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Alan Felyk

I hate when women tweet about their bodies because it's an easy way to get stars It makes my nipples tighten and my vagina clench with rage
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's funny how they become someone you used to know
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
As I age, I find myself pondering the big questions like: Where did I get this bruise? Why did I come in here? Why am I bleeding now?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You're like that tweet I wish I had deleted before it got RT'd.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
pros and cons of pot smoking: wait....wait...i just had it...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
no, no...you must've misheard me. i said i had multiple spasms.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
for the best results, just don't.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You'll never see me coming because I never go anywhere.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Relationship status: I go to Fiverr for all my sex.
always a wannabe, never a has-been.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Fancy a cold one? No thanks, already married.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I had time to figure out how many watts my microwave has, I wouldn’t be trying to nuke a subpar microwaveable meal.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m not blind, but I own a guide dog just so I can keep my eyes shut all day.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I want to join a summer reading program, but just for poorly written instruction manuals that’ll make me lose my shit.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I love 80s music, but really I’ll listen to anything that isn’t my ex-wife.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A list of people who would make better presidential candidates that those running: bit.ly/2999LVG #FF
So, last night. I tried to make a video of me seductively licking the middle of an oreo, got so excited I ate the whole thing. 20 times
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
im sick of numbers defining me. My age, weight, murder convictions, bodies buried in my yard. These things aren't who I am
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Would love it if life would start using lube before giving it to me in the ass
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I refuse to spend a lot on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes, tops.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's "tuck my shirt under my tittays" hot today. Gah
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm forgetful.. My girl is rememberful
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I decided I'm going to be a trapeze artist, trapezes seem really easy to draw.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
He thinks he's a rebel because his ringtone is "Crazy Train." 😈
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I've reached the age where I don't give a shit about matching towels or dishware. It's very freeing.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"is this appropriate for the public?" --me, trying to get dressed --me, trying not to make conversation --me, any time I think
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
No one is more aware of what's going on than the guy who never speaks.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
We're all on the same boat, some of us just have better seats.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sometimes it's just safer to hate the world.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
[Wanted] Male star for adult film shoot. Working title: Little Homebutt On The Prairie *DM for pics of what you'll have to cram up there.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Blade Runner promised us realistic sex robots. You've been cheated. Never forget that.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My ex was kinda like the cable service, he showed up whenever he felt like it despite what he promised and it was usually not my house
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Turns out giving blood wasn’t such a perfect gift, it freaked my sister out for her birthday! Maybe, it will be better for Christmas?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Most of the problems with people, began when they met other people
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Hmm nice Avi. It looked great on the first fifteen accounts that used her pic, too.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Robert Downey Jr is a prime example of how drugs are good for you and make you better looking
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You say one wrong thing to a DIYer about their project and they flip out! Can someone help peel this duct tape off me? Ohhh wait, my hair!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm warped but fun, kinda like that broken teeter totter at the crackhead playground
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Oops...your cat is starting to work its way out of the bag You probably should pick that camel toe wedgie out a bit Okay...good kitty
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I RT your typo then please know that I've already planned our wedding.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Seems to me the jerk off motion would have been a great exercise for the karate kid.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Who cares why these celebs broke up stupid tabloid TV. Who watches this crap anyway. *realized I missed the story and frantically rewinds
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Just attached 4 extension cords to my phone charger so I can use my phone around the house or go outside. I think I'm on to something here.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't mean to judge, but that friend you keep asking questions for, sounds like a moron.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
 
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