Monday morning monstrosity
It was the perfect time
to lie to me.
*Looks up in the bathroom mirror:
~ I bring him happiness...
*Looks down at the bathroom scale:
~ sooo much happiness...
Woman only needs one
thing to be happy.
It's different every day.
If you missed your chance
to lead an attack, stay behind,
and you might lead a retreat.
stop bullying me with your encouragements.
I'm a regular guy. A pretty face and/or boobs in the AVI will get my attention.
But it's funny, clever tweets that keep my attention.
Sometimes I feel like the story of my life could be written on a bar napkin.
Most often, if I do a format tweet it's more about making fun of format tweets.
*Clinks shot glasses with T* twitter.com/ToDeliciousnes…
*Doffs in ballcap in Larry's direction* twitter.com/LarryCFrancis/…
Those tacos don't look "pikers" to me. twitter.com/Cyd10e/status/…
Might fuck around & hit up the Burger King drive-thru.
Do you think my butt hole needs re-bleaching?
I just sneezed & not one of these fuckfaces blessed me. A pox on their houses!
I don't check work email on my morning commute bc I like to wait until I'm at least in the office to start hating everyone.
The seafood counter in this supermarket smells like rotten fish. Either that, or your Mum & her clapped out vagina are in the store too.
Listen, idk how else to politely say idgaf about your baby
Try asking about her new favorite show, that should just take her a couple seconds to explain
I'm just like you, okay? Super handsome and fit and strong and cool and popular and smart and everybody likes me and I got a GREAT ass and
"I want to be rich in love!" *does jerk off motion*
If I was a lumberjack, I'd tell every girl "you'll know when I'm logged in"
My pillow is my favorite hair stylist.
Happiness is a whole jar of home-grown.
Your avi is stunning however I cannot get past that bat in the cave.
Does life seem hopeless?
Try shaving in the shower without a mirror with a straight blade.
Take down your pants.
Need to flip my shits and giggles ratio. Know what I mean?
I could ramble in 100 characters. Don't think I couldn't.
Time corrupts when all else fails.
Everyone feels their moral code is superior to everyone else's. That shocks some people. I'm occasionally one of those people.
How close to never is later?
He wanted to talk to me about "a high-quality, paperless experience". It just wasn't the right time for me.
What if I forget who I am?
My most hated road is the only road I've ever known.
Friend: That was the most random and stupidest thing ever.
Me: Yep. I'm a genius.
Friend: You're an idiot.
Me: High five?
I'm just gonna follow you around and clean you ok? ~ Dm room *pickup line
A song so beautiful it brings a tear to your eye….I want to be that song
I am not above making an ass of myself just for your amusement
You win some and you sure as shit lose a lot more.
Mom: Tweet about me.
Me: No Mom. Go play on Facebook
Mom: They think I'm funny there
Me: I think you're funny there too
Mom: You're adopted
My mom is standing at the top of the ladder while I fix her roof.
Mom: Highest I've been in ages.
Mom: See? I'm tweetable!
My favorite engaged is disengaged.
Trying to come up with fart tweets.
*eats can of beans..waits*
*waits for inspiration*
*dies of fart inhalation*
*Changes all the letters around on your keyboard*