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Mr Old Lady
I just got ripped off by some Chinese bloke. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: 'Quick, Let's get it!' Boss Germ: 'NO, we must wait 5 seconds!'
I'm never having the sex talk with my son again. I'm sick of listening to him boasting.
Glass coffins to be the next craze? Remains to be seen.
I bought a new book today called "How to end your pet's life with dignity" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down.
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?" Dave starts sobbing as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.
Emma: "Will, why did you pick that song?" Will: "Because I'm a cunt"
Just switched The Voice on to have have a quick look at this years talent. Killed myself #GoodbyeCruelWorld
I locked myself out of my house this morning. On purpose. I was leaving, so I guess it's not a big deal.
I had a parcel delivered and it was covered in dribble and crayon. That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.
How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard!
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
While over in Mr T's house...... "Its April, Fools!"
I just got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, "That's just spam."
My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages. I said "Why? Your Mum's dead"
On Mother's Day, I always write poems about my mother's sudden death. She has said she'd prefer some flowers.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "Mother-In law" you get the words "Woman Hitler".
New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with shit parents.
You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.
No Make Up Selfie... Good luck with your nominations
I'm not saying Putin is humiliating Obama, but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way Apollo Creed died.
Whenever I see someone wearing a camouflage jacket, I shout, "ARGHHHH, A FLOATING HEAD!" so they know it's working.