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Alan Felyk

1. You start reading articles on how to recognize when your relationship is over. twitter.com/Fact/status/68…
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's not what they say; it's the way they say it: bit.ly/1Z4pacC #amwriting
Don’t live in the past, and don’t live in the future. Just pay the damn rent. #TBTTweet
I would buy a Power Ball ticket, but I don't want to use up all my good luck this early in the year.
I'd hug you but I might accidentally touch your feelings.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
North Korea: *tests nuke* Yep, it worked *tests nuke* Yep, it worked *tests nuke* Yep, it worked *tests nuke* Yep, it worked
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What does a beanie, an infinity scarf and flip flops have in common? Nothing! Change your outfit, you look stupid.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Anytime I start thinking I'm a bad mom I watch pretty much any Dr. Phil show. Then I realize. I'm good. I've got this shit on lock.
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I fill the empty void in my life by feeding another neighborhood cat.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I heard they’re having Steve Harvey announce tonight’s #Powerball winner
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Kim Jong Un thinks he's suprised the world with developing the H bomb. We'd more suprised if he had developed a better fucking haircut.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How long into the first date should I wait to ask him for his passwords?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A Clockwork Orange cinematic aversion therapy scene, but it's me watching An Inconvenient Truth at Whole Foods after asking for a bag.
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My five year plan is... Just kidding! I don't even know what I'm doing right now.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When someone complains that I unfollowed, I imagine hearing them: “Shane. Shane. Come back.” Makes me wish my name was Shane. #TBTTweet
What I learned at the museum today: some strange crap went down during the Paleozoic Era. #TBTTweet
Rules for Writing a Fantasy Novel: bit.ly/1mz9kub #amwriting
When people ask if I like country music, I always ask, “Which country?”
“You’re gonna need a bigger motorboat.” —Famous line from the porn parody of Jaws.
You don’t understand mental health issues. And of ALL people, you should.
<---will eat crackers on your side of the bed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
[First date] Your handbasket to hell or mine?
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What you should expect from your from beta reviewers: on.fb.me/1INKeC3 #amwriting
“All right, already. You’ve won. You can leave now.” —What I tell the thin people at the gym
You are the "dial up internet" of people.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Christmas may be over but at least me and my tree are still lit. #Blessed
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
TT: had to cut the sleeves off my plaid button down bc they were too tight & now I want to wear a bandana & sing Born in the USA.
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I enjoy long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, romantic movies and moderate to light choke fucking.
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It doesn't bother me if the cat watches me have sex, it bothers me when he scores it so low.
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You never signed up for this, but let's be honest, the terms and conditions would've been way over your head anyhow. ~Life
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If I say 'text me when you are on your way,' I am probably masturbating.
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You’re not fully committed to your relationship if you’re wearing a bulletproof vest when she’s PMSing.
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Thus far 2016 is doing little to disprove my theory that only odd-numbered years suck.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I took a chance and followed you. Don't make me regret it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@KrissiBex Forget Johnny Manziel. Cleveland fans want to know if Billy Manziel can chuck the rock. #Browns
Why is an angry drunk not called mean-spirited?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The TV ad that shows dentures under a microscope … Was that taken out of a dog’s mouth after it snacked on turds in the cat box?
OH YEAH! The Monstrous Kickstarter met its goal! But you can still grab your own copy! kickstarter.com/projects/16267…
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't even OWN that many unless you count each sock separately. twitter.com/web_supergirl/…
Because of those Jublia ads, I now wonder how much toenail fungus has graced all of these carpets.
I gotta do positive affirmation or some shit. Or just channel my inner Mexican. Yeah let's go with that.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
10th circle of hell specifically reserved for those that make a full stop at traffic roundabouts.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How to eliminate passive voice in your writing: bit.ly/1Pau0Qh #amwriting
I thought that my refrigerator door had a squeak, but then I realized it was a tiny voice screaming “I’m alive” from the veggie crisper.

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