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Alan Barns

You know you're not a kid anymore... when you're having trouble remembering simple words like...........
Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede. (Told you before, they can't all be good.)
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
When I return an item to a store that has a no refund policy, I tell them that I don't want a refund....I just want my money back
Retweeted by Alan Barns
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you switch on the TV and it's showing emergency routes out of the city.
You think you have troubles? My sun-dial is slow!
Will I ever be old enough to know better?
Never, ever, trust an atom. They make up everything.
The days of good grammar have long since went,
I may not be perfect, but I am a limited edition.
It took over 70 years to look this good.
If you met my family you'd understand.
I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?
I don't want to. I don't have to. You can't make me. I'M RETIRED. So do it yourself !
When they installed bungee ropes in the church tower, the bell ringers hit the roof.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
You're over the hill when you feel like the morning after and you know you haven't been anywhere.
You know u are getting older when you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you're not wearing any.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Where does a nudist put his keys after he locks his car?
When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don't care.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Woman, without her man, is nothing. - Woman: without her, man is nothing. - Why punctuation matters.
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
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