People tend to leave me alone when I walk around pushing an empty stroller.
Potseed and Funzee
- "Happy Daze" characters
Page 487 of The Urban Dictionary
*reads your tweet twice,still doesn't get it, quotes the retweet with an inane comment*
Got my new adult coloring book today. I bought an amazing color by number. Just in case you were wondering how exciting my life is.
People who live close to a good bakery should have nothing to complain about.
*writes AF in the end*
Sorry, you're not my typo.
There's still no eating-in-bed emoji.
Marriage: because apparently, there's a right kind of crazy.
“I love you.” —Something that people say until they don’t.
I wish there were a duct tape emoji. Someone get on that.
Shut the door, drop ur pants, climb on top and satisfy your needs
I need to stop sniffing my finger when I leave that gas stations bathroom, I just really like how that soap smells.
The water pressure in my shower was terrible this morning. It felt like four guys peeing on me and one of them really wasn't into it.
When I'm sad my dog licks my face because she can't hold a boombox outside my window.
[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]
Ninja Throwing Stars are just angry Post-it notes.
Most of my friends are getting married and having kids and I'm still giving head in cars.
I just had the best idea for a reality show.
I call it "Catswap".
Cat people swap cats for a week.
sorry but my husband won't let me pick up hitchhikers I mutter every time I drive by hitchhikers
People in NY who order Domino's Pizza are monsters.
I wanted to trade lives with my dog until I realized she can't hold a vibrator.
Oh no, tell me more about your podcast. *rolls eyes forever*
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I put the ordinary in extraordinary.
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
You mean your couch and the internet??
I've never been too depressed to eat.
I used to write tweets about a weird stoner dog, but they just laid there and did impressions of Homer Simpson.
Misery doesn't love company. It just needs a hug from a loved one, then wrapped in a blanket, and brought a bowl of chicken soup & crackers.
any time spent away from a clock is time well spent
I'm "feels crippled after a night of dancing" years old.
I was molested my a group of lesbians last night. I'm not gonna lie, it was a highlight of the evening.
Listen to Van Morrison with me and spank me when I'm being an asshole.
I'm not really caring now. I'm just sort of fake caring in case I feel like real caring again later.
When you get enough followers your trolls just fight with each other.
He's not speaking to me and I hadn't noticed... Happy days
My only plan is to stay drunk for 24 hours straight.
I've earned it.
FACT: Your ability to succeed in the world decreases by 50% with each missing tooth.
Empty, broken promises are like broken condoms.
Once you break them you're fucked ....
*waits forever for people to understand my sense of humour*
Daughter: Why don't your curl your eyelashes?
-I used to, but I'm not a whore anymore.
When company comes over I throw a bunch of empty Tupperware bowls w/ lids on them in the fridge to make it look like I have my shit together
🎤 sunshine on my shoulders gives me freckles
I will have a giant pot of beet water that is begging to dye something pink. And I can't figure out what that should be. Life is hard.
Just watched 12 different porn gifs and not a single fuck was given. I'm officially useless.
*Cars drive down my street*
Me: Can you not?