This dude really just paid me the $95 he owed me in increments of $1
Those strangers you see that are smiling for no reason probably live in an alternate universe where BMV lines move extremely fast.
Byerie Irving and LeGone James
Who would've thought that a hot dog wearing headphones would take over the world.
Friend: Hey man I completely forgot I owe you $30
Me: ehh... don't worry about it.
Friend: Are you sure!?
Me: No, pay me my damn money.
Rob Lowe thought he saw Bigfoot, but it was just Crazy Hairy Rob Lowe from the DIRECTV commercial.
Things I've done while being #Deadtired @mysleepscore
. Submit yours for a chance to win a trip to NYC + $500! fbit.co/4rmy #sp
David West just gave Tristan Thompson mono.
Ughhh so clingy.
, you guys sell the freshest buns hands down.
It's the weekend! Remember, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. #OldMil
Big shoutout to the people who never give up on chasing a piece of paper in the wind that only moves when they try to pick it up.
1990: I hope there are flying cars in the future!
Her: I'm cheating on you.
Him: You can save a ton of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.
Her: I'm still cheating on you.
Me: Hey man you're Clay from 13 Reasons Why!
Dylan: Yup that's me.
Dylan: Well, I should get to class.
Come listen to my playlist live at 2pm EST on the @vertigoislive
app! Link to download is in my bio. #sp #Vertigoislive
Every year I get excited for the Browns to draft. Its like watching the 1st movie of a trilogy, hating it, then getting hyped for the next 2
Today is my birthday. My ID Says 27, but my hairline says 40.
We just wanted to wish you an amazing Birthday!
I'm giving out Spotify Premium gift cards to a few lucky listeners tonight! I'll be going live on @vertigoislive
in 2 hours! Link in bio.
We must stop these criminals.
Is "asking for a friend" just a way for people to ask a question and make it seem like someone else asked it? Asking for a friend.
I will never be able to put away multiple pieces of Tupperware successfully.
Car Salesmen 🚗s
I'm giving out Spotify Premium gift cards to a few listeners tonight! Going live on @vertigoislive
in 2 hours! bit.ly/2o7dspP #sp
Who remembers this movie?
You stay classy, Cleveland.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
Me: You're it!
Me running away: Renewed!
I'm surprised Pixar hasn't made a movie about Snapchat filters yet.
Best purchase I've ever made.
When you're at a department store and walk by the fragrance associate...
A ghost's first haunting. Had a blast playing with #Lomics
App 🚀😄 If you want to create a story like mine - download th@lomicsapp
10% Battery Remaining
You can't make this stuff up.
Homeless man: Spare some change?
Me: Sorry I only have a card.
*Pulls out iPad with square reader*
Homeless man: You were saying?
Merry Christmas everyone! #MerryChristmas
So that's what he's up to.
One of the most genuine and likable people in all of sports. We lost a legend today. Rest in peace, Craig Sager. #SagerStrong
Whenever someone asks me "Is everything okay?" I respond with "No, I am a Cleveland Browns fan."
Guy: Hey do you know Twenty One Pilots?
Other Guy: I've only flown once so I only know one pilot. His name is Doug. He is very nice.
Little-known fact: Bear mugs make coffee taste 43% better 🐻☕️2
Joe: I did it
Barack: Did what?
Joe: Installed an airbag in the Oval Office chair
When your parents make you sing Christmas carols to the neighbor that handed out veggie chips on Halloween