Your new boyfriend invites you to his family's thanksgiving. DON'T jump up, grab a turkey leg and start gnawing on it. Trust me on this one.
Your family is gathered around the tv during the holidays- what to watch?
A Christmas Story?
Facebook- See Marge baste her turkey.
Twitter- See cam girl stick a baster up her butt.
Advice: (to teen girls) It's the day after thanksgiving...DON'T order anything with pumpkin spice in it. It just ain't cool anymore.
Today's prayer: May the Lord keep you from getting trampled to death in a Walmart.
How many light bulbs would it take to change people?
When you said it was "as crazy as all get out," I wondered just how crazy a get out actually is.
Make America Grateful Dead #TrumpInauguralBands
I licked the last bit of pie off the plate without breaking eye contact....
The dog snorted in derision and walked away.
I just heard a dandy swing-style remix of 99 Problems so I'm invincible for like the next 18 minutes.
Yes...I'm a grown man. Yes...I still get very excited if somethin' can glow in the dark.
If Hallmark movies have taught me anything it's that one day I'll move to some snowy city & fall in love with the hot mayor of Christmastown
My mom puts the chiroptera feces in batshit crazy.
<---- wishes she had a crumb trail to follow back to funny twitter.
Political twitter is too scary.
My FedEx guy who was late just said he'd pray for me to find a nice guy and I'm all like, 'just a hard package before noon would be fine'
Turkey only has about a quarter the amount of tryptophan as egg whites. You fell asleep because you were drunk.
There'd be 80% more chance of me eating bacon right now if I was in the US.
So America has that going for it.
Can't, thanking God for unanswered prayers.
Unrelated, ex got a neck tat of what can only be described as BALLS.
So finally, he has a pair.
Growing old gracefully?
There was nothing graceful about my early years, why start now?
My Raging Hangover,
sponsored in part by Smirnoff and our friends at Monster Energy.
Now I'm "saw a pic of a high school friend and mistook her for her mother she looked so old, OMFG, do I look that old too?!" old, I guess.
Only 3 more mental breakdowns and it's Christmas. Indeed the most wonderful time of the year.
I have an amazing pencil skirt & no office job.
The only logical thing to do is to slash a set of tires so I can represent myself in court.
Sorry I always expect the worst, but in my defense, it literally always happens.
The truth is like a hard slap in the ass with a sheet pan
The wtf crease between my eyebrows has gotten deeper
I just wanted to let y'all know that
I achieved my one goal for Thanksgiving, which was not to put on a bra at any point today.
BURP! Well, glad that's over with. What next? Gilmore Girl tweets? Christmas?
Remembering fondly the days when my biggest gripe was that Tenille left the Captain.
There's nothing quite like an elderly white man raging against squirrels.
that's great, thanks
*rage re-folds all the towels*
I was off today and I legit spent 12 hours on my couch eating, watching movies and now sports. This is why I can't win the lotto
...the nights were touched with magic
when you were here
seeing the moon into the room...
Some people need a NOT-TO-DO list.
My aim is to be supportive...
Even to the sadsack at work whose corners of her mouth have not pointed to the heavens since I've known her.
When they tell you they're a problem solver,
before a feeling of relief comes over you
at least find out what they consider to be a problem.
Do you think procrastinators have a very hard time living in the moment and answering simple questions?
Hold that thought..be back in a bit.
I was given a 'perp walk' for eating the last row of Oreos...
He claimed there was photographic evidence of cookie crumbs down my cleavage.
Instead of searching for life on other planets,
maybe we should be warning them with a PSA about the volatility of Earth's inhabitants.
So nice to come here and exchange pleasantries...
Because there's no point in demanding a refund.
Believe me, I've tried.
When you have all the answers there's usually some leftovers.
If you're in need I've a few random ones to plug holes of your sinking ship.
I'm having a very useful day where I can't see the forest *or* the trees
You can have it your way. And I'll be loving it.
-Hooking up in a fast food restaurant bathroom.
Even Oprah Winfrey has
turned into a vegan.
She just changed her name....
to Okra Winfrey.
My wife has this cute little saying for me
that sounds like an advertising jingle ....
"Stop tweeting and start doing"
Today's the day President Obama was to pardon two turkeys for Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately it was canceled.
Trump and Pence didn't show up.
Thanksgiving for the rest of the world
comes after Americans stop talking about theirs.
The five things I'm most
thankful for every day :
Thanksgiving today, dranksgiving tomorrow.
I'll pay for your crazy with my sanity and tell you that it's worth it.