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Have a fantastic Saturday! I love you guys!
I haven't been touched in so long, I just faked like I was choking on this Costco sample so someone would give me the Heimlich maneuver.
I am the depression in my mattress.
Just woke up and had some pancakes, so I guess I'll be in bed until dinner time if anyone needs me.
I can't really do the whole boyfriend thing, mostly because of the restraining order.
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom's basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Does this Saturday alone in mom's basement make my depression look big?
🎶 Catterday, iii-in the dark, I'm so sad I want to cry, Catterday, iii-in the dark, I've given up and don't wanna try. 🎶
"Hey." - Fat Albert before OCD took over his life
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Thanks for the cup @jfrank50 !!! Let's toast to The FakeBook City! Follow her here---->
Come on, it's kinda hilarious that of all places, Germany banned Uber.
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Pumpkin Spiced "anything" is White Peoples "Fried Chicken"
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My Saturday morning alarm is set to the sound of my cat licking dried tears & ice cream off of my face as The Hallmark Channel comes back on
Life is like a box of chocolates, it gave me the diabeetus.
#FF: @stockejock, @MothaKim, and @WoodyLuvsCoffee. Check out some of their genius tweets on this weekend’s Laughs.
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I hope the Fashion Police show up in full force & write people tickets at Joan River's funeral because that's the way she would've wanted it
If you don't tell me 'I love you' with emojis, then it wasn't meant to be.
'Well-this bottle of Xanax isn't gonna take itself...' -Me, every Friday night
Sorry I threw a tailgate party in your grandma's church parking lot last Sunday during the sermon.
'Whats for dinner honey?' 'Meatloaf' 'I think we should see other people' 'Why?' 'Because I would do anything for love, but I wont do that'
Uh, yeah, I believe the politically correct term is "ice bucket challenged."
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I've gotten 67 emails from Papa John in a week. He wants me.
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I'm white, but not listening to Kenny G on my iPod at Starbucks & complaining about the spelling of my name on my pumpkin spice latte white.
You look so perfect standing there in my American Apparel underwear & I know now that you probably should've worn some pants to work today.
Judge not a man by the color of his skin, but by the speed of his WiFi.
-'Why you gotta be so rude?' -'It's because I think your song is stupid fool.' -'Well I'm gonna keep singing it anyway.'
Watch @LaughsTVShow this weekend for some great comedy & tweets from me and others! @DishNationSB
Is that song the Ewoks sing considered world music?
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Confession: I use my dog for his unconditional love.
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Me an my O.G. are on our way to steal yer girls!
Chris Collinsworth isn't even a real person anymore. It's just video game commentary blurbs held together with hair spray.
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Just saw Bob Costas on NBC-did his Sochi pink eye and he get a divorce? #NFLKickoff
Mele Kalikimaka is the way to say, 'I'm already planning a trip away this Christmas so my family won't stay with me & ruin my vacation.'
@stockejock While ur tweeting share my niece's story to #endchildhoodcancer to your gazillion followers. @OHOHKayla
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Grandmas drinking problem & dyslexia is why I got a 'piñata colada' paper mâché donkey filled with rum instead of candy for my 5th birthday
❤️ Don't go chasin' waterfalls, Let's just stick with those Joan Rivers jokes that we're used to. ❤️
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: Pumpkin Spice Axe Body Spray
A candy-filled piñata?.....I'd hit that.
Y.O.B.O (You Only Bey-Oncè)
This cold pizza for breakfast at 11am tastes like my father's disappointment.
I go to black twitter for the kool-aid.
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Spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte in the parking lot, and THERE WERE CAT LADIES EVERYWHERE.