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Alan Garner
prayer comedy 991,707 followers
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me: Mother what's important is that we have our health
Hoes be like "hoes be like" but they be the hoes that be like.
If I choose you over sleep, you must be very very very special.
When I say "the other day" it can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
We survive by breathing in plant farts. Carry on.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said, "Disneyland Left." So they started crying and drove home.
40 Pics Of The Worst Parents Ever
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Yoga pants should have a weight limit.
Twitter is basically you just having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I blame everyone for my problems. Except for Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him.
Hate being fat. Love eating food.
Real Photographs Taken In The 1980s On The NYC Subway
Retweeted by Alan Garner
Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mom scares me.
Did anyone ever tell the Backstreet Boys why?
Does China have fancy plates called America?
I hope you step on a lego.
I don't trust penguins, I know you can secretly fly, you sneaky bastards.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed... are you an iWitness?
There's 3 types of people in this world, people who can count, and people that can't.
Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.
Stop with the Harry Potter jokes! I'm sirius...