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Nathan
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My favorite cup size is probably Reese's Peanut Butter Cup-I'll be home alone tonight if anyone wants to watch Star Wars with me & my cats.
Wife: How was your day? Me: Terrible. No one liked my tweets. Wife: No, what did you do at work? Me: I just told you.
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Just ended a 6 hour 'I love you more' stand-off with my girlfriend by telling her I love her more or we're breaking up, so I'm single again.
Never trust someone who tells you to trust them. Trust me.
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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Taylor Swift smells like cheese
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To child: The good news is that when you're a grownup, you can eat ice cream for dinner. The bad news is that it's because you're depressed.
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The best gift of love are not diamonds or roses. It is focused attention.
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Don't put your baby on the phone to talk to me unless you want me to put my dog on the phone to talk to you.
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I need to get drunk solely because I just realized that most of my favorite albums from my youth are now old enough to drink.
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I'm not agreeing to disagree--I'm saying that your opinions are terrible and mine are great
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when u try hard to get ahead in life
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*seconds from falling asleep* Brain: In Supernatural, is Sam - or Dean - the Luigi? *stays awake pondering this forever*
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Does your therapist get a percentage of your followers?
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*goes to sleep just so that I can stop eating everything*
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Rest easy knowing you are not alone, even if you think you should be:
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You manage to make me just fall for you even at the smallest things.
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There isn't a soul who controls my mouth. It's been me this whole time. I'm my own worst enemy; think I should instead be my best friend.
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I'm always unprepared in every other way.
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In a perfect world, the phrase "axe body spray" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
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I usually lack will power when I start a new diet, but just now I only sucked the orange powdered cheese off of an entire bag of Doritos
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When he's gone I wear his cologne. I wear his shirt. That's as close to him as I can be that day.
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I will get mad at you if you can't read my mind.
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Taking a break from all social media for awhile so just text me the pics of your cats
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A butterfly lands on my big toe and all I can think about is how badly I need a pedicure
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For the past week, a tiny spider has been struggling to wrap up a big insect in the corner of my bedroom, & it's like, heavy metaphor much?
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FACT: If you yell, you're never wrong
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Location location location! The 3 main factors when burying a body. I have a cozy swampland near a good public school if you're looking.
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ME: You're too close...back up a little please...more...keep going...a little more... HIM: *screams as he falls off cliff* ME: Keep going.
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Trump says Mexico is the new China, and all I can think about is how are they gonna fit a Corona in my fortune cookie.....
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If you have to ask yourself if they are worth it, they aren't
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I'm such a couch potato that I morphed into a bottle of Grey Goose.
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Never let someone who broke you try to fix you.
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Hey, guys. I'd like to formally apologize for the photo I posted on national dog day. I looked it up and you're right. I have a pet chicken.
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The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.
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Every young boy should be taught how to properly clean a fish, and throw the leavings in my neighbor Steve's pool, like a man.
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile. So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose. Now I'm smiling.
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I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them
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Aww...your baby is 14 weeks old? That's cool...football starts in 14 days. Shut up.
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I'm white but not "I think Rush is the greatest band of all-time" white.
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How men return shopping carts *run fast while pushing cart* *let go 7 feet from return area* *cheer crash & perfect fit into other carts*
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You don't have to be beautiful...but it helps.
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.
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Remember, please, drive crazy responsibly.
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Acting Good or Bad, looking Beautiful or ugly, and Rich or Poor are all irrelevant. Good hearted people always care about how others feel...
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how long have you lived in la? long enough to not think it's super weird when someone in their 30s tells me they have a roommate.
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Hello 911, someone on Facebook is taking me literally again "We'll send help right away"
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it's kinda odd that bears would even wanna care
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