Coffee is basically a cup of "Get shit done"
Age is just a number until you're dead.
I was feeling too cheerful & optimistic so I went ahead & read some of the comments under news stories on FB. Faith in humanity: destroyed.
The cereal is stale. And other things people can make about politics.
Saying goodbye to a toxic relationship is a wonderful way to say hello to yourself and your self worth.
I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars...
Yet the funniest people on Twitter are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.
I wasn't following you...
by the way; reduce the heat when cooking chilli, your tires need air and you should towel off better
The women at the lingerie store are so dumb, they asked what size my wife is;
obviously it's not for my wife, idiot
Twitter is a giant mental institution, if you take anything here seriously
you belong in a real one
You think I'm going to pursue you? No. That's not how it works.
I don't need a life coach. I need a life pinch hitter.
Life keeps trying to kill me, and I keep not dying. Strategy or dumb luck? Answer is unclear. Ask again later.
Give me vodka today and I shall live another day.
Drunk as fuck probably, but whatever.
Due to a low budget, the sex tape I made on my bed was filmed on location.
Apparently, my favorite location to place my keys is somewhere I won't find them when I'm rushing out the house the next morning.
The best location for your lips is on my lips
...after you pull my panties to the side
Cuz after a hard day at work, my man deserves a hot meal.
Get in my car baby...
I want to drive you crazy.
I never sent a kid to bed without supper but I did make one or a soccer team load a dishwasher till they got it right.
It's not well known, but Lady Gaga
is quite the comic.
Her next career move will be doing
standup comedy .... as Lady Haha.
A new app called "Hater" pairs people
by their mutual distastes.
If two Haters find love ( hate ) -
and marry- they'll call it hatrimony.
Famous Patriots :
-Patrick Henry ("Give me liberty..")
-Paul Revere ("One if by land..")
-Tom Brady ("I'm going to Disneyworld")
Nothing is more crushing than when
someone you trusted let you down.
It hurts for a long time.
Sometimes life has a way of snatching
defeat from the jaws of victory.
Atlanta Falcons :
"Well, we've got this game in the bag"
"Meet Tom Brady ..... bwahahaha"
Top Five Ways for a man to not lose
arguments with a woman :
1) Don't ever get into one
"Trump Not Welcome in U.K. Parliament"
Looks like the Brits won't be having
any "tea and Trumpets"
Some people are like Schrödinger's cat.
They'd be better in a sealed box.
Sometimes we get too emotional
at the outcome of an event.
Our worth is not determined by
a single failure or success.
angina: lack of blood flow
to the heart, causing chest pain.
mangina: lack of testosterone flow
to his groin, eradicating his testicles.
Being afraid of the dark
Being afraid of the light makes
me wonder what you're hiding.
My sports bra creaks as I breath in and out ...
.... so you see I have 2 big problems here
Goes to gym ...
... sits on vibrating plate
Holy fuck balls..
Is today over yet.
I could go on & on & on & I will...
Treat her like she's the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You know that horrible feeling you get after eating an entire pizza by yourself? Yeah me neither.
Relationship baffles me. Seriously. I mean, how many times a day do girlfriends need to be fed.
Wasting Time by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats
Think of all the time time time time time
I think the biggest winner after tonight will be Melania Trump who can finally call herself the first lady instead of the third wife.
With 500 billion pages of porn on the internet, do you honestly think I joined Twitter to stare at your AVI's cleavage?
I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.
Armed with a wand full of glitter and a glue gun up an arse.
Arse is a fun word for ass, kids.
I told her I have her back and she said ditto with a thumbs up waiting for approval and together we held a horseshoe crab.
I see you in your man cave ...
*drags you to my bitch cave*
Twitter has taught me
Beards are sexy
Yoga pants are sexy
Vodka makes you sexy
.... please don't try these all at once
It's easy to sit back and criticize others. It's fun too.