: Be strong and smile at life even though it hurts sometimes. < It literally hurts when I smile because of my gum warts.
Support your Non-Profit Endangered Species charity. Even though statistics show most endangered species eventually become extinct.
You're graduating from the university this Saturday? Congratulations, it will really help your career as a barista at Starbucks.
Sorry I can't make it to your wedding; but I'll definitely be at your divorce party next year.
Hmm, which pillow should I sleep with tonight? And by "sleep with" I mean sex.
: When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. < Also when my parents locked me in the shed so it's more like a restraint.
Enjoy a delicious, hot latte today. Especially knowing that the $3 you spent could have fed a poor family in India for a week. But enjoy.
I really miss my grandma. She was so nice when she wasn't beating me with a stick or calling me "you little shit".
I don't blame my mom for hating me. I blame myself for living inside her and then stretching her vagina upon exit.
: I have the best brother in the world! instagram.com/p/fvqo3COS-O/
He's the best for killing a living plant. RIP flowers
When I was 4 my dad got me a bike but couldn't afford the seat so I sat my crotch on the top tube which is why my testicles are so small.
Thanks for the follow. Returned the favor!!!
<- Thank you but my tweets are just going to suck anyway.
I go to the movies alone but I buy two tickets and then spend the entire movie turning my head pretending to wonder where my date is.
By the way, I'm growing my chest hairs because I heard that women in their 50's - 60's like that and they are easy slut-whores.
: Can I pet your beard? < Yeah, but wash your hands afterwards because I have chin warts.
Is it weird that I talk to my sofa before cuddling up to it and eventually grinding on it?
I am allergic to protein, carbs, fruits, vegetables, and fats. Anything else is just fine.
You only live once, so make the best of… ahh, screw it, I'm going to sleep.
I have all of those side effects you see in drug commercials.
: Hold me down , love me & stay LOYAL — < I would hold you down but my butt usually itches and I'd have to let go to scratch so…
I wish my parents spoke a second language so they can teach me but they abandoned me when I was 2 so there goes that.
Why get a puppy? It's only a few years before you'll have to bury him.
Will you like me if I get a Sharpie marker and draw a red dot on my forehead?
: Meet @headkrack
on Sat at @tasteofsoulla
! He will be signing autographs from 1:30-5 PM! — Can I bring my imaginary gf?
: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever? Forever until I get hit by a car probably next week.
Good morning, everyone. And by everyone, I mean my 2 followers.
I like grabbing a bunch of forks from the kitchen at work so it looks like I have pie and friends to share it with. :(
The best part of being lonely is that you can talk to yourself and nobody will judge you.
Just had a fire drill at work. This is the most exciting day all year.
: It's a new day! count your blessings. < I was blessed with irritable bowel syndrome. thanks.
: Isn't she a beauty?!?! #FIVEDAYSTILLPRISM twitpic.com/dhq2s2
Now I have a new CD to cry myself to sleep. Thanks.
Just got a new Party Sound Effects CD so that the neighbors think I'm having a party.
Is it true that the people you meet on Twitter are your real friends?
I'm excited about this Twitter thing. Well it's almost 8pm, time to go to sleep.
Maybe joining Twitter will finally get me some friends.