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comedy 141,173 followers
I don't need to engage in #SpookyBroadway because actual Broadway is scary enough.
Retweeted by TedInJest
If a tree falls in the forest ... and can anyone see this tweet?
Things are going precisely as planed.
When I’m in a strange room and I can’t find a light switch I clap twice quickly and I pray.
Retweeted by TedInJest
#NationalPoetryDay always reminds me of Emily Dickinson... and that man from Nantucket.
Watched all 25 eps. of The Blacklist in 8 nights. Now let me see if I can put together an Ally Sheedy marathon. #unrelatedfactthursday
Did u notice I came up with a new variation on that old "bay gull" joke? That's how close I am to completely running out of ideas.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over a bagel?
How many Short Circuit films are there?
He said, "I think I ran over something with my car." She said, "What was it?" He said, "Oh, it's like a big box with windows and 4 wheels."
BREAKING: Netflix to begin streaming films before they're even produced.
The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Full Album):
Julia Pierson admits that she was distracted from her post as director of Secret Service by her mission to capture Jack Bauer.
So it's October what's everyone going to be for Halloween?
Retweeted by TedInJest
"Oh, you're from 'The Goodbye Girl'! I always wondered what happened to you," she breathed. Restrained myself from saying, "I died in Nam."
Retweeted by TedInJest
Someone gave me an expensive guitar for a gift ... but I think there are strings attached.
Oh Yoshimi They don't believe me But you won't let those Robots defeat me
The sooner you ignore a tweet, the sooner you will not retweet it.
The biggest mistake you can make on Facebook is using the Sign Up form.
Apparently they took one look at Windows 9 and immediately grabbed an old copy of Windows XP and slapped a Windows 10 sticker on it.
Hate it when I don't know what the letters stand for in a hashtag. #dukwimow
CORRECTION: Eric Holder is not Stedman Graham. #OprahWinfrey #Oprah
CNN Entertainment is reporting that Janeane Garofalo turns 50 tomorrow. Riveting reporting.
BREAKING: Eric Holder is stepping down as attorney general so that he can devote more time to Oprah.
Does anyone still use Twitter?
I believe 'autumn' is from the Latin... meaning winter clothes in the morning, spring clothes in the afternoon.
Some foods aren't good enough to deserve to have calories.
BREAKING: Guinness World Records set to declare U2's "Songs of Innocence" the Most Deleted Album of all time.
He said, "But I'm lost without you!" She said, "Buy a GPS."
Never underestimate the power of spell-chuck.
Advice from 6-year-old neighbor on kid at college: "You'll get used to it. When my sister was born, I had to get used to it. And I did."
Retweeted by TedInJest
BREAKING: To celebrate the decision to remain a member of the United Kingdom, everyone in Scotland receives a free U2 album!
Gatorade | Made in New York ft. Derek Jeter…. I thought this was great. Jeter is #ClassAct!!!
Retweeted by TedInJest
The best things in life are free ... and so are many of the worst things.
Honk if you love peace and quiet!
If you can't say something nice about a person, send your resume to TMZ.
Urban Outfitters hits new low with faux blood-stained Kent State sweatshirt
Retweeted by TedInJest
Mind over madness.
If you say that you're someone's biggest fan, that's not necessarily a compliment.
Retweeted by TedInJest
Spelling doesn't mutter to me.