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Will Rogers: "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
Abraham Lincoln: "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
F. Scott Fitzgerald: "First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you."
Vince Lombardi: "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
Logan Pearsall Smith: "People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
Dave Barry: "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
Bob Hope: "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
Woody Allen: "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
Franklin P. Jones: "Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job."
Bette Davis: "I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair."
George Carlin: "Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
Wernher von Braun: "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
Saul Bellow: "When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
Phyllis Diller: "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Jerome K. Jerome: "What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise."
Samuel Goldwyn: "Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
George Burns: "At my age flowers scare me."
Charles Kettering: "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there."
Rodney Dangerfield: "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Billie Holiday: "Sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose."
Rodney Dangerfield: "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Pablo Picasso: "The older you get the stronger the wind gets - and it's always in your face."
J. B. Priestley: "She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years."
Jackie Kennedy: "A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane."
Sylvia Plath: "There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them."
Robert Frost: "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
Prince Philip: "When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
Christopher Morley: "We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up."
Steven Wright: "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Nothing is as obnoxious as other people's luck."
Fran Lebowitz: "My favorite animal is steak."
Jean Giraudoux: "Only the mediocre are always at their best."
George Bernard Shaw: "I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
Wilson Mizner: "Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."
Jimmy Buffett: "Indecision may or may not be my problem."
Groucho Marx: "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
Laurence J. Peter: "It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week."
Mae West: "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
Arthur C. Clarke: "The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
Samuel Goldwyn: "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
Dale Carnegie: "Applause is a receipt, not a bill."
Joan Rivers: "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
Erma Bombeck: "Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
Robert Benchley: "The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
Helen Rowland: "In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued."
Carrie Fisher: "Instant gratification takes too long."
Sean O'Casey: "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
Ernie Banks: "I like my players to be married and in debt. That's the way you motivate them."
Spike Milligan: "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
Kin Hubbard: "A good listener is usually thinking about something else."
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