Elizabeth Windsor

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And the Lord said “Let there be gin” and it was Gin O’Clock. #GinOClock
It’s not, your Royal Highness; it’s “Your Majesty”, dickhead. #PlatinumJubilee
70 years on the throne and they give one Alan Titchmarsh. #queensjubilee
No, Andrew. Absolutely not. #queensjubilee
Will one ever feel one’s toes again? #queensjubilee
Fascinating. What part of ‘Brian May’ wasn’t clear? #queensjubilee
Ok. Thanks for coming. Genuinely, we don’t have to drag this out. #queensjubilee
Ok great. Let’s have some more horses. #queensplatinumjubilee
Is Azerbaijan a real country? #queensjubilee
Horses and guns. Now we’re talking. #queensjubilee
Absolutely sodding freezing. #queensjubilee
Who in God’s name was that? #queensjubilee
Surely to Christ this doesn’t go on until after 1030pm?! #queensjubilee
Literally no idea who this chap is. #queensjubilee
Ok bring the Range Rover round. Let’s get this over with. The favours one does for Phillip Schofield. #QueensJubilee
Have Tom Cruise oiled and delivered to Camilla’s Range Rover. #queensjubilee
If McCartney is here, One’s going back inside. #queensjubilee
Off to something in the garden. #queensjubilee
Oh thank Christ. One thought one was going to have to sell America to pay for this. #Eurovision
Spain on the phone. Very relieved. #eurovision
You do know one is your Queen, don’t you Australia? #Eurovision
Just to be clear, WE CANNOT AFFORD THE ELECTRICITY TO HOST THIS. #Eurovision
You’re on your own, Greece. #Eurovision
If we win this we’ll have to host it by candlelight next year. #Eurovision
Amazing how Europe starts voting for the UK when they might need defending in a war. #Eurovision
He tried to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad. So he tried a little presenting but he was so bad, bad, bad, bad. #Eurovision
This is what happens if you privatise your national broadcaster. #Eurovision
Approximately 2/3 full of gin. #Eurovision
Oh sweet mother of Jesus. #Eurovision
Oh great. More of these three. What a joy. #Eurovision
One hopes, one hopes, one hopes… this is over soon. #Eurovision
Covid regulations in Serbia are that you wash your hands whilst singing this song. In the UK we had ‘happy birthday to you’ twice. #Eurovision
Ok, round this lot up and take them somewhere for their own protection. #Eurovision
One wrote a song about Meghan Markle once. #Eurovision
That’s one way of deterring the Russians. #Eurovision
Ok boyo. Put your back into it. Anything less than top ten and you’re staying there. #Eurovision #UK
Fairly sure winning isn’t possible, cupcake. #Eurovision
There’s absolutely no way that mask is Covid compliant. #Eurovision
Up you get, cupcake. Put some effort into it. #Eurovision
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