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Dear Obama, Please require a permit in the summer for: •bikinis •spandex •tank tops •jorts •tube tops •anything not long-sleeved or pants
Just bought some Easter candy in the 50% off aisle at Walmart so yeah, I found love in a hopeless place.
#thatawkwardmoment you realize no one read your tweet except the NSA.
The Wolf of Wall Street is my spirit animal.
Maybe it's a circus clown. Maybe it's Maybelline.
How many hours do I keep trying until I call the fire department if I can't get out of this pair of spandex?....asking for a friend.
Autocorrect corrected 'Easter' to 'Waster' Sunday...well played on 4/20 autocorrect, well played.
QUESTION: Do I drink water? ANSWER: Yes, a lot of it-it's in my coffee.
Sometimes I wonder if Björk was björne a bjerke.
A bush in the hand is better than two in the bird.
Thanks for the golden chalice @Kori_Okie !!! We'll fill it with Jello Pudding and take a brief pause for dessert!
Commercials for pizza, breadsticks and cinnamon rolls should be illegal after midnight.
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"Are you getting thicker? You feel like you're getting thicker." Things not to say when you hug a women.
Retweeted by Nathan
If you eat your donuts in the bathtub, you don't even need napkins
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#FF one of my Twitter favs @Sassafrantz you can find her here----->…
I'm depressed but not buy underwear at a thrift store depressed.
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*In the Batman voice* What aisle are the Peeps in?
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Just had a full conversation with a telemarketer using only the lyrics from Hall and Oates "I Can't Go For That."
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Ryan has problem with bad breath Ryan shops for new toothpaste Ryan see Colgate Ryan see Aim Ryan Seacrest
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Teeth so white they yodeled, played the banjo, and sang me some karaoke @MumfordAndSons songs.
Pretty sure an emoji has had more feelings than I ever have. :/
In the 50% off Easter Candy aisle at CVS is Where My Demons Hide. :/
I'm white, but not dying the quiche hot pink and purple for Easter while my kids hunt for Easter eggs in their Easter Sunday clothes white.