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If you eat at Cracker Barrel & say 'Kenny Rogers' three times, he'll appear & sing while someone steals your house, your truck & your woman.
I just made coffee without using a Keurig like the pioneers did in the olden days so I'm basically a barista now if anyone needs anything.
When wife hands you lemons, you'd better remember how to make the lemonade, because if she told you once-she told you a million times.
*SLIDES INTO YOUR DM's LIKE*
Nice try, yield sign. I can barely spell yield, much less grasp the concept. I can go? When? What? Now? Is that dude stopping?
Shout out to the top 4 Bridges of all time, Jeff, Todd, London, and of Madison County.
*unlocks the cage & lets my demons out to play*
"I'm just going to focus on me."
Translation: I'm single and I hate everyone.
What's the opposite of into you?
Left my earbuds at home and now I have to listen to life like some sort of savage.
Oh, I thought The Bachelorette was about bachelor hobbits. This is stupid.
You dream of being a thousand different things.
But, in the end, all you are is a scar.
I think I'm at a good place in my life
-I think to myself as I lay down in the fetal position on train tracks
I'm pleasant to talk to if you like mean people.
i'll go well out of my way to avoid pronouncing the word "açaí"
I mark all automated "Thanks for following" DMs as abusive. You can never be too safe with sickos like that.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Never trust a guy with more than zero rhinestones on his jeans.
You can't fall off the wagon if you always just take an @Uber
I am destined for lateness.
I don't think I'll do life today.
[waits for the drugs to kick in]
Valerie on FB said "I never rant but here goes".
Someone knocked on Valerie's door and she is safe.
Valerie is safe you guys.
Hell yeah! I didn't waste my penny in that wishing well, McDonald's just announced they'll be serving breakfast all day.
*Chewing on Altoids cause **it's refreshing
**I'm dying inside
There are hidden miracles everywhere in this world, you just have to find them.
I just want whatever drugs Tigger was on.
Dances with Wolves is my favorite movie about something I really wish you'd try.
The best part about working 7 days a week is every day feels like Friday. Or Monday. Did I say best part? What year is it? Who's president?
So I guess I'm sharing this Diet Coke with my butt? instagram.com/p/5ljFEWqU1j/
In the sage words of the lyrical Bubba Sparxxx, "get it ripe, get it right, get it tight" which best explains my fruit buying theology.
9 year old me: Can I go to the bathroom?
4th grade teacher: I don't know. CAN YOU?
-1st memory of wanting to stab someone
I'm an extrovert who got along well in high school (did not in middle school) and I have no food allergies. On the internet, I am a unicorn.
Do u ever screw up a hug so bad you have to take 10 min to mentally recover from it & then avoid that person for the rest of your life?
My heart skips a beat everytime I see my Wife
having my phone in her hand.
I'm going to get so trashed that I don't remember what's his name...🙌🏼🙅🏻
How come they keep making all these Mission "Impossible" movies? Obviously the missions ARE possible. That's why there's like 5+ movies...
Being a gentleman never goes out of style.
You know, for some people, the struggle is fake.
Having a high IQ has its benefits, like over-thinking, anxiety, sleeplessness, second guessing, restlessness, intimacy issues, etc.
I am like the best friend a person could possibly have, but I would never help someone bury a body. Cremating it is so much easier.
I was an extra in this #Sharknado3
roller coaster scene, They said it would all make sense when we saw the finished film. They lied.
I love my #giShWhes
I'm no expert but if you "cross the streams" & confuse DC universe with Marvel Universe it's as if million fan voices cry out in terror ..
I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE REPUTATION TO DESTROY ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
Donald Trump is the wind beneath my reasons for not trusting politicians.
Performing tonight with @stockejock
, and many more at the @AlchemyComedy
theatre at 7:30! Fun times!!