laugh at everything he wrote. #amwriting
When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
My X-mas lights are tangled. But not as much as my life.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk