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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,203 followers
USA Today recommended Series, The Seeker. An erotic suspense full of lust, murder and a steamy romance to tickle... fb.me/2guSQQtfy
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  2h
My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.
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  3h
Just had an "incident" with a big ass locust in the backyard. The locust won. Where are the reality cameras when I need them?
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  3h
A text message from my mother that says "call me" is my Pearl Harbor
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  4h
Wife: Are you really that stupid? Me: Yes but not enough to file disability. I checked.
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  4h
I may be older than I look but my maturity level is: *giggles when someone says "Bangkok"*
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  4h
Restless leg syndrome would be relentless if you were a caterpillar.
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  4h
If you can make a tube of toothpaste last 3 yrs or you haven't brushed your teeth in 10 yrs You may need a dentist or whatever. I'm no pro.
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  4h
I like going to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting on the elevator with me.
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  5h
The biggest challenge for #technology soon will become keeping it out of the hands of everyone.
  8h
If I die today, post my google history as "cause of death" Blumpkin Goatse Matthew McConaughey fanny pack Pumpkin Spice Oreos One Direction
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Why is there a GPS tracker for my pizza delivery before there's one for my kid's bus?
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An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, but a punch in the face teaches someone to think twice before being an asshole.
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Me: That was fun! Fist me! Him: What?! Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles* Him: .....
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You know you're getting old when you buy cereal based on how many grams of fiber it has, instead of getting it for the toy.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @archerenemy. Wait a minute. *Eyes him suspiciously.* Why does he look like he would be involved in mayhem?
There are things that can’t be discussed for #reasons that can’t be discussed. Those are the things I want to read from you folks on here.
The average person consumes 12 pubic hairs in their fast food every year. Want fries with that?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @AnAbsurdBird. She will tickle your fancy, but you'll have stick out your fancy first.
It’s been revealed by scientists that #turtles masturbate. That was overdue. High time for them to cum out of their #shells.
My commitment to #excellence is to be the best #deadbeat on social media.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you!" "You've gotten so big!" to children...adults tend to get offended.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If dying is not an option only because you’re writing a new book, then yes, you’re a serious writer. #amwriting amzn.to/1drootb
Took 7 hours to update my website last night. So, yeah, I expect you to look at it and feel sorry for me. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO