Sometimes I'll tell strangers things I haven't even told myself.
I've been single so long I think I deserve an honorary bachelor's degree.
Why doesn't flabbergasted mean a fat person being stunned by something?
I'll eat sushi, while watching Finding Nemo, in front of your kids.
You're just a sack of stale memes.
I like how you think the restaurant staff is thrilled to sing you a birthday song & not at all wishing to shove that cake down your throat.
A smitten kitten, but he's allergic to cats.
No such thing as a "good" glory hole. Trust me, I know.
*kneels down at the altar
"Sup, Father. Make mine a double."
Twitter must be a man because it forgets shit I did one week later.
I'll suffocate you with my tits, idgaf.
The blood of my enemies makes for an excellent lip stain.
I just had tacos for my third straight meal. Is this living the dream or what?
I told him we're done. DONE. What don't you get!?
*Cant wait to see him again
Laying here thinking how much money kangaroos save by not having to buy purses.
There's no flattering angle for a Polish nose.
I named my vibrator the wizard of Oz so y'all know who I'm about to get off to again.
If you were wondering if there is Wicked Witch porn I'm not saying either way.
5 yrs ago: this bar soap smells nice
Today: can't take a shower w/o my geranium ginseng organic safflower seed oil pacific kelp shower gel
never give up on your dreams and crap
Thank God I remembered to buy paper plates at the store. I can cook again.
You know that fine line between genius and crazy?
I use that fucker as a jump rope.
My fashion style?
Clothes that still fit.
Oh ... you think I'm cute when I'm mad? Well hold on motherfucker. I'm about to get gorgeous.
Head down, ass up. That's the way I like to tweet.
Some would say that being emotional is a sign of weakness but in reality, being unemotional is the epitome of weakness.
I just had my first married argument.
My cause of death will definitely be mysterious, like how did she have that many VHS copies of Adventures in Babysitting in the first place?
If u listen closely to White House press conferences, in the background u can hear Samuel L Jackson: "1984, motherfucker, have you read it?"
All @'s from people who don't follow me must first be read and approved by my mom.
Wow! I forgot how nice it felt to call a loved one a "punk bitch"
i have a burger in each hand so i can eat them at the same time and i'm using my third hand to tweet this i love living life to the fullest
Sadly, I am not a paid actor playing the part of a mediocre tweeter.
I just tweet mediocre shit.
Protip: How to talk to anyone about anything...
Don't. Just don't.
A life alert bracelet... but for when you're out of coffee.
Rock bottom has another floor
I've just caught 12 wanking
He tried to tell me he was warming it up because I never have the heating on
I'd rather have a broken bone than a broken heart
I don't really care if trump is president or not
I'm still not getting any nudes
Can anybody else remember when people used indicators to turn left or right
Leaving certain things better left unsaid, is not something that applies to twitter apparently.
I don't Rt myself, it's just that I have a bunch of pinned tweets that can't sit still.
A.D.D. is the reason I miss my moments of clarity.
What if this is all just some fucked up dream and we all wake up at the same time and watch Saturday morning cartoons?
I don't feel like showering today so I'm just going to stick a bar of soap up my ass and call it good.
When you wake up vomiting and are sick all day it's nice to catch a buzz and connect with some nice people as it subsides.
My Snapchat story is just a series of pictures of a 12 pack of beer decreasing by one every 5-10 minutes til the end of it or me.
That was the recipe "back in the day."
Hurt me, hate me, ignore me but don't leave me.
*Convos with my cat