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Alan Felyk
Readers should notice your humility in your writing. If not, make sure you point it out to them. #amwriting
Apparently for Bill Cosby, every kiss did not begin with ‘Kay.
Piece of chedder bay biscuit in my bra. Save it for later.
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Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot. Santa Claus. Sex. And other things I used to believe existed.
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The only thing I fear becoming is an 'educated fool'
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I'm not a good liar, except when I'm lying to myself. Then, I do it like a pro.
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Met with a police sketch artist. Described you to a tee. Had the sketch framed for you for Christmas. BTW, I'd avoid downtown for a while.
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The Miss Universe Pageant is rigged because like no other planets are even represented.
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If you don’t put me on Twitter list, how the hell will you know when I subtweet bullshit about you?
When it comes to procrastinating, I do it immediately.
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My windshield cleaner has a chemical "known to cause cancer in the state of California". I'm glad I don't live there because that's scary.
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My husband is off for the next 18 days. 18 days of family togetherness. I'm scared. Pray for me.
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“Kids will be kids.” —A cliché that gets my goat
Here’s something that I can’t seem to do well: bit.ly/1qPjFmW #amwriting
Some scientists believe that parallel timelines exist. That must be where the intelligent tweets are being posted. #TBTTweet
When some says “rectify,” I wonder if the word was derived from “rectum.” Solving things by pulling stuff out of your ass. #TBTTweet
Thanks mom for the email IN ALL CAPS telling me a huge winter storm is on it's way the day before I fly to Canada. Anxiety level: DEFCON 18.
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Based on what I tend to stock up on, I'm the type of prepper who is getting ready for a nervous breakdown.
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Osama Bin Laden hid unnoticed in my purse for approximately 5 months
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I wouldn't have been crude if I had gotten anywhere with subtle. I'm sure you understand.
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I'm confused when people are happy to see me.
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I get far more gratification from rubbing my eyeballs in the shower followed by Q-tipping my ear canals than I should.
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People like you make Twitter worthwhile. That and the money people send me through my direct message scams. #TBTTweet
Who knew that Rogen and Franco did The Interview as a prequel to This Is the End? We figured it would be a bomb, but from North Korea?
Calm the fuck down overly judgmental people of the internet. I'm disappointed in me too.
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Some say my tweets have no journalistic integrity. To which I reply. Your Momma.
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I am overly impressed with people who know how to correctly fold a fitted sheet.
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For someone who doesn't believe in marriage, I sure have the body of a married man.
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I don't give a shit what you look like in your half naked selfies but you can be sure I'm judging the fuck out of the mess in the background
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For all the romance writers out there: bit.ly/1Dylk67 #amwriting.
“There’s always someone who believes in you.” —What all unicorns say
I've just been sentenced to 20 years for my part in a timeshare fraud. Luckily I only have to go to prison for 2 weeks every year.
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What exactly is the difference between motivational and inspirational? *either way I'm out*
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I hate being alone but not enough to actually do anything about it. Stranger danger motherfuckers.
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“Would you’d like to go out some time? You know, like great granddaughter and great granddad. Whadda say?” —What old guys in vans say
Russia scrambles to stabilize the ruble. Before it turns to rubble.
If you wonder what dating me is like, imagine taking a squirrel that's amped up on Red Bull to a nut farm.
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Nothing makes you look more suspicious than using your blinker to turn into your own driveway.
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You know what? Fuck it. *crushes up all the Pringles and drinks them*
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I'm thinking 3 hours of Seinfeld Bloopers & Outtakes is probably unhealthy but there's no one to stop me.
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.@web_supergirl I was afraid there would be a picture. And that it would be pink. And staring me in the face.
You might want to peruse this list of words that writers misuse: bit.ly/1BFxLs2. Then we can conversate. #amwriting
Daily publishing of free Kindle books and the best bargain eBooks: ebookpraiser.com via @BookPraiser #amwriting
“I’m loyal to a San Andreas fault.” —What stubborn people in California say
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob. Carry on.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Here’s a list of female followers who, in real life, would let me kiss them on the mouth: