Feels like I'm missing some major Twitter drama.
Grins in triumph.
Rhyme is often the reason.
Why doesn't anyone make a book scented air freshener? Glade, Air Wick, Febreeze... get on it. We want bookstore scented!
Just watched The Hateful Eight. Good preparation for a contested GOP convention.
“I’m going to coin a phrase: In God We Trust.” —What the guy at the Denver Mint must say when he pulls the lever.
I'm sorry that Siri responded to a Wolf Blitzer command on TV to send a text telling you to fuck off.
Yes. But they're too far from being major tweets. It's that non-com bias.
They used to be privates.
My ex was such a narcissist that he bought mirrors on the ceiling so he could see himself in me.
I don’t have a dirty mind - I have a sexy imagination.
The preying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating – whereas the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
You say “hospitalisation for a nervous breakdown” I hear “quiet vacation with awesome drugs"
Spank me once, shame on you, spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.
Things were way better when I only thought I knew everything.
I can't with these queries. They just keep coming at me. Don't you people check in with QueryTracker? Can't you see I'm 473 days behind?
Need a new rug under which to sweep life's more irritating shit?
Welcome to Twitter.
And the go fuck yourself ran thick and fast..
I would rather struggle to carry a 300lb bag alone and break stuff, and knock shit over, than accept help from someone who's pissing me off.
It may be early in the day, but I'm calling it at 11:55 a.m. MDT. Here's the Tweet of the Day. twitter.com/topaz_kell/sta…
Well, I had no problem focusing on your points.
Sorry my boobs stared at you the whole time we were talking.
Ooooh. Well now it makes sense.
There was a certain amount of irony in this considering I had to click on the link. Bravo.
I've engaged two women, and all of that ended in divorce court.
Be adventurous. Answer an ad on Craigslist, by somebody asking to be paid in Bitcoin.
*** Looks at the crime scene from the afterlife***
*** Thinks, "Geez, am I am fat as the chalk line leads people to believe?"****
Extra hugs for you, sweetie. twitter.com/LittlemRX/stat…
Yup. I also sell my books on craigslist. People who case out houses for burglaries need things to read, too. twitter.com/LastVerse66/st…
If you want to follow one of Twitter's rising stars, check out the TL of @topaz_kell
.*Bows in deference to one of the true queens of humor*
I think that's what Hillary said after Bill left office. twitter.com/freakin_franki…
Thanks what I've been trying to say, Dave. Buy the book, and I'll have money to do things that keep me off Twitter. twitter.com/llabak/status/…
It's like the presidential race. You cast your ballot and then you're screwed for four years. twitter.com/freakin_franki…
I followed Frankie. Somebody tell me that it wasn't a mistake. twitter.com/freakin_franki…
Joy is the most politically incorrect woman on Twitter. Even my nutsack isn't large enough to RT some of her stuff. twitter.com/ozgirl747/stat…
The support for my 99-cent sale has been UNBELIEVABLE! amzn.to/1MXwreh
“Left brain versus right brain?” —Hard choices presented by the doctors that perform lobotomies.
Damn boy, are you a Veteran applying for his hard earned benefits?
'Cause I'd love to use you and pretend you never existed.
Me: Death by guillotine!
Waitress: We apologize for overcooking your steak, I'll take it off your bill.
Me: Yeah, no. Death by guillotine.
Your intervention or mine?
Any day can be Monday, if you're manic enough.
I can hear everything you're mumbling through the duct tape. I love you too.
Cougar is a MUCH nicer way of saying spinster. God bless modern parlance.
Remember, it's much easier to see through a window when you're on the darker side..
I never dislike someone for their feelings.
Just their choices.