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Alan Barns
It has been so hot here that the cows have been giving evaporated milk.
8 ton Orca jumping 15ft out of the water
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Ugliness is in the eye of the beholder
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Why should I quit.....When I can just give up trying instead?
The only thing that I can afford to buy right now....Is something that is totally free
I would never lend any money to a complete stranger....Unless that complete stranger had been a friend of mine for the past 10 years
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If someone is going to lie to me....Then they should at least be honest about it
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“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today” —Groucho Marx
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The perfect moment....Always seems to happen at the worst possible time
RT @Funny1_Liners: Even in my own little world....No one can get along with me
“Ideas are like fish. If you want to catch little fish, you can stay in the shallow water"
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It's better to wear out than rust out.
At my age the next time I go to see a Doctor....It will probably be for an autopsy
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
RT @Funny1OneLiners: The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?
Why do people worry about getting older? - As someone said to me recently : "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long.
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If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.
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RT @OneJohnMitchell: Most people die at home. That’s why I stay out so much
Murphy's wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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Do it now or today will be the yesterday that you are regretting tomorrow
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I was asked the other day what I thought about Euthanasia? I said I think we should look after our own youth and kids here first!
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Confucius, he say,: Man who leap of cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius, he say,: Man who sleeps on bed of nails is holy.
RT @OneJohnMitchell: I realize now that it is unlikely that I will ever be old enough to know bette
If you ask the questions then you need to be prepared to hear the answers ;)
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Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
And it’s a new dawn. Not sure what we would do if it was a used one
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Confucius, he say,: Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Old cashiers never die, the just cash out.
Before I speak......I have several important things to say
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Confucius, he say,: Man who eats biscuits in bed wake up feeling crummy.
Welcome To The UK: Father And Child Stroll Past Big Ben With ISIS Flags… via @weaselzippers
THE MEANING OF LIFE - in 13 words . . . “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened”
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Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
My sister update. Still with us! That, in itself, is surprising. Thank you for your response. Your prayers/best wishes much appreciated.
"One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Do it now." - Paulo Coelho
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It’s not love. It’s fear that makes us want to hold onto life. The fear of losing what we love
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“You’re only as young as the last time you changed your mind” –Timothy Leary
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Life is a mobile home. It is meant to be driven. Not parked forever in one place
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Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.
When native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land
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Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.
For some people, there's no point in behaving like an idiot. It's just as easy for them to be the real thing
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From wonder into wonder existence opens. Lao Tzu
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Thanks to those of you responding to "my sister" tweet. Still on machine & holding on to life.. Thank you once again.

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