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TheBloggess
writing comedy 381,820 followers
@TheBloggess Cats have a second invisible set of eyes. When you see them staring at walls, they're using their other set to see dead people
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@TheBloggess Maybe it's the legs to eyeLIDS ratio that' important. Cats have an 'extra' set... Oh, but do spiders have eyelids? Never mind.
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@TheBloggess The internet on Tuesdays is a very strange place.
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@TheBloggess So your cat is horny and it's wearing a strap-on. Gotcha.
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Okay, fine. Point taken. Yes, TECHNICALLY my cat is wearing a strap-on, but it's not a dildo. It's a horn. There's a difference.
My cat is not wearing a strap-on. It's sort of weird that I'm having to clarify that.
thebloggess.com/2014/07/i-thin… WHY DO CATS HAVE ALL THOSE EXTRA LEGS? Bonus: Cat unicorn.
@BrightStarts "Pills are not funny. They’re not toys. They’re deadly when placed in the wrong hands." shar.es/Ls86K via @the818
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40% don't give a shit and just want donuts. So I guess that's three categories, really.
thebloggess.com/2014/07/angry-… The world can clearly be divided into 2 categories of donut tasting. 25% agree with me. 25% agree with Victor.
Current poll results: 1596 ppl agree with me 1600 ppl with Victor. 2,643 ppl just want donuts. thebloggess.com/2014/07/angry-…
I'm having a very important argument with Victor and I need your input: thebloggess.com/2014/07/angry-… #DoesThisTasteColdToYou?
@TheBloggess in the airport publicly crying while reading about a woman burying her dog by herself. The people around me pretend I'm fine.
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Several planes & one lost pilot (srsly) later & I'm back in Texas. Victor & Hailey stayed up to give me hugs. There's no place like home.
@TheBloggess When she becomes a genius scientists on the road to world domination remind her that I am on her side.
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I'm sad to miss the last day but I have a small munchkin who wants to show me the robot she programmed. pic.twitter.com/YyoaiZiaPQ
Did it. And people laughed. Or pretended to. And now I can breathe. #blogher14 pic.twitter.com/zf32D62sBM
About to go on stage. Thank you for last night. You really helped.
For real, is it too late to give away my @BlogHer ticket? Full conference pass! #BlogHer14 I can't use it. Cc: @TheBloggess
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@TheBloggess Taking to bed is never failure! If I could, I'd declare my bed a sovereign nation.
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@TheBloggess What a lot of people don't realize about Angela Lansbury is she's an excellent kisser.
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@TheBloggess In case it makes any difference, here a picture of my cat hiding in the fridge pic.twitter.com/i74075jiuK
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It's still light out and I'm in bed for the night. Sipping hot tea & doing breathing techniques. I am the Angela Lansbury of #BlogHer14
@TheBloggess I call it "insulation". It keeps out the drafts, and drafts are no good for body or soul.
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@TheBloggess Chalk it up to the whimsy of a blanket tent!
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