The only "B" word you should ever call a woman is beautiful... Bitches love to be called beautiful!
"I'm not like most girls." -Most Girls
When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says "Aww you were so cute! What happened?"
Bitch, I got sexy, thats what happened.
Spongebob: "Can you hear me?" Patrick: "No, it's too dark."
Listen, I'll drink responsibly when there's a brand of scotch named 'Responsibly.'
That moment of terror when you lose sight of a spider, and suddenly become a victim in your own home.
Teachers call it cheating. We call it teamwork.
Black people started wearing their pants low, white people called it “saggin.” Spell saggin backwards... Those sneaky white people.
Let's all take a moment and be thankful for the fact that spiders can't fly.
The wind is such a whore, it blows everyone.
Tripping over an object, then verbally abusing it.
You won't believe this 3D Tattoo when you see it... pictwitt.mobi/3dtattoo
If you tickle my feet, I'm not responsible for what happens to your face.
The best way to baby proof your house, is to wear a condom.
Boy: So, you like bad boys?
Boy: Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything ,but at Walmart I enter through the exit.
I remember the days when Barbie was the only girl made of plastic.
I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive... But I don't believe in suicide.
Dear girls, please stop making these faces on Instagram...
Sincerely Everyone. bit.ly/dumbposes
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
People who don't like bacon can't be trusted, end of story.
"I wasn't "I wasn't that drunk."
"Dude, you were telling 'yo mama' jokes to orphans..."
School is like a boner. It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface. It's called Face.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Bob has 40 chocolate bars. He eats 35. What does Bob have now? Diabetes. Bob has diabetes.
Oh, you're a model? Who's your agency? Instagram?
I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a soberphobic.
Hearing noises when you're home alone, and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.
America: The home of obesity and skinny jeans.
Do slutty girls tell "That's what I said" jokes...
I don't make typos, I make new words.
Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
I'm a smart person. I just do stupid things.
I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Terrible decisions make for great stories.
Mom: "Have fun! Be safe!"
Me: "I can't do both."
Dear Eva Longoria, Please marry me.
Sincerely, I just saw these pics: bit.ly/longoriae
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
I throw my Spanish book in the air sometimes, sayin ayyyoooo, no comprendo!
"Hey, remember when you had a crush on-"
69% of my thoughts are dirty thoughts.
I regret every nap I skipped as a child. Now, all I want to do is sleep.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
This movie isn't scary at all!"
*Based on a true story*
Admit it, you once made a little kid cry and then made them laugh so you wouldn’t get in trouble.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it! .....*slaps knee*