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at the Co-pay Cabana

I think I'm a good person until I get into traffic each day, where I learn the truth about myself
Nothing gets me out of bed faster or more reliably every day than the financial pressure that comes included standard with Student Debt™
Looking for a sense of purpose lately? Why not try some student loans?
Me: Bitcoin (secure, transparent, honest) You: Wells Fargo (fraudulent, deceptive, criminal)
President emerges from solid gold elevator to recite first paragraph of the Wikipedia page for "hurricane", mispronounces weather as weether
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
In my early internet days, people used the acronym IWBG-"I will be good," as in, they had a smartass remark but will refrain from using it.
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
TSA Agent: "is a PowerBar a liquid or a solid?"
republicans (dumb, oafish): forever war is good democrats (refined, intelligent): forever war is good
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Sexy singles in your area built a vibrant culture. But they vanished overnight, leaving monuments half-finished, tools abandoned in the dirt
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WOO BIG FIGHT TONIGHT GONNA WATCH TWO HUMAN MEN TOTALLY BRUTALIZE EACH OTHER FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT WHATEVER KEEPS THE DARKNESS AT BAY BABY
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Sure, the cancer was aggressive. But the chemotherapy was also very aggressive. There was aggression on both sides
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Remember when people got mad that Michelle Obama said kids should eat a vegetable?
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Honestly, who can say who’s right, the armed men screaming about jews or the people who aren’t doing that
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Bespoke torch artisans in a new cottage industry
Think about it When was the last time you even bought a torch
If you dont realize that the marches were propagated by the Big Tiki Industry to sell more torches you're clearly not as woke as you thought
These are literally young UVA students age 17-23 standing up to a sea of white supremacists and neo-Nazis surrounding them #Charlottesville
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Yea I'm into BDSM Being a Disappointment to So Many people
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations 1 torch: ok if you're exploring a cave 2+ torches: something bad is happening
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
When you want a Fourth Reich but you'd settle for a fourth wave of ska
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
damn right I'm a millennial M I never answer incoming calls L L E Never answer the doorbell either N I A L
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
smash that god damn retweet button if your fav light on the modem/router is the one on the end which says internet
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
darknet 2002: pics of dead guys in bath tubs, warez darknet 2017: discussions amongst the boys as to which of our acquaintances aren t funny
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Oculus Hangover for VR™
You forgot the fish in a fish dinner and then offered us $10. Cancelled. Do better. twitter.com/sunbasketmeals…
Emailed @SunBasketMeals about a damaged order What'd they do to make it up? Completely forget ingredients in the next order Cancelled
Me: Okay, gotta think of a Scaramucci joke that isn't racist against Italians My brain: Eyyyyyyy! I'm bein' fired here!
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
OH SO IM JUST SUPPOSED TO ENJOY GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME INSTEAD OF LIVING IN FEAR THAT THEYLL TURN TO DUST IN MY HANDS
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Can't fault the business logic behind MTV pivoting to what teens want (an uninterrupted stream of Russian dashcam videos of fatal accidents)
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
I never hated anyone enough to call a newspaper to tell them that he sucks his own dick. Having an arch nemesis sounds fun as shit honestly
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Twitter exec: Why do we keep losing money? Twitter's ad targeting algorithm: *bzzzt* maybe the boat account wants to kill people with planes
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
I AM NOT SAYING WE SHOULD EAT THE RICH BUT MAYBE LETS KICKSTART A REALLY FANCY TABLE
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
At least Sean Spicer had the sense to whisper all of his grievances into a bush
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
Are we really going to pretend that Scaramucci landing that WH press job is NOT a direct result of his name drop cameo in Bohemian Rhapsody
As you get older you start to realize how little content your parents have produced
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
[enters Senate] this is wrong [takes seat] should have been hearings! [votes aye] a shame [leaves for fundraiser] just awful
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
OH SO IM SUPPOSED TO WRITE NEW TWEETS EVERY TIME THIS COUNTRY DISAPPOINTS ME?
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
How many times do you have to pop popcorn at the office before you become the Popcorn Guy? It's like twice isn't it
I cannot support the “Hunt the Homeless for Sport” bill in its current form. It’s practically useless without the crucial harpoon clause
Retweeted by at the Co-pay Cabana
In the past 30 days we've lost two of our best employees because they didn't win the H1B lottery. Keeping people in > getting people out
JUST OVER HERE ANSWERING WORK EMAILS WITH NON-ENTHUSIASTIC PUNCTUATION AS A POWER MOVE
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*whispering* they cannot arrest a father and son for the same crime
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