I think my meltdown has been going fabulously
I'm hungry for delicious fried food that will make me thinner
Have you ever shocked your therapist to the point where they actually blurt out, "Oh wow!" to your life story?
Is it a coincidence that they still have found the clitasaurus? I think not.
Bro, I'd totally beat you at a Shake Weight battle.
The eye patch and constant scowl give me a somewhat intense look.
You won't know whether to hide your purse or throw your panties at me.
Please don't bring too much baggage, I only allow one carry on.
Ulterior motives? Hidden agenda?
That would imply I have a plan....
Who needs a therapy buddy & a hug?
I haven't worn a toe ring in ten years but, the urge is always there.
Just grab it, smell it, SNATCH a piece, & lick it.
-How to steal delicious funnel cake from a table of rowdy, drunken bikers at a carnival.
There's a place called Colorado.
They say weed is legal there.
I'm looking into it.
Tell ya that much.
I propose having the third debate in Colorado. Fill the room with smoke. Everyone calms down.
I entertain thoughts with mind tricks.
Before it gets weird, let's make it strange.
The key to a good relationship is to never ask a woman about the past, and a man about the future.
Some people cure common cold by drinking tea with honey.
I get better by drinking brandy
with the doctor.
A Twictionary; someone get on that.
Inspirational quote of the day
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
At this point I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing
"Holy fuck, I could totally be President".
I always thought "InstaGram" was an 83 year old female DC superhero.
Twitter is a lot like being on the dance floor with 300 million people. Eventually, you're bound to step on someone's toes.
Menopause should be called the Cantankerous Period.
Reminded me of a Dr Demento song...#UnlikelyAfterSexConversation
Apologies to @SteveKoehler22
for not leaving a space in this tweet ... twitter.com/AlanFelyk/stat…
That's what this party needs--somebody to whip out those tacos. twitter.com/Teutonic_Twat/…
Spinning tacos ... like the windmills of my mind on Tuesdays! twitter.com/WTF_MYOB/statu…
Thank YOU for all the support, dear. twitter.com/ipalatsky/stat…
You know what sucks? When you realize that you have not a speck of cheese left in your house.
If you feel like your golden carriage turned back into a pumpkin ... well, I guess you could say your dreams got “squashed.”
A BIG bear hug for you, dear heart. twitter.com/Sheginger/stat…
A tequila toast to you, MW. twitter.com/MrTimwizard/st…
Telling someone on Twitter that you think he has a big head may result in unwanted DMs.
I know that now.
I'd much rather go hump in the night.
When is my brain and body going to stop telling me to have babies because this is bullshit.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Some things are better left untexted.