Your retort of "Ya think?" was so delicate, so dexterous, I was caught off guard.
Was your dissertation on Quintilian or St. Augustine?
No, I wasn't going to re-watch another Brady Bunch, but then I saw it was the Davy Jones episode, and I had no choice.
I'm always one poorly attached loop away from a bathing suit malfunction.
H: I'm skittish about anything sexual. It doesn't take much for disgusting pervs to pounce.
M: Hahaha! I AM one of those disgusting pervs!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The loud fucker at the community pool just drowned. Well, not yet, but I'm putting my shoes on.
Stood in my neighbor's back yard today and looked over the fence. I gotta tell ya that it's not true, the grass is not always greener.
Gary Johnson doesn`t know what Aleppo is, because he probably doesn`t own a dog.
When it comes to spelling, a smartphone is only as smart as
...She Rted me first..
"...yea well, fuck you too." - is what I said to my cat, because I know that's what he said with his eyes to me when I walked in the room.
...don't ask me, I just tweet here.
I have no idea why you are all tweeting about picnics, but I refuse to use that word in a tweet.
I could be on time, but I'd rather be late so I'm not forced to make small talk before starting work.
If I retweet you, it means I think you’re funnier than me. And that I hate your guts for it.
Maybe somewhere out there in a secret government lab a little baby pig is flapping it's wings for the first time. You don't know.
Pretty stoked about this dirty diaper I parked on right after washing my car.
It's not that I can't walk and chew gum and walk at the same time. It's just that most of the time it seems really hard and I'm lazy.
I say "WTF is wrong with you?!?" to myself way too often.
How many times are you going to fall into the toilet, before you learn to look first.
I thought my boss's were ball busting self righteous jerks, and it couldn't get worse. This is til I decided to be a stay at home parent.
My give a damn gets less every year. So one of these days , I expect to look in the mirror and see Walter Matthau.
Clothes are such a waste of money.
Carpet filtered then coffee filtered Jack Daniels is pretty good.
Just SO thankful the half bottle broke right on the kitchen mat.
1983 "Would you like to play a game?"
2016 The dumbing down of America is almost complete.
83 & Now" The only winning move is not to play"
So many inside jokes.
So little time to even try or want to figure them out.
I’m “I’m too old for this shit” years old.
Had some great sex with my gal, before the arguing and shit show started. It was the clam before the storm.
Whatever, people that have time to stop on the way to work..
Grandparents in 1980:
I had to walk 3 miles through snow to get to school.
Grandparents in 2040:
I had to untangle my earphones daily.
Stop blocking my advances. It makes you look fat.
Me:*opening beer with my debit card* Im glad I've grown out of my old childish ways
Wife: Are u 12?
M: *covering ears* LALALA CAN'T HEAR U
A game of peekaboo so intense everyone disappears.
I chase my dreams until they break.
I can't picture myself in the right frame of mind.
If I give you a dirty look, it's because I'm too lazy to clean it.
I want to care but right now all I really want is a spring roll.
So lovely Twitter ...
Little break for me ...
A beach awaits
Sometimes you have to see something that will knock your rose coloured spectacles off ...
... Even though you wish you hadn't
Realtor: So it has 2 batrooms -
Buyer: Don't you mean "bathrooms"?
*closing door on room filled with like 1000 bats*
R: Haha. Of course.
I'm for the wall if it keeps turkey bacon from crossing our borders.
I'm always confusing my fantasy Pornhub team and my fantasy football team, but Santa is the tight end on both.
Schrodinger: I'd like to buy another cat please.
Clerk: I know it's you.
S: *adjusting fake moustache* Maybe, maybe not.
Ok, I'll correct my dog and how about you not have 15 cats in your driveway waiting for the "Hoarders" crew to arrive.
"So many hipsters."
"Those are Amish people, Karen."
The only secrets to longevity I want to hear are from the 120 year old guy who drinks a fifth of Jack Daniels every day and eats meat.
Pin a tweet for god's sake. What are you, some kind of savage?
If you would just answer me I wouldn't keep texting
When I see a big guy walking a little dog I always wonder where his wife is.
If you read a better tweet than this today, I suggest you frame it. Brilliance from the lovely @ipalatsky