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Alan Felyk

If I was Flash, I'd snatch one of my dates fries every time she blinked.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm only an Asshole if you're too sensitive.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Everyone's beautiful if you're horny enough.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Getting to heaven sounds like a lot of work. Climbing the stairway. Knocking on the door. I bet hell sends a car.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Bad things also come to those who wait.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm trapped in philosophy twitter and Kant get out. I'm Locke'd in. It's all so Confucius. Camus help me? Looking for a place to Heidegger.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The first rule of Fight Children with Diabetes is: you do not talk about fighting children with diabetes.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Say what you will about people who don't speak English.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Always wonder if your perception is someone else's reality. You might be surprised.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The people I want to subtweet aren't even on Twitter.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The Sugar Hill Gang is not a very intimidating name for a gang.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My daughter is skinning a cat. Or practicing her viola. Hard to tell.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I admire people who can announce their crazy without saying a word.
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Of course I startle easily, life is terrifying.
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The name's Bond. Gold Bond. And I'm going to soothe your minor skin irritation
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's the most wonderful time of the year for wool socks and seasonal depression
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When I'm at a wine tasting I always rush in and describe the flavor as "oaky" before anyone else gets a chance to.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't
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Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing
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If I put on my Sketchers... you're getting your ass kicked.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds... it's yours to keep.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A State Farm jingle that takes you back to a simpler time in your life, instead.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you go out of your way to bad mouth somebody to me on here, I will not engage; just like how I don't engage with those who bad mouth you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m ending #TacoTuesdayTestimonial. Don’t be sad. Because I’m rolling out #TacoTuesdayTribute to replace it. Hasta luego, amigos!
I lived in eight different states/countries by the time I was in third grade. Never meeting a stranger became a way of life.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
...And then I said "What if I'm terrible in bed?!" And we laughed and laughed and laughed...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
This wine tastes like I don't have to work in the morning. I do, but right now, it doesn't matter.
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Once on an acid trip, I swore I was sitting on a castle rampart in Scotland. I felt the wind on my face. It was glorious. I miss those days
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just told my 5yr old "the only way you're going to get it is to wiggle it" That's as true in the rest of life as in this case of loose teeth
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I don't think that's what killed the cat. Unless curiosity was disguised as an 18 Wheeler then, yeah, that's about right
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There's no panic attack like a "Mom just figured out how to video chat" panic attack
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Enough with the Jesus memes, Aunt Linda. If I wanted religion shoved down my throat I'd talk to my mom after her 4th glass of wine.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Some of the parents in this school car rider line really invoke a "hold my car keys and get bail money ready" attitude out of me.
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Please, please, please let him keep talking.....Let him keep tweeting... Let him keep digging this hole.
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Aunt Linda said Jesus is with me always. (I think I upset her when I asked if he stays in the car when I go into the liquor store)
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I think we could all use a UFO sighting right about now. If they ask to see our leader, we can assure them he's totally ok with anal probing
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You know, you never see a woman on jeopardy making a duck face when they get her close up. That's not a coincidence, girls.
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Heard a political TV commentator refer to “the very fabric of America.” I’m guessing DACRON®.
I just had @ipalatsky do the Charleston across my TL. Wow, what a dancer ... and wonderful friend. Follow her--you won't be sorry.
If @SleepyHazel can blow up my RT notifications like she just did, imagine what she might do to yours. Follow this funny lady and find out.
Taco Monday. At the rate the world's going why wait for Tuesday?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
So @kimtopher22 figured out how to drain my cell phone battery: Keep RTing me till the notifications kill it. A sweet lady--I forgive her.
I am incredibly calm and collected in most situations - just don't step in my pile of dirt while I'm sweeping and nobody gets hurt.
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I just want someone to love me like I love breakfast.
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You don't have to RT me, I can do that myself.
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