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writing comedy 373,197 followers
Everyone I know feels out of control & unbalanced right now. I blame the blood moon. And allergies. And not having enough popsicles.… And that's how we're going to solve the problem of assholism. One step at a time, you guys.
It's always around this time when I pull out my sleeping pills and quietly whisper, "You lying bastards."
@TheBloggess Jesus would probably help you with that rage *ducks*
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*deep breath* Sorry. Just a teeny bit furious at a hashtag that's now gone. Nothing to do with me personally. Just struck a nerve.
@TheBloggess STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET was Hitchcock's worst film.
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@TheBloggess Here's a winking cat in a bow tie to make you feel better.
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I'M SO MAD AT STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW. (And this might be a sign that I need to walk away.)
So there's my problem. Not enough God. Thanks, triggering hashtag.
"I'm telling you Denise, I walked through the door and she was just stood like this eating my fucking Porridge!"
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Half-naked in a swamp & covered in a pound of baby powder while someone finds a lighter for the smoke-bombs. It was a good day.… So, this is what I'm doing today. If I survive or don't get arrested it should be awesome.… I bid on these over the phone. I was very, very quickly outbid and wept salty tears.
Things are awesome. Things are awful. Both of these things are true.
I'm finally reading @TheBloggess' book for the Answerly book club! Very excited about this one.…
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Weird question: Has anyone been to Lost Maples (Tx) this month? Is there water in the creeks?… Warning: If you do this 10 times in a row you get wobbly and fall over. Don't ask how I know.… Even I would have a hard time putting that in my house.
@TheBloggess Also “Oh, I think that guy used to be the one who was the other actor."
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Me watching the latest Game of Thrones episode: "Who's that?" "Who are they?" "Why is this happening?" "I REMEMBER NONE OF THIS."
@TheBloggess would you promote my video about domestic violence if I made you FAaB chocolate chip cookies?…
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Who exactly is waiting for #NationalBeerDay to drink beer? Is there a #NationalBreatheOxygenDay too?
"HOW CAN YOU BE SURE YOU'RE NOT DEAD?" The cats haven't started eating me yet. That's always the first sign.
It's amazing how many of you prefer to believe Facebook and assume I'm just too daffy to realize I'm dead. I love you people.