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writingcomedy 389,038 followers
THIS. This is why the internet exists:… And why I can never quit you.
ROGUE! Yes! Thank you. And now I can sleep. Thanks, y'all.
...that's Hailey when she found out she was accepted into the Young Astronauts Program.
...that's a streak of grey hair that I'm not going to dye because it reminds me of that girl in X-Men.
...this is an unflattering picture I took accidentally but never deleted bc it's just so us.
...Here's when I was doing a signing out of state and someone gave me a brain and a live kitten.
...and Hedly Lamarr (with her original hair) at the moment I realized my two purchases were weirdly connected.
...and this angry dog who did not want me to tag him on Facebook but is probably not on twitter.
...and the decorations in my parent's trees.
...and Hailey feeding the poultry at my parents house.
...and this is the life-size Marie Antoinette statue in my living room. The scythe is just for Halloween.
...This is Rolly when we're watching tv. She stares at me nonstop and insistently pats my leg until I pet her.
So I'm going to stay in bed and tweet pictures from my phone. Because then I'm not sleeping or working. No one wins.
I'm at that weird stage of insomnia when I can't decide if I should just give up and get up to work or stay in bed in case sleep comes.
Don't be an asshole. Don't stalk people. Don't do something you know will make others feel unsafe. This is all basic stuff.
I'm surprised by the number of decapitated head stories you guys have.… It's less than I'd have thought.
@TheBloggess binge read your whole blog backwards end to beginning; it's like time traveling. Feeling a lot of emotions right now #mytribe
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Hey. I need your opinion on this decapitated head:…
One day I'm going to write all the children's books locked in my head. This is a page from one:…
...Related: I'm locking Hailey in a padded closet for the rest of her life.… My young cousin was caught in this Nepal blizzard/avalanche. He's alive & unharmed, according to last accounts...
"Just look at all this wood you can't have":…
#spookierbooks Of Mice and Maniacs. Gone with the Windigo. A Midsummer Night's Scream. Oliver (and) Twist(y the Clown).
me: Victor, I made us coasters! Him: You have a problem. me: Well, these coasters disagree.…
I don't want to brag, guys, but the side-eye I just gave John Grisham was so strong that it pulled my head around 360 degrees, like an owl.
Retweeted by TheBloggess… If you don't follow the reply threads you're missing out on the best parts of twitter.
@TheBloggess with that, you could be a urinator! (the old word for a diver, btw. which is much more interesting.)
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Also, last night I wrote about flame-throwing giant squid that were keeping me from using the toilet & now I find a diving bell? FATE.
@TheBloggess I want to see a movie where a minotaur climbs out of a diving bell.
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Scratch that. I want this:… I can use it as a tiny writing office. TAX-DEDUCTIBLE, VICTOR.… Found my Halloween costume. Now someone lend me...lots and lots of money.
@TheBloggess We can't kill squids with fire, and now this: “@UberFacts: About 600 American patients catch fire during surgery every year.”
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Don't mind me. I'm absolutely NOT practicing pushing compression past 6000%....
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@PatrickRothfuss @TheBloggess thousands of people are now going to crap on the floor or with a shotgun. IT WONT TAKE ME ALIVE.
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@TheBloggess Also, did you know an average squid can compress itself by 600%? Coincidentally, that's just enough to fit through your toilet.
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@TheBloggess It's like "American Horror Story: Swim Lessons"!
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@TheBloggess I'll take the blame here. I've been eating a lot of Sushi lately. It's obviously pushed them over the edge....
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@TheBloggess it's like Sharknado only with squids and fire. Squidferno?
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Yeah. "What the freaking-fuck" INDEED. Someone send food. I'm never leaving my house again.
My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends— It gives a lovely light. ~Millay… UPDATED! Y'all, we are THIS CLOSE to getting medicinal margarita machines for everyone. #SuperDoctor