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Diet Tip: Store all your forks in plug sockets.
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she says "Just diet and exercise, guys!"
I see the Scottish fella lost. Poor William & Kate were well shown up. pic.twitter.com/pvlMPnArul
No wonder Rolf painted so quickly, it left more time for the touching up.
Shut up with your Ben Zeeeema shit. It's Benzemahhhhhh.
There was only 1 Iran shirt left in Sports Direct, I had to get it. pic.twitter.com/PZKdmP6VwD
Remember, it's HAPPY Fathers Day, so don't bother visiting your Dad if he's feeling sad.
I'm jealous of all the money orphans are saving today.
Italy are like Stephen Hawking. For years they've shown glimpses of genius, but they'll never again get to lift a cup.
Nice to see Diego Forlan still getting a game at 35...... Bless him. pic.twitter.com/gfnZ9TpBUf
Just spotted this fella in the background of BBC's World Cup coverage during @rioferdy5's interview on the beach. pic.twitter.com/nYdYEjYeZK
Latest News: 4 in 10 English people don't care about our progress in the World Cup In Other News: 4 in 10 people are wankers & can fuck off
So sad. The last picture of Rik Mayall, walking his dog on Sunday. pic.twitter.com/Rm1PivRAKT
"After my quad-bike accident I was dead for five days. Jesus was only dead for three, so I beat him." — Rik Mayall
A comedic constant for 3 decades who gave us some of the best characters in British TV history. RIP Rik
It's been 30 years since Prince released Purple Rain. He hasn't aged at all. pic.twitter.com/vuxQ6nAmLF
New blokes moved in next door, he seems ok. pic.twitter.com/Nt7VQtloUp
Italy haven't won in their last 7 games. #WeStillBelieve
Can I introduce you please, to a lump of cheddar cheese?
Do you ever feel like your Apps are trying to tell you something? pic.twitter.com/wX2ofLBQnQ
Never forget to tell your parents that you love them. pic.twitter.com/SPPvlzPWWm
Some of the worlds greatest minds can be found on the internet. pic.twitter.com/4IkSMteQag
The key to success is to always stay one step ahead of your competition pic.twitter.com/MmHtJnjomk
If nobody hates you, you're doing something wrong.
This Maddie McCann "seen at a Benfica match" shite has re confirmed my belief that there should be an IQ test prior to being allowed online.
@WayneRooney: Disgusting that the press flew 2 Portugal 2 follow me & my kids” More disgusting than cheating on ur wife with old grannies?
If I had a penny for every time someone said I have OCD, I'd have 967274 pence.
CLEANER WANTED: Immediate Start Required LOCATION: Emirates Stadium, London Apply via @Arsenal pic.twitter.com/M7gwWFudpC
Do these tossers not realise that Britain's Got Talent is on next? #HurryUpFFS #FACupFinal
The last time a team came back from 2-0 down to win the FA Cup was in 1966......... IT'S FATE! #VindalooVindalooNaNa
I just hope that Arsenal's biggest fan got a ticket. vine.co/v/MeuKh7qwTQp
I stopped a bloke in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip." He said, "Hull to win the FA Cup."
ITV's FA Cup coverage reminds me of my sex life..... 2 hours of pointless fumbling before a one sided main event.
Breaking News: 'Mystery over flat victim's death' No mystery...... Probably a steam-roller.
I just popped in the new #DixonCarphone store and got myself a bargain. pic.twitter.com/dgHwervKom
I've just watched Rita Ora on The One Show and it was quite surprising. She's as thick as shit.
Oh dear....... This has to be the most unfortunate name fail EVER! pic.twitter.com/41kxchSBFf
An instant cure for most Facebook users..... pic.twitter.com/m2WNkeWUfa
I've just started a new job as a waiter. The pay isn't great but at least I'm putting food on the table.
I'm overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me. Why can't they just leave me a loan?
I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate" He said, "The station?" "Well, I'm a bit late for the battle"
The Eurovision Song Contest winner is really from Greater Manchester. He's got a Wigan address.
#EurovisionSongContest2014 If I wanted to see a bunch of stupid foreigners who can't sing, I'd go to my daughters school musicals.
So i'm guessing that applications to join Rolf's Cartoon Club have slowed down a bit this week.