Tom Cotter

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Hey Jersey Girls & Jersey Boys (and non-binary Jersey folks) Gobble this...I'll be @StressFactoryNJ in New Brunswick, Nov 25 & 26. Let's talk Turkey.
This Saturday,Nov. 12, I'll be slinging punchlines at @CDandME in Frankfort, IL.
I’m sorry but can some entertainment service provider please do a special for @TomCotterComic please I am dying laughing right now
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
My son dressed up like me tonight and nobody gave him candy. #Halloween2022 #TrickorTreat
This Halloween we are handing out Sweet-Tarts that look like Fentanyl. #Halloween
If you are near Frankfort, IL on Nov. 12th, come laugh at me @CDandME…
Finally some street justice for these porch pirates 😏�qt
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
October is #BreastCancerAwarenessMonth This Saturday it's the @Pawsitively4 "Rhythm For Ribbons" event at @PolarPark in Worcester! All day music and comedy with your host @TomCotterComic! Check out @MikeHsuAAF's interview with Tom here:…
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
When you buy condoms at the Dollar Store, they should come with a coupon for @Pampers #fatherhood #budgeting
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you hurl them at his face and groin. #Doctober #Health #Autumn
If I get the shingles vaccine, will I ever need a new roof? Asking for a friend (who smokes a lot of pot).
TUNE IN! We'll check in with comedian @TomCotterComic about being the MC at this year's @Pawsitively4 "Rhythm For Ribbons" at @PolarPark on Oct. 22. Ask your smart speaker to play 100 FM The Pike or listen on the Pike App!
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
Why aren’t “Butt Dial” and “Booty Call” synonymous? They sound like the exact same thing?
I’ve done alot of soul searching lately, and I still can’t find it. I’m not sure I have one.
Last nights @NFLonPrime was so bad that both the @Broncos and @Colts should be sent to the glue factory. #NFL
Some guy just tried to sell me a casket. I informed him that I’ll be traveling to the afterlife in a hand-basket. #nothankyou #Death
I spent an hour in the yard today picking up poop…We have got to get our toilet fixed ASAP.
I said to my morbidly obese nephew, “ignore the bullies and fat-shamers…you’re bigger than that”. Tonight I'm a Cellar Dweller @ComedyCellarUSA #NYC
Tomorrow is a big day. I’m getting my Chia Pet neutered.
Proof that violent crime is up in NYC... Daniel Jones has been violently assaulted and abused countless times tonight. @NFL_MNF @espn…
Last week I ran into an X-girlfriend. She was in the middle of the crosswalk, so it was really easy. #Karma #revenge
My grandfather told me “If you want to be happily married, marry your best friend”, which is terrible advice, because it is illegal to marry a Golden Retriever in most states…(what the hell Kentucky?) #marriage #advice
My older brother left a deep impression on me…right above my left ear…it was a hockey stick.#familyfun
I used to think that the onion was the only vegetable that can make you cry, until my wife jammed a carrot in my ear canal. @KerriLouiseLaff #abuser #ouch
Hey @ChipotleTweets in Nanuet, NY…How are you constantly out of peppers and onions? How is that possible? There is a supermarket across the street. Mexican food without peppers and onions is like The Rolling Stones without Mick & Keith.#Chipotle #FastFood #DoBetter
Magnificent send off for Queen Elizabeth II #queensfuneral #QueenElizabethII
My @Apple Watch reminds me when “It’s time to stand”…It’s time to walk”…It’s time to breath". I’m wearing a Wrist Nag……It’s time to get a new watch.
I appreciate the thought, but @TomCottonAR is a @Harvard Law grad and a sitting US Senator and I tell jokes to drunks for a living.…
Moron sitting behind me having obnoxiously loud phone conversation into his Apple Watch like he is "Dick Tracy" minus the Tracy.
Hey Massholes, This weekend I’m at @roarcomedy at the @MGMSpringfield MA.
This weekend, Sept 9 & 10, I'm telling extremely funny jokes @roarcomedy @MGMSpringfield ...Attendance is mandatory (& womandatory...& Transitory).
If I was the President, I would require a license to wear yoga pants, and that license could be revoked at any time.
This funny dude was in my wedding, and I STILL like him. Check out his free [email protected]
Today, Facebook suggested that I follow Kim Kardashian, but that would violate the restraining order. #confused
In our happy place for 2 shows @whiteherontheatre @nantucketcomedy…
Tonight and tomorrow evening! Don't miss @TomCotterComic taking the @nantucketstage stage, and beat us there to watch @KerriLouiseLaff open! Need tickets? Head to the link in our bio ASAP 🎟 #Nantuckett#Summernightss#WhiteHeronTheatree#TomCotterr#KerriLouisee#ComedyShowwS
Retweeted by Tom Cotter
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