The-Can't-Afford-Favstar-Pro Tweet of the Day from @Love_bug1016
. Married Life 101 explained. twitter.com/Love_bug1016/s…
Did you know you can still scroll twitter while wearing handcuffs?
I've reached that age where drinking all day but being sober by the time you go to bed STILL results in a hangover the next day.
Dudes named Gary say things like, "I wanna raw dog you, girl."
This lady* at Walmart was just standing in the canned goods aisle just talking to herself, like having a full conversation.
*it was me :(
Don't fuck with me because I will make you pay** bitch.
**writes slightly negative Yelp review under an anonymous name.
I'm ready to shank someone for their wifi password
If I wanted to follow you on Facebook, I wouldn't be on Twitter
When I'm driving my hands are always at 10 & 2 unless I'm tweeting then my knee is on 6
I'm going camping tonight and I have enough stuff packed to just go ahead and live there.
But have you tried drinking your problems away?
My therapy skills are top shelf.
See what I did there?
But WHY can't I be Samantha from Bewitched???
Awwww, I love that picture of you in a g-string holding a baby.
One time when we ran out of Fruit Roll Ups, mom sent me to school with a pair of edible underwear in my lunch.
Graffiti: "My mother made me a lesbian." Graffiti reply: "If I give her the wool, will she make me one, too?"
I dreamt about new problems all night long. I should have stayed up and just waited for them arrive.
According to my period tracker app, you have 3 more days until I love you, hate you, try to murder you, and text you all of my feelings.
Plucking my own ass hair and picking my own back spots.
Porn is a fucking lie.
Plumbers aren't free and they definitely don't like it if you try to give them a blowjob.
M-"Can't we just settle this like adults?
"H- "fine okay"
M-"Rock, paper, scissors"
Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
Whenever I see a hot woman’s avi accompanied by a foreign language bio, I somehow don’t give a shit about what she has to say.
Before I kill characters in my novels, I make them plead for their lives first. Then I relent and rewrite the damn thing. #amwriting
Before you decide to unfollow, you might want to consider that I know one of the bus drivers who’s been hired for the Rapture.
“I feel so trapped by the decisions I’ve made.” —Typical presidential primary election voter
The best thing about this time of year is how by dinner time my sweating has caused my eyeliner to end up on my chin.
You pulling on my heartstrings is only going to tighten the knots around your wrists and ankles.
My life flashed before my eyes, and it was like watching a Cymbalta commercial.
Alcohol may intensify the texts.
My handle on life is on the mop I use to clean away all the forensic evidence.
Im basically just sarcasm,with big tits and great eyebrows.
I left Twitter for four whole weeks once.
Which is like 10 years in Twitter time.
When she's also an attention whore, as well as an actual whore.
One persons morning foreskin tweet, is someone else's evening foreskin retweet.
- the beauty of timezones.
Oh my god guys I think I have a date,
It could be some other kind of dried fruit though, I'm not sure.
Okay, the McConaughey Lincoln commercials have officially become creepier than the 1st season of True Detective.
An advent calendar for the election, but instead of candy, when you open the door a tiny orange hand pops out making the handjob gesture.
Hillary spent $200,000 to win KY. Doesn't she know you can just buy that stuff at Walgreens for like 7 bucks. 8 if you want 'splody bits.
So what did you do at your last job?
I made up imaginary people and fucked with them.
Are you stuck on the imaginary bit?
I remember a vaguely racist joke from 4th grade where the punchline was "Ho de do! Ho de do!" Seriously, that's the reveal? #GOT
Zika should come in a juice box, or be a Pokemon or a girl who does massage. It's just a stupidly cute name for a horrible disease.
The only thing Donald Trump and I have in common is that neither of us believe a word he says.
Watching the CNN special on the 80s. I think I'm going to forgive myself for staying drunk that decade.
Your low expectations are right where I need them to be.
It's not about what I'm willing to do for a Klondike bar, it's about what I'm willing to do for coffee, chocolate, or tacos.
An exceptional relationship and incredible sex, all in one, is the equivalent to finding a unicorn. You hold on to that shit.
When will I mature enough to realize the benefit of trading off mind blowing sex for a mind blowing relationship?
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't finish what they
Oh well, I make myself laugh and that's what counts.