They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, "Actually, that just went up 500%."
(in voice that sounds like I've been crying for 2 days) yeah, well I don't care that I lost at Monopoly
I think the most important thing I'm looking for in a relationship is someone who is a lasagna.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Ended tonight's writing session listening to this:
Damaged And No Longer Under Warranty
Whatever. At least my toes look pretty today.
I can't stand your tweets anymore..
Me: Shut up, Mirror.
Was married 20 years and never made sex tape. He was done before I could even press record
You left me no choice but to follow you. You said you associate with the worst elements on Twitter. Now you don’t have to lie about it.
Tess of the Double Stuf Oreos #MakeABookTasty
Just cuz I'm wearing flip flops doesn't mean my followers aren't well heeled
If overthinking a tweet persists longer than 4 hours, seek medical advice and delete your account.
Me working as the school librarian:
"I could get so much more work done here if this place wasn't full of kids".
Anybody else think the Russians are killing off 90's grunge stars? I'm almost certain...
I'm not morbid. I've always wanted to name my dogs Ted, Jeffery, and Zodiac.
How many times I read Fifty Shades of Grey is none of your business.
H: I'm the hottest chick here!
M: Girl, you be tripping.
Also me: Sticks foot out, and knocks the narcissistic bitch down the stairs.
I'm not saying you deserve to die a slow, painful, agonizing, embarrassing death. I'm just saying that some would likely applaud.
Show me where & how they touched you.
No, no. Not on the doll.
*Me, as a therapist.
Have you ever just wanted to exorcise someone from your soul. Because that's the only way you can ever be free of them.
Music soothes a weary soul. But tonight it's just a jumble of melodic torture.
Good tweets are like a fancy, expensive meal. Mine are fast food, on the value menu. Kinda greasy and might make you sick later.
Each time i come home from an overnight business trip my bed is damp and sticky. Girlfriend says its from her missing me tears.Oh I love her
Only a couple things in life better than sex. My boat is in the shop, and watermelons are out of season. So.......
I have serious concerns with companies that do not know their ABC's. Have you ever wondered about B size batteries?
I love having a good beard day. Kinda makes up for the rest of this rolling shit-show
Almost time to close up shop for the week and head home. There's about a 96% chance alcohol is in my very near future....lots of alcohol.
A Willie song, followed by Snoop, then Beasties, Nugent, Merle, Metallica, then Strait....weird as it seems, it all fits perfect.
That looks like it needs fertilized.
~ me about everything
So I guess that means no?
- I said from on my knees while clutching my groin
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I just won $8.00 on Powerball quick pick
Suck it losers
if I was high cocaine how did get this job ,
Signed Casey Jones
do I really need to take the stairs I would prefer an escalating device like moving stairs?
My idea of drinking responsibly is checking my bank card balance before I go out.
You're about as useful as a lock on a screen door.
I learned everything I know about flirting from Slingblade.
I hate it when there is no toilet paper in the restroom at Waffle House & I have to yell until someone brings me some coffee filters.
Nobody knows anything. Move along.
I don't know-
I woke up wild again.
I like it.
Let's see. Pocket protector. Pens. Highlighters.
You going back to school?
I'm going to a nerd bar.
At 10 a.m.?
It's a nerd bar, Karen!
When I was a kid, smoking was allowed in school. Cigarettes had vitamins. X-rays were healthy. Lunch was a big plateful of asbestos.
[1st Day of School]
Me AM: I'm going to start studying now, no slacking
Me PM: Only 1st day, I'll start tomorrow.
Me mid year: Failing.
I didn't like school then and I like it even less now that my kids are going... because now I care.
My back to school shopping consists of lots of wine and a High School for Dummies 2017 book to help them with their homework.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said 'some of you won't ever need to know this' and everyone turned to look at me
I've no idea why I was fired as a math teacher. I always gave 110%