No matter what JOKE I crack there's always that ONE person taking it dead seriously. Christ. How everyone else get the joke but you?
Ew this new twitter update needs to take a seat 👎
Comey: He's guilty
Democrats: He's guilty
Trump: I'm guilty
Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this
"Hey can I borrow your homework?"
"yeah, just change it a little so they can't tell you copied"
Now more than ever we need a special prosecutor to determine whether there was collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.
Powerful video from @Shareblue
: This is how dictatorships start.
Stop letting idiots ruin your day
Employees fired by Trump:
Employees investigating Trump:
The whole room when Kendrick takes over
Republicans: "Why didn't she report her assault?"
Also Republicans: "Sexual assault is a pre-existing condition you can be denied care for."
I feel like America keeps getting fouled and the refs aren't calling it.
I got straight A's in History. Was always interesting and alive to me. Kids, PLEASE pay attention in Hist. Class. Our @POTUS
DID NOT. #sad
Chance really plays Rock, Papers, Scissors with his fans on tour haha. That's awesome.
Evidence that Humans are smarter than Cats: We don’t chase Laser dots on the carpet. We’re not afraid of Vacuum Cleaners.
Stay lowkey and mind your own business
Alternate universe where Scooby Doo is voiced by Nick Offerman in his normal speaking voice.
6. This never fails to make me laugh vine.co/v/e7p2tluBFQq
You have to be patient when you're in the process of creating your reality. Rushing things makes you doubt yourself. Just relax and believe
There is absolutely nothing in the world that could ever be more fantastic than having @TatumJS
for a cc:
I defied gravity last night.
Unpopular opinion: Beauty and the Beast isn't the best Disney movie. Not even close.
Me: *getting ready for a date*
Me: *starts doing vocal warm-ups*
Me: ...wait. Oh.
Just because you are offended, it doesn't mean you are right. :)
Opera singer: "I am a firm believer in the scientific method"
Opera singer with a cold: *burning sage and rubbing themselves w crystals*
If you don't have any shadows, you're not standing in the spotlight. -@ladygaga
and also @DodgerNCo
I'm starting to think the biggest key to making great art is ignoring 98.8% of the things people say you should care about
you're bad and boujee i'm sad and "who she?"
You know you're winning when you're happy for no reason. When you don't attach your happiness to anything or anyone, you become free.
Concert April 8. Johnson City. ONE NIGHT ONLY. Retweet and share 👍P
I have the best friends.
: "That was the night I decided that sexuality is fluid and so were her hips."
Theatre's weird af
: "Are we gonna practice his licking or no?"
#rehearsalquotes #theatrelyfe #wtf
*airplane seatbelt sound dings*
Music major: "That's a minor third"
should i download another dating app or jam these frozen fish sticks in my eyes
u know these people r bout to name their kid mckayleigh or braxtynn
I have an annuity and I need cash now
Me: CALL JG WENTWORTH 877-CASH-NOW
Don't allow anyone to kill your vibe. When you're in a good place, protect it.
Pro-tip: if a native English speaker makes fun of you for having an accent when speaking English - ask them how many languages they speak
Me: Why can't I sleep?
Also me: *listens to scary Reddit stories until 3 am every night*
I genuinely don't know how to finish things in a timely manner. Everything I've ever done was thrown together at the last possible second
I just lost 5 GB of music from my phone. #itsfine
i really miss one direction
Top 3 phobias
3) disappointing people
effort is a two way street
When you try to keep up with Beyoncé's key changes at the end of love on top but God has other plans for you