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'I didn't choose the UGG life, the UGG life chose me.' -White Girls
If my Casio is correct, it looks like it's time to stop wearing mullets and faux leopard print banana hammocks.
Your day to fit in is almost here goth people!!! #Halloween
[hot girl at a party approaches me] HER: I really like your tattoos ME: Thanks *takes sip from juice box* I applied the stickers myself
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[Sci fi movie] How did you travel such a distance so fast? "I went through a wormhole." Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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"Daddy, what's your job?" "To keep you alive through your 18th birthday"
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"Netflix and Bill?" Sure! Wait, did u say Bill? [rolling uncle Bill up in a wheelchair] thanks for watching him he likes to watch jeopardy
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Me: *gets hit by something hard* 5-year-old: Snowball fight! Me: There is no snow. That was a rock. 5: Don't blame me for the weather.
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Wife: Enjoying your day off? Me: Yeah, I'm getting a lot done Wife: Did you get the fruit I asked for? Me: Sort of
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*when your Weight Watchers group celebrates for everyone hitting their weight loss goal*
I'm a pinned tweet in the streets and a draft tweet in the sheets.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: I'm still awake from National Coffee Day.
Guns don't kill people, people who get talked to before finishing their first cup of coffee kill people.
I wonder who's sponsoring #HurricaneJoaquin ...Fan Dual or Draft Kings?
I've never run a 5k, but every Halloween I walk 3 neighborhoods and collect my body weight in free candy.
Girl are you a trick-or-treater?...cuz you keep askin me for free stuff & you give me nothin-OMG, there's a bag of burning crap on my porch!
One thing I've been wise enough to learn from observation...NEVER, EVER MESS AROUND AND PISS OFF A WOMAN ON TWITTER...NEVER. Ok, good talk.
Like grandpa always said, 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?...because you want to eat steak-that's why.'
*when you finally meet your Twitter Crush in real life and he looks nothing like the pics he sent*
Me: Houston, we have a problem Whitney: 🎶And I-I-YIIIIIIIY will always loooove yooooo-ooou!🎶 Me: Can't we just have a normal conversation?
BREAKING: 'Hurricane Joaquin' has already destroyed many Hollywood sets on the west coast-now he's headed east.
Come see me in the Huffington Post's Comedy section!…
🎶Players gonna play, play, play Haters gonna hate, hate, hate Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake Shake it off�p9
I'll be going as slutty Donald Trump this Halloween.
I've never walked a mile in someone else's shoes, but once I went bowling and ate nachos in a rented pair at the bowling alley.
*jumps into your DM's like*
Goodnight moon Moon: Know why you're sleepy? No Moon: Same reason why you're talking to an inanimate object ??? Moon: You O'D on Ambien
My sleep number is watching a presidential debate.
Your doughnut shame-eating #BootyHadMeLike ❤️🍩8
Maybe we can go as twins for Halloween! @SchwartzAnnette
FAST & FURIOUS 107: Walmartian Drift
🎶Hey I just met you and this is craaaazy, But has anyone heard from Carly Rae Jepsen? We should call her maybe🎶
When attacked by a bear, play dead, do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight-bears love acting, dancing & the arts in general
Yeah I drink 8 glasses of water a day, but only after they've been heated, filtered through a Keurig pod full of grounds & poured into a mug
HAPPY NATIONAL *don't even think about talking to me until I'm finished with my first cup of* COFFEE DAY! #NationalCoffeeDay
Do I take sugar with my coffee? bet I do-it's called a doughnut! #NationalCoffeeDay @krispykreme
It sure would've been nice to have #NationalCoffeeDay yesterday so I would've had enough energy to stay up and watch the #SuperBloodMoon .
*slides into your DM's like*
Every Monday is pretty much one long panic attack scattered with naps and snacks.
Facebook is down again so now CrossFitters are going into donut shops across the nation showing everyone their Fibit stats. #facebookdown
Sure crossfitters, you can tell me all about you working out as long as I get to tell you all about me eating out.
It's only a matter of time before they start bottling more tap water from New York & labeling it 'Martian Water'. #MarsAnnouncement

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