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Nathan
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SONY is now recalling all of your North Korea Twitter jokes.
6h
I'm pretty sure I'm the only thing making this Christmas sweater look ugly. :(
6h
Cheers brah, after I'm done emptying this- I'm on my way to steal your girl! pic.twitter.com/wMkJ9D4oDz
6h
I hope Kim Jong Un doesn't tell Sony to make me stop playing Playstation 4.
8h
I bet Mark Cuban is ecstatic about this embargo finally getting lifted.
8h
BREAKING: Kim Jong Un just cancelled Christmas.
8h
What happens if Kim Jong Un decides he doesn't like the Avengers movies next? Do we go to war? Seriously.
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8h
My favorite filter for a person's mouth is duct tape.
9h
Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver, Being able to sleep without hearing grandpa snore anymore is priceless.
Bob from accounting is the biggest party pooper at the company Christmas party when he forgets to ask if dessert is gluten free.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: Instagram Filters, but for people's mouths.
Sorry I put your stupid Elf on the Shelf in the blender. Merry Christmas!!! pic.twitter.com/yMraZXphee
Apparently this was just a regular Christmas party until I showed up with my ugly sweater.
Maybe diseases don't want people. You don't know.
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"Why don't these cows milk themselves?" - Don Lemon, standing in a field
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The problem I have with other people's children is usually their parents.
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A picture says 1,000 words, but it was probably photoshopped.
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Your Facebook friend just "liked" committed relationships. It's 3am, ask about the break up.
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Dating tip: don't start screaming until after dessert.
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I haven’t eaten the whole day; does this mean that I’ll wake up as a supermodel tomorrow?
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Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.
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Even if you just woke up you should still call it a day.
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Manages to spend 2014 hiding under a rock *new level of anti social unlocked
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Never say more than you have to.
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If you're going to bury the truth, make sure it stays buried.
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I love you Just kidding I love wine 🍷... LOL
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Tell her how to write funnier tweets. OMG, chicks dig that so hard. Wait, no...correct her instead! Panty ex-plo-sion city, bro.
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"What's going on here" - my husband anytime his phone makes a noise. I think I'm safe.
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I'm having an extra glass of wine because I had to listen to a co-worker tell me about her dream today.
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delusional is my new comfort zone
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If I can hear the Christmas music playing from three houses away, I should be able to call the police.
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Do people that post selfies to Twitter not know about IG?
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I only excel at things that don't really matter and when no one is paying attention
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This just feels right *puts even more cheese on top of pizza*
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Please, more deep yet wryly comedic observations about twitter that everyone can relate to.
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Thanks for the trophy @dietredbull !!! Cheers to the extra holiday pounds! Follow her here---> favstar.fm/users/dietredb…
If anyone has any objections speak now or forever hold your peace *Mario slowly stands* Peach: HE HAS A CASTLE. YOU HAVE A PLUMBER'S CRACK.
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Do people who are sad know about bubble wrap?
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Thought about getting a Christmas tree but decided reading old love letters from exes would be cheaper way to trigger nostalgic depression.
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MY TOP 10 MOMENTS OF 2014 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) ex girlfriend in BMW waved at me as I walked home from Target carrying toilet brush 8) 9 10
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Make an effort to be more festive this Christmas by utilizing your empty antidepressant bottles as ornaments.
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I just watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show every year for the commercials.
Most folks will spend more on a Christmas sweater & parties this Christmas than they'll give to the poor. #Tweet4Meat pic.twitter.com/mcbFef9JIj
$1500 to goal! Some of you find that much in the dryer after the maid does laundry (yes I saw the SONY payroll leak). tinyurl.com/Tweet2014
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He's makin' a list, He's checkin' it twice, He's probably gonna check it thrice, OCD Santa is comin' to town!