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Orson Welles: "I have an unfortunate personality."
Will Durant: "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
Ambrose Bierce: "Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
J. B. Priestley: "She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years."
Norman Douglas: "Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it."
Garry Shandling: "I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it."
Thomas A. Edison: "The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around."
Robert Wilson Lynd: "Most human beings are quite likeable if you do not see too much of them."
Paula Poundstone: "I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
Amy Sedaris: "My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper."
Charles Darwin: "I love fools' experiments. I am always making them."
Robert Quillen: "If we wish to make a new world we have the material ready. The first one, too, was made out of chaos."
George Santayana: "The Soul is the voice of the body's interests."
Calvin Coolidge: "It takes a great man to be a good listener."
Vince Lombardi: "Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
Woody Allen: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
Eugene Ionesco: "Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."
Al Boliska: "Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?"
Amelia Earhart: "Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done."
Indira Gandhi: "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
Charlie Chaplin: "All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
Aesop: "Plodding wins the race."
James M. Barrie: "Life is a long lesson in humility."
Milton Friedman: "Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned."
George Bernard Shaw: "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
Clint Eastwood: "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."
Oscar Wilde: "Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."
Carl Sagan: "Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
Anne Frank: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
Mort Sahl: "My life needs editing."
Franz Kafka: "Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable."
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The years teach much which the days never know."
Edward Young: "By all means use some time to be alone."
Samuel Johnson: "One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts."
Leo Buscaglia: "Change is the end result of all true learning."
Clare Boothe Luce: "Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount."
Jane Wagner: "All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
George Washington: "It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one."
Warren Buffett: "I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me."
Horace: "Don't think, just do."
Robert Frost: "By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."
Emmet Fox: "If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world."
Albert Einstein: "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
Xenophon: "The sweetest of all sounds is praise."
Fred Allen: "The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand."
Ellen Glasgow: "All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward."
Franklin P. Jones: "All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day."
Douglas MacArthur: "You are remembered for the rules you break."
Mark Russell: "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."