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Alan Felyk
How much does the average #boob weigh? I’m guessing 250 pounds Wait ... are we talking about the same thing?
According to research, the average #butt size is getting larger. —Science that airlines ignore. Apparently.
Nothing like hearing voices in a supposedly empty house when you are in the shower to create terror. School bus was late so they came back.
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We can't undo the past but we can replay it constantly in our heads.
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Typos are like bad romances. You never see your own, but you can always see everyone else’s. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO
Just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway.
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It’s against the law in Florida to have #sex with a porcupine. Yup, a law so old that it was written with a quill.
Sure, you love me NOW. But after 3 more months of #tweets, you’ll drift away, find another. Like they always do. Yes, like they always do.
Today's metaphor comes from Damaged Beyond All Recognition: bit.ly/1dbarfb #amwriting
Don't U hate it when Ur panties are wet&Ur squirming around in a vinyl booth&everyone thinks Ur farting&U have to leave Ur panties there?
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I fucking hate auto erotic correct
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Why do real jobs require so much head nodding and fake smiling?
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Sorry I stole your last name while you were under the influence of my vagina.
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Women fantasize about sex just as much as men. We’re just imagining you doing the dishes and laundry at the same time.
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I am not saying I am God but have you ever seen God and me in the same room???
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On a scale from 1-5 this day was potato. Metaphors are difficult.
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The only time I want to hear from #politicians is when they say something intelligent. So, yeah, never.
Poop Poop Poop Poop Poop Poop Poop hahahaha you laughed
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At what point is a woman no longer a cougar and now a mountain lion. Asking for your mom....
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Relationship status: I reversed the toilet paper roll.
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It would be so cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back.
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Please release your Egg avi and hatch into something I can follow.
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My doorbell is broken so you'll have to yell ding dong really loud.
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I’ve learned from the #cat that drawing a line in the sand usually occurs after someone takes a #shit.
#TacoTuesday Testimonial to @TheBeerGuy73. When people say "you can't make this stuff up," he is living proof that you can.
,@topaz006 Some valuable books for the coming apocalypse. At least you can get your Jeep running and make iPod playlists with R.E.M. songs.
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @hexidecima. Follow her, but don't step on the backs of her shoes. She hates that.
How many of you landed roles in the upcoming Box Trolls #movie?
My favorite movie is the one where Matthew McConaughey drives a Lincoln down the freeway while talking about the dead hooker in the back.
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You can fit a lot of stupid in one conversation.
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My gameplan for life: I don't know about you but I'm amusing the hell out of myself Xx
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Need a new reason to hate me? I've been driving for over 18 years and have yet to be issued a speeding ticket... thanks to my “smile”
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“Best friends forever? Uh … Uh … Hey, did I just hear your #mom calling you?” —How I used to escape it in grade school
My favourite after sex activity is to text you from the bathroom, “why are you still here?”
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If you started your book with a “forward,” you might not have been paying attention in English class. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO
Go ahead and scowl. If Jimmy Fallon had used my last tweet in his #monologue, you would have laughed. Yeah, think about THAT.
If you dare enter my blanket fort, prepare for a balls to the wall, full on pillow fight.
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I’m blocking you now so we don’t accidentally cross paths in the #afterlife.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
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Check it out: I got your name tattooed on my lower back. So are you going to ask me out or what?
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The day a bum paste account starts following you, that's the day you've won twitter.
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You had me at Clinical Strength.
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I dread getting older. #Stalking will be so much harder because wheelchairs are difficult to maneuver in those bushes under windows.
Just got my dad out of bed to tell him thanks for paying my way through film school just so I could engage in arcane convos with @AlanFelyk
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Second thoughts brought to you by the number 2.
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It's midnight. I don't have enough milk for breakfast. I'd run down to 7-11 but I don't remember if my underwear matches. Meh. I'll risk it
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Sorry that I asked you if your kid was a meth addict because he was missing a bunch of teeth.
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I forgot people normally eat pie with forks
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Don’t be a ventriloquist—use your own voice for everything you type. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO
.@Morgaine620 Why thank you. That was very sweet. @RebelMouse