I hate when women tweet about their bodies because it's an easy way to get stars
It makes my nipples tighten and my vagina clench with rage
It's funny how they become someone you used to know
As I age, I find myself pondering the big questions like:
Where did I get this bruise?
Why did I come in here?
Why am I bleeding now?
You're like that tweet I wish I had deleted before it got RT'd.
Who disinfects the DM rooms?
pros and cons of pot smoking:
wait....wait...i just had it...
no, no...you must've misheard me. i said i had multiple spasms.
for the best results, just don't.
You'll never see me coming because I never go anywhere.
Relationship status: I go to Fiverr for all my sex.
always a wannabe, never a has-been.
Fancy a cold one?
No thanks, already married.
If I had time to figure out how many watts my microwave has, I wouldn’t be trying to nuke a subpar microwaveable meal.
I’m not blind, but I own a guide dog just so I can keep my eyes shut all day.
I want to join a summer reading program, but just for poorly written instruction manuals that’ll make me lose my shit.
I love 80s music, but really I’ll listen to anything that isn’t my ex-wife.
A list of people who would make better presidential candidates that those running: bit.ly/2999LVG #FF
I got cheesecake in my eye
So, last night. I tried to make a video of me seductively licking the middle of an oreo, got so excited I ate the whole thing. 20 times
im sick of numbers defining me. My age, weight, murder convictions, bodies buried in my yard. These things aren't who I am
Would love it if life would start using lube before giving it to me in the ass
I refuse to spend a lot on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes, tops.
It's "tuck my shirt under my tittays" hot today. Gah
I'm forgetful.. My girl is rememberful
I decided I'm going to be a trapeze artist, trapezes seem really easy to draw.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
He thinks he's a rebel because his ringtone is "Crazy Train." 😈
I've reached the age where I don't give a shit about matching towels or dishware. It's very freeing.
"is this appropriate for the public?"
--me, trying to get dressed
--me, trying not to make conversation
--me, any time I think
No one is more aware of what's going on than the guy who never speaks.
We're all on the same boat, some of us just have better seats.
Sometimes it's just safer to hate the world.
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
Male star for adult film shoot.
Little Homebutt On The Prairie
*DM for pics of what you'll have to cram up there.
Blade Runner promised us realistic sex robots.
You've been cheated.
Never forget that.
My ex was kinda like the cable service, he showed up whenever he felt like it despite what he promised and it was usually not my house
Turns out giving blood wasn’t such a perfect gift, it freaked my sister out for her birthday! Maybe, it will be better for Christmas?
Most of the problems with people, began when they met other people
Hmm nice Avi. It looked great on the first fifteen accounts that used her pic, too.
Robert Downey Jr is a prime example of how drugs are good for you and make you better looking
You say one wrong thing to a DIYer about their project and they flip out!
Can someone help peel this duct tape off me?
Ohhh wait, my hair!
I'm warped but fun, kinda like that broken teeter totter at the crackhead playground
Oops...your cat is starting to work its way out of the bag
You probably should pick that camel toe wedgie out a bit
I want magic, not a trick.
If I RT your typo then please know that I've already planned our wedding.
Seems to me the jerk off motion would have been a great exercise for the karate kid.
Who cares why these celebs broke up stupid tabloid TV. Who watches this crap anyway.
*realized I missed the story and frantically rewinds
Just attached 4 extension cords to my phone charger so I can use my phone around the house or go outside. I think I'm on to something here.
I don't mean to judge, but that friend you keep asking questions for, sounds like a moron.