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But I digress - I say, not knowing what digress means.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don't even remember what he did anymore.
Me: so he broke up w/ me
Gfs: *supportive hugs*
M: and once he said Beckham was too skinny to be in shape.
Gfs: *gasps* *one passes out*
Got kicked out of the state fair again for trying to fight Conway Twitty.
When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks.
Let Us Prey made it all the way to #2 on Amazon yesterday, and is still holding at #3 this morning. It was a fun ride.
How I feel about 80° November:
Been accused of thinking like an insane person but here, I feel at home. If any of you think I'm insane, there's evidence you are too...
Eyes that are in love see no flaws.
What doesn't kill you makes me wish I just had done the job myself.
I used to hate Monday's...
I still do...
But I used to too...
tampon ads severely overestimate my fitness level
There are only 2 seasons: I'm cold all the time and I'm hot all the time.
Spoke up five times during a conference call today. I just quoted Al Pacino movie speeches each time. Made the folks in Accounting cry.
Every day is an adventure when you're an idiot.
50 shades of let's just be friends
childproof snack packages please
In case ya'll were wondering, this is what Ben Carson looks like under his mask. @RealBenCarson
the best Jamiroquai song? [swirls brandy; the liquor briefly assumes shape of a roaring tiger] which drop of water in the sea is the wettest
Next on Real Hoardslaves of Neo Tokyo 20XX - Tarkus wants to devote 29% of the lifepod to space egg storage; Aiden 5000 feels 27% is enough
HILARIOUS Viral Vid! "Let It Go" Singing Dad Upstages Daughter At Her Own Funeral!
this web site is a hell to me and i want it to end
when it's raining & u have a torch but u dont wanna say anything bc u just moved to the area & ur trynna make friends
Nightly ritual. #ghostfacekilla
, you're pitching covers for Time Magazine now?
“Sir, you can’t make love in here.”
- bartender to old man drinking a tonic and gin
Great job being alive, everyone. Keep it up.
Relationship status : Taken (for granted)
Don't mind me, I'm just putting on my sexy-ass breathe right strip.
Opioids really do bring out the ultimate listening enjoyment of music
Really really 👌🏼
Happy Happy Friday 😊 Follow someone that makes you smile.
It's happening again
HR: Chad humping his chair?
Yep & this time he won't break eye contact. Please hurry
Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a "Beware of sharks" sign in my front yard.
[Holding gun inside of bank]
OKAY NOBODY MOVE.. I dropped one of my pills..
For reasons unknown, I still believe in people.
One important fact has guided me through most of my more important decisions in life...
I'd look horrible in prison orange
Some people actually like my tweets.
I call these people, "certifiable."
[on 1st date]
Him: You're very quiet
HIm: Ha! this is kinda awkward
*sits in morgue for 3 hours*
I became self aware today, it was awful
Me: then they landed on a forested moon with man eating teddy bears and Luke was never heard from again. The end. Night baby! 🤘🏼
If you want to trap me, set up a cage with a muscular man holding a puppy and I'll walk right in.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I'd love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
People don't stand as close to you in line once you begin chanting lines from 'Lord Of The Flies' while softly stroking their hair.
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
You know it's love when your heart stops but your mouth doesn't.