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Heaven Sartorius

Zeus, thank you for bringing so much joy to Noah and Kanes life. ❤️ @RomanAtwood @_little_britt_
RIP Zeus - You was a big part of our lives too. 😥…Y
Come and follow me on @musicallyapp - My name is @HXVSartorius - You are so amazing @jacobsartorius pls follow me xx
Everybody is complaining about how fucked up 2016 was, completely forgetting that the world mourned a dead gorilla for 4 months.
2016, you've had your warped fun now. Give us all a few days rest, this is all I want to see on the news until the……
Wow, another one gone far too soon..... RIP Sir Bradley Wiggins ('s career)
David Bowie, George Michael and Ronnie Corbett all had cameos in Extras and all died this year. Barry from Eastenders must be shitting it.
I'm staying up until Midnight on the 1st, just so that I can see 2016 die.
George Micheal died while eating a box of Cadburys Heroes. The singer is said to have choked on a careless Wispa.
Spare a thought for all those poor people who wasted their Christmas Night sitting through an hour of #Eastenders just to see someone die.
I wish I lived on Albert Square because I'd actually have a chance of dying today
Does anybody know if Cash Converters buy socks and Lynx sets, because I'm sitting on a goldmine here.
When your mum gets you and your brother matching clothes for Christmas
It's nearly time to push my body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
New year new me? Fuck that! New year, same me, I'm a fucking legend.
If there's one thing I've learned from TV is to not trust people with pixelated faces, they're always up to no good.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone
No Motivation November has really turned into Don't Care December.
The worst part about Christmas is having all of the best food in the fridge that you can't touch because "it's for Christmas".
The best part about getting a bus is watching other people run for the bus as it drives by.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is, 'What is never the answer?'
I reckon the Kardashians just pull names out of a hat.
In a few hours, one of these two will have access to the nuclear launch codes. Good luck America!
I've started a band called The Prevention. We're going to be better than The Cure.
I get so sick of trick or treaters at Halloween that I turn the lights out & pretended i'm not in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
The fact that America hasn't given Hillary & Bill Clinton the celebrity couple name, "Hillbilly", disappoints me.
Jesus walks into a bar with his twelve disciples. "Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus says to the barman, winking at the others.
We're happy to help the refugees and introduce Abdul into our home. He's only 8 years old..
I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive & thought: "Those bastards are hiding something tasty in there, I know it."
If Big Issue sellers smarten themselves up a bit & use soap, they may sell a few more copies. Christ, most of them look like bloody tramps!
I introduced my new girlfriend to my family yesterday.. My wife was bloody furious.
I like people watching. Mainly this one woman across the road..
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very difficult when holidaying in France.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone
They say a dog is a man's best friend But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes while taking a shit on my carpet
I was watching Jurassic park last night, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".
Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
I can't wait 2 C U tonight. XXX Me neither. The Pacifier The Pacifier? WTF? Oh, I thought we were ending our texts with Vin Diesel movies
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