Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Want to get more twitter followers? Click here to watch our video.
'Turn down?.......FOR WHAT?!' - Angry hotel maids
I'm German, so the most I ever got touched growing up was when I was choking-my dad gave me the Heimlich then spanked me for eating too fast
Dear Grammar Nazis, Your sow, vain ewe probably think this grammatically incorrect tweet is about you?
SOME PEOPLE CALL ME: 1) space cowboy 2) gangster of love 3) Hello Clarice 4) Dr. Lecter? .....Oh Crap.....
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for the day-teach a man to fish, he'll open a Long John Silver's, fry it up, add some hush puppies and sell it.
You're so vain, you probably think this tweet is about you.
maybe if we all stay up monday morning will remain sunday night
Retweeted by Nathan
If I start a new diet on Monday, but I don't talk about it all day to everyone I see & post it on Facebook-did I really start a new diet?
My skin is the same color as every building in Arizona.
Retweeted by Nathan
If you're happy and you know it please let me know so I can stop trying so hard.
Retweeted by Nathan
Enjoy the yard work you call a salad, & try not to think about how many wild animals peed on it before it was 'washed' & put on your plate.
When do we toast The World Cup?
Shout out to all the parents who have to pretend to not be completely embarrassed by their kids lame hobbies.
Retweeted by Nathan
One of the hardest truths to face as an adult is that there is actually cats in America and the streets were never paved with cheese.
Retweeted by Nathan
Statistically speaking.... We've all dated someone, who dated someone, who dated someone, who dated someone, who dated Taylor Swift...
Retweeted by Nathan
Just burned my ears with a double shot, skinny mocha Ariana Grande on the radio.
Sure I'll share a salad with you-I'll take the croutons and cheese and you can eat all that other crap.
Every time more cowbell rings, The Blue Öyster Cult band sings.
Thanks to the lovely @louise58401 for the chalice! !!! Follow her here------>…
Sorry I referred to your minivan as a 'Kiddie Litter Box' when I told your husband to sell it and get back his man card.
Who needs good looks and a fat wallet when you've got a dozen doughnuts and know how to use them?
I'll buy the cow when the milk is free every time because I want a steak.
A strong man can handle a strong woman. A weak man will say she has an attitude.
Retweeted by Nathan