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Wallace Montgomery ツ

Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
*cop pulls me over* COP: please blow into this, sir ME: *plays trumpet perfectly* COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
HBO is currently airing #LEMONADE with BRAND NEW SCENES and there was not ONE notification!!!!!! I am LIVID!!!!!!
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
Now to run of the plane and escape the wrath of crew scheduling and being reassigned. #incognito
No new MacBook pro or iPhone announcements today. Sad day... #WWDC2016
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
I can't decide if I have to fart or poop..... 😭😭😭😭😭.... This is the type of shit that stresses me out... Emphasis on the shit 😩
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
I don't know about magic but I got a couple twix up my sleeve
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
Actually got a first class seat back to Dallas!
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
Day 4 of 4... So ready to head home #crewlife
It is amazing when u have an awesome crew that makes ur layover exciting. #crewlife
shoutout to the very few true friends i have that keep me sane and a lot more healthy-minded than i would be alone.
Retweeted by Wallace Montgomery ツ
When you wake up at pick up, make it to the airport 2 minutes before boarding and depart 10 minutes early. #likeaboss
Maybe I'll make it out to the @58club today for a #juicylucy
A picture's worth a thousand words, or apparently just one "deep and profound" caption that no one else understands. #Instagramproblems
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