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The Batman
comics 489,121 followers
The official title is “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.” Runner up was “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Superman’s Long Hospital Stay.”
New batsuit revealed. Looks like somebody finally got my muscles right. pic.twitter.com/YzfacFpzdT
It looks ridiculous, but fighting sharks is actually really hard.
Raise your hand if you've been watching the Batman: Arkham Knight trailer on a loop for the past 8 hours. youtube.com/watch?v=NkuD0I…
You snubbed Batman, Academy. NOBODY SNUBS BATMAN.
Didn’t have the heart to tell Mr. Freeze I overheard him belting out “Let it Go." Better he finds out when he sees it on my YouTube page.
We all agree American Hustle is a sequel to Dark Knight where a fat Batman time travels to take down a bunch of corrupt politicians, right?
Sometimes I throw a lavish Oscar party just so I can crash through the skylight.
Do I have “please dress up in a green bodysuit and take a busload of nuns hostage” written on my forehead today?
I hope I never to have to use my bat-bobsled. But that’s no excuse not to have one. Or six.
Is there anything more satisfying than the sound of a ‘98 Explorer roof collapsing after you toss a man from a second story window?
Joker rigged Robin and a box of Krispy Kreme donuts with explosives. Not enough time to save them both. …. GIVE ME A MINUTE, I’M THINKING!!
Thinking about actually HIRING Mister Freeze to make this figure skating competition more interesting.
Thanks for all the birthday well wishes. Oh look, my parents didn’t get me anything again. Because they’re dead.
Alfred, my birthday is today. If I see a cake someone's getting talked to. If I see a balloon artist someone's getting maimed.
Ugh. Is there anything worse than the winter Olympics? Yes, I’m including supervillain attacks in that list.
Bob Costas’ headquarters looks like the inside of the Fortress of Solitude. I wonder if his pink eye can shoot heat vision?
Just think, in a year and a half you’ll be watching Affleck Batman. But wishing for Lego Batman.
Was I the only one waiting for them to drop the torch on the ground and watch the flame grow into a giant batsymbol in the stands?
I predict Leno's last Tonight Show will be a lot like the end of The Dark Knight Rises. He's been delivering bombs for the last 22 years.
If Robin was as excited for agility training as he is for a new Vampire Diaries, maybe he wouldn’t have died in a hail of tommy gun bullets.
When life knocks you down, just remember: your opponent has essential tendons in their ankles and you have spikes on your gauntlets.
The next person that tells me to “find my bliss” is getting a fistful of bliss right in the kneecap.
There are two types of underwear in the world. Those with batsymbols on them and those not in my drawer.
Wow, Broncos. I haven't seen anything this humiliating since Robin... Yes, that's the end of the sentence.
Peyton will shred Seattle’s secondary if they let him sit in the pocket -- Got that from an illegal bookie right before I choked him out.
We lost a great talent today. Philip Seymour Hoffman, you will always be my fantasy casting choice for the Penguin. Rest in Peace.
My Super Bowl predictor: Kick a mugger in the face. If his jaw breaks, Seahawks win. If his eye socket fractures, Broncos take it. Science.
Jesse Eisenberg is Lex Luthor. I guess you don’t kill 500 million Metropolis citizens without making a few Kryptonian enemies.
Sometimes I watch that Ben Affleck Daredevil movie before going out on patrols. Then let the rage do the rest.
It’s not speeding if it’s on rooftops.
Those are titanium-toed, double-cleated, tactical sidekick boots Robin. THEY DON'T COME IN A "CHUKKA."
Attention. Moving forward, the word “awesome” will be replaced by the word “Batman.” Carry on.
Hey Bieber, my fists wanted me to tell you you’re welcome to drunk drag race in Gotham anytime, buddy!
My legs are trapped in a solid ice cube. But more painful is how long it took Victor to come up with “It’s snow ice to finally freeze you.”
Whoever said “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” was probably Superman. Because his costume is retarded.
We all have an inner batsignal that calls us to greatness. Or in my case, the ACTUAL batsignal.
I also have a dream. Unfortunately it’s a recurring nightmare where my parents are gunned down in a dirty alley. I like MLK’s better.
I’m torn. While Bieber would literally be the lamest villain of all time, kicking him in the face would be so much fun.
Dear members of the Academy. A vote for an actor other than Christian Bale, is a vote for broken knees. Look, I don’t make the rules.
Gravity gets my vote for Best Picture. I’ll honor any film that sends the worst Batman drifting off into space. Spoiler.
We’ll have to make them large orders...to avoid suspicion. uncrate.com/stuff/dark-mot…
How to be Batman. 1. Start working out. 2. Reach your physical peak. 3. Realize you still suck. 4. Give up.
The best lie detector is a zip line, concrete, and urine-soaked pants. Or you could just use a polygraph machine like a sucker.
Joker says I never smile. Truth is, I smile a lot. But when I do all the witnesses are unconscious and suffering multiple fractures.
It’s a good fight when you can’t tell whose blood is on your armor. Yours or theirs.
The polar vortex situation is almost enough to make my arctic batsuit not look stupid. Almost.
Call me nostalgic, but a polar vortex just isn’t a polar vortex without ice skating penguins firing surface-to-air missiles at you.
Joker just blew up City Hall. And as I ran towards the blaze, all I could think was “Ben Affleck is playing Batman.”
Hey Michael Bay, next time the prompter goes out just drop a smoke bomb, throat punch the Samsung guy, and skyhook out.