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Alan Felyk

They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, "Actually, that just went up 500%."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
(in voice that sounds like I've been crying for 2 days) yeah, well I don't care that I lost at Monopoly
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I think the most important thing I'm looking for in a relationship is someone who is a lasagna.
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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Ended tonight's writing session listening to this: bit.ly/2udhD3j #amwriting Damaged And No Longer Under Warranty
Whatever. At least my toes look pretty today.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I can't stand your tweets anymore.. Me: Shut up, Mirror.
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Was married 20 years and never made sex tape. He was done before I could even press record
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You left me no choice but to follow you. You said you associate with the worst elements on Twitter. Now you don’t have to lie about it.
*runs away* *runs back* *grabs dog* *runs away*
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Just cuz I'm wearing flip flops doesn't mean my followers aren't well heeled
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If overthinking a tweet persists longer than 4 hours, seek medical advice and delete your account.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Me working as the school librarian: "I could get so much more work done here if this place wasn't full of kids".
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Anybody else think the Russians are killing off 90's grunge stars? I'm almost certain...
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I'm not morbid. I've always wanted to name my dogs Ted, Jeffery, and Zodiac.
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How many times I read Fifty Shades of Grey is none of your business.
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H: I'm the hottest chick here! M: Girl, you be tripping. Also me: Sticks foot out, and knocks the narcissistic bitch down the stairs.
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I'm not saying you deserve to die a slow, painful, agonizing, embarrassing death. I'm just saying that some would likely applaud.
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Show me where & how they touched you. No, no. Not on the doll. *Me, as a therapist.
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Have you ever just wanted to exorcise someone from your soul. Because that's the only way you can ever be free of them.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Music soothes a weary soul. But tonight it's just a jumble of melodic torture.
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Good tweets are like a fancy, expensive meal. Mine are fast food, on the value menu. Kinda greasy and might make you sick later.
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Each time i come home from an overnight business trip my bed is damp and sticky. Girlfriend says its from her missing me tears.Oh I love her
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Only a couple things in life better than sex. My boat is in the shop, and watermelons are out of season. So.......
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I have serious concerns with companies that do not know their ABC's. Have you ever wondered about B size batteries?
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I love having a good beard day. Kinda makes up for the rest of this rolling shit-show
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Almost time to close up shop for the week and head home. There's about a 96% chance alcohol is in my very near future....lots of alcohol.
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A Willie song, followed by Snoop, then Beasties, Nugent, Merle, Metallica, then Strait....weird as it seems, it all fits perfect.
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That looks like it needs fertilized. ~ me about everything
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So I guess that means no? - I said from on my knees while clutching my groin
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
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I just won $8.00 on Powerball quick pick Suck it losers
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#QuestionsIHaveForSongs if I was high cocaine how did get this job , Signed Casey Jones
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#QuestionsIHaveForSongs do I really need to take the stairs I would prefer an escalating device like moving stairs?
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My idea of drinking responsibly is checking my bank card balance before I go out.
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You're about as useful as a lock on a screen door.
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I learned everything I know about flirting from Slingblade.
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I hate it when there is no toilet paper in the restroom at Waffle House & I have to yell until someone brings me some coffee filters.
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I don't know- I woke up wild again. I like it.
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Let's see. Pocket protector. Pens. Highlighters. You going back to school? I'm going to a nerd bar. At 10 a.m.? It's a nerd bar, Karen!
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When I was a kid, smoking was allowed in school. Cigarettes had vitamins. X-rays were healthy. Lunch was a big plateful of asbestos.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
[1st Day of School] Me AM: I'm going to start studying now, no slacking Me PM: Only 1st day, I'll start tomorrow. Me mid year: Failing.
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I didn't like school then and I like it even less now that my kids are going... because now I care.
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My back to school shopping consists of lots of wine and a High School for Dummies 2017 book to help them with their homework.
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My favourite school memory? Once during sex ed the teacher said 'some of you won't ever need to know this' and everyone turned to look at me
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I've no idea why I was fired as a math teacher. I always gave 110%
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