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writingcomedy 385,388 followers… I'm insulted. In several different ways.… Body-mounted cop cams = dramatic drop in use of force by police & # of citizen complaints. This has to happen.… Top 2 answers to "What is Dan Seals talking about?" poll: 1. I don't really care. 2. Who is Dan Seals?
@TheBloggess Apparently you went back in time. Oh, that's Hailey? Never mind then. Explains the absence of potato sack shoes, anyway.
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First day of 4th grade. How did this happen?
@TheBloggess There have been loads of bad episodes of #doctorwho but being a fan means u love them all the same like ugly babies
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Once a month we stop at the pet shop to snuggle animals when they host shelter adoption drives. THIS FACE.
#DoctorWho is trending. Yay! But it's trending from ppl disappointed in the new episode. Ah. Well, hell.
@TheBloggess I reread your book last night &, despite being as sober as I'm legally allowed to be, I was asked to leave the nude petting zoo
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She's also the only swan protester. Her sign: "WE'RE ALL =". Hard to argue with that.
Hailey - the narrating swan (in the dress) in the middle. Best swan ever. I might be biased though.
One hour of sleep. Now leaving to watch 4 straight hours of children's plays at Hailey's drama camp. Maybe not the most ideal combination.
Sleep would be nice. I don't think it's going to happen, but it would be nice.
@TheBloggess I recently got mace. A cop friend said to spray myself 1st. I thought he meant if someone attacked me because 1. forcefield..
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@TheBloggess "Yeah I've seen this before. Its probably just a demonic boogeyman who'll murder you in your sleep. Whelp...Night night!"
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@TheBloggess In the movies, this is point where the intruder is OMG STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
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Oh. Sorry. I think some of you thought I was building up to a joke, or at least a more dramatic end. Crap. I've disappointed you.
...Security & Victor checked the house and yard. No intruder. Security guard suggested it might be a poltergeist. I need a drink.
...Called security while Victor stalked the house with a samurai sword...
...The cats started growling. Thought I heard someone outside. Screamed & ran...
So. Working in the dark when l heard a loud crash. Went to investigate and found the (always locked) back door wide open...
Family mystery solved by @danielaorlando_… Thank God for twitter. (It was Jindřichu, pronounced yin-drzee-khoo)
...Related: They were Bohemian and spoke Czech-Tex so it's possible that's not even a real word. Or it might be profanity. Hard to tell.
Any fluent Czech speakers out there? My gran called her husband something that sounded like "Encircle" or "Insirco". Czech for Henry?
'What the shuddering fuck' needs to be more widely used. I'm going to count on @TheBloggess to spread the word
Retweeted by TheBloggess… Hailey couldn't find a spiral notebook she liked so she designed one. She's quite proud.
#SupernaturalRomComs He's Just Not That Into Unicorns
#SupernaturalRomComs Four Weddings and a Frankenfish just occurred to me that I probably should have put that sentence in context. Hang on. Let me try again...
I seem to have misplaced today.
@TheBloggess Woodman Institute Museum aka the museum of taxidermy of questionable quality i.e this bear in a top hat.
Retweeted by TheBloggess… Kindness in #ferguson and how you can help even from home.
@TheBloggess ...maybe a little from column 'a' and a little from column 'b'....
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I'm never sure if Hunter S. Thomcat is legitimately not a morning person or if he's sarcastically impersonating me.… So far, 5,800 think this is one popsicle and 4,400 people are probably liars.
Stayed up past my bedtime last night to watch, @iamjohnoliver tear into racism and militarization in #Ferguson…
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What happens when you lock @BadAstronomer and I in a room with balloons, cheese, and math:…