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Alan Felyk
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Someone told me my tweets have become “trashy.” Thanks for the upgrade. Can you do the same for the U.S. credit rating? #TBTTweet
There was a heated political debate at dinner tonight and I was like, Should I add some mistletoe to my header for the holidays or no?
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*Throws drink in bartenders face.* WHY DIDN'T YOU CARD ME?!
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Paul Tomenko doesn't need or want a temptress in his life. But sometimes you have to open the front door.
The voices in my head finally agree on something. Now if I could just get them to tell me what it is.
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Whole Turkey- $24 Peanut oil- $11 Turkey Fryer- $59 Spending Thanksgiving with firemen and insurance adjusters- Priceless
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The closest to sex I'm getting this year is going to the mall and sitting on Santa's lap, telling him what I want and getting arrested.
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Want proof of global warming? How about the fact that the northern polar ice cap has slid south to Buffalo?
STD is also an abbreviation for standard. So it works on two levels when you describe the women you date.
.@TheTealWarrior I'm going to try for a full-out guffaw on the next one. @nettykin
Why are the walking canes always at the BACK of store? If old people could walk that far, they wouldn’t need the damn thing.
.@web_supergirl Keep flying and never grow up. It's a good plan.
.@web_supergirl You're one of the young sweethearts on Twitter. No worries for you.
.@web_supergirl Maybe once a month. But that might require a periodic clean-out of the left ventricle.
.@web_supergirl Yes, indeed. A bacon weave with eggs and peppers. I'm sure my doctor would approve.
.@web_supergirl Mmmm ... I'm calling this a baco.
The purpose of any writing group should be to meet, drink, and plot the takeover of the literate world. But mostly to drink. #amwriting
I always worry the only thing I’ll find at my age in the floral section is a face plant.
I’d like an in-depth conversation with you. You stand in this pre-dug grave and hand me the shovel, would you?
Wearing a push up bra is like going into battle with blanks.
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Blank stare, in the middle of your timeline.
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“Bring blood to a boil, then freeze.” —The recipe for death in the vacuum of deep space.
.@Jack_Herererer Thanks for the trophy. Viva la DMB. @FavstarOfTheDay
.@BeaBonobo Wait for the next communique. Trust no one.
God took some chances when he created humankind. But not like I just did with some of the characters in my book. #amwriting
Tip: If the pic on your computer dating profile includes your hot-smoking daughter, you need to let me know if this is a #TwoFer.
Never turn down a handout. It might be your next reach-around.
Authors should never respond to negative book reviews. Why tip your hand that you’re sitting in the car across the street? #amwriting
It’s not easy loving some women. Especially the ones who carry pepper spray.
Just heard myself ask outloud "Is that temperature in nipples Celsius or nipples Farenheit?" So there's your proof that I took meteorology
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Is it a compliment if I tell you’re not screwed up enough to follow me?
Maybe Twitter's greatest gift to humanity is showing everyday people just how many weird fetishes there are out there.
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.@wes817 No doubt singing "Rock and a Hard Place." @topaz006
.@DrDweezil Thanks! These trophies go to my head. I hit myself in the cranium with them to help me remember things. @FavstarOfTheDay