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writing comedy 379,631 followers
@TheBloggess I do believe I'm close to getting a chip bag clip. Super excited.
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At 2 million followers you get the tote bag to carry your gravy boat and pickle fork around.
@TheBloggess You're aiming too high, girl. If you get just 17,000 more followers, you can get an extra hour in the ball pit!
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@TheBloggess NICE. I only need 180 more for a signed Bo Bice CD.
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Just to clarify: You get a gravy boat at a million followers. At a half million you get a pickle fork. This is what I've heard.
@TheBloggess lighter on the gravy, loveycuddles. go for the cold-meat fork @ 418,000
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@TheBloggess @BlogHer I always call and ask "how often do you wash your balls?"
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"Why are you asking for a ball pit?"… All future conferences should have a ball pit. NEVER FORGET.
@TheBloggess for $17,000 you'll get an extra hour in the pit
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I'm doing a keynote at the BlogHer conference next week. If they don't offer a ball pit I will be very disappointed. cc:@BlogHer
I'm at that point of insomnia when I start to think that bangs are a good idea.… Trying to convince Victor I need two of these for each hand when I'm in dark alleys. Daintiest brass knuckles ever.
@TheBloggess the points you get come from their IQ. Idiots are unable to reclaim lost points.
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You should get points for that. I don't know what they'd go toward, but I'd have a lot of points.
You know when you want to yell at someone on the internet for being an idiot, but then you don't because they're an idiot?
...Related life-hack: Avoid stores that only go up to size 12 if you're a size 16. I'm still learning that one. Obviously.
Life hack: If you can't fit into the largest dress then just take a pic in the fitting room & pretend it zipped up.
Metaphorically, I mean. I can't get my mind to behave. My brain is a real bastard sometimes.
My head is stuck.
Hailey, Victor and I are all home together for the first time in over a week. And now I can sleep. Thank God for small, beautiful things.
And the correct answer is: "Too many, Bob. Too many." Also acceptable: "Is something crawling on me?" and "NONO MAKEITSTOP."