I think I'm a good person until I get into traffic each day, where I learn the truth about myself
Nothing gets me out of bed faster or more reliably every day than the financial pressure that comes included standard with Student Debt™
Looking for a sense of purpose lately?
Why not try some student loans?
Me: Bitcoin (secure, transparent, honest)
You: Wells Fargo (fraudulent, deceptive, criminal)
Just when I thought this format was dead
President emerges from solid gold elevator to recite first paragraph of the Wikipedia page for "hurricane", mispronounces weather as weether
In my early internet days, people used the acronym IWBG-"I will be good," as in, they had a smartass remark but will refrain from using it.
TSA Agent: "is a PowerBar a liquid or a solid?"
In the end, the real winner was friendship
republicans (dumb, oafish): forever war is good
democrats (refined, intelligent): forever war is good
Sexy singles in your area built a vibrant culture. But they vanished overnight, leaving monuments half-finished, tools abandoned in the dirt
ok last one
WOO BIG FIGHT TONIGHT
GONNA WATCH TWO HUMAN MEN TOTALLY BRUTALIZE EACH OTHER FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT
WHATEVER KEEPS THE DARKNESS AT BAY BABY
Sure, the cancer was aggressive. But the chemotherapy was also very aggressive. There was aggression on both sides
Remember when people got mad that Michelle Obama said kids should eat a vegetable?
Honestly, who can say who’s right, the armed men screaming about jews or the people who aren’t doing that
nominally subversive but ultimately boring
Bespoke torch artisans in a new cottage industry
Think about it
When was the last time you even bought a torch
If you dont realize that the marches were propagated by the Big Tiki Industry to sell more torches you're clearly not as woke as you thought
These are literally young UVA students age 17-23 standing up to a sea of white supremacists and neo-Nazis surrounding them #Charlottesville
Yea I'm into BDSM
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you're exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
When you want a Fourth Reich but you'd settle for a fourth wave of ska
damn right I'm a millennial
I never answer incoming calls
Never answer the doorbell either
smash that god damn retweet button if your fav light on the modem/router is the one on the end which says internet
darknet 2002: pics of dead guys in bath tubs, warez
darknet 2017: discussions amongst the boys as to which of our acquaintances aren t funny
You forgot the fish in a fish dinner and then offered us $10. Cancelled.
Do better. twitter.com/sunbasketmeals…
about a damaged order
What'd they do to make it up?
Completely forget ingredients in the next order
Me: Okay, gotta think of a Scaramucci joke that isn't racist against Italians
My brain: Eyyyyyyy! I'm bein' fired here!
OH SO IM JUST SUPPOSED TO ENJOY GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME INSTEAD OF LIVING IN FEAR THAT THEYLL TURN TO DUST IN MY HANDS
Can't fault the business logic behind MTV pivoting to what teens want (an uninterrupted stream of Russian dashcam videos of fatal accidents)
I never hated anyone enough to call a newspaper to tell them that he sucks his own dick. Having an arch nemesis sounds fun as shit honestly
Twitter exec: Why do we keep losing money?
Twitter's ad targeting algorithm: *bzzzt* maybe the boat account wants to kill people with planes
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I AM NOT SAYING WE SHOULD EAT THE RICH BUT MAYBE LETS KICKSTART A REALLY FANCY TABLE
At least Sean Spicer had the sense to whisper all of his grievances into a bush
Are we really going to pretend that Scaramucci landing that WH press job is NOT a direct result of his name drop cameo in Bohemian Rhapsody
As you get older you start to realize how little content your parents have produced
this is wrong
should have been hearings!
[leaves for fundraiser]
OH SO IM SUPPOSED TO WRITE NEW TWEETS EVERY TIME THIS COUNTRY DISAPPOINTS ME?
How many times do you have to pop popcorn at the office before you become the Popcorn Guy?
It's like twice isn't it
I cannot support the “Hunt the Homeless for Sport” bill in its current form. It’s practically useless without the crucial harpoon clause
In the past 30 days we've lost two of our best employees because they didn't win the H1B lottery.
Keeping people in > getting people out
Gmail nails it again
JUST OVER HERE ANSWERING WORK EMAILS WITH NON-ENTHUSIASTIC PUNCTUATION AS A POWER MOVE
*whispering* they cannot arrest a father and son for the same crime