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TheBloggess

writing comedy 339,126 followers
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Just saw a dozen cars patiently stop for 5 minutes to let a gaggle of ducks cross the road. I needed that.
Today, when Hailey comes home, I have to tell her that her great-grandma has died. I do not like this day.
Just realized that the guy I just snarked at has way fewer followers than I do. I think I just bullied my own governor. Twitter is weird.
So, we have this awesome boar head. If someone doesn't want him, he's going in the trash. :( Help, @TheBloggess? pic.twitter.com/WeGmhb7Ktb
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Two cougar attacks this week in our new neighborhood. Oh, Texas. You do like to keep us on our toes.
elizabethbanks.com/blog/post/the-… Remember when I interviewed @ElizabethBanks about porn? Because that just happened.
thebloggess.com/2013/05/me-and… FYI...The internet is trying to destroy you.
@kburright @TheBloggess "Derpy Cougar" is the name of my Madonna cover band
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Oh, hell. That was supposed to be a DM. But I'm sending love to you too, twitter.
Sending love. I know you're okay but let me know if you need anything.
Again, here's a way to help if you're feeling helpless: Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to disaster relief. #Oklahoma
@TheBloggess Can you RT? Best way to help tornado victims is to donate at redcross.org or text REDCROSS to 90999. #oktornado
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@TheBloggess They're talking about you in the UK today. (Why are you watching locals, anyway?) pic.twitter.com/wcniTDlOAK
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@TheBloggess WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE FROGS?!?!
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And yes, I realize that I'm very lucky to not be dead or starving or a frog in boiling water but LIFE IS STILL HARD FOR NON-FROGS SOMETIMES.
AAAAARGH. WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKING HARD SOMETIMES?!
@TheBloggess That pop-culture understanding where saying, "You look like Death in that last pic" is a compliment! pic.twitter.com/3hSxFlR8ib
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Sometimes you reach out to a stranger you admire & then discover they're already a fan of yours. The world is smaller than we think.
What the shit are you looking at? ~ Ferris Mewler. pic.twitter.com/rGh0ICa9rS
@TheBloggess My cousin is trying to raise $150 for cancer research. Could I get a tweet from you? tinyurl.com/cdhr6h3
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thebloggess.com/advertising-wi… New openings available starting on the first. Here's how to get one.
"Have you 'it'?" Is "it" grammatical awkwardness? If so, yes. pic.twitter.com/D98mQNv20N
When they get bored they watch tv. Because of course they do. pic.twitter.com/tUxLvRw9B7
My friend at Blackbird Antiques keeps her pugs at her store. DYING. pic.twitter.com/PQA1tSQw36
@TheBloggess checked my email today and received this gem from eBay. Thought youd like to know, they still love you. pic.twitter.com/yU518HNRGF
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@TheBloggess i was one of them. 599. thank you so much. it's so fucking hard, & some days i'm just so sick of trying. this road is too long
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3 people tonight sent comments about their depression. You aren't alone. Your friends & family need you. #depressionlies
The previous screamy tweets were brought to you by "not-enough-booze" and "why-do-I-read-posts-that-are-clearly-linkbait?"
Honestly, it's like me writing a post calling out people for cursing or owning too much taxidermy. PHYSICIAN, HEAL THY FUCKING SELF.
You know when someone writes something so blatantly hypocritical that you have to call a friend & yell: "WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?" Yeah.
Pretty sure that's @TheBloggess in front of me, transporting Beyonce the giant metal chicken. instagram.com/p/ZbbZ3nDG1I/
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It's never too early to teach your kid how to work a backhoe. pic.twitter.com/zgRg8FhbX5
thebloggess.com/2013/05/two-un… I'm probably going to offend a lot of people with this one.
Thoughts and prayers for those affected by the tornado in Texas.
Victor is at a tech conference watching Billy Idol and I'm home doing spreadsheets & being "responsible." I think we've switched lives.
thebloggess.com/2013/05/hunter… Cats are adorable and are possibly the spawn of Satan.
For those of you saying, "But I'm a Republican & I still love you," the feeling is mutual. Hell, I'm married to one of you.
I handed her a copy of my book on her way out. She seemed very nice. I doubt we'll ever hear from her again.
New neighbor just invited us to a "conservative, Republican get-together." Me: "Did Victor set you up to this?"
@TheBloggess it's a great shelter. Pro tip: when jogging or walking in downtown Austin, borrow a dog from them to keep you company.
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Shit. I think I just crashed a no-kill pet shelter's website. That ones's going to be hard to explain to Jesus.
austinpetsalive.org/adopt/availabl… Okay. I just donated $250 to sponsor The Doctor. SOMEONE GO ADOPT HIM NOW.
amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_no… And I'm also on the first page when you search "bobcat urine." I'VE MADE IT!
thebloggess.com/2013/05/any-pu… Holy crap, you guys. Please tell me any publicity is good publicity.