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Alan Felyk
If you can't be awesome, be some.
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5h
People that still have bacon left on their plate in a movie, so unrealistic C-
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7h
Can't. reading the dangers of taking an aspirin
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7h
I'm not sure if I really want to be a hiker or if I just want to own all the hiking paraphernalia.
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7h
I found a typo in one of my tweets and now my kids are ashamed to be seen in public with me.
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7h
The true reward for writers: kind words from a reader. Thanks, @micheleeskew. twitter.com/micheleeskew/s…
7h
45 VERY effective ways to avoid the word “very”: bit.ly/1VNLLv8 #amwriting
8h
“I have plans.” —Architects who spend Saturday night working at home
9h
I don't tweet about my sex life because you have to type at least one character in order to send.
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Every time I see an airplane, I say to myself "I wish I was on that airplane", and half of the time I don't even know where it's going.
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I am the opposite of a yes man. That's right. I'm a no man.
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Don't eschew me if you never knew me.
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If Twitter adds an edit button you'll retweet "I like kittens" and ten minutes later it'll say "I drink period blood."
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Nightmare: I am trapped on a bus with every guy I never orgasmed with..... Then I knew... I would never get off..
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Sorry I brought a case of beer to the search party.
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Especially if it's in a Greek bank. twitter.com/SardonicTart/s…
What wine pairs well with crippling anxiety?
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I would have posted my outfit of the day, but I can't take a selfie with this straitjacket on.
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What he said: yeah What he meant: yeah What she said: yeah What she meant: you're about to die
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*logs into Facebook* Baby Baby Dead lion Recipe Baby Beach Dead lion Baby Recipe Video of a lizard popping bubbles *logs out of Facebook*
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Coworker gave a customer directions by saying 'turn left beside the deer antlers', if you want to know what it's like working in the sticks.
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Sorry, I would love to attend, but I'm charging my phone that night.
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You know who most likely invented Decaf right? Satan
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there's something about thunder and lightning that makes you wanna run outside and yell 'I'm right here come and get me bitch'
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I can come up with something slick once in a while. twitter.com/StellaBraintre…
Bananas lower the risk of heart attack unless an extremely hot woman sticks one in her mouth.
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. And rightly so, nothing ruins a nice place like inadequate parking.
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Singing Culture Club into my hair brush. Yes I'm drunk.
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*Slightly brushes the hand of the cashier in the drive-thru line* So what are we?
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I see all these Twitter wars going on and all I can think is: Not my circus Not my monkeys ~old polish proverb Very accurate here, I think
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I have a lot of great ideas and no talent to carry them out.
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Still awake at 6 am educating myself on the infield fly rule and reciting days of the week in french. Someone knock me the hell out, please?
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I hate when my eyeliner looks like fraternal twins instead of identical twins! Son of a bitch! FML
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I'm so vain, I think Beck's song, "Loser," is about me.
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An added stress for a good friend in trying times is the fucking emoji keyboard that wants to punctuate condolences with poop or a hamburger
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Husband called Twitter a Facebook copycat and I don't even know what I ever saw in him now.
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Getting oral sex from my wife makes my jaw sore. Probably from constantly asking for it...
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So, we should find happiness in the small things, but shouldn't go all crazy over small things either? I call bullshit.
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All I'm saying is that I've never had a panic attack in a liquor store.
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Be wary of the guy who wants you to meet his mother. Especially if she’s already dead. #SerialKillerAvoidanceTip
I wore khakis to a family cookout and everybody kept calling me Jake.
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I'll bet my tweets can beat up your tweets.
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I think we should obsess about other people..
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What is the proper protocol when someone adds you to a list? Give them a fruit basket? Build them a shrine? Flash them? Such pressure..
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sex is when a man pleasures a woman while she eats her pizza
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It's all fun and games until you get your dick stuck in a Pringles can at the family picnic.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk




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