If I was Flash, I'd snatch one of my dates fries every time she blinked.
I'm only an Asshole if you're too sensitive.
Everyone's beautiful if you're horny enough.
Getting to heaven sounds like a lot of work. Climbing the stairway. Knocking on the door. I bet hell sends a car.
Bad things also come to those who wait.
I'm trapped in philosophy twitter and Kant get out. I'm Locke'd in. It's all so Confucius. Camus help me? Looking for a place to Heidegger.
The first rule of Fight Children with Diabetes is:
you do not talk about fighting children with diabetes.
Say what you will about people who don't speak English.
Always wonder if your perception is someone else's reality. You might be surprised.
The people I want to subtweet aren't even on Twitter.
The Sugar Hill Gang is not a very intimidating name for a gang.
My daughter is skinning a cat. Or practicing her viola. Hard to tell.
Weave Only Just Begun #MakeASongOrFilmHairy
I admire people who can announce their crazy without saying a word.
Of course I startle easily, life is terrifying.
The name's Bond. Gold Bond. And I'm going to soothe your minor skin irritation
It's the most wonderful time of the year for wool socks and seasonal depression
When I'm at a wine tasting I always rush in and describe the flavor as "oaky" before anyone else gets a chance to.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't
Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing
If I put on my Sketchers... you're getting your ass kicked.
Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds... it's yours to keep.
A State Farm jingle that takes you back to a simpler time in your life, instead.
If you go out of your way to bad mouth somebody to me on here, I will not engage; just like how I don't engage with those who bad mouth you.
I’m ending #TacoTuesdayTestimonial
Don’t be sad.
Because I’m rolling out #TacoTuesdayTribute
to replace it.
Hasta luego, amigos!
I lived in eight different states/countries by the time I was in third grade.
Never meeting a stranger became a way of life.
...And then I said "What if I'm terrible in bed?!"
And we laughed and laughed and laughed...
This wine tastes like I don't have to work in the morning.
I do, but right now, it doesn't matter.
Holy fuck, I'm gonna get high.
Once on an acid trip, I swore I was sitting on a castle rampart in Scotland. I felt the wind on my face. It was glorious.
I miss those days
Just told my 5yr old "the only way you're going to get it is to wiggle it" That's as true in the rest of life as in this case of loose teeth
I don't think that's what killed the cat.
Unless curiosity was disguised as an 18 Wheeler then, yeah, that's about right
There's no panic attack like a "Mom just figured out how to video chat" panic attack
Enough with the Jesus memes, Aunt Linda. If I wanted religion shoved down my throat I'd talk to my mom after her 4th glass of wine.
Some of the parents in this school car rider line really invoke a "hold my car keys and get bail money ready" attitude out of me.
Please, please, please let him keep talking.....Let him keep tweeting...
Let him keep digging this hole.
Aunt Linda said Jesus is with me always.
(I think I upset her when I asked if he stays in the car when I go into the liquor store)
I think we could all use a UFO sighting right about now.
If they ask to see our leader, we can assure them he's totally ok with anal probing
You know, you never see a woman on jeopardy making a duck face when they get her close up.
That's not a coincidence, girls.
Heard a political TV commentator refer to “the very fabric of America.” I’m guessing DACRON®.
I just had @ipalatsky
do the Charleston across my TL. Wow, what a dancer ... and wonderful friend. Follow her--you won't be sorry.
can blow up my RT notifications like she just did, imagine what she might do to yours. Follow this funny lady and find out.
At the rate the world's going why wait for Tuesday?
figured out how to drain my cell phone battery: Keep RTing me till the notifications kill it. A sweet lady--I forgive her.
I am incredibly calm and collected in most situations - just don't step in my pile of dirt while I'm sweeping and nobody gets hurt.
I just want someone to love me like I love breakfast.
You don't have to RT me, I can do that myself.