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Nathan
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Sorry diets, I can't even because-pizza.
Thanks for the trophy!!!! โ€œ@ddscrap: Just like the moon, I will bleed for you.โ€ Follow her @ddscrap !!!!
Walmart cuts benefits for most part-time workers. Wait, there are benefits to working at Walmart?
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Monday you can fall apart, Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart, Thursday doesn't even start, It's Friday I'm in love...because I'm bipolar.
'If I don't Instagram this Pumpkin Spice Latte, did it ever really happen?' -White girls
Sorry I told the mattress sales person that my sleep number was listening to her sales pitch, but I just came to the mall for a Cinnabon.
Sorry I ate all the marshmallows out of the Frankenberry Cereal then put the box back like it never happened.
Outta my way and safety first brah-I'm on my way to steal your girl! pic.twitter.com/qygkkeslSR
I long for simpler times when a happy ending was me being a princess.
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"It's not brain surgery." -rocket scientist
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so Andrew Luck and the Geico caveman are the same person, right?
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That drunk girl that steals my phone and pretends to be me on here every weekend is coming over tonight.
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You still cling to what ought to be even though it isnโ€™t.
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I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" means I didn't have to get up to pee
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Alligators are just angry shoes.
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A funny thing comes along with needing someone.... You're never afraid to tell them you want them just as much... And they know it.
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It's pretty sad that the only item on Col. Sanders' bucket list was greasy chicken.
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Calling it Jerk Chicken is rude. Maybe it had a rough childhood, you don't know.
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"Houston Texans...We have a problem." -#ThursdayNightFootball
Andrew Luck is probably the best Amish football player in the League.
Hopefully ObamaCare comes out with Ebola supplemental insurance coverage soon-OBOLACARE.
CAKE LOVER'S KNUCKLE TATS: B-U-N-D T-M-A-N
Do you know anyone who plays the accordion? Good, then never talk to me.
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There's a story behind every flat tire I give someone.
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...and ebola, and ISIS, and our neighbors running out of candy on Halloween.
If the WiFi password at your place isn't clearly spelled out on the invitation, I won't be making it to your party.
Time to make the donuts, and self medicate... ๐Ÿ‘
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Technically anyone with a gluten allergy that eats food at my parties is a party pooper.
The stock market is down 300 points, but don't worry rich people-you can always use the lottery for your retirement plan like the rest of us
Forgot to DVR American Horror Story last night, but it's ok-I'll watch the home videos my parents made of me when I was little instead.
I love fall, it's the time of year I get to wear the clothes that hipsters have been wearing all summer.
If I put on my spandex before I go eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts, do the carbs still count?
If you pencil in your eyebrows, try writing "free pizza" if you want to attract guys.
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How long can we leave up our Columbus Day decorations?
If Ariana Grande, then her voice is muy, muy Grande!
I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I'm going to have to read it upside down.
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A fun way to make friends in an elevator is to softly kiss the neck of the person in front of you.
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I microwaved a frozen burrito that ended up cooked evenly all the way through, so the only thing left to do is wait for my Hogwart's letter.
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When my absence has no effect on your life Then my presence has no meaning in it either
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Every day is beautiful, if you know where to look.
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If you're creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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When you're truly great... you don't need to remind people.
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I would love to stay and socialize but Iโ€™m lying.
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Thanks for the trophy @Teowulf -let's toast to Adam and I can't Even! Follow him here---->favstar.fm/users/Teowulf
I don't think I've done a system update since 1998 but I've clicked "maybe later" 1,287 times.
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It's Adam and 'I can't Even', not Adam and 'I can't Steven'.