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Nathan
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'No officer, grandma didn't get run over by a reindeer-it was a JOHN Deere, and I was driving it.'
This Christmas, all I'm asking Santa for is World Peace. Let us all pray for World Peace. pic.twitter.com/7NF5Q5jOkT
Taking lots of selfies today for Throw Back Thursday next week on Thanksgiving Day when I'll be 10lbs fatter and wallowing in guilt & shame.
Just saved 15% or more on disappointment by telling my momster in law I won't be able to come to Thanksgiving dinner because I've got ebola.
Thanks for the chalice m'lady! Cheers to World Peace! Follow @sophied40 here--->favstar.fm/users/sophied40
I love you, but I'm not "let you control the music in my car" in love with you.
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I'm usually the first to say "I love you" and "we're out of liquor"
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If u splash Brut on a pair of khakis & rub the pocket 3X's while traveling in a minivan a Dad will emerge & tell u you're "making good time"
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A guy at work put WD40 on my car door after I said it sometimes sticks in the cold, then he said I looked pretty so I guess I have a BF now.
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Not everything should have a General Tso Flavor. I'm looking at you milkshakes.
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Just ate a yogurt with a steak knife because there were no clean spoons & I like to live on the edge if anyone needs a risqué date tonight.
My heart rate just doubled after my third cup of coffee, so yeah-I worked out.
I'll be thankful on Thanksgiving as long as my Gramms doesn't unbutton her mom-jeans at the table again this year to eat a 2nd piece of pie.
Let's celebrate Thanksgiving by eating too much & pass out while watching football because that's what our Founding Fathers would've wanted.
Tweet like you refilled your prescription!
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NOPE. I hate nuts in my fruitcake. pic.twitter.com/soc17PSbRR
IRONY: Bill Cosby could become the recipient of the very crimes he committed at the hand of a man named 'Fat Albert' in jail.
They may as well arrest him because now they have 'Probable Cosby'.
PLOT TWIST: I CAN even!!!!
So upset I missed #MCM (Manson Crush Monday) !
TV Land has pulled reruns of "The Cosby Show" from its lineup. People were uncomfortable falling asleep while it was on.
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If Kim Kardashian really wanted to #BreakTheInternet she would've married Manson.
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I'm "When I hear that beat I always hope it's 'Under Pressure' and disappointed when it's 'Ice, Ice Baby'" years old.
Ariel: "But I love him, daddy!" *sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*
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Buddy the Elf is my spirit animal you cotton headed ninny-muggins!
Open a Twitter account, they said! It'll be a little diversion, they said!
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I'm a turkey in the streets and Tryptophan in the sheets.
I got you and your annoying bride some sweaters for Christmas to warn everyone when you're coming. pic.twitter.com/l1bK9vIcij
Went to 711 for lunch and couldn't get nachos because they ran out of cheese which is basically the same thing as dying alone.
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The good thing about people driving with me the second time is that I never have to remind them to put their seatbelt on
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We're not supposed to shave our Movember growth until Festivus right?
So excited I'm only 5lbs away from my pre-New Year's Resolution weight, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!
Why don't we just call it 'Grow-vember'?
FUN FACT: The usage of the word Tryptophan increases exponentially by people that don't understand its meaning in the last half of November.
Is Charles Manson divorced yet?
now that it's late at night and most of the world is offline I'd like to quietly put it out there I think Charles Mansons girlfriend is hot
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My mother called it. Even Charles Manson would get married before me.
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If the opposite of a nervous break down is a nervous break up I'm gonna go ahead and pass on that too.
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How many innocent peas died to make that coat, you monster?!!
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We better not break the Internet or Al Gore is gonna be pissed.
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The real Thanksgiving is after everyone goes home.
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What do people without kids do when they’re right in the middle of watching cartoons and want another breakfast beer from the fridge?
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GUYS GUYS GUYS: SUPER BARRIO MOTHERS. That joke took me 24 years to write.
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"Oops!... I Did it Again" is the #1 song that pops in my head whenever I play with someone's heart or eat 8lbs of peanut butter
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Luckily Charles Manson is marrying someone who is too young to care about the 1960s.
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