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Comedy Tweets
jcole nicki minaj lil wayne 1,556,962 followers
Real guys don't chase girls. If you want to walk out of our love lives, we'll hold the door wide open.
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Sometimes it's easier to pretend you're happy rather than explain why you're not.
I'm so happy people can't hear what I'm thinking
"hey" *2 hours later* "hey" no it's too late, i don't wanna talk to you now
"Can I use your phone to call my mom?" "Yeah, just hit redial."
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Me a nerd? Haha no, I'm just making sure I don't end up working at McDonalds with you in the future.
do you ever feel like you're not friends with some of your friends?
We pre-game harder than other people party.
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No I havent met Mr. Right yet, but I have met Mr. Fake, Mr. Rude, & Mr. Player.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" .. No, no, no, it's "Hi, how are you?"
Me: *Breathes* Mom: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE.
I hate when people compare Eminem to God. I mean, he's good, but he's no Eminem.
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I don't mind texting or calling you first, but damn it takes two to have a conversation.
MY GRADUATION SPEECH: "I hate all you f*ckers, I'm out."
Walk into da club like whaddup I got a small fin. 
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I'm MATURE enough to forgive you, but I'm not DUMB enough to trust you again.
*showering* Not hot enough. *turns knob 1/16th of an inch* Satan himself pours out of the shower head and licks your back seductively.
Jennifer Lawrence's Sassiest Moments pic-twittern.com/a63/js
Twitter is my friend, Youtube is my voice, and Google is my brain.
I don't think I could ever date a girl that is taller than me.
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English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup Bitch?
Looking at things you wrote or comments you made from a year ago and wondering how you could possibly be that stupid.