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It's all fun and games until you get your dick stuck in a Pringles can at the family picnic.
Fuck I'm loosing followers
*flashes side boob*
That was a close one.
Ten Minute Writing Exercises: bit.ly/1My1RG7 #amwriting
It’s OK—admit it. You’re in the tall weeds when you hit the wrong button on the TV remote and it takes you to HDM2.
Make some new tweeps @Cay47 @suewatsonwriter
@Loudmouthkid47 @Booktropeteam @cdivakaruni @AlanFelyk
@themancheans @Iddybud @seams16
Ingrate: A person who never favs or RTs your tweets and whose body has been stuffed through the bars of a sewer hole opening.
When I type “Gates of Hell” as my GPS destination, your address always comes up.
As my fellow scribes might attest, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as writing ‘The End’ ...ON YOUR ENEMY’S FACE IN THEIR OWN BLOOD
Whoever keeps downloading One Direction onto my phone using my fingerprint to log in, please stop it. The prank is getting old.
Weed is a plant. Plants are life.
*gets high on life*
WELL MAYBE I WOULDN’T BE RIDING YOUR ASS IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE A PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE I WAS TRYING TO READ!
Kids: "Mommy! We just learned how to make a drum-set out of old cans on TV!"
Me: *Throws out TV*
Drunk people annoy me when I'm sober.
Sober people annoy me when I'm drunk.
I may look like I'm near retirement. But I have the investment portfolio of a woman in my 20s (I'm broke)
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Pythagoras knew what to do to get the credit: on.fb.me/1D9SCc4 #amwriting
That moment when you realize you’re too old to chase older women.
Hey, Facebook woman … Do you poke on the first friend request?
I am a walking Murphy's Law today
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I'd rather be cursed with a permanent wedgie than go to this wedding in Saturday.
Some people have a way with words. Others not have way.
Sure, when Aphrodite lies around naked in a clam shell she’s a ‘goddess’ but when I do it I’m ‘drunk’ and banned from the aquarium.
Dude, Where's My Streetcar Named Desire? #MakeAStraightMovieFunny
A penny for your thoughts?
Here's a dollar to shut you up...
<--- would lick Cheetos dust off a homeless guys fingers.
I used to ask myself "Was I the best mother possible today?" Now I just ask "Are they alive?" And then reward myself with a bottle of wine.
My 'I don't give a fuck' face must look a lot like my 'Please, tell me more' face.
I'm certain I have kept Bank of America from going bankrupt with my overdraft fees.
You're welcome America.
What kind of bullshit warranty doesn’t cover your printer when it has a paper jam & you throw it out the window??
Weirdo likes a 57 week old pic on my instagram: “Ugh.”
Hot guy likes a 57 week old pic on my instagram: “Aww.”
According to my dad, it’s not parallel parking unless one arm is hanging out the window & the other is turning the wheel with only a palm.
When a woman is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal. Rosie Perez must love EVERYBODY.
Who do I need to swallow around here to get some Taco Bell delivered to me at work?
A lot of my tweets are about alcohol and killing people, but I'm fine, really.
I'm southern but not *takes a plate of deviled eggs everywhere I go* southern.
Follow your heart and if it doesn't follow back, unfollow and block.
Things my Grandma worries about:
1. Being late to Bingo
2. Cheaters at Bingo
3. What color dauber to use at Bingo
4. Being late to Bingo
Mexican drug lords escape from maximum security prisons faster than I escape dysfunctional relationships.
I’m not a very good sleeper, but I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.
Reading your tweets in public just got me arrested
I wish criticism was a business. I could totally sell the shit out of negativity
Irony: getting pregnant on a pull-out couch
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so attracted to him and that he wasn't so attracted to me. We have nothing but attraction in common. Lol.