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Tales of a Realist

Wouldn't it be ironic to find out that ice cold water causes ALS?
When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it's called "art" and "music". When I do it, I'm "wasted" and have to leave Home Depot.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?
Everyone has an asshole friend. If you don't, you're the asshole.
Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Atheists, God and 9 out of 10 dentists agree: 'Fuck the Westboro Baptist Church'.
Ever wondered if the Dollar bills in your pocket were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you are wondering now. Have a nice day.
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember, nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
Some people are like sperms. Their chance of becoming Human is one in millions.
A slutty girl is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it but no one wants it.
I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in chinese.
Let's celebrate Columbus day by walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now.
Your ex asking to be friends after a breakup is like kidnappers asking you to 'keep in touch' after letting you go.
Definition of trust: Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
Dissapointment means running into a wall with an erection and still breaking your nose.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you will hear: 'WTF are you doing'?
Taking your Ex back is like going to a yard sale and buying back your own crap!
Before sex you help each other get naked. After sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're fucked.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, Rub one ball and everything moves.
Do you know what it means to come home to a woman who'll give you a little love, affection & tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggy' until you can find a rock.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 a minute.
Confucius said: He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Do mimes observe a brief moment of talking when a fellow mime passes away?
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
How different countries compare in terms of The ratio of pay for a CEO vs an average worker. Can you see your country?
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. @Slippy55
Read The Tales of a Realist Daily ▸ today\'s top stories via @TheAgenda @Solanllyzmspaper.li/talesofarealis…
The Tales of a Realist Daily is out! bit.ly/AsuDBW
Questions asked when you see twins: 10% - Who\'s older? 5%- Do you share the same room? 5%- Do you ever get bored? 80%- Are you twins?
#YouMightBeStupidIf you sit on the TV and watch the couch.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
Every time you bash your head against a wall, you burn 150 calories.
Not in the US? You can still petition the State Department. Speak out about censorship and #SOPA. americancensorship.org/modal/state-de…
A word of advice: Never fart in a Wetsuit. Thank you and Happy New Year!
Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it, you fat judgemental bastard.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick!
Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when they tumble down the stairs.
I've learned so much from my mistakes. I'm thinking of making a few more.
John Cleese's fave read Are We Nearly There Yet? reviewed in Dec Marie Claire "Amusing, poignant & moving" tinyurl.com/6ycsjky
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