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Alan Felyk

It was the perfect time to lie to me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*Looks up in the bathroom mirror: ~ I bring him happiness... *Looks down at the bathroom scale: ~ sooo much happiness...
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Woman only needs one thing to be happy. It's different every day.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you missed your chance to lead an attack, stay behind, and you might lead a retreat.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
stop bullying me with your encouragements.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm a regular guy. A pretty face and/or boobs in the AVI will get my attention. But it's funny, clever tweets that keep my attention.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sometimes I feel like the story of my life could be written on a bar napkin.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Most often, if I do a format tweet it's more about making fun of format tweets. Apparently.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
*Doffs in ballcap in Larry's direction* twitter.com/LarryCFrancis/…
Those tacos don't look "pikers" to me. twitter.com/Cyd10e/status/…
Might fuck around & hit up the Burger King drive-thru.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Do you think my butt hole needs re-bleaching? -Me, flirting.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just sneezed & not one of these fuckfaces blessed me. A pox on their houses!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't check work email on my morning commute bc I like to wait until I'm at least in the office to start hating everyone.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The seafood counter in this supermarket smells like rotten fish. Either that, or your Mum & her clapped out vagina are in the store too.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Listen, idk how else to politely say idgaf about your baby
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Try asking about her new favorite show, that should just take her a couple seconds to explain
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I'm just like you, okay? Super handsome and fit and strong and cool and popular and smart and everybody likes me and I got a GREAT ass and
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
"I want to be rich in love!" *does jerk off motion*
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If I was a lumberjack, I'd tell every girl "you'll know when I'm logged in"
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My pillow is my favorite hair stylist.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Happiness is a whole jar of home-grown.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Your avi is stunning however I cannot get past that bat in the cave.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Does life seem hopeless? Try shaving in the shower without a mirror with a straight blade. ~•> Inspirational.
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Need to flip my shits and giggles ratio. Know what I mean?
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I could ramble in 100 characters. Don't think I couldn't.
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Time corrupts when all else fails.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Everyone feels their moral code is superior to everyone else's. That shocks some people. I'm occasionally one of those people.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
He wanted to talk to me about "a high-quality, paperless experience". It just wasn't the right time for me.
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My most hated road is the only road I've ever known.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Friend: That was the most random and stupidest thing ever. Me: Yep. I'm a genius. Friend: You're an idiot. Me: High five?
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I'm just gonna follow you around and clean you ok? ~ Dm room *pickup line *stalking line
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A song so beautiful it brings a tear to your eye….I want to be that song
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I am not above making an ass of myself just for your amusement
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You win some and you sure as shit lose a lot more.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Mom: Tweet about me. Me: No Mom. Go play on Facebook Mom: They think I'm funny there Me: I think you're funny there too Mom: You're adopted
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My mom is standing at the top of the ladder while I fix her roof. Mom: Highest I've been in ages. Get it? Me: .... Mom: See? I'm tweetable!
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My favorite engaged is disengaged.
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Trying to come up with fart tweets. *eats cabbage..waits* *eats can of beans..waits* *waits for inspiration* *dies of fart inhalation*
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*Changes all the letters around on your keyboard*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
 
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