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Jackie Kennedy: "A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane."
Jean Cocteau: "I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you dislike?"
Katharine Whitehorn: "No nice men are good at getting taxis."
Wendy Liebman: "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
Dave Barry: "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
Nora Ephron: "Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be."
Richard Burton: "This diamond has so many carats it's almost a turnip."
George Ade: "The time to enjoy a European trip is about three weeks after unpacking."
Lewis Grizzard: "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Frederick the Great: "A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in."
Billy Graham: "The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
Elon Musk: "I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact."
William Lyon Phelps: "If I didn't start painting, I would have raised chickens."
Sophia Loren: "Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner."
Orson Welles: "I have an unfortunate personality."
Will Durant: "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
Ambrose Bierce: "Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
J. B. Priestley: "She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years."
Norman Douglas: "Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it."
Garry Shandling: "I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it."
Thomas A. Edison: "The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around."
Robert Wilson Lynd: "Most human beings are quite likeable if you do not see too much of them."
Paula Poundstone: "I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
Amy Sedaris: "My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper."
Charles Darwin: "I love fools' experiments. I am always making them."
Robert Quillen: "If we wish to make a new world we have the material ready. The first one, too, was made out of chaos."
George Santayana: "The Soul is the voice of the body's interests."
Calvin Coolidge: "It takes a great man to be a good listener."
Vince Lombardi: "Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
Woody Allen: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
Eugene Ionesco: "Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."
Al Boliska: "Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?"
Amelia Earhart: "Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done."
Indira Gandhi: "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
Charlie Chaplin: "All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
Aesop: "Plodding wins the race."
James M. Barrie: "Life is a long lesson in humility."
Milton Friedman: "Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned."
George Bernard Shaw: "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
Clint Eastwood: "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."
Oscar Wilde: "Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."
Carl Sagan: "Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
Anne Frank: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
Mort Sahl: "My life needs editing."
Franz Kafka: "Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable."
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The years teach much which the days never know."
Edward Young: "By all means use some time to be alone."
Samuel Johnson: "One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts."
Leo Buscaglia: "Change is the end result of all true learning."