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Alan Felyk

Coffee is basically a cup of "Get shit done"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Age is just a number until you're dead.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I was feeling too cheerful & optimistic so I went ahead & read some of the comments under news stories on FB. Faith in humanity: destroyed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The cereal is stale. And other things people can make about politics.
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Saying goodbye to a toxic relationship is a wonderful way to say hello to yourself and your self worth.
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I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on Twitter are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I wasn't following you... by the way; reduce the heat when cooking chilli, your tires need air and you should towel off better
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The women at the lingerie store are so dumb, they asked what size my wife is; obviously it's not for my wife, idiot
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Twitter is a giant mental institution, if you take anything here seriously you belong in a real one
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You think I'm going to pursue you? No. That's not how it works.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't need a life coach. I need a life pinch hitter.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Life keeps trying to kill me, and I keep not dying. Strategy or dumb luck? Answer is unclear. Ask again later.
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Give me vodka today and I shall live another day. Drunk as fuck probably, but whatever. ~Ancient Proverb~
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Due to a low budget, the sex tape I made on my bed was filmed on location.
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Apparently, my favorite location to place my keys is somewhere I won't find them when I'm rushing out the house the next morning.
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The best location for your lips is on my lips ...after you pull my panties to the side
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ORAL SEX. Cuz after a hard day at work, my man deserves a hot meal.
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Get in my car baby... I want to drive you crazy.
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I never sent a kid to bed without supper but I did make one or a soccer team load a dishwasher till they got it right.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's not well known, but Lady Gaga is quite the comic. Her next career move will be doing standup comedy .... as Lady Haha.
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A new app called "Hater" pairs people by their mutual distastes. If two Haters find love ( hate ) - and marry- they'll call it hatrimony.
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Famous Patriots : -Patrick Henry ("Give me liberty..") -Paul Revere ("One if by land..") -Tom Brady ("I'm going to Disneyworld")
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Nothing is more crushing than when someone you trusted let you down. It hurts for a long time.
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Sometimes life has a way of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
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Atlanta Falcons : "Well, we've got this game in the bag" Bag: "Meet Tom Brady ..... bwahahaha"
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Top Five Ways for a man to not lose arguments with a woman : 5) 4) 3) 2) 1) Don't ever get into one
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Headline : "Trump Not Welcome in U.K. Parliament" Looks like the Brits won't be having any "tea and Trumpets"
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Some people are like Schrödinger's cat. They'd be better in a sealed box.
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Sometimes we get too emotional at the outcome of an event. Our worth is not determined by a single failure or success. Remember that.
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angina: lack of blood flow to the heart, causing chest pain. mangina: lack of testosterone flow to his groin, eradicating his testicles.
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Being afraid of the dark is understandable. Being afraid of the light makes me wonder what you're hiding.
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My sports bra creaks as I breath in and out ... .... so you see I have 2 big problems here
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Goes to gym ... ... sits on vibrating plate
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Treat her like she's the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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You know that horrible feeling you get after eating an entire pizza by yourself? Yeah me neither.
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Relationship baffles me. Seriously. I mean, how many times a day do girlfriends need to be fed.
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Wasting Time by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats Think of all the time time time time time bit.ly/2kNg1LM
I think the biggest winner after tonight will be Melania Trump who can finally call herself the first lady instead of the third wife.
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With 500 billion pages of porn on the internet, do you honestly think I joined Twitter to stare at your AVI's cleavage?
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I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.
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Armed with a wand full of glitter and a glue gun up an arse. Arse is a fun word for ass, kids.
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I told her I have her back and she said ditto with a thumbs up waiting for approval and together we held a horseshoe crab.
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I see you in your man cave ... *drags you to my bitch cave*
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Twitter has taught me Beards are sexy Yoga pants are sexy Vodka makes you sexy .... please don't try these all at once
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It's easy to sit back and criticize others. It's fun too.
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