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Josh Carter
20 years from now when you have a baby in the hospital, the politically correct thing for the doctor to say will be "its a boy"
I wonder if @CVS_Extra realizes that photos have been out of order at their myrtle wyckoff location for a year and a half
Based on twitter's reaction #RachelDolezal is a hell of a lot more brave than #CaitlynJenner. Jokes are fun, but to get angry/offended???
Guess how many keys are in here and win $1000. Come by to the @nooklyn tent at bushwick block party…
Another packed out #zebracakefriday if you weren't here, you're missing out!
The best time to go to the dmv is when you're already heartbroken
Transphobia is the reason why I've never been butt naked near a running fan
Never order combo # H1N1 at your local Chinese take out spot
Just saw "Whiplash" last night. One of the best non entertaining movies I've ever seen. No wonder it got so many oscar nods
I will always be jealous of "morning people"
Mucus: not quite liquid, not quite solid, not quite Jell-O
If any of you have trouble falling asleep at a reasonable hour, I highly recommend "Enemy" with Jake Gyllenhaal on Amazon Prime #fb
Ever find a great deal on an East Village apt, and your friends from Detroit and Alabama chime in like they're equal?
Don't you hate that guy that adds to what you say & thinks he's as funny and original as you? It's like the Disney remake of my classic
I'm on frantic tonight at @TheStandNYC. Free tickets if you show up before Showtime! (10pm) #fb
I've seen better fights in IHOP parking lots #MayPac #MayweatherPacquiao #FightNight
We live in a society where if you order a $20 medium rare burger and it comes back well done, YOU'RE the dick for saying something
How about that dude at the gym who doesn't let you get on the machine he's been reading next to for the last 20 min
The only category McDonald's is still #1 at is pies
A tow truck driver can be your best friend in a time of greatest need, or your worst enemy and obliterate your perfect day
Just saw a female traffic cop who looked exactly like Michael Jackson
One more thing for the women of NYC to be paranoid of #MenWithStorage
Excuse me, @CoryBooker. I hate to bother you but can you do me a favor and run for president?

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