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Alan Felyk
If testicles could speak they'd sound like Kevin Spacey in House of Cards.
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I just want someone to love me for the 15 empty wine bottles stuck under my couch.
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My retirement nest egg is a swear jar.
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I'm a daydreamer. I sleep all day.
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?! Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
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That awful feeling when you realize it: bit.ly/1wyr39f #amwriting
Study: Psychopaths are quicker to offer help to others than “normal” people. Hey, can I hold that door open for you?
The Good: Dating a girl from Victoria’s Secret. The Bad: She works on the company’s loading dock and can bench press 220.
Scientists claim our noses continue to grow until we die. By Pinocchio’s standards, that makes them all liars if they’re right.
The perceptions about writers: bit.ly/1Br4CDi #amwriting
Study: Eating pizza may reduce the risk of cancer. Plus, dying from a heart attack is probably preferable if you ask me.
Everyone here seems pretty miserable, lonely, horny or a combination of any or all of the above to me, so I call bullshit on "Happy Hour"
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Confession: I'm a hoarder. Of resentment.
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Don't take this the wrong way but you're all a bunch of morons.
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Bumper Sticker on car driving around college campus: If you can read this you're an asshole. An educated asshole. But still an asshole.
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I’m going to start succeeding to fail because I always succeed at that
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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole cheesecake.
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All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
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Great news everyone! I only have to get out of bed early to go to work for another 25 years!
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I just heard my mouth use "amalgamation" in describing myself to someone in a RL conversation, so pretty sure I can't be on Twitter anymore
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.@ViviVelvette It's OK. I like gritty and slick things.
A true butthead would make that crack, ass.
Scientists: 3.4 billion years ago, the Earth was much cooler. I blame today’s wannabe hipsters.
Hmmm … what’s another word for thesaurus? bit.ly/1AeqJXO #amwriting
My first thought is always “I second that thought.”
You know that online Domino’s Pizza delivery tracker? Only for the hooker that you just called.
I just submitted my book to BookGoodies.com for free exposure! Thanks! @bookgoodies
Helpful Tip of the Day: Make the rules up as you go.
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I'd sell my soul just to never have to listen to you chew again... ...and other romantic things I say to my spouse.
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A court date is still technically a date, right?
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Does this taste desperate to you? *kisses you*
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What’s the point of doing it right in the first place if you always have to redo it?
.@RondaRousey is the reason that I would never try to cop a feel from an unwilling woman.
You need a printed book, too: bit.ly/1A9eXhr #amwriting
The feds funded Homeland Security for another week? There’s goes my opportunity to film The Purge 4 on my cell phone.
My latest release.. Rock Star, the first in a new #Sweet & #Sexy #Romance series smashwords.com/books/view/523… #novelette Please RT!! Thank you!
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I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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.@Sean_POG Hahaha. Kurt loved his unfiltered Pall Malls.
At any given time, 45 million people in the world are drunk. Who would have guessed that so many of them would be on Twitter?
Tennille claims the Captain at his best was barely a petty officer.
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My Husband asked me to wake him up with oral, so I brushed his teeth while he was sleeping this morning.
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My sponsor said I need to get rid of my demons but my demons are my In-Laws, and that sounds illegal.
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The higher your IQ level, the easier it is to resist peer pressure. What? You think I should refrain from tweeting for a while? Oh, OK.
After writing my own personal experiences book, I can vouch for the self-reflection: bit.ly/1DnBHiE #amwriting