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My favorite cup size is probably Reese's Peanut Butter Cup-I'll be home alone tonight if anyone wants to watch Star Wars with me & my cats.
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Terrible. No one liked my tweets.
Wife: No, what did you do at work?
Me: I just told you.
Just ended a 6 hour 'I love you more' stand-off with my girlfriend by telling her I love her more or we're breaking up, so I'm single again.
Never trust someone who tells you to trust them. Trust me.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Taylor Swift smells like cheese
The good news is that when you're a grownup, you can eat ice cream for dinner. The bad news is that it's because you're depressed.
The best gift of love are not diamonds or roses. It is focused attention.
Don't put your baby on the phone to talk to me unless you want me to put my dog on the phone to talk to you.
I need to get drunk solely because I just realized that most of my favorite albums from my youth are now old enough to drink.
I'm not agreeing to disagree--I'm saying that your opinions are terrible and mine are great
when u try hard to get ahead in life
*seconds from falling asleep*
Brain: In Supernatural, is Sam - or Dean - the Luigi?
*stays awake pondering this forever*
Does your therapist get a percentage of your followers?
*goes to sleep just so that I can stop eating everything*
Rest easy knowing you are not alone, even if you think you should be:
that's all I have to say
You manage to make me just fall for you even at the smallest things.
There isn't a soul who controls my mouth. It's been me this whole time. I'm my own worst enemy; think I should instead be my best friend.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I'm always unprepared in every other way.
In a perfect world, the phrase "axe body spray" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
I usually lack will power when I start a new diet, but just now I only sucked the orange powdered cheese off of an entire bag of Doritos
When he's gone I wear his cologne.
I wear his shirt.
That's as close to him as I can be that day.
I will get mad at you if you can't read my mind.
Taking a break from all social media for awhile so just text me the pics of your cats
A butterfly lands on my big toe and all I can think about is how badly I need a pedicure
For the past week, a tiny spider has been struggling to wrap up a big insect in the corner of my bedroom, & it's like, heavy metaphor much?
FACT: If you yell, you're never wrong
Location location location! The 3 main factors when burying a body. I have a cozy swampland near a good public school if you're looking.
ME: You're too close...back up a little please...more...keep going...a little more...
HIM: *screams as he falls off cliff*
ME: Keep going.
Trump says Mexico is the new China, and all I can think about is how are they gonna fit a Corona in my fortune cookie.....
If you have to ask yourself if they are worth it, they aren't
I'm such a couch potato that I morphed into a bottle of Grey Goose.
Never let someone who broke you try to fix you.
Hey, guys. I'd like to formally apologize for the photo I posted on national dog day. I looked it up and you're right. I have a pet chicken.
The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.
Every young boy should be taught how to properly clean a fish, and throw the leavings in my neighbor Steve's pool, like a man.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I'm smiling.
I start conversations with "As a vegan"
when I don't want to be friends with them
Aww...your baby is 14 weeks old? That's cool...football starts in 14 days. Shut up.
I'm white but not "I think Rush is the greatest band of all-time" white.
How men return shopping carts
*run fast while pushing cart*
*let go 7 feet from return area*
*cheer crash & perfect fit into other carts*
You don't have to be beautiful...but it helps.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.
Remember, please, drive crazy responsibly.
Acting Good or Bad, looking Beautiful or ugly, and Rich or Poor are all irrelevant. Good hearted people always care about how others feel...
how long have you lived in la? long enough to not think it's super weird when someone in their 30s tells me they have a roommate.
Hello 911, someone on Facebook is taking me literally again
"We'll send help right away"
it's kinda odd that bears would even wanna care