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Alan Felyk

Your new boyfriend invites you to his family's thanksgiving. DON'T jump up, grab a turkey leg and start gnawing on it. Trust me on this one.
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Your family is gathered around the tv during the holidays- what to watch? A Christmas Story? or Cops?
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Facebook- See Marge baste her turkey. Twitter- See cam girl stick a baster up her butt.
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Advice: (to teen girls) It's the day after thanksgiving...DON'T order anything with pumpkin spice in it. It just ain't cool anymore.
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Today's prayer: May the Lord keep you from getting trampled to death in a Walmart.
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How many light bulbs would it take to change people?
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When you said it was "as crazy as all get out," I wondered just how crazy a get out actually is.
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I licked the last bit of pie off the plate without breaking eye contact.... The dog snorted in derision and walked away.
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I just heard a dandy swing-style remix of 99 Problems so I'm invincible for like the next 18 minutes.
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Yes...I'm a grown man. Yes...I still get very excited if somethin' can glow in the dark.
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If Hallmark movies have taught me anything it's that one day I'll move to some snowy city & fall in love with the hot mayor of Christmastown
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My mom puts the chiroptera feces in batshit crazy.
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<---- wishes she had a crumb trail to follow back to funny twitter. Political twitter is too scary.
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My FedEx guy who was late just said he'd pray for me to find a nice guy and I'm all like, 'just a hard package before noon would be fine'
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Turkey only has about a quarter the amount of tryptophan as egg whites. You fell asleep because you were drunk.
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There'd be 80% more chance of me eating bacon right now if I was in the US. So America has that going for it.
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Can't, thanking God for unanswered prayers. Unrelated, ex got a neck tat of what can only be described as BALLS. So finally, he has a pair.
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Growing old gracefully? There was nothing graceful about my early years, why start now?
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My Raging Hangover, sponsored in part by Smirnoff and our friends at Monster Energy.
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Now I'm "saw a pic of a high school friend and mistook her for her mother she looked so old, OMFG, do I look that old too?!" old, I guess.
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Only 3 more mental breakdowns and it's Christmas. Indeed the most wonderful time of the year.
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I have an amazing pencil skirt & no office job. The only logical thing to do is to slash a set of tires so I can represent myself in court.
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Sorry I always expect the worst, but in my defense, it literally always happens.
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The truth is like a hard slap in the ass with a sheet pan
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The wtf crease between my eyebrows has gotten deeper I just wanted to let y'all know that Carry on
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I achieved my one goal for Thanksgiving, which was not to put on a bra at any point today.
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BURP! Well, glad that's over with. What next? Gilmore Girl tweets? Christmas?
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Remembering fondly the days when my biggest gripe was that Tenille left the Captain.
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There's nothing quite like an elderly white man raging against squirrels.
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that's great, thanks *rage re-folds all the towels*
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I was off today and I legit spent 12 hours on my couch eating, watching movies and now sports. This is why I can't win the lotto
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...the nights were touched with magic when you were here seeing the moon into the room...
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Some people need a NOT-TO-DO list. Seriously.
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My aim is to be supportive... Even to the sadsack at work whose corners of her mouth have not pointed to the heavens since I've known her.
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When they tell you they're a problem solver, before a feeling of relief comes over you at least find out what they consider to be a problem.
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Do you think procrastinators have a very hard time living in the moment and answering simple questions? Hold that thought..be back in a bit.
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I was given a 'perp walk' for eating the last row of Oreos... He claimed there was photographic evidence of cookie crumbs down my cleavage.
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Instead of searching for life on other planets, maybe we should be warning them with a PSA about the volatility of Earth's inhabitants.
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So nice to come here and exchange pleasantries... Because there's no point in demanding a refund. Believe me, I've tried.
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When you have all the answers there's usually some leftovers. If you're in need I've a few random ones to plug holes of your sinking ship.
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I'm having a very useful day where I can't see the forest *or* the trees
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You can have it your way. And I'll be loving it. -Hooking up in a fast food restaurant bathroom.
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Even Oprah Winfrey has turned into a vegan. She just changed her name.... to Okra Winfrey.
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My wife has this cute little saying for me that sounds like an advertising jingle .... "Stop tweeting and start doing"
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Today's the day President Obama was to pardon two turkeys for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately it was canceled. Trump and Pence didn't show up.
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Thanksgiving for the rest of the world comes after Americans stop talking about theirs.
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The five things I'm most thankful for every day : 5) 4) 3) 2) 1) Life
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Thanksgiving today, dranksgiving tomorrow.
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I'll pay for your crazy with my sanity and tell you that it's worth it.
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