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Nathan
158,194 followers
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Never judge a book by its cover-judge it because it's a book, and you could've just watched the movie in less than half the time.
Like grandpa always said, 'If at first you don't succeed, You're obviously not very good at it so just stop it and try something else!'
"I don't care what anyone thinks about me!!" ... she yelled while holding a fake Louis Vuitton bag.
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Yellow lights give me anxiety.
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Texts you from the trunk "are we there yet?"
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My parents told me I could be anything, so I worked up the courage to be a train wreck. Yeah, even now, they can't look away...
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Advertised as a "Cougar Cruise" Reality - Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats
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LAMP FOR SALE: gold, antique, good patina, evil genie, functions like new, you will be killed, shiny, polished, be careful what you wish for
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Cop: do u know why I pulled u over Me: for speeding Cop: yes. Thats illegal Me: [small town pizza lawyer voice] oh its all perfectly legal
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Whenever a handyman comes over I put vampire rock on the radio to make sure he knows who he is dealing with
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#Twitter is about five years ahead of #Facebook in the news-dissemination department. They won't catch up. Too many cat videos in the way.
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I don't know why I keep gaining weight. All I had for lunch was vegan salad and about 10 mini donuts.
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It only takes one person to ruin your day. Hi.
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Maybe if I was nicer to my problems they would leave me.😉
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Nobody's phone is ever off...They are lying.
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Everyone should have a special someone they can tell everything, and anything to... even if it is only a cat.
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You call it an anger problem, I call it redecorating for free. Be grateful.
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When you go with the flow you get lost in the crowd.
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A @FavstarOfTheDay trophy for one of my all time favourites @stockejock! Thanks brother, you freakin rock!!! #ff favstar.fm/users/stockejo…
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If I ever have a daughter I shall name her "daughter". Keep things simple
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[date orders a glass of water] That's what dogs eat when they get hot.
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Jokes are like microwaves. All about the whirr ding.
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Unfortunately, the house having 'period features' turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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Debra Winger is a good actress, but at the end of An Officer and a Gentleman she got carried away.
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My wife was talking about something as we drove through the car wash & I accidentally lowered her window...all the way down.
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I'm only here to talk about salmon products and summer wear.
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It's nice when a man holds a door for me or gives me all the money in his bank account.
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Sure, your husband might be taller... I'm Canadianer
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*pushes intercom button* "Sheila, please bring me some coffee and get those scones I like." -"YOU GET OUT OF YOUR FATHER'S OFFICE! NOW!!!"
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I'm scared of wasps and tying my shoes when someone is watching
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If you can say 'Lake Titicaca' with a straight face we are not friends.
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I'm sorry is that your eye makeup or are you a burglar from the 1920s?
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You fall in love with someone for so many reasons. Remember that ~ especially on the bad days.
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Socialising is an experience you share with other people that makes you appreciate being alone
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Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver, And my mother in law was annoying me officer.
No need to put 'Bipolar', 'Crazy', 'Delusional', or 'Abnormal' in your bio-this is Twitter we're all the same. We get it. Welcome home.
If you wondered how classy my small town is, the grocery store by my house had to add the last line to this sign. pic.twitter.com/cZja0Fc4NF
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A lot of people don't know this, but you don't have to make your own bed and you can still lie in it whenever you want
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Sorry to constantly tweet about the trends but I was always a Sporty Spice guy.
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"Daddy, I wanna be like you when I grow up" "You better hope your mother doesn't hear you say that"
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I won't deny that I'm a beast. But my guts are beautiful.
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When the air conditioner repair guy says you need a new "capacitor" and you wonder quietly if it's like the "flux capacitor."
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Mid interview Me singing: I'm a little teapot, short & stout Interviewer: I fail to see how this qualifies you Did u see my jazz hands?
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Look. I'm a white suburban mother of 3 who drives a minivan & owns a crockpot. Saying I'm "gangsta" will NEVER stop being funny.
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Thanks for the trophy @_troyjohnson !!! Always remove your dirty K-Cup! Follow this funny guy here---->favstar.fm/users/_troyjoh…
When @TonyRobbins takes the photo it's called a self helpie.
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have: Has all own teeth
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