The government isn’t allowed to spy on you through your Xbox One. Good thing I’m not the government.
Big Batman vs. Superman announcement! Batman is still better. That is all.
The PS4 didn’t pass my standard “getting run over by the Batmobile” test. Fail, Sony.
When you're Batman, every day is a Monday.
Can’t wait for Homeland tonight! It’s my favorite comedy on TV right now.
The PS4 isn’t that impressive when you have a batcomputer. Just saying.
Batkid saves San Francisco. He didn’t send as many thugs to the ICU as I’d have liked, but I guess he’ll do. Nice work, kid.
Arkham inmates having trouble signing up for Obamacare. Not sure if it’s the crappy website, or because I broke their hands.
Remember to thank a veteran and dismantle a terror cell today. Actually, let me handle that last part. You can just thank a veteran.
I’m still half-convinced Blockbuster was a long, drawnout Joker plot.
I won’t kill you. But I never said anything about your stupid cat.
This year for Halloween I’m going as the guy who beats up d-bags dressed as Robin Thicke.
Don’t worry. Watching the new X-Men trailer will only get you a warning. Liking it however, is at least a broken leg.
Can someone explain to my butler what “Dry Clean Only” means? It’s impossible to strike fear into the hearts of criminals in a tiny cape.
I know Batman vs zombies sounds cool, but when you think about it, it’s REALLY COOL.
No, I’m not standing in line to buy Arkham Origins. I already tear-gassed a GameStop for a copy this morning.
Robin, if you mention One Direction again, the only direction you’re going is fired.
Batman or Batman not. There is no try.
When you are afraid and begin doubt everything you thought you knew, remember this: The Batman will never cuff his jeans.
When Banksy comes to Gotham I’m going to buy one of his pieces for the cave, then break his arm for vandalism. I’m tough but I’m fair.
Is the government working again yet? I prefer ignoring national parks when they're open.
I might add Dental Coverage to the Robin Benefits plan. If any of them ever lasted long enough to qualify.
Government spiraling into chaos, Bane escaped Blackgate, and Joker just gassed a K-Mart. My kind of Happy Hour.
I told Lucius I wish he could make me new parents to replace the ones who got murdered. He felt so bad he made me some slick new jet-boots!
When there are days it seems like evil is winning, remember: Batman mostly works nights.
So excited. "Agents of I.D.O.N.T.G.I.V.E.A.C.R.A.P." is on.
I wasn’t going to put anyone in the hospital tonight. But that mugger’s chin just had to look like Affleck’s.
Well. You can scratch “waterboarding” off the “ways to tell if an Avocado is ripe” list.
Considering growing a soul patch. Just to see the look on Joker’s face.
If anyone is going to hold the government hostage, I prefer a madman in a Bane mask to a bunch of dickhead politicians.
It’s official. Congress has a lower approval rating than the Joker.
Robin, if you send me another selfie we are done professionally.
Pulled the power to Joker’s hideout during the last 5 minutes of the Breaking Bad Finale. And he says I don’t have a sense of humor.
Ok, Breaking Bad. Last chance to have Batman show up and string Walter White to a floodlight for the Albuquerque Police Commissioner.
I'm sure you're a nice guy, Josh Groban. But when it comes down to it, I'm saving you last.
Alfred, I get you're mad I didn't listen to you about not fighting with an open bullet wound. But you STILL HAVE TO TRIANGLE CUT MY PB&J!
Let me know when it’s called “Agents of B.A.T.M.A.N.”
Smile. It makes it your teeth an easier target.
If you whip it at a mugger’s head hard enough, the new iPhone actually makes a pretty good batarang.
The stupid pink icons in iOS7 are making it very hard to brood effectively.
I am the original American Psycho. With more pushups and less axe murdering. Love for Huey Lewis & the News about the same.
It’s not who we are underneath. But who we choose to kick in the groin that defines us.
Science hasn’t proven playing GTA will lead to more car theft. But I’m going to slam your head into your PS3 anyway.
Left fist: Insult. Right fist: Injury.
Not even Zack Snyder is stupid enough to cast Bieber as Robin. And he made Ben Affleck Batman.
I’m not saying I don’t like football, I’m just saying it’s more fun for me when a madman in a mask tries to blow up the stadium.
I swear by the night, by my family name, and by the eternal flame of justice, to never watch an episode of Duck Dynasty.
I don’t believe in superstition. I AM superstition.
When is Keurig going to invent a utility belt adapter?