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Nathan
147,744 followers
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LIFE HACK: Name all your children 'Charity'. Deduct all of your income as 'Charitable Contributions.' You're welcome.
My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
I'm all for taking the cone of shame off the bro in the middle & leaving it on the others #ThisCouldBeUsButYouPlayin pic.twitter.com/t7DIomnzDh
Did you fall from heaven baby grrrrl, cuz you looked like hell when you hit the pavement...no, seriously-should I call a doctor or anything?
If you hold an empty Starbucks latte up to your ear, you can hear the sound of sighs from the condescending baristas inside.
FACE + BOOK = The furthest away from a book your face could ever be.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Summer is coming, spandex isn't for everybody. Thank you.
Follow my friend @TheHR3 ! Great pictures of beautiful people and animals from around the globe!
Some of us have families that care, and some of us are in the Burger King drive-thru right now.
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If a mob with pitchforks ever comes after me I'll just be all like, "Haaaay-ay" and that should keep them busy.
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The best thing about insomnia is the extra meal you get each day...
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You all know the odds are that the most responsible people are tweeting jokes and the jokes are all tweeting heartfelt messages about life.
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Not now, 30 mph speed limit
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My psychiatrist told me I have a superiority complex but I told him he clearly didn't know what he was talking about.
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We've replaced this accounts regular tweets with some that are actually funny.... let's see if anyone notices.
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I pride myself on perceptiveness but this week I've mistaken my daughter's laugh for A: weeping & B: choking. She has an "Ernie" laugh.
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This is the woman attacked by #BrittMcHenry No one for any reason deserves to be bullied. Choose Love❤ #StopBullying pic.twitter.com/gm0x5OXye2
Eminem's are the angriest candies you'll ever eat.
You put your right foot in, You put your right foot out, You put your right foot in & you probably should just stop being so indecisive.
I involuntarily snorted more pollen today than Gary Busey snorted cocaine. Thanks Spring.
You'll sleep when you're dead? Cool. I'll lose weight when I'm dead, so pass the cupcakes.
You know how sometimes you just have a gut feeling about something?....well I always have that feeling and it's called hunger.
I just used the word "nonchalantly" in a DM in case you were wondering how truly white I am
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I can't believe I grew up for this.
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If you always wait for the other person to start talking, it gets quiet very quickly.
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I enjoy the way the internet is destroying uncomplicated enjoyment of things. Who needed simple escapism anyway?
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They say everyone has at least one good book in them. Yours is a Teletubbies colouring book.
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You are the most ridiculous person I've ever met in my life and that's why I really, really like you.
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An apple a day could keep a lot of things away if you have good aim.
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*aggressively watches the new Star Wars trailer over & over again
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Tater tots are just like regular tots except you don't have to lure them into the woods with a candy house before you eat them.
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If I needed help complicating things, I'd have my thumb out.
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My thoughts have more ambition than my body.
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*Shawshanks my way out of twitter*
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My boundaries might be bendy for you... maybe...
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I never check what's Trending, I simply can't afford to hate society anymore than I already do
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I'm not really the jealous type, I say as I load my semi automatic.
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For some reason that doesn't totally make sense, after thirty the Friend Zone doesn't always seem all that bad.
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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I can't shop there because I don't understand their parking lot.
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Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want
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Launched my new #Instagram fay_fredricks is where to find me ... Don't forget the _ Lemme know what U think :) pic.twitter.com/tIXPQA363M
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Well The Weekend Is Here.Hopefully The Sun Will Be Out Tmrw.It's Chilly & Rainy:-( Maybe,Hopefully The Last Chilly Day.Enjoy Your Weekend-)
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People come and go, but life is simply about seeing who cares enough to stay.
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Thanks for the trophy @LunkenDrush !!! I hyperventilate every time I get a notification my mother tags me in a Facebook post! Follow her!!!
Dyslexic people probably wonder why Brian's get their own special surgeons.
How familiar 3 am is with those who are falling in love or falling apart.
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Not having to go anywhere is a nice place to be.
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Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I'd like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
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