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Alan Felyk

Sometimes I'll tell strangers things I haven't even told myself.
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I've been single so long I think I deserve an honorary bachelor's degree.
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Why doesn't flabbergasted mean a fat person being stunned by something? It should.
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I'll eat sushi, while watching Finding Nemo, in front of your kids.
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You're just a sack of stale memes.
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I like how you think the restaurant staff is thrilled to sing you a birthday song & not at all wishing to shove that cake down your throat.
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A smitten kitten, but he's allergic to cats.
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No such thing as a "good" glory hole. Trust me, I know.
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*kneels down at the altar "Sup, Father. Make mine a double."
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Twitter must be a man because it forgets shit I did one week later.
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I'll suffocate you with my tits, idgaf.
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The blood of my enemies makes for an excellent lip stain.
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I just had tacos for my third straight meal. Is this living the dream or what?
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I told him we're done. DONE. What don't you get!? *Cant wait to see him again
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Laying here thinking how much money kangaroos save by not having to buy purses.
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There's no flattering angle for a Polish nose.
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I named my vibrator the wizard of Oz so y'all know who I'm about to get off to again.
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If you were wondering if there is Wicked Witch porn I'm not saying either way.
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5 yrs ago: this bar soap smells nice Today: can't take a shower w/o my geranium ginseng organic safflower seed oil pacific kelp shower gel
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never give up on your dreams and crap
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Thank God I remembered to buy paper plates at the store. I can cook again.
You know that fine line between genius and crazy? I use that fucker as a jump rope. #doubledutch
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My fashion style? Clothes that still fit. #fml
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Oh ... you think I'm cute when I'm mad? Well hold on motherfucker. I'm about to get gorgeous.
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Head down, ass up. That's the way I like to tweet.
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Some would say that being emotional is a sign of weakness but in reality, being unemotional is the epitome of weakness.
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I just had my first married argument. I won. Duh.
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My cause of death will definitely be mysterious, like how did she have that many VHS copies of Adventures in Babysitting in the first place?
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If u listen closely to White House press conferences, in the background u can hear Samuel L Jackson: "1984, motherfucker, have you read it?"
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All @'s from people who don't follow me must first be read and approved by my mom.
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Wow! I forgot how nice it felt to call a loved one a "punk bitch"
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i have a burger in each hand so i can eat them at the same time and i'm using my third hand to tweet this i love living life to the fullest
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Sadly, I am not a paid actor playing the part of a mediocre tweeter. I just tweet mediocre shit.
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Protip: How to talk to anyone about anything... Don't. Just don't.
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A life alert bracelet... but for when you're out of coffee.
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I've just caught 12 wanking He tried to tell me he was warming it up because I never have the heating on
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I'd rather have a broken bone than a broken heart
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I don't really care if trump is president or not I'm still not getting any nudes
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Can anybody else remember when people used indicators to turn left or right
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Leaving certain things better left unsaid, is not something that applies to twitter apparently.
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I don't Rt myself, it's just that I have a bunch of pinned tweets that can't sit still.
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A.D.D. is the reason I miss my moments of clarity.
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What if this is all just some fucked up dream and we all wake up at the same time and watch Saturday morning cartoons?
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I don't feel like showering today so I'm just going to stick a bar of soap up my ass and call it good.
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When you wake up vomiting and are sick all day it's nice to catch a buzz and connect with some nice people as it subsides.
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My Snapchat story is just a series of pictures of a 12 pack of beer decreasing by one every 5-10 minutes til the end of it or me.
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That was the recipe "back in the day."
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Hurt me, hate me, ignore me but don't leave me.  *Convos with my cat
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