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Alan Felyk

Feels like I'm missing some major Twitter drama. Grins in triumph.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Why doesn't anyone make a book scented air freshener? Glade, Air Wick, Febreeze... get on it. We want bookstore scented!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just watched The Hateful Eight. Good preparation for a contested GOP convention.
“I’m going to coin a phrase: In God We Trust.” —What the guy at the Denver Mint must say when he pulls the lever.
I'm sorry that Siri responded to a Wolf Blitzer command on TV to send a text telling you to fuck off.
.@ViviVelvette Yes. But they're too far from being major tweets. It's that non-com bias.
.@ViviVelvette They used to be privates.
My ex was such a narcissist that he bought mirrors on the ceiling so he could see himself in me.
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I don’t have a dirty mind - I have a sexy imagination.
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The preying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating – whereas the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
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You say “hospitalisation for a nervous breakdown” I hear “quiet vacation with awesome drugs"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Spank me once, shame on you, spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.
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Things were way better when I only thought I knew everything.
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I can't with these queries. They just keep coming at me. Don't you people check in with QueryTracker? Can't you see I'm 473 days behind?
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Need a new rug under which to sweep life's more irritating shit? Welcome to Twitter.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
And the go fuck yourself ran thick and fast..
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I would rather struggle to carry a 300lb bag alone and break stuff, and knock shit over, than accept help from someone who's pissing me off.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It may be early in the day, but I'm calling it at 11:55 a.m. MDT. Here's the Tweet of the Day.…
.@topaz_kell Well, I had no problem focusing on your points.
Sorry my boobs stared at you the whole time we were talking.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@web_supergirl Ooooh. Well now it makes sense.
.@web_supergirl There was a certain amount of irony in this considering I had to click on the link. Bravo.
.@web_supergirl I've engaged two women, and all of that ended in divorce court.
Be adventurous. Answer an ad on Craigslist, by somebody asking to be paid in Bitcoin.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*** Looks at the crime scene from the afterlife*** *** Thinks, "Geez, am I am fat as the chalk line leads people to believe?"****
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Yup. I also sell my books on craigslist. People who case out houses for burglaries need things to read, too.…
If you want to follow one of Twitter's rising stars, check out the TL of @topaz_kell.*Bows in deference to one of the true queens of humor*
I think that's what Hillary said after Bill left office.…
Thanks what I've been trying to say, Dave. Buy the book, and I'll have money to do things that keep me off Twitter.…
It's like the presidential race. You cast your ballot and then you're screwed for four years.…
I followed Frankie. Somebody tell me that it wasn't a mistake.…
Joy is the most politically incorrect woman on Twitter. Even my nutsack isn't large enough to RT some of her stuff.…
The support for my 99-cent sale has been UNBELIEVABLE!
“Left brain versus right brain?” —Hard choices presented by the doctors that perform lobotomies.
#TacoTuesday Testimonial to those who supported my 99-cent book sale: @alesateague @rogman11 @StellaBraintree @entensive @bookgeek
#TacoTuesday Testimonial to those who supported my 99-cent book sale: @ShoutingGoddess @MomOfTeen @dramacjc @SherryInk @ColoSkyMedia
Damn boy, are you a Veteran applying for his hard earned benefits? 'Cause I'd love to use you and pretend you never existed.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Me: Death by guillotine! Waitress: We apologize for overcooking your steak, I'll take it off your bill. Me: Yeah, no. Death by guillotine.
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Any day can be Monday, if you're manic enough.
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I can hear everything you're mumbling through the duct tape. I love you too.
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Cougar is a MUCH nicer way of saying spinster. God bless modern parlance.
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Remember, it's much easier to see through a window when you're on the darker side..
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I never dislike someone for their feelings. Just their choices.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
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