Want To Grow Your Twitter?
We help other people find and follow you on Twitter.
Key Info:
Started in 2009
Over 4 million signups
Country targeting provided
We never auto tweet to your timeline
We never auto follow others
We actively moderate our community
Please Share
Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome

Alan Felyk

The proof is in the pudding... Sorry I ate the evidence.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It’s OK to stumble around in the dark: bit.ly/1KinquF #amwriting
Let’s get the Super Bowl behind us so we can get to the real excitement of compiling mock NFL draft lists.
“Are you ready to get drilled?” —What I would ask women if I were a dentist
Felt dumb for putting the trash out on the wrong day till I noticed my neighbor is still turning his Xmas lights on. Who's the dummy now?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Studies show your name can correlate with your occupation. Wish I named my kids Tycoon, Heiress & Bazillonaire. I have failed as a mother.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Maybe your contribution to society could be that you stop reproducing & just let that gene pool dry up.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I woke up & was happy it was Saturday. Then I remembered I have to work. Happiness gone. Getting real sick of underwear & responsibilities.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Free college education? Don’t bother. From the looks of things on Twitter, too little too late.
I always check out a guy's girlfriend to see if I'm his type.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died - my thoughts are with his family.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Log out of porn. Jeopardy is on.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I wish I was the woman carelessly tossing a football around in the boner pill commercials. she looks like she knows true happiness.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You look like everything about you will annoy me in approximately 3 months. Let's give it a shot.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you can't handle me at my worst... You're probably a pussy.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m the kind of guy who will fight you for a pole-position parking spot at the gym.
LinkedIn stock shares plunge almost 44% today. Think Leonardo DiCaprio being shook by the bear.
All dating is speed dating if you excuse yourself to the restroom, climb out the window and run away like a bat out of hell.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I live life like one of those really annoying online poker players. All in every damn time.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How many pubes can a human swallow before a hairball comes back up? Asking for a friend.
*coworker unfolds the paper airplane I flew at him* "Bush did 9/11. Also, I ate your pudding."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A wise man once said to never give up hope. I'll never give up hoping you'll slip on a dryer sheet, hit your head, get amnesia & forget me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm ready to start disappointing you now. ~me, agreeing to a first date with someone
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I still hang decorative items with pushpins, in case you were looking for someone to remodel your house.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
We are all hiding from someone, stop being so dramatic! -me to private Twitter accounts
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*drops from overpass onto hood of your car *reaches into driver's side window *clutches your tie in my fist "DID YOU GET MY TEXT???"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's disturbing how excited I get when my pee is clear. #fullyhydrated
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you don't have a best friend you can discuss orgasms, anal sex and masturbation with, you aren't me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Can't. Synchronizing my menstrual cycle with my all-female DM group.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
[during sex] Him: "I can go all night, baby. I got a new box of condoms from the dollar store." Me:
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Me: "...and so I ask myself, the abyss I've been dreading, has it crept it's way in?" Cashier: "Ma'am, for the 3rd time, paper or plastic?"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Man: "Can I have a pack of condoms?" Pharmacist: "A small box?" Man: "I hope so!"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If the nightly news keeps trending in this direction, it’s going to put all of us who write satire out of business.
My best naps end w my hair stuck in the drool all over my face.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"I wonder if I can pee in this cup?" -things I've considered when I don't want to get out of bed
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I hate it when my boyfriend does things like "doesn't actually exist" and is "secretly my body pillow".
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When someone sends me a text that requires a yes or no answer, I like to respond in French, so they'll think I'm classy as fuck.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's been fun playing with you, but now I'm going to go play with myself.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just found out it's time for you to fuck off.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just carried 27 bags of groceries up two flights of stairs in one trip like some kind of urban sherpa.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I've watched all the Resident Evils, so I'm pretty sure I know how to break a neck with my thighs.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Is it still stalking if it involves a drone and high definition camera from the comfort of your own basement?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Say "no offense" so I can automatically become offended.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When I’m working on my novel, I always say what I mean. It’s just one of the “literally” devices that I use. #amwriting
Google knows that you're searching for Hillary Clinton Nude. Stop it. #DemDebate
Over-the-counter drugs - but it means you climb over the counter at the pharmacy and help yourself.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
 




Twitter Sign-in
We are going to send you to Twitter to authorize twiends.
Please note that we never tweet or follow people without your permission.
Continue
Hi, this page is for Alan Felyk
Are you looking for their Twitter page? Or would you like to view all their updates here?