I feel bad for all the dyslexic kids writing letters to Satan.
The wife has a pattern of watching Tom Brady, taking a shower, then complaining about lack of pressure from the detachable showerhead.
Breaking: coworker who normally picks his earwax with car keys apparently doesn't discriminate from using pens to do the job.
Calling Uncle Ernie part of our extended family was a nice way of saying he always had something poking through his open zipper.
I refreshed your avi.
It didn’t help.
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?
Ladies, the difference between Prince Charming and Prince Harming? Really, don't you C it?
My pickup line is “Hi, I think this is your latte.” And then I bring up the Constitution, which is being shredded these days
Pays for haircut. Tips for scalp massage.
When I exercise I always choose to run on the street instead of the sidewalk so when a car drives by I can throw myself under it
If ninja means getting this crumb off my screen without accidentally starring your tweet, then yes I'm a ninja.
Erectile dysfunction could be a matter of blood flow. Or that she's as hideous as Jake from State Farm.
It's not you. It's your inability to treat anyone but yourself like a human being.
Sorry you gave me your heart for Christmas and I've already regifted it.
I have 10 minutes left of my lunch to eat my sub, not sure what I'll do with the other nine.
Adulthood is going to the grocery store for a specific item and coming back with a case of beer and no regrets.
Sister Golden Hair was a song about a nun's drapes that didn't match her rug … wasn't it?
Whole Foods Intercom: "If you have a forest green Subaru in the parking lot, your lights are on."
**everyone walks out**
Not getting blind drunk and making out with Meg from accounting at the office party is all I want for Christmas this year.
The Bridge Over Troubled Water has been added to the nation's soon-to-fail infrastructure list.
Not to brag or anything but at one time I had the #1 tweet on twitter. Then..... a second person joined :(
If you're a vulgar, rude, asshole, you're probably my soul mate.
Flick it, lick it and then stick it.
Why is it when you call someone on accident they ALWAYS answer?
"Insert trimmer head into nasal or aural cavity." OK, so I misread "aural." But now it's ready to be bleached.
You don't really know someone until you see them when their coupon doesn't work
"I can't believe you're single! ?" - people who haven't dated me.
You can give yourself an aneurism trying to spell aneurism
I'm "I Can't Tell if They're Advertising a Movie or a Video Game" years old.
Nothing conveys toughness more than a selfie shot from under your chin. Shit, that nose hair scares the hell out of me.
I’m smarter than I look. I say that like it’s a big accomplishment.
Omg! She brought her knitting to the bar. Please don't ever let me get to the point where I bring my knitting to the bar!
Has anybody checked whether Angie's List approves of Twitter? Yeah, I thought so.
I was very popular in high school. All the girls knew me as the guy that would hug you and sniff your neck.
I went to get a brain transplant and I changed my mind.
Don't mind me, just a quarter-life crisis. For the tenth time.
No please go on... this is my totally give a fuck face
Mensa discriminates against morons. So where's the backlash, idiots?
My "I give up" means "I'll be back in three days to try again."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Don't put yourself down. That's what your family is for.
Rosetta Stone, but for language of women
When I type the name of the best sex partner I ever had to create a Pandora station, I get music from the group Uncle Bob Touched Me.
Maybe I did record last nights game without the express written consent of the NFL and maybe I didnt
*peeks out window*
Some days I wake up feeling like a million bucks... Today, I feel more like a food stamp.
Oh, sure, you THINK you love heavy metal. Until you find it in your drinking water.
I'm sorry I sent you that selfie.
Can we go back to you thinking I look like George Clooney?
So, wait we don't tweet naked then?
I thought this was a safe place ..
I get it ladies. I hate getting a slice of limp pizza.
Eat, drink, and be all despairy.