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Billy Bagwell
If you're ever playing musical chairs against a kid in a wheelchair, get ready to make some tough choices.
"Let It Snow!" is a much darker song once you know the songwriter composed it while watching a homeless man freeze to death.
Note to self: If you're being held hostage, refuse ANY help from the Americans.
My favourite Christmas tradition is probably flying to Paris and screaming, "Kevin!"
Literally every other thing is more fun that calling your Snowman Parson Brown. These Winter Wonderland people were freaks.
I wish my dog spoke English. But no, just Chinese.
The most peaceful Christmas I can remember was when I accidentally covered the cake in Temazepam.
Egg nog is amazing because who hasn't been eating an omelette and thought, "I wish I could drink this."
They've turned Santa Tracker on too early. I've been watching him stumble between bars and he's just gone in a reindeer strip club.
If Wikipedia could record what people say seconds before they access the site, 99% of it would be people screaming, "I'LL PROVE I'M RIGHT!"
The record companies are doing a great job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
Good Morning, how are we all today? I've just realised that I miss newspapers, it's weird hitting the dog on the nose with an iPad.
Life is essentially all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time.
Cobbler is my favorite profession that's also a dessert.
"@Daily_Star: Kim Jong-un launches attack on others named 'Kim Jong-un' Is he forcing them to change their names to 'Kim Jong-Deux'?
Facebook is a great way to keep in constant contact with people I met once, ten years ago.
No, please don't feel like you need to use your indicators. I understand how difficult it can be to slightly move one finger.
Are there so many Smiths because people named Smith have more sex than the rest of us?
iTunes, why would I pre-order an album? What, are you going to run out of MP3s?
People should have a snooze button on their face so you can stop them talking for nine minutes.
Somewhere out there there's a turkey who has no idea that in 3 weeks I'm going to shove stuffing up its arse.
There is nothing in your adult life that will match the excitement of a fight at school.
@radioleary: I shall now drink some red wine.” I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
Remember kids, don't talk to strangers, but by all means talk to them while sitting on their lap in a shopping centre. #Santa
@brianofficial: Took 1 hour to que at the post office to buy stamps Did you get stuck behind the devil? Because he takes many forms.
If John Lennon were alive today he would say, "All you need is love, love is all you need...oh, and 69p for the iTunes download please"
I opened Window 1 on my advent calendar. Another window inside it. And another inside that. This Inception themed calendar is rubbish.
Only 12,725 more Adobe updates until Christmas.
Nothing will test your willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.
@THEJamesWhale: “@Billy_Bagwell: Who's got an Advent Calendar?” Not me #bahhumbug” Noooo.... Don't tell me you're Ebenezer Whale?
Come on, own up. Who's got an Advent Calendar?
"@DailyMirror: You'll never guess what the UK's most popular boys name is. "Jihadi John"?
If I was forced to choose, I think Wizard of Oz is my favorite movie about a girl stealing shoes off a dead body.
I couldn't have got to the front of all the Black Friday lines this year without wearing my "I Survived Ebola" T-Shirt.
My TV Show Idea It's Jerry Springer but with Dog guests. "My name's Rover. I'm nine. Yeah I chew up slippers & carpet. I don't give a shit"
New Celebrity Phone Scandal: Photos of Miley Cyrus fully clothed have been leaked onto the net. Friends say she is shocked and embarrassed!
Fires are nice, but I can't look at the coals without thinking of all the poor snowmen we blinded to get them.
There are so many ways I can get hurt at the gym, but almost no ways I can get hurt on my sofa.
Has "Don't take this the wrong way" ever resulted in someone not taking it the wrong way?
DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!. I'm downloading Black Friday 2012 & 2013 before watching this years.
Dr F Kenton Beshore, of the World Bible Society, says Jesus appears in 2018 & the World end's in 2021 Is there a Psychiatrist in the house?
"Darling, your father was killed." "What?!" "But he got us this cheap 3D TV." "Yippee!!"
So let me get this right America... Thanksgiving: Give thanks for what you have... Black Friday: ...then realise THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!!!
10p off Tampax and Teabags at Tesco. Please stay safe, nine injuries and two trampling related deaths reported already. #BlackFridayUK
I asked the McDonalds drive through employee how I could help HIM and he's been sobbing into the speaker for ten minutes now.
The only thing I hate more than people talking loudly in public is people talking softly when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them.
There's a person somewhere whose actual job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.
@johnpaul_f: @Billy_Bagwell @MetroUK she actually looks quite proud of it.” She is, it's her life. She's known locally as Tina Tinsel Tits
"@MetroUK: Is this Britain’s most depressing Xmas tree? I'd be depressed too if stood looking at that miserable cow pic.twitter.com/lKvBErac65
@BigD_Fit: @Billy_Bagwell If there's no ghosts, the feckers are hiding.” I know a partially sighted barman who can't find the spirits