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The proof is in the pudding...
Sorry I ate the evidence.
It’s OK to stumble around in the dark: bit.ly/1KinquF #amwriting
Let’s get the Super Bowl behind us so we can get to the real excitement of compiling mock NFL draft lists.
“Are you ready to get drilled?” —What I would ask women if I were a dentist
Felt dumb for putting the trash out on the wrong day till I noticed my neighbor is still turning his Xmas lights on. Who's the dummy now?
Studies show your name can correlate with your occupation. Wish I named my kids Tycoon, Heiress & Bazillonaire. I have failed as a mother.
Maybe your contribution to society could be that you stop reproducing & just let that gene pool dry up.
I woke up & was happy it was Saturday. Then I remembered I have to work. Happiness gone. Getting real sick of underwear & responsibilities.
Free college education? Don’t bother. From the looks of things on Twitter, too little too late.
I always check out a guy's girlfriend to see if I'm his type.
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died - my thoughts are with his family.
Log out of porn. Jeopardy is on.
I wish I was the woman carelessly tossing a football around in the boner pill commercials. she looks like she knows true happiness.
You look like everything about you will annoy me in approximately 3 months. Let's give it a shot.
If you can't handle me at my worst...
You're probably a pussy.
The wish of every author: bit.ly/1KimGpr #amwriting
I’m the kind of guy who will fight you for a pole-position parking spot at the gym.
LinkedIn stock shares plunge almost 44% today. Think Leonardo DiCaprio being shook by the bear.
All dating is speed dating if you excuse yourself to the restroom, climb out the window and run away like a bat out of hell.
I live life like one of those really annoying online poker players. All in every damn time.
How many pubes can a human swallow before a hairball comes back up? Asking for a friend.
*coworker unfolds the paper airplane I flew at him*
"Bush did 9/11.
Also, I ate your pudding."
A wise man once said to never give up hope. I'll never give up hoping you'll slip on a dryer sheet, hit your head, get amnesia & forget me.
I'm ready to start disappointing you now.
~me, agreeing to a first date with someone
I still hang decorative items with pushpins, in case you were looking for someone to remodel your house.
We are all hiding from someone, stop being so dramatic!
-me to private Twitter accounts
*drops from overpass onto hood of your car
*reaches into driver's side window
*clutches your tie in my fist
"DID YOU GET MY TEXT???"
It's disturbing how excited I get when my pee is clear. #fullyhydrated
If you don't have a best friend you can discuss orgasms, anal sex and masturbation with, you aren't me.
Can't. Synchronizing my menstrual cycle with my all-female DM group.
Him: "I can go all night, baby. I got a new box of condoms from the dollar store."
Me: "...and so I ask myself, the abyss I've been dreading, has it crept it's way in?"
Cashier: "Ma'am, for the 3rd time, paper or plastic?"
Man: "Can I have a pack of condoms?"
Pharmacist: "A small box?"
Man: "I hope so!"
If the nightly news keeps trending in this direction, it’s going to put all of us who write satire out of business.
My best naps end w my hair stuck in the drool all over my face.
"I wonder if I can pee in this cup?"
-things I've considered when I don't want to get out of bed
I hate it when my boyfriend does things like "doesn't actually exist" and is "secretly my body pillow".
When someone sends me a text that requires a yes or no answer, I like to respond in French, so they'll think I'm classy as fuck.
It's been fun playing with you, but now I'm going to go play with myself.
I just found out it's time for you to fuck off.
Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here.
Just carried 27 bags of groceries up two flights of stairs in one trip like some kind of urban sherpa.
I've watched all the Resident Evils, so I'm pretty sure I know how to break a neck with my thighs.
Is it still stalking if it involves a drone and high definition camera from the comfort of your own basement?
Say "no offense" so I can automatically become offended.
When I’m working on my novel, I always say what I mean. It’s just one of the “literally” devices that I use. #amwriting
Google knows that you're searching for Hillary Clinton Nude. Stop it. #DemDebate
Over-the-counter drugs - but it means you climb over the counter at the pharmacy and help yourself.