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Alan Felyk
When someone directs me to watch or read something someone else did and it sucks, I don't know who to hate first
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I get so nervous around cops, I'm convinced they know that I never paid all my Blockbuster Video fines.
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I don’t trust joggers – they are always the first ones to find dead bodies.
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I'm pretty sober, but I'm gorgeous drunk.
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Does running away from your problems count as cardio?
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It’s just fine to be passive sometimes: bit.ly/1do5csU #amwriting
There’s a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation in the White House Oval Office? Can’t we put it somewhere more secure than that?
Somewhere, somebody has a dick pic posted courtesy of Google Maps. Where’s Waldo’s nuts?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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We just uncorked the good stuff. So even if the house catches on fire, nobody leaves till we're finished. Is that understood?
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Dance like you have all six Powerball numbers.
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“Listening to the oldies.” —What people who work in nursing homes must say
Imagine an infinite space. Wrong. More space.
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"You have collected an abnormal amount of sausage pictures." - my husband after looking through my phone.
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Hey, before you dash off to do some writing tonight: bit.ly/1Bddzwq #amwriting
Very kind words for my book, Damaged Right Out Of The Box. amzn.to/1FD3NuJ #Book #BookReview #Humor #Memoir #KindleUnlimited
Sloppy handwriting by doctors causes 7,000 deaths anally. Oh, wait, reading from the note I wrote. That’s ANNUALLY.
It is just not safe for alcoholics to be playing on wagons.
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Brushed my teeth, flossed, rinsed with Listerine, had a beer and gargled with gasoline. Can I kiss you NOW after your blowjob?
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Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV so they get the picture.
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You want to get laid, and you want to be selective? C’mon … which is it?
OK. What’s the difference between words to live by or to die for?
I'm not good at grammar but I have an hypotenuse as to why.
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I always go the extra mile, just like the restraining order says.
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After sex, I do this cute little thing where I whisper romantically, "Hey, it's time for you to go."
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The Writing Secrets of 10 Famous Authors: bit.ly/1AkC4wy #amwriting
“I’m not a mourning person.” —What people who laugh in front of coffins at funerals say
Worldwide, 3.9% of all women don’t wear undies. C’mon, ladies. You can do better than that.
UK study: 72% of women prefer a man with a little excess flab. *Starts to book London flight, but remembers “little” is relative term*
*slaps you hard* You're making me smile, we should go ahead and ruin this now.
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Science-fiction writers share a common dread: on.fb.me/1LfzSaG #amwriting
Fortunately, I’m not a mean drunk. I don’t mean anything I say when I’m looped. #TBTTweet
Sad, broken hearted tweets really get me down. Depression is contagious, fuckers.
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I’m exhausted from having too many balls in the air. #Handstand. #TBTTweet
Undercover Boss. I would watch this show if it really was about sex. #TBTTweet
Don't fart on memory foam it never forgets.
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To answer The Who’s musical question entitled “Who Are You,” I offer this: bit.ly/1IGr4wn #amwriting
Could someone just write the best tweet so we can all leave. Thanks.
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Nothing devalues your house quicker than a U.S. drone strike. #RealEstateTips
The place where we bought my mom’s dog years ago is now a Chinese food restaurant
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I think our relationship is finally at that point where I should introduce myself.
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“She’ll never get any pants off from me.” —What heavy-breathing male dogs think when they see an ugly bitch
Would I date @RondaRousey? Why, yes. I need someone who can kick ass on my behalf when the urban riots begin after the apocalypse.
My native tongue is IDGAFanese.
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I'm really hoping that nobody turns up for my 'Claustrophobics Anonymous' meeting tonight.
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I've been married for "discuss refinancing our house during sex" years.
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Here, have an iPad. And they say parenting is hard.
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