Want to Grow Your
Social Media, Free?
Dinner with your father reminded me I need a refill on my Xanax.
We have hundreds of stuffed animals in this house.
My kids just spent 20 minutes fighting over the same one.
It was Share Bear.
and every day, I give my dad the gift of disappointment-the gift that keeps on giving, all year long.
this explains our relationship perfectly. happy Father's Day pops! thank you for everything pic.twitter.com/mhABBtQT6J
Thanks for the trophy @nowarranty
! Hopefully my wife will let me wear the pants for her on #FathersDay #FF
When I say, "I'm just gonna go for it," there's a 99 percent chance I'm talking about a nap.
Lovin my Aunt and sweet grandma in Wichita, Kansas this morning. pic.twitter.com/rF28STWQMz
Hiking Evergreen Lake on Father's Day.
@ The Evergreen Lake House instagram.com/p/4NgdSAP_zx/
An angry cop with a failed marriage? Now I've heard everything. #TrueDetective
Shut up, Cindy Lauper you liar. Girls want life long commitment, stability, kids.
Fun is like 4/5ths down the list.
It's great...love doesn't consider age.
day to all the dads who are looking down from above 👼🏼even more today...I'm sure your families think of you daily 🙏🏻
Her: Is yr dad present in yr life?
Me: Is any dad ever really present?
Her: I know, right
Husband:*looks up from phone* Right dear
A quiet man is a thinking man...
A quiet woman is PISSED
There's no method to the madness, it just is what it is.
I drank an entire glass of water yesterday, so yeah I guess you could say I know a thing or two about detox.
If life is the joke, the liquor store is the punchline.
This one goes out to all the baby's daddies, baby's daddies daddies etc...Happy Father's day! instagram.com/p/4MpnSBJMMa/
Happy Father's Day to my one of a kind dad! I love him so much! Wishing a happy Father's Day to all the dads! pic.twitter.com/Pfv3i5uq4t
When people keep showing you over and over again who they are..
Hurry up, ladies!
Only a few more hours to tell him he's not really the daddy.
My heart skips a beat everytime I see my Wife
having my phone in her hand.
Had so much sugar that I almost kicked grandma in the face.
lol at chocolate bars that have resealable packets
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...
Never let anger hijack your words.
I would be the guy in Jurassic World who grabbed his margarita before running from the dinosaurs.
I'm aware of the rules I just don't like them
I think I speak for everyone here when I say nothing and just look at my phone.
Dad I love you because when I told you how I crapped a turd that looked just like the Nike symbol you scolded me for not photographing it
Love going grocery shopping with kids. It's always a battle of wits & endurance. My nephew just snuck Oreos in under the produce...
Thanks for the trophy @DreamRegulator
I'm a Girl Scout Cookie Monster! Follow him here---->favstar.fm/users/DreamReg…
Why didn't they just call it, 'You'd Better Keep Jurassic Outta This Park'?
Thanks for the trophy @thetobbie
! I was a vegetarian once until got hungry. Follow him here--->favstar.fm/users/thetobbie
on the same day a coincidence? I say nay-nay!
Sir, please put your shirt back on & get out of the kiddie pool
☀️HAPPY 1ST DAY OF SUMMERTIME SADNESS!☀️
Based on your contribution #FathersDay
should last about 30 seconds & Mother's Day should last for 9 months. Anyway, here's your present dad
I put my pants on just like any other dad, one leg at a time after my wife allows me when she's finished wearing them.
HAPPY DADDY ISSUES DAY!!!
[sees 5-year-old still in her pajamas]
Me: It's 4 p.m. Give me one good reason why you're not dressed yet.
5: I can't tell time.
Sorry if I breathed too heavily into the mic when I sang George Michael's 'Father Figure' for the special on #FathersDay
in church on Sunday
I think it's safe to say that men and women have different ideas on what should be considered a superpower...
Facebook = You realize that how different you're from others.
Twitter = You realize that there are people who know exactly how you feel.
5 second rule, but for Twitter crushes.