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Rob D

Breaking: I have acquired exclusive footage from #Giants practice.
The worst part of getting TV over the internet is no local commercials. What's football in Philly without a Steak 'Em Up commercial?
I'm a sociopath and even I don't understand Donald Trump's behavior. You'll have to find a psychopath and ask them.
Social media the past few months has just been #Trump, Trump, #hurricane , Trump, Hurricane What I wouldn't give for a gorilla shooting...
When the Giants lose this game and start the season 0-2 I'm going to boycott the NFL because of racial injustice and head injuries.
Retweeted by Rob D
I've been sick and legitimately could have used sick days, and for some reason I didn't. So this is what it's like not to hate your job...
Just a reminder for flu season, antibiotics make birth control ineffective. Plan accordingly now so you don't deadbeat later.
Your professional life is futile and pointless. #MondayMotivation
Retweeted by Rob D
If there was a hidden camera in my apartment, I could use the footage of me talking to this guy like a human as an insanity plee in court.
"I'm on my way to Wilmington DE for my nephew's funeral." Guy sitting next to me who just popped into Hooters for wings.
Sup yo boi at dis comedy...um...jawn...gonna be lit a.f...whatever fuck you just come to Reactors Comedy Club this weekend. Fuck millennials
Hey #Delco I'm featuring at @Reactors_Comedy this weekend. Everyone who buys a ticket is guaranteed to win a new car.* *Not Guaranteed
I've probably tweeted this before, but Rick & Morty is the best fucking thing on television right now. #rickAndMorty
Guaranteed, the only art that Ted Cruz owns are paintings with eye holes cut out.
Retweeted by Rob D
If you have money to donate, and it took a celebrity telethon for you to do so, re-evaluate your priorities.
Retweeted by Rob D
I don't know what this is, but I'll be damned if I don't post it: gfycat.com/ImaginaryHandy…
I was a much better comedian when I was drunk all the time.
Considering the popularity of #Baywatch in the 90s, I'm surprised there aren't more 20-something women named Yasmine.
Right about now, an embarrassed Ted Cruz is slowly emerging from the sewer. He begins to remove his clown make up and prepares a statement.
Retweeted by Rob D
Today is 90 days at my new job. ...so far so not fired yet.
Just remember, this is what being a huge religious hypocrite gets you. ...this or the Presidency apparently. twitter.com/march4progress…
Why do I engage strangers on Twitter. Why do I engage strangers on Twitter. Why do I engage strangers on Twitter. Why...
Here is some video footage of me trying to stay awake for the end of the #Giants game last night. #NYGvsDAL
"Next, on Exploitation Theatre: Blacula, followed by Blackenstein, and The Blunchblack of Blotre Blame."
Retweeted by Rob D
Hot #FantasyFootball Picks for Week 1: Players I had the choice of drafting and picked someone else for some reason.
"I was a fool to help that horrible old man!" "I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone."
Retweeted by Rob D
I found out my limit with wine 3 years back. It was 2 glasses of Shiraz on a date with a woman who wouldn't shut up about being polyamorous twitter.com/Troy_Moore/sta…
Just got free Dip 'n Dots on my walk home from work. ...This is already my best Friday in like a month.
I think you really need a 9-5 job to understand suicide. Like for me it's like Country Music...its not for me, but like...i get it.
Hey #Patriots fans, I fell asleep early last night, so I didn't get a chance to say this after the game: AaaaaaHahahahahahahahahahahaha
Yeah, not enough of those on Twitter right now. twitter.com/mjdout/status/…
I'm in my mid 30s and it's still my gut instinct to put up my middle finger anytime someone takes my picture. I'll grow up one day...maybe.
This is exactly what happened to me. I didn't develop a desire to educate myself until I was long gone from educational institutions. twitter.com/neiltyson/stat…
I've been awake for hours and just now remembered #football is on tonight.
I now officially have worked with 2 full grown adults who have accidentally shit their pants at work.
My name is Marco Rubio, and when the racist I voted to appoint does racist things I make a sad face and tweet Bible verses. twitter.com/marcorubio/sta…
Retweeted by Rob D
Look how many articles posted in the last 4 hours have "Dreamers" in the headline. Way to put that journalism degree to use you hacky shits
At this point, I'm just going to name my first comedy album: "Same Shit Different Comedian"
This should be the name of your podcast. twitter.com/Troy_Moore/sta…
If any of you are #Xcom2 people, the new DLC is really good.
What did I do during Labr Day weekend? Pretty much just sat around and ate the whole time. Here's a video: streamable.com/9evsw
There are people who are bad at math, bad at spelling, and those who use apostrophes incorrectly; Ive never bene either of thos' two thing's
Actually now I just want to make a fake #MAGA account with an attractive woman in the profile pic to see how fast I beat my actual account. twitter.com/gonzofish/stat…
To all those idiots who publically stated Obama was president during Katrina, I'm more upset you forgot about this: youtu.be/IbLYPyw1Z9c
I know people get upset when Ann Coulter is called a cunt... ...but it's clearly the correct word. #AnnCoulter twitter.com/AnnCoulter/sta…
Am I the only one who worries that if their life gets too good the universe will balance it out by killing their parents?
8:30am - Rush hour on your way to work. 9:15am - Rush hour on your way to the men's room. #coffee
HISTORIC rainfall. Trust me. It didn't rain like this under Obama, and it wouldn't have under Hillary. Tremendous, Huge rain. twitter.com/realDonaldTrum…
 
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