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Mr Old Lady
I just got ripped off by some Chinese bloke. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: 'Quick, Let's get it!' Boss Germ: 'NO, we must wait 5 seconds!'
I'm never having the sex talk with my son again. I'm sick of listening to him boasting.
Glass coffins to be the next craze? Remains to be seen.
I bought a new book today called "How to end your pet's life with dignity" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down.
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?" Dave starts sobbing as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.
Emma: "Will, why did you pick that song?" Will: "Because I'm a cunt"
Just switched The Voice on to have have a quick look at this years talent. Killed myself #GoodbyeCruelWorld
I locked myself out of my house this morning. On purpose. I was leaving, so I guess it's not a big deal.
I had a parcel delivered and it was covered in dribble and crayon. That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.
How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard!
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
While over in Mr T's house...... "Its April, Fools!"
I just got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, "That's just spam."
My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages. I said "Why? Your Mum's dead"
On Mother's Day, I always write poems about my mother's sudden death. She has said she'd prefer some flowers.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "Mother-In law" you get the words "Woman Hitler".
New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with shit parents.
You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.
No Make Up Selfie... Good luck with your nominations pic.twitter.com/nWigoyQQ0A
I'm not saying Putin is humiliating Obama, but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way Apollo Creed died.
Whenever I see someone wearing a camouflage jacket, I shout, "ARGHHHH, A FLOATING HEAD!" so they know it's working.