This will make you want to cut your kid’s food up until they’re 10. At least.
Sorry I tripped over your expectations of me.
My wife just said, "No, I don't want pizza tonight. We had pizza last weekend." She doesn't know I've had pizza 3 times since last weekend.
If one more person cuts me off today, I’m going to sit in my car, silently, and curse them in my head.
I’ve had it up to HERE with you not helping around the house. Now, go get your toothbrush so Mommy can squeeze some more toothpaste on it.
Baby Found Alive on the Side of Interstate ow.ly/F8mi30fsGp5
New iOS software released. See you next Friday! 🤗
The latest Cool Moms & Dads on Twittah! paper.li/MsShrinkxHIPS/…
Thanks to @sassypiehole #ad #parenting
Let Them Grow: What It Really Feels Like To Miss Your Child’s Firsts shar.es/1VmHha
via @sassypiehole #momlife
Make slutty pics seem inspirational by hashtagging fitness.
My blood alcohol level has been higher than your IQ.
School fundraiser idea:
Cash bar at parent-teacher conferences.
I just want to be fit enough that my arms don't get tired while shampooing my hair in the shower
My awkward silences are just warmup for my awkward conversations.
A bra? At school drop off? What are you, some sort of celebrity?
Don't get me wrong, I love my 3-year-old. It's just that sometimes I'm pretty sure he needs an exorcism.
No man is an island. No woman is a peninsula. No baby is a volcano. Long story short, no person is a landform.
Mom's 'Hug Button' Is the Perfect Solution for Kids With Anxiety via @momdotme ow.ly/G9iG30fl7tb
I gave my kid an allowance to teach her the value of a dollar. She just handed me an expense report.
I'm sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn't really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: truth or dare
Me: pay off my student loans
We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Braided my hair so tight I woke up at Burning Man
Not to brag, but I can turn a sip into a bender.
MCDONALD'S MANAGER: Can I help you sir?
ME: This Happy Meal didn't work.
The Snapchat puppy filter is like the new mom jeans.
Friend: "Having children is the most amazing blessing."
Me, suddenly aware that I might have toddler shit on my dress: "Totally."
I'm the only goth in this pta meeting.
Woman Threatens to Get an Abortion and Twitter Responds (meanwhile, I'm still on my 1st cup of coffee) ow.ly/E72430eMWf5
I spend 90% of my day looking for shit.
Literally, just standing there looking for shit.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid "falls" down a well.
Just once I'd like to be as happy as a dog with a stick.
I don't care what my children grow up to be so long as they grow up to be not living in this house at age 32.
It disturbs me how often I swear at inanimate objects.
No wonder I have trust issues: Day Care Worker Caught Duct-Taping Toddler to Chair ow.ly/z0EX30eFfDd
doing stuff that isn't sleeping is hard
You know what they say: Happy wife, less likely she is to kill you in your sleep.
wife: What sounds good?
me: A blow job
waitress: I'll give you a couple more minutes
The kids are squishing bread into balls and popping them into the toaster oven to make "toast balls" and when the fuck does school start
I've got 99 meal options but my kid hates every one.
I just walked past a Lilly Pulitzer and burst into flames.
Out of all the punctuation in the world, why did we agree to call them periods?
I like to have my cake and eat it too.
I'd also like to have your cake.
Might do yoga, might cut a bitch. I can't decide.
The truth shall set you curled up in the fetal position.
Holding your pinky up whilst keying your man's car shows you may be crazy, but you're still a fucking lady.
Man I miss the days when I was angry for stupid reasons
, your customer service sucks. I have been on hold for over 30 min and cannot track order on your website. WTH
I TOLD you so!! Actual Proof Moms Get Less Sleep Than Everyone Else ow.ly/o75g30emr2Z
It's like Siri on steroids! Getting in the Mood Has Never Been More Efficient for Parents via @momdotme ow.ly/lCdy30elK6j