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Nathan
131,368 followers
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The only time that I ever call people back is when my WiFi goes off.
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8h
Most likely twitter endings: 4 Mass twittercide 3 It was all just a dream 2 Turns out we're all in purgatory 1 Skynet takes over twitter
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8h
Awkward: When your Uber driver shows up, and it's the person you just avoided by telling them you were staying in that night.
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8h
Grandpa says he stares at women as they walk away because he's older now and his hindsight is no longer 20/20.
The only reason I got out of bed today was to go to the bathroom so yeah, I'm a man with a plan if anyone needs a date tonight or anything.
If you don't finish the entire sleeve of Thin Mints after you open it, you're either dying or you are practicing witchcraft.
If a Girl Scout sold me 4 boxes of Thin Mints but no one was there to see me eat them all in 1 sitting as I cried did I really get Diabetes?
Hyperventilating when my phone battery hits 10% is my superpower.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE OLD MEN WITH HEARING AIDS ON TWITTER!
I went to Walmart twice today. Once for groceries. Once because I just wanted to feel pretty but didn't want to get out of my pajamas.
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We are so bad at math that 12 out of 10 people won't get this.
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shoutout to all my people with massive trust issues wondering what i meant by this tweet
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"If you are helping someone out and expect something in return, you are doing business, not kindness"
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Good, better, best; never let it rest till your good is better and your better is best. -Anonymous
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Speak your mind. People will judge no matter what.
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Tip for men: Don’t ever ask “Did I do something wrong?” Of course you did. Why should I even have to tell you?
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If I was a ghost I would haunt other ghosts because ghosts never do that, and I would want to make a name for myself.
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@stockejock Happiness is also laughter. And you make me happy. Cause you make me laugh. When you fav my Greek tweets 😂💙
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Got a tan from the refrigerator light.
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Here's to another day at work pretending to like my colleagues.
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Love. Action word. As much and as long as you can. Preferably for ever.
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*tries to act all sexy* *turns you off like a blown light bulb*
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You say, "I'm so bored" like it's a bad thing.
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Overdosing on chocolate can only be counteracted by large doses of marshmallows & graham crackers. The S'more, you know...
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Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
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So you had a dad day Your socks are dark brown You put your cargo shorts on And you walked around town You had a dad day You had a dad day
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So you had a rad day You skateboard down You put your skater shoes on And parkoured around town You had a rad day You had a rad day
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I'm not so much a go getter, more like an apathetic avoider.
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It takes a big man to cry. And it takes a nasty ex to post pictures of him doing it on Facebook.
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Don't forget to criticize someone for what they said or did to make yourself feel better today.
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The shampoo bottle says “no more tears,” but it won’t wash away your regrets.
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'Now you see me, now you don't.' People who block me, probably.
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I don't need to be your first or last thought of the day just as long as I'm in your thoughts, I'm good.
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Hope people are having fun at my expense!
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I just puked in a recycling bin, so what now
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If you get attacked by a Moose in the woods, your best bet for surviving is to beat him off with your hands. Then offer him a cigarette.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos? Me: Noooo. I had one nacho. Hub: because they were stuck together? Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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I pulled on a cuticle too hard and now I am about to die.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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There is no point in trying to get me to see reason or logic.
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@stockejock, 1000 Favs! Your tweet has been favorited by 1000 people. favstar.fm/t/439250864596…
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I have looked into the abyss and it..well.. it was just a big hole, dark, couldn't see the bottom, don't know what the big fuss is about..
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Times my wife thinks it’s OK to kill: 1) war 2) self-defense 3) when someone forgets to use a coaster
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Mumford + Sons - banjos = Coldplay.
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Nothin disenchants like a man who acts too big for his britches
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Look at me. Learn about me. Love me. Laugh with me. & we will be just fine.
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