Tom Cotter

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Hey Jersey Girls & Jersey Boys (and non-binary Jersey folks) Gobble this...I'll be @StressFactoryNJ in New Brunswick, Nov 25 & 26. Let's talk Turkey.
This Saturday,Nov. 12, I'll be slinging punchlines at @CDandME in Frankfort, IL. cdandme.co/comedy-night
I’m sorry but can some entertainment service provider please do a special for @TomCotterComic please I am dying laughing right now
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
My son dressed up like me tonight and nobody gave him candy. #Halloween2022 #TrickorTreat
This Halloween we are handing out Sweet-Tarts that look like Fentanyl. #Halloween
If you are near Frankfort, IL on Nov. 12th, come laugh at me @CDandME simpletix.com/e/tom-cotter-c…
Finally some street justice for these porch pirates 😏�qt
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
October is #BreastCancerAwarenessMonth This Saturday it's the @Pawsitively4 "Rhythm For Ribbons" event at @PolarPark in Worcester! All day music and comedy with your host @TomCotterComic! Check out @MikeHsuAAF's interview with Tom here: pikefm.com/2022/10/14/pik…
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
When you buy condoms at the Dollar Store, they should come with a coupon for @Pampers #fatherhood #budgeting
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you hurl them at his face and groin. #Doctober #Health #Autumn
If I get the shingles vaccine, will I ever need a new roof? Asking for a friend (who smokes a lot of pot).
TUNE IN! We'll check in with comedian @TomCotterComic about being the MC at this year's @Pawsitively4 "Rhythm For Ribbons" at @PolarPark on Oct. 22. Ask your smart speaker to play 100 FM The Pike or listen on the Pike App! polarpark.com/upcoming-events
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
Why aren’t “Butt Dial” and “Booty Call” synonymous? They sound like the exact same thing?
I’ve done alot of soul searching lately, and I still can’t find it. I’m not sure I have one.
Last nights @NFLonPrime was so bad that both the @Broncos and @Colts should be sent to the glue factory. #NFL
Some guy just tried to sell me a casket. I informed him that I’ll be traveling to the afterlife in a hand-basket. #nothankyou #Death
I spent an hour in the yard today picking up poop…We have got to get our toilet fixed ASAP.
I said to my morbidly obese nephew, “ignore the bullies and fat-shamers…you’re bigger than that”. Tonight I'm a Cellar Dweller @ComedyCellarUSA #NYC
Tomorrow is a big day. I’m getting my Chia Pet neutered.
Proof that violent crime is up in NYC... Daniel Jones has been violently assaulted and abused countless times tonight. @NFL_MNF @espn twitter.com/ESPNStatsInfo/…
Last week I ran into an X-girlfriend. She was in the middle of the crosswalk, so it was really easy. #Karma #revenge
My grandfather told me “If you want to be happily married, marry your best friend”, which is terrible advice, because it is illegal to marry a Golden Retriever in most states…(what the hell Kentucky?) #marriage #advice
My older brother left a deep impression on me…right above my left ear…it was a hockey stick.#familyfun
I used to think that the onion was the only vegetable that can make you cry, until my wife jammed a carrot in my ear canal. @KerriLouiseLaff #abuser #ouch
Hey @ChipotleTweets in Nanuet, NY…How are you constantly out of peppers and onions? How is that possible? There is a supermarket across the street. Mexican food without peppers and onions is like The Rolling Stones without Mick & Keith.#Chipotle #FastFood #DoBetter
Magnificent send off for Queen Elizabeth II #queensfuneral #QueenElizabethII
My @Apple Watch reminds me when “It’s time to stand”…It’s time to walk”…It’s time to breath". I’m wearing a Wrist Nag……It’s time to get a new watch.
I appreciate the thought, but @TomCottonAR is a @Harvard Law grad and a sitting US Senator and I tell jokes to drunks for a living. twitter.com/GrayGeek401/st…
Moron sitting behind me having obnoxiously loud phone conversation into his Apple Watch like he is "Dick Tracy" minus the Tracy.
Hey Massholes, This weekend I’m at @roarcomedy at the @MGMSpringfield MA.
This weekend, Sept 9 & 10, I'm telling extremely funny jokes @roarcomedy @MGMSpringfield ...Attendance is mandatory (& womandatory...& Transitory).
If I was the President, I would require a license to wear yoga pants, and that license could be revoked at any time.
This funny dude was in my wedding, and I STILL like him. Check out his free [email protected]
Today, Facebook suggested that I follow Kim Kardashian, but that would violate the restraining order. #confused
In our happy place for 2 shows @whiteherontheatre @nantucketcomedy instagram.com/p/Chu9-CTgaTr/…
Tonight and tomorrow evening! Don't miss @TomCotterComic taking the @nantucketstage stage, and beat us there to watch @KerriLouiseLaff open! Need tickets? Head to the link in our bio ASAP 🎟 #Nantuckett#Summernightss#WhiteHeronTheatree#TomCotterr#KerriLouisee#ComedyShowwS
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
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