"Here's my beard. Ain't it weird? Don't be sceered. Just a beard."-George Carlin
Thinking of my dad, Edwin, and all veterans today.
Last night, my son explained to me that "Pumpernickel" loosely translated, means "Devil's Fart". He is, in fact, correct.
I wish that I had a better attention.
Why did I just spend an hour on Amazon looking at sweatpants? I don't need/want a pair of sweatpants.
I love that new reality show where everyone argues with one another.
I love that new TV show about the really attractive cops/witches/vampires/firefighters/forensic investigators.
I'm glad that the unauthorized use of NFL broadcasts is "strictly prohibited"; if it were just "prohibited" all hell would break loose.
Still working on Royal Baby joke. May end up being a Royal Infant, or Royal Toddler joke.
"Give a Stranger a Smile Day" results: 23% confused, 34% agitated, 43% annoyed.
"Royals" by Lorde. Love it.
This is not a paid endorsement: The NutriBullet is awesome.
Thank you Restaurant Gary Danko. Outstanding dinner. Outstanding staff. Perfect.
I am going to do a "Royal Baby" joke in about four months. Hope that it's not played out by then.
I like people who take things literally.. It saves on the explaining.
I like people who pretend to be unique.
On July 7th, 237 years ago, our founding fathers must have been crapping their pants.
Bought a fart gun at Target today. For my kids. Not for me. For my kids. They think that it's hysterical. Not me. Fart gun.
James Gandolfini. Unbelievably sad news. A fine man.
Wrought iron furniture is as comfortable as wrought iron underwear.
To "dabble" is to be bad at something from time to time.
Tomorrow I am going to start not growing a beard.
Watched an entire episode of "Good Luck Charlie" and realized that neither of my kids were in the room.I think I'm a "Good Luck Charlie"fan.
I can see how typing the word "prolly" instead of "probably" is a huge time saver. Much like the cotton gin.
The best thing about being not overly attractive, is that, as you age, you merely become less not overly attractive.
My heart aches for the people of Boston.
Jonathan Winters was wildly funny.
This morning my wife asked my son if he had made his bed.
Johnny: "Yes and no."
Nancy: "What does that mean?"
"Nothing is possible if you just believe it isn't." #unwisewords
Heading to North Korea for much needed family vacation. Got a great deal on hotel and rental car.
I think that Emily Bronte was sitting next to me on the plane. Offered her a lozenge.
Thinking of the cast, crew, writers, et al of "The Office" on your final day of filming. Love you.
Wondering if Alex Trebek's job is still available. #Throwingmyhatinthering
My 9 year old son just did his impression of Jacob from "Twilight: "I prefer not to wear a shirt because I want to show my four dog nipples"
When someone says "You da man!", I truly believe that I am, in fact, da man.
At the world premier of #burtwonderstone
at SXSW Filmfest
The Carells loved "O" by Cirque du Soleil. Thrilling, beautiful, and fun.
Had lunch with Jeremy Irons and James Caan today. #lyingfornoreason
Watched "Jurassic Park" with my son this weekend. We are thinking about getting a pet Velociraptor. Maybe a rescue.
Lunch and a movie with my daughter today. I love that she still holds my hand.
Today I watched a man smell some crabmeat, wince, and then eat it.
Hey, city of Pittsburgh: Thanks for the hospitality. Many warm and generous people. Now start playing some hockey!
I have never met a witch. I have no idea how cold their "breasts" are. But it was pretty chilly today.
Just saw Santa Claus as he disappeared up the chimney. I am stunned. What a shocker. I stand corrected about the whole "Santa" thing.