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Nathan
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Dinner with your father reminded me I need a refill on my Xanax.
We have hundreds of stuffed animals in this house. My kids just spent 20 minutes fighting over the same one. It was Share Bear.
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This #FathersDay and every day, I give my dad the gift of disappointment-the gift that keeps on giving, all year long.
this explains our relationship perfectly. happy Father's Day pops! thank you for everything pic.twitter.com/mhABBtQT6J
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Thanks for the trophy @nowarranty ! Hopefully my wife will let me wear the pants for her on #FathersDay #FF him!!--->favstar.fm/users/nowarran…
When I say, "I'm just gonna go for it," there's a 99 percent chance I'm talking about a nap.
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Lovin my Aunt and sweet grandma in Wichita, Kansas this morning. pic.twitter.com/rF28STWQMz
An angry cop with a failed marriage? Now I've heard everything. #TrueDetective
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Shut up, Cindy Lauper you liar. Girls want life long commitment, stability, kids. Fun is like 4/5ths down the list.
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It's great...love doesn't consider age.
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Happy #Fathers day to all the dads who are looking down from above 👼🏼even more today...I'm sure your families think of you daily 🙏🏻
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[therapy] Her: Is yr dad present in yr life? Me: Is any dad ever really present? Her: I know, right Husband:*looks up from phone* Right dear
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A quiet man is a thinking man... A quiet woman is PISSED
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Plot twist There's no method to the madness, it just is what it is.
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I drank an entire glass of water yesterday, so yeah I guess you could say I know a thing or two about detox.
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If life is the joke, the liquor store is the punchline.
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This one goes out to all the baby's daddies, baby's daddies daddies etc...Happy Father's day! instagram.com/p/4MpnSBJMMa/
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Happy Father's Day to my one of a kind dad! I love him so much! Wishing a happy Father's Day to all the dads! pic.twitter.com/Pfv3i5uq4t
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When people keep showing you over and over again who they are.. ..believe them
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Hurry up, ladies! Only a few more hours to tell him he's not really the daddy.
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My heart skips a beat everytime I see my Wife . . . . having my phone in her hand.
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Had so much sugar that I almost kicked grandma in the face.
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lol at chocolate bars that have resealable packets
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Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...
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I would be the guy in Jurassic World who grabbed his margarita before running from the dinosaurs.
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I'm aware of the rules I just don't like them
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I think I speak for everyone here when I say nothing and just look at my phone.
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Dad I love you because when I told you how I crapped a turd that looked just like the Nike symbol you scolded me for not photographing it
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Love going grocery shopping with kids. It's always a battle of wits & endurance. My nephew just snuck Oreos in under the produce...
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Thanks for the trophy @DreamRegulator I'm a Girl Scout Cookie Monster! Follow him here---->favstar.fm/users/DreamReg…
Why didn't they just call it, 'You'd Better Keep Jurassic Outta This Park'?
Thanks for the trophy @thetobbie ! I was a vegetarian once until got hungry. Follow him here--->favstar.fm/users/thetobbie
#SummerSolstice & #FathersDay on the same day a coincidence? I say nay-nay! Sir, please put your shirt back on & get out of the kiddie pool
☀️HAPPY 1ST DAY OF SUMMERTIME SADNESS!☀️ #SummerSolstice
Based on your contribution #FathersDay should last about 30 seconds & Mother's Day should last for 9 months. Anyway, here's your present dad
I put my pants on just like any other dad, one leg at a time after my wife allows me when she's finished wearing them. #FathersDay
HAPPY DADDY ISSUES DAY!!! #FathersDay
[sees 5-year-old still in her pajamas] Me: It's 4 p.m. Give me one good reason why you're not dressed yet. 5: I can't tell time. Touché.
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Sorry if I breathed too heavily into the mic when I sang George Michael's 'Father Figure' for the special on #FathersDay in church on Sunday
I think it's safe to say that men and women have different ideas on what should be considered a superpower...
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Facebook = You realize that how different you're from others. Twitter = You realize that there are people who know exactly how you feel.
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5 second rule, but for Twitter crushes.
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