If I could kill a word...
I'd poison NEVER, shoot GOODBYE
Choke LONELY out...
And I'd hang HATE so that it can't be heard
When camels are most proud
What is Hump Day
On the day T Rump became president, green zebras begin drinking wine from mustard jars.
~Nostradamus (after a Friday night bender)
RULE: Nasty women love bad hombres.
EXCEPTION: Hillary and Donald
I got crushed by a pile of books, but I've only got my shelf to blame.
Petition to Congress:
Create a day between Saturday and Sunday. We really need it.
The road buckles under
Where I walk along
Till I find to my wonder
Every path leads to thee
All that I can do is pray
Stay with me
Sometimes you win
Sometimes you lose
Sometimes it's gin
Sometimes it's booze
Good citizens vote
I am a citizen
So I must vote
Good citizens never vote for liars
Both candidates are liars
So I cannot vote
There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I, we’ve been through that, and this is not our fate.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
I got a new quarter. It's counterfeit. The heads and tails are on the wrong sides.
A good person
may not be conservative,
may not be liberal,
may not be religious,
must be honest.
Prioritize your life
or someone else will.
If the Devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.
It's easy to use the glue when you don't have to kill the horse yourself.
the journey is the reward
When good things happen
Here is the test:
Do you feel lucky?
Do you feel blessed?
He was on the floor with his head over the toilet. I thought he was drunk or sick. But, no, he was just a dog.
I went to the woods to live deliberately, ... and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
~Henry David Thoreau
Circles are pointless!
Or are they?
Perhaps they do have points. Infinite points.
Adam's duty: To name animals. Seeing a housefly, he said, “It flies so I’ll call it a FLY.”
About to name the hippo as a FAT, Eve took over.
Bring THE 4400 back for a reunion show or miniseries.
--photo of @ConchitaCampbel
Okay, "Plan A" didn't work.
You've got 25 more letters.
Rodney got along
but then he died.
Clinton got along
but then he lied.
Why is Howard so stern?
Why is Betty so white?
Why is Martin so short?
For whom the Lord sets free
is free indeed
There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure.
I don't mind jibber. And I kinda like jabber.
But I hate jibber jabber, especially from pretend lawyers.
A small act of kindness exceeds a grand intention.
Today, we celebrate Ollie, first cow to fly in a plane (Feb 18, 1930) from Bismarck, Missouri to St. Louis. She was milked during flight.
Man says, "Die, Past. die!"
Stubborn Mr. Past pretends to die,
but he never stays dead for long.
The Good AND the Bad
A rising tide lifts all boats.
A rising tide sinks all goats.
Not satisfied with our creator and his gifts,
we hunger for something other.
So, alas, we are always hungry
and never satisfied.
The best prize that life has to offer
is the chance to work hard
at work worth doing.
He wrote he was
king of the whirled.
And, sure enough,
he twirled and swirled
down the drain.
Okay, I admit it: I launder money.
The evidence . . . coins in my dryer.
WHO? (Riddle Two)
and wears much red
Beard is white,
a wondrous sight!
Likes to wink:
What do you think?
kleptomaniacs don't get puns
because they take things
WHO? (A Cold Riddle)
Counts on elves
to stock his shelves
Leaves his bed
to drive his sled
bringing us toys
Tragedy at Midnight
A zebra was in my room:
Driving a car (Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!)
Hitting my bed (Boom! Boom! Boom!)
So I put him in his tomb.
I know a hillbilly who wears straw underwear. He calls it Fruit of the Broom.
According to the NRA, Santa just became a member. Plus he recently bought rifles and a ton of ammo. Yeah, he's not taking chances this year.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
Today Amazon reports shipping an XL kevlar vest to the North Pole.
It appears even Santa Claus is not taking chances this year.
When you see your neighbor carrying somethin',
Help him with his load,
And don't go mistaking Paradise
For that home across the road.
Utters of a Dumb Guy:
“I do like butter,”
I heard him mutter.
“But don’t get butter
Upon my clutter.”
Creativity needs to experiment.
Failure is part of the process.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
“Serving under Colonel Sanders doesn’t qualify as military experience.”