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Nathan
134,376 followers
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We aren't called to judge how the person arrived at their point of need & desperation but to love them, reach out our hand & lift them up.
Did you say you had Girl Scout Cookies?! #BootyHadMeLike pic.twitter.com/d5xmjzKlzx
That roll of bills in my pocket is a five dollar bill on the outside of about $3,000 G's in Kohl's Cash in case anyone needs a Sugar Daddy.
Pharrell and Robin Thicke copied Blurred Lines?!...that's so Marvin Gaye.
These Thin Mints pair great with my depression and a side of Xanax.
The Twitter elites could be homeless guys with Obama phones.. We may never know
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An all-male Ghostbusters is great, but when are we gonna see an all-male redo of The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood ?
Emails? All I want to know is what level of Candy Crush is Hillary really on?
When Bae won't stop asking you questions about your email account: pic.twitter.com/YwfrvK51UR
Old women calling their husbands 'Daddy' is why I have nausea issues.
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A better name for pot luck would be salmonella roulette.
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I'm sick of living in the past but it's my fault really for being too lazy to change the time on my microwave and stove
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What does "incoming call" mean? Keeps happening on my Twitter device.
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Dating me has the same side effects as antidepressants.
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Just because you didn't see me react when I see you doesn't mean I didn't notice you or that I didn't react.
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Pro Tip: Vodka pairs well with most things.
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She told me not to get her anything for her birthday and like an idiot I listened.
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Violence never solves anything, but threatening to sell their social security number and personal information on the internet does.
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Singing "Let's Get Physical" when your Doctor comes in to give you your physical is apparently not cool anymore.
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...but I like my age. I can't wait to grow older. The confidence I feel in my skin...Rawwrrr!
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This day in history. 1961. Sputnik 9 returned the dog Chernushka safely from orbit to spend the rest of its career biting guys in lab coats.
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What really matters is how happy the home is rather than how big the house is.
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Of all the things I'm thankful for, I'm most thankful that my dog can't talk.
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Just so you guys know I'm gonna watch Bates Motel later so it's a big possibility all my tweets will be "NORMAN NO EWWW" #BatesMotelSeason3
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Monster trucks, beer, guns, beef jerky, Sheryl Crow. I just gained 5 followers from the Midwest.
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Physical attractions are common, but a mental connection is rare.
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Did you buy your Powerball ticket yet?! No. Did you enroll in Statistics yet?
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The best way to make a woman stop talking ... Kiss her
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Some of the bravest people I know are the one's that sign out of twitter
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I didn't have to teach my kids to stay out of my meds. Them dragging their tongues on the carpet from muscle relaxers was lesson learned.
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An all male cast puts the 'Buster' back in Ghostbusters.
PLOT TWIST: When you assume, you make an ass of you and leave me out of it.
PLOT TWIST: Where there's a will-there's a way, José
Thanks for the trophy @ISOremarkable !!! I hope Jose stops being so negative. Follow her here--->Favstar.fm/users/ISOremar
"No way." -Jose
Send me an automated DM so I know it's real.
How long after #DaylightSavingTime can I start acting white again?
I had a plan to impress her by cooking beans for dinner, but it backfired.
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don't have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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"Kids, I don't know how to break this to you..." "Wait... Come outside for a second." *scrapes Grandma sticker off minivan*
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Twitter must've passed that new law where nobody's allowed to RT me anymore
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If you're in New York and you get cut off there's a 97% chance the car will have a Yankees bumper sticker.
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"Cheer up", I say, curing someone of depression.
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Get her in the mood with the 2 for $4 BK breakfast sandwich deal. Follow your taste buds to romance.
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Simon says lower your expectations.
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Yeah I can do sexy things with my mouth, like this one time I licked off the nacho cheese I spilled in my hair during a movie.
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Some of my exes are so crazy they went out and fell in love with other men, married them and even had their children just to make me jealous
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Sometimes I can't decide whether to reply lol, ha or haha so I just cry instead
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