I bet @kimtopher22
got detained by Customs and was sent to my TL in error. Glad she shared my stuff while killing time. She's a sweetie. #FF
I should have ordered the parts I need from China, but they come in reels of 5000.
I need 16.
"The stakes are high!"
Stakes: "Heyyy, man"
Why do you suppose I have a rubber band in my pocket? Sure it's the first time I've seen it.
Chucked hot oil all over the me and the kitchen. What fun! And my bloody mop is still broken.
Space shuttle links up with space station.
Space station:"Is that all you've got?"
Not only is Garden one of my long-time Twitter friends, she writes wonderful short-short stories. Don't pass this one up--buy it today. twitter.com/MissSummerland…
What the hell happened to all the buttons at the bottom, fucker?
- Me every time Twitter has a new annoying update
You know what's wrong with people these days?
Spending $50,000 on a wedding but not having any alcohol at the reception
Fuck your wedding
My fish died. People are sending me condolences and i'm responding "tank you".
Ending tonight's writing session with this ...
I wanna be somewhere new. Some place far, far away.
Once you land on the creepy list there's no going back.
That whole " that tweet was for you" bullshit is the oldest trick evahhh.
But will Bosley grow back my hair that's been lasered off?
*points to va-jay-jay*
I don't need a hashtag to tell me what I already know.
This is #MyPetsTwitter
I am the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.
One, Two, Three, Four. I declare a thumb war.
*thumb war ensues*
Five, Six, Seven, Eight. I use this hand to masturbate.
Twitter: Reminding us that everyday people are far more entertaining than most overpaid celebrities.
I missed Twitter seasons 1-6 so I'm just as confused as you.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
it's almost 11 and i'm still wearing my bra? what's wrong with me?
If you ever start thinking that you're the biggest fucking dumbass,just remember; there's people out there that call the TV remote a clicker
I was going to follow you back but after seeing all the sleazy twitter doms you follow, I broke down laughing so hard I just couldn't.
Meet me in the fucking Crypt. Bring rope, a couple shovels and some vodka, we'll make a day of it.
Reads between the lines
Studies the gaps between words
Evaluates the punctuation
Tells you what you really meant ..
Oh look I don't have any twitter 'moments' to tell a story
Oh look neither does anyone else
Get my point Twitter ?
Anyone can have a Twitter account ...
... as long as you don't mind being liked, hated, loved and despised all at once
If I'm singing or dancing there is a 100% chance I'm drunk.
I'm my first car was a used '76 Monte Carlo with a 350 four barrel carb years old.
I had to get off Twitter last night because I kept @'ing people.
I want to nominate the inventor of marijuana chocolates for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Misunderstood when the woman at the bakery said pastries. Now I have donuts stuck on my nipples.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just got a toothbrush stuck in my hair.
I've never had an ex write a song about me.
A chestnut is both a type of nut, and a messy sex move.
Have you ever seen how good the steak looks on the package of beef flavor ramen?
That's how they get you.
Way to make us all look bad, guy buying flowers at the grocery store for no reason. Dick.
I want to ride a giant seahorse. Don't tell me about your problems.
Get in the trunk. We're going to find out your sleep number.
I am someone's bitch...
Not to brag, but I can be without my phone for 30 mins. Don't hate.
I want to share my life with you but only the parts where I require assistance.
Stop tweeting. I need to finish this book tonight.