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Alan Felyk
I’m just like Cinderella except I don’t have stepsisters, a fairy godmother or a prince But I did get drunk at a party and lost a shoe once
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Caller ID should elaborate on the reason for the phone call. It should say things like "wants help moving" or "will whine" or "wants money."
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I'm so paranoid I'll take a pregnancy test smack dab right in the middle of my period.
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All good characters seem to be based on people we know. This one is no exception: #amwriting
There are only a few things in life I regret doing. Most of them have names.
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*Follows* *Asks for BJ in DM, sends* *Is blocked* *Opens new account* *Repeats process* —Social media definition of “persistence”
I have friends in high places. *Waves at window washers on 10th-floor scaffold*
I have never lost a friend over sports. Even the Oakland Raider fan that I hit in the parking lot managed to limp away.
Each page in your book should represent a reason for the reader to find the next one. #amwriting
.@black_canary02 In my best Tom Hanks protest voice: "Are you groaning? There's no groaning! THERE'S NO GROANING IN TWITTER."
How did you #weasel your way into my life? Please, don’t make me ferret out that information.
Whispers to the ladies: The Lumberjack competition on ABC.
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When I make a mistake, you don’t have to rub my face in it. Unless, of course, you’re a total #boob.
Sweating turns me on. Most anything turns me Having my period Headaches Pregnancy You get the picture.
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I’m throwing this #tweet out there to see if it will stick to the wall. Don’t ask me what I rubbed all over it.
Watching my cat groom makes me think I should be throwing ones at her.
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It’s far more effective to kill off main book characters if you make sure your readers have already fallen in love with them. #amwriting
To the ladies who profess to hate Brad Pitt … I am ALL that he’s not. Just sayin’.
Oh, you're friends with my best friend, too? Then WE have to be best friends as well! [whispers] ...or I have to destroy you.
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Male sharks have two penises. Well, you have to have something special to offset those creepy smiles.
I'm not a doctor, but I think I could've been a pretty successful physician in like the 1890s prescribing cocaine to everyone.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
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So, how do you guys like the new U2 album? With the next upgrade you get a Bono humanitarian rant. It only gets better.
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The best part about feelings? Drowning those fuckers in alcohol.
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If penises could speak, they'd sound like James Spader.
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For the love of sweet mother Mary and Joseph, grow your eyebrows back.
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When I looked into the abyss it told me I have pretty eyes.
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Smile at a stranger today. You either make their day or freak them out. Win-win.
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My testosterone medication dose is directly proportional to the amount of Rachel Ray I watch each week.
You can like my FB page at Or not. Still a free country at least until tomorrow. No promises after that. #amwriting
Relationship status: I squeeze my own zits.
I don’t know why people on Twitter complain so much about their aching hearts. I just pop a nitro pill whenever that happens.
.@topaz006 The illegal donkey traffickers. The have burro'd they way into this country.
In the year 2525, Willard Scott begins congratulating all the 500-year-old people.
“Your outline will be far more accurate if you write it AFTER you finish your book.” —A truth that should be ignored. #amwriting
“You can change.” —What #Darwin would have said to the first ape. Probably.
How much does the average #boob weigh? I’m guessing 250 pounds Wait ... are we talking about the same thing?
According to research, the average #butt size is getting larger. —Science that airlines ignore. Apparently.
Nothing like hearing voices in a supposedly empty house when you are in the shower to create terror. School bus was late so they came back.
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We can't undo the past but we can replay it constantly in our heads.
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Typos are like bad romances. You never see your own, but you can always see everyone else’s. #amwriting
Just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway.
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It’s against the law in Florida to have #sex with a porcupine. Yup, a law so old that it was written with a quill.
Sure, you love me NOW. But after 3 more months of #tweets, you’ll drift away, find another. Like they always do. Yes, like they always do.
Today's metaphor comes from Damaged Beyond All Recognition: #amwriting
Don't U hate it when Ur panties are wet&Ur squirming around in a vinyl booth&everyone thinks Ur farting&U have to leave Ur panties there?
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I fucking hate auto erotic correct
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