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Started in 2009
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Alan Felyk

I bet @kimtopher22 got detained by Customs and was sent to my TL in error. Glad she shared my stuff while killing time. She's a sweetie. #FF
I should have ordered the parts I need from China, but they come in reels of 5000. I need 16.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"The stakes are high!" Stakes: "Heyyy, man"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Why do you suppose I have a rubber band in my pocket? Sure it's the first time I've seen it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Chucked hot oil all over the me and the kitchen. What fun! And my bloody mop is still broken.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Space shuttle links up with space station. Space station:"Is that all you've got?"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Not only is Garden one of my long-time Twitter friends, she writes wonderful short-short stories. Don't pass this one up--buy it today. twitter.com/MissSummerland…
What the hell happened to all the buttons at the bottom, fucker? - Me every time Twitter has a new annoying update
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You know what's wrong with people these days? Spending $50,000 on a wedding but not having any alcohol at the reception Fuck your wedding
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My fish died. People are sending me condolences and i'm responding "tank you".
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Ending tonight's writing session with this ... bit.ly/2tVh51r #amwriting
I wanna be somewhere new. Some place far, far away.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Once you land on the creepy list there's no going back.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
That whole " that tweet was for you" bullshit is the oldest trick evahhh.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
But will Bosley grow back my hair that's been lasered off? *points to va-jay-jay*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't need a hashtag to tell me what I already know. This is #MyPetsTwitter
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I am the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
One, Two, Three, Four. I declare a thumb war. *thumb war ensues* Five, Six, Seven, Eight. I use this hand to masturbate.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Twitter: Reminding us that everyday people are far more entertaining than most overpaid celebrities.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I missed Twitter seasons 1-6 so I'm just as confused as you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee? VADER: On the dark side. DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash? VADER: Star bucks.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
it's almost 11 and i'm still wearing my bra? what's wrong with me?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you ever start thinking that you're the biggest fucking dumbass,just remember; there's people out there that call the TV remote a clicker
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I was going to follow you back but after seeing all the sleazy twitter doms you follow, I broke down laughing so hard I just couldn't.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Meet me in the fucking Crypt. Bring rope, a couple shovels and some vodka, we'll make a day of it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Reads between the lines Studies the gaps between words Evaluates the punctuation Tells you what you really meant .. ... Women
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Oh look I don't have any twitter 'moments' to tell a story Oh look neither does anyone else Get my point Twitter ?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Anyone can have a Twitter account ... ... as long as you don't mind being liked, hated, loved and despised all at once
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I'm singing or dancing there is a 100% chance I'm drunk.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm my first car was a used '76 Monte Carlo with a 350 four barrel carb years old.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I had to get off Twitter last night because I kept @'ing people.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I want to nominate the inventor of marijuana chocolates for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Misunderstood when the woman at the bakery said pastries. Now I have donuts stuck on my nipples.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just got a toothbrush stuck in my hair.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I've never had an ex write a song about me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A chestnut is both a type of nut, and a messy sex move.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Have you ever seen how good the steak looks on the package of beef flavor ramen? That's how they get you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Way to make us all look bad, guy buying flowers at the grocery store for no reason. Dick.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I want to ride a giant seahorse. Don't tell me about your problems.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Get in the trunk. We're going to find out your sleep number.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Not to brag, but I can be without my phone for 30 mins. Don't hate.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I want to share my life with you but only the parts where I require assistance.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Stop tweeting. I need to finish this book tonight.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
 
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