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Alan Felyk
All followers aren’t appreciated. Take for example the sheriff’s car that is behind me. #TBTTweet
7h
When I throw a joke up against the wall and it slowly slides down . . . Does that mean it’s going to be enough for you guys? #TBTTweet
My Son's kindergarten teacher said my son lacks focus, so I started laughing really hard and said, "Did you catch Conan last night?"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I learned from my father that jumping to conclusions is a bad idea. Especially if it might not be high enough to get the job done.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You have reached the limit of judging allowed per person per day. To unlock more judging, please load more self-loathing and insecurity.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If your favorite eye color is bloodshot, I'm your girl.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Male comic: "Female comics only joke about periods." Me: "You're right, I have an entire set about punctuation."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Want to manufacture some evidence, baby?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
ABSOLUTELY the hardest thing for a writer to do: bit.ly/1FxyFvH #amwriting
At least with the Mayan calendar in play, we had the end of the world to look forward to.
I’m not following you because I like you. I’m following you so you can’t get behind me.
I’m guessing the difference between eccentric and just crazy is about $10 million.
One hour left! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #Kindle #Book #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
Ending tonight! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #Kindle #Book #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
Sorry I missed your call but I was busy doing the jack off motion at my phone
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
13 Vital Reminders For Writers: bit.ly/1blroCx #amwriting
.@Michellellelly Meet me at a Denver area Del Taco--I'll buy. pic.twitter.com/QysribzLRc
.@web_supergirl That's what I'm talking about!
Average college student spends $900 per year on alcohol. The exceptional student figures out how to add that amount to his/her student loan.
Time is short! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #EBooks #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
I can make you regret following me in 3 tweets or less.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Kids your age used to hunt and kill their own food, so if you can't figure out how to work the vending machine, you don't deserve to eat.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I want that job where I stand around with three other dudes and look down a manhole.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The bus is a great place to meet people that would probably like to wear your skin
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I always hope my dates cancel because watching old reruns of 21 Jump Street and eating SpaghettiOs out of the can is my plan B
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Does this dust on my treadmill make me look fat?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Clock is running! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #EBooks #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
If you’re not willing to kiss her canker sore, it’s not love.
Last Day! Kindle Deal Countdown for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. Buy it for $0.99. #Kindle #EBooks #IndieAuthor #Humor #Memoir
I doubt Vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Predicted baby due dates are accurate just 4% of the time. *Switches to the Weather Channel for something to believe in*
Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Oh fuck off, like you never took a few days off Xx
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Serious question - why do people ask serious questions?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Thanks for keeping your bipolar disorder hidden until I said "I do."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My sex life is like a bed in a fancy hotel. I get turned down every night.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Stop calling Me your "imaginary friend". I'm not your friend.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sad six-word stories that will break your heart: bit.ly/1N0jOJb #amwriting
The only way I’ll take you to the next level is on an elevator.
Sitting by the dock of the bae. We all know where THAT is.
Isn’t it time that we open closed captioning?
Understand your reading audience: bit.ly/1xaoiLq #amwriting
Of course I prove-read my tweets.
.@ViviVelvette You probably have a good point.
.@ViviVelvette Might be easier if you just hand me the whole box.
I'm pretty sure I have lived with only half brain so far, so if the ear pain doesn't stop soon I might chop that part off. Grunt.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@ViviVelvette Oh, no. Don't tell me I slept through it all AGAIN!