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If you can't be awesome, be some.
People that still have bacon left on their plate in a movie, so unrealistic C-
Can't. reading the dangers of taking an aspirin
I'm not sure if I really want to be a hiker or if I just want to own all the hiking paraphernalia.
I found a typo in one of my tweets and now my kids are ashamed to be seen in public with me.
The true reward for writers: kind words from a reader. Thanks, @micheleeskew
45 VERY effective ways to avoid the word “very”: bit.ly/1VNLLv8 #amwriting
“I have plans.” —Architects who spend Saturday night working at home
I don't tweet about my sex life because you have to type at least one character in order to send.
Every time I see an airplane, I say to myself "I wish I was on that airplane", and half of the time I don't even know where it's going.
I am the opposite of a yes man.
That's right. I'm a no man.
Don't eschew me if you never knew me.
If Twitter adds an edit button you'll retweet "I like kittens" and ten minutes later it'll say "I drink period blood."
I am trapped on a bus with every guy I never orgasmed with.....
Then I knew...
I would never get off..
Sorry I brought a case of beer to the search party.
Especially if it's in a Greek bank. twitter.com/SardonicTart/s…
What wine pairs well with crippling anxiety?
I would have posted my outfit of the day, but I can't take a selfie with this straitjacket on.
What he said: yeah
What he meant: yeah
What she said: yeah
What she meant: you're about to die
*logs into Facebook*
Video of a lizard popping bubbles
*logs out of Facebook*
Coworker gave a customer directions by saying 'turn left beside the deer antlers', if you want to know what it's like working in the sticks.
Sorry, I would love to attend, but I'm charging my phone that night.
You know who most likely invented Decaf right?
there's something about thunder and lightning that makes you wanna run outside and yell 'I'm right here come and get me bitch'
I can come up with something slick once in a while. twitter.com/StellaBraintre…
Bananas lower the risk of heart attack unless an extremely hot woman sticks one in her mouth.
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. And rightly so, nothing ruins a nice place like inadequate parking.
Singing Culture Club into my hair brush. Yes I'm drunk.
*Slightly brushes the hand of the cashier in the drive-thru line*
So what are we?
I see all these Twitter wars going on and all I can think is:
Not my circus
Not my monkeys
~old polish proverb
Very accurate here, I think
I have a lot of great ideas and no talent to carry them out.
Still awake at 6 am educating myself on the infield fly rule and reciting days of the week in french. Someone knock me the hell out, please?
I hate when my eyeliner looks like fraternal twins instead of identical twins!
Son of a bitch!
I'm so vain, I think Beck's song, "Loser," is about me.
An added stress for a good friend in trying times is the fucking emoji keyboard that wants to punctuate condolences with poop or a hamburger
Husband called Twitter a Facebook copycat and I don't even know what I ever saw in him now.
Getting oral sex from my wife makes my jaw sore.
Probably from constantly asking for it...
So, we should find happiness in the small things, but shouldn't go all crazy over small things either? I call bullshit.
All I'm saying is that I've never had a panic attack in a liquor store.
Be wary of the guy who wants you to meet his mother. Especially if she’s already dead. #SerialKillerAvoidanceTip
I wore khakis to a family cookout and everybody kept calling me Jake.
I'll bet my tweets can beat up your tweets.
I think we should obsess about other people..
What is the proper protocol when someone adds you to a list?
Give them a fruit basket?
Build them a shrine?
I am woman. Hear my eyes roll.
sex is when a man pleasures a woman while she eats her pizza
It's all fun and games until you get your dick stuck in a Pringles can at the family picnic.