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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,200 followers
i have enough bullshit going on in real life... i'm thankfully oblivious to any of it here.
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Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner.
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Being a writer means you can surf porn sites in the name of research. #amwriting amzn.to/1drootb
Some women's eyebrows look like they are sponsored by Nike...#JUSTDOIT
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When opportunity knocks I am always torn between embracing it with open arms or pushing it under a bus and running away screaming. *shrug*
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I can lead you to water, but I can’t make you #drink. *Flushes toilet to create swirls around your head*
USA Today recommended Series, The Seeker. An erotic suspense full of lust, murder and a steamy romance to tickle... fb.me/2guSQQtfy
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My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.
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Just had an "incident" with a big ass locust in the backyard. The locust won. Where are the reality cameras when I need them?
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A text message from my mother that says "call me" is my Pearl Harbor
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Wife: Are you really that stupid? Me: Yes but not enough to file disability. I checked.
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I may be older than I look but my maturity level is: *giggles when someone says "Bangkok"*
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Restless leg syndrome would be relentless if you were a caterpillar.
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If you can make a tube of toothpaste last 3 yrs or you haven't brushed your teeth in 10 yrs You may need a dentist or whatever. I'm no pro.
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I like going to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting on the elevator with me.
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The biggest challenge for #technology soon will become keeping it out of the hands of everyone.
If I die today, post my google history as "cause of death" Blumpkin Goatse Matthew McConaughey fanny pack Pumpkin Spice Oreos One Direction
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Why is there a GPS tracker for my pizza delivery before there's one for my kid's bus?
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An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, but a punch in the face teaches someone to think twice before being an asshole.
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Me: That was fun! Fist me! Him: What?! Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles* Him: .....
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You know you're getting old when you buy cereal based on how many grams of fiber it has, instead of getting it for the toy.
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#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @archerenemy. Wait a minute. *Eyes him suspiciously.* Why does he look like he would be involved in mayhem?
There are things that can’t be discussed for #reasons that can’t be discussed. Those are the things I want to read from you folks on here.
The average person consumes 12 pubic hairs in their fast food every year. Want fries with that?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk