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Nathan
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Half the folks outside of Wall Street right now think they're there marching for Chlamydia Change-this is all just one big misunderstanding.
I feel bad for massage therapists, they probably feel fat all the time. :(
The first rule of Breakfast Club is BACON.
Every time I hear the group Imagine Dragons, I'm determined not to imagine dragons, but then I do-curse you and your power of suggestion!
I don't exercise. My motto is no pain, no pain.
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My rap name would be "Grandma said she'll pick me up at 9pm"
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Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
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Me and my good friend J. Shaw in the house for Sunday Night Football. In Charlotte, NC. pic.twitter.com/zgazoxez6t
Got to watch Sunday Night Football live tonight....wonder who I was rooting for? #SELFIE pic.twitter.com/oEXgPicGSA
How many of these Sam Smith songs do I have to take to kill myself?
Funny how your brunch is made with egg whites and probably eaten surrounded by people whites.
I don't play football, but I know how to throw a block on Twitter when some fool feels he's got to live tweet a game I decided not to watch.
My anaconda can't even unless you got buns hun.
Anyone who has flatulence and releases methane into the atmosphere at the Climate Change March today will personally be arrested by Al Gore.
I'm waiting for the anaconda to stop being so picky.
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Can you even?
You win some.. you loose some. (Don't forget to check back for more knot related motivational tweets all weekend long!)
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Thanks for the trophy @ItsMrWoody2U !!! They see me eye rollin', they haytin!!! Follow him here---》 favstar.fm/users/ItsMrWoo…
💚Thanks for the trophy@eliserose55 !!!! This is what I was looking for!!! ;) Follow her here---->favstar.fm/users/eliseros…B 💚
Hopefully the iPhone 6 Plus version of Siri can find its buyers some friends.
Ohh! It's Sunday!!! the N.F.L-ons are on tv today!!!
Got this free U2 download but....I still haven't found what I'm lookin for.
I would probably drive less and walk more if the sidewalks lit up like they did in the video "Billie Jean."
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On a scale of 1 to Pumpkin Spice Latte How many selfies did you post today?
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[spelling bee] Your word is 'Coke' "Umm, is Pepsi OK?" *judges discuss* No, we're sorry but Pepsi is P-E-P-S-I, not O-K. Sit down, nerd.
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Most of the things I've learned from you are dangerous to my health.
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“I got a free album on iTunes!” “Me too.” “U2?” “Yes, me too.” “No, U2?” “Yes, me too.” “NO, U2?!” “YES, ME TOO!!” “This isn’t fun anymore.”
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Life would be so simple without you... I don't want simple.
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I'm at my greatest connection with a football game when the announcer says "in trouble."
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I'm checking the warranty because this body is defective.
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I sleep with 2 guns in my bed in case a bro breaks in with tribal tattoo suggestions
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If I suddenly & constantly hear about a food after not hearing about it for 200 years, it probably sucks. Looking at you, quinoa.
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The average adult male is 60% water. Lil Wayne is 60% sizzurp.
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You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
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*Johnny Depp emerges from a pile of scarves at Neiman Marcus* Have you seen Tim Burton anywhere?
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Field of Dreams but pizza delivery guys walk out instead of baseball players.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll always have some Gump on a park bench trying to analyze it.
My anxiety doesn't attack, it just agitates me at inconvenient times throughout the day.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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Watching scary movies with a friend is fun because I point out which dumb character you would be.
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Confidently, I extend my finger. "PULL IT," I command. Indulgently, you comply. POOF I explode, leaving a pile of candy wrappers. My legacy.
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🎶Don't stop can't even, Hold on to that feee-lin'!🎶
I haven't heard from Gotye in like forever-now I guess he's just somebody that I used to know.
Dyslexic Mormons attend the Church of LSD.
Sir, I just can't understand why your anaconda is so picky.