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Nathan
177,998 followers
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If you eat at Cracker Barrel & say 'Kenny Rogers' three times, he'll appear & sing while someone steals your house, your truck & your woman.
I just made coffee without using a Keurig like the pioneers did in the olden days so I'm basically a barista now if anyone needs anything.
When wife hands you lemons, you'd better remember how to make the lemonade, because if she told you once-she told you a million times.
*SLIDES INTO YOUR DM's LIKE*
Nice try, yield sign. I can barely spell yield, much less grasp the concept. I can go? When? What? Now? Is that dude stopping?
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Shout out to the top 4 Bridges of all time, Jeff, Todd, London, and of Madison County.
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"I'm just going to focus on me." Translation: I'm single and I hate everyone.
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What's the opposite of into you? I'm that.
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Left my earbuds at home and now I have to listen to life like some sort of savage.
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Oh, I thought The Bachelorette was about bachelor hobbits. This is stupid.
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You dream of being a thousand different things. But, in the end, all you are is a scar.
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I think I'm at a good place in my life -I think to myself as I lay down in the fetal position on train tracks
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I'm pleasant to talk to if you like mean people.
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i'll go well out of my way to avoid pronouncing the word "açaí"
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I mark all automated "Thanks for following" DMs as abusive. You can never be too safe with sickos like that.
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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Never trust a guy with more than zero rhinestones on his jeans.
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You can't fall off the wagon if you always just take an @Uber home instead.
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I don't think I'll do life today.
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[waits for the drugs to kick in]
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Valerie on FB said "I never rant but here goes". Someone knocked on Valerie's door and she is safe. Valerie is safe you guys.
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Hell yeah! I didn't waste my penny in that wishing well, McDonald's just announced they'll be serving breakfast all day.
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*Chewing on Altoids cause **it's refreshing *popping Xanax **I'm dying inside
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There are hidden miracles everywhere in this world, you just have to find them.
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I just want whatever drugs Tigger was on.
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Dances with Wolves is my favorite movie about something I really wish you'd try.
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The best part about working 7 days a week is every day feels like Friday. Or Monday. Did I say best part? What year is it? Who's president?
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So I guess I'm sharing this Diet Coke with my butt? instagram.com/p/5ljFEWqU1j/
In the sage words of the lyrical Bubba Sparxxx, "get it ripe, get it right, get it tight" which best explains my fruit buying theology.
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9 year old me: Can I go to the bathroom? 4th grade teacher: I don't know. CAN YOU? -1st memory of wanting to stab someone
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I'm an extrovert who got along well in high school (did not in middle school) and I have no food allergies. On the internet, I am a unicorn.
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Do u ever screw up a hug so bad you have to take 10 min to mentally recover from it & then avoid that person for the rest of your life?
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My heart skips a beat everytime I see my Wife . . . . having my phone in her hand.
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I'm going to get so trashed that I don't remember what's his name...🙌🏼🙅🏻
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How come they keep making all these Mission "Impossible" movies? Obviously the missions ARE possible. That's why there's like 5+ movies...
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Being a gentleman never goes out of style.
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You know, for some people, the struggle is fake.
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Having a high IQ has its benefits, like over-thinking, anxiety, sleeplessness, second guessing, restlessness, intimacy issues, etc.
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I am like the best friend a person could possibly have, but I would never help someone bury a body. Cremating it is so much easier.
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I was an extra in this #Sharknado3 roller coaster scene, They said it would all make sense when we saw the finished film. They lied.
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I'm no expert but if you "cross the streams" & confuse DC universe with Marvel Universe it's as if million fan voices cry out in terror ..
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I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE REPUTATION TO DESTROY ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
Donald Trump is the wind beneath my reasons for not trusting politicians.
Performing tonight with @stockejock, @magsisforreal, @DrAndyRoark, and many more at the @AlchemyComedy theatre at 7:30! Fun times!!
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