Reading. Writing. Editing. Facepalm. Wine. Repeat. #writerslife
I think I'm an alright guy ... bit.ly/2bTDggN
Happy Dog Day you no good, lowlife, shoe size same as your IQ, cheating neanderthal.
Ohhh, you guys are talking about your pets. Disregard.
Drink so much vodka it comes out my nose.
I have a feeling I need to get totally annihilated. Drunk to the point all I can do is laugh at everything, because life.
Dammit, my dealer goes back to school next week.
23 hearts and zero RT's?
Wasted my crush on you.
The problem is, I don't really want to get to know people who are "alright once you get to know them".
WebMD just specifically told me that I'm not dying. Watch, this will be the time I actually have cancer.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 20 to go.
I just turned down a nude with a "no thank you" if you were wondering how long I have before I enter the convent
At this rate, you'll have to travel deep into the recesses of my mind to find me. I seem to have gotten lost looking for my sanity.
I'd travel to the ends of the earth for someone I love, but my Fitbit is currently charging so please stand by...
I prefer to get my cardio by squeezing my thighs against your head
Call me old fashioned, but it works
Put me last in the overall scheme of things and watch where that gets you
I'm not up to anything until I am
I push the limits before I even know what they are
Don't make me go over to Facebook and get a prayer circle going for you.
Cuz I damn well will
I'll carpe fucking diem by tweeting all day today.
Im too dressed up for Twitter.
Sorry, but your ellipses followed by three exclamation points gave me seizures.
You think you can "take care" of me?
We're all Samanthas. Loud, inappropriate, alcoholic and perpetually horny.
Can't. I'm trying to find out where the cheese smell is coming from.
I lost my phone last night, and all were spared drunk tweeting at its most incoherent.
I offer no excuses for my sober incoherent thoughts.
"Sure, I'll slip beside him on the piano bench and start singing."
What wine told me to do at the restaurant last night, and what I did.
I'll be sipping martinis and eating medium rare steak tonight, as if I am civilized.
"Topography should also be considered," and other riveting vignettes of my traveling via car conversation.
*Tonight on DeGrasse Junior High*
TEACHER: Can someone OTHER than Neil raise their goddamn hand?!
Crossfit is me getting pissed because I have to exercise.
Pa Walton: Good-night, John BOY.
John Boy: *tucking in junk as Goodbye Horses plays* Fuck you, old man.
GOOD COP: Look, cooperate and you'll get off light.
BAD COP: Prison food is all carbs, you're gonna gain 20 pounds the first week.
There aren't any real hippies anymore. You're just lazy.
Whether you notice or just don't care
I'm not cocky, I'm just big boned.
Bought new bed sheets like some millionaire.
I need someone to dress me and push me out the door in about...15 minutes.
I should probably get off Twitter, so I can feed and walk my dog.
When making a rhetorical question just add ?!
* that is my last solution
O hell, that guy who thinks he is "The Boss" of the house is home.
So now I know where my boyfriend is hiding—at the dollar store!
I've cut relatives out of my life without blinking, but sometimes I feel guilty about talking to my houseplants more than my outdoor plants.
If you want to test a friendship, leave them to figure out why?
My super power is noticing what's painfully obvious.
Home Alone scene but it's me alone eating ice cream and watching porn.
I can fake cry, fake smile, fake enthusiasm, fake politeness, fake caring, even fake an orgasm, but I can't fake laugh. That's just awkward.
My insecurities are held together with doubt tape.
The devil you know may care, but it's doubtful.
When I pour my heart out, it's always mistaken for a crime scene.