The FDA is phasing out antibiotics in meat. Which means soon, you can order steak without a prescription.
TONIGHT: Obama makes a faux pas. Come on, Mr. President! At least embarrass us in English! @ColbertReport
I believe in helping the homeless. That's why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
TONIGHT: A new Republican plan to attract women. Can 80-year-olds pull off Axe body spray? @ColbertReport
, 11:30 p.m.
New study says exercise boosts creativity, but I'm not convinced. My
guitar playing always seems to suffer on the elliptical.
I bet the Batpope has never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And to my Canadian viewers, big mistake. You should be American.
I hope all you have a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm sorry, I meant Merry Christgiving.
A million dollars in gold bars was found in an airplane's toilet. What part of "only toilet paper" don't they understand?
With Olympic officials appropriating the rainbow flag, gays should steal Russia's national colors: soot and ash.
Remember, kids: cocaine-buying Rep. Trey Radel was into hip-hop, so let this be a warning about the dangers of the Congressional lifestyle.
I'm not saying vote 4 me in the #peopleschoice
Awards. I'm just trying 2 understand why Conan, Kimmel, Fallon, & Letterman would call U fat.
The Dow hit an all-time high of 16,000 today. You know what that means... I hope, because I don't.
Colbert Nation beats China! $100K+ for Philippines relief! I demand a seat on the UN Security Council! Text COLBERT to 50555 to donate $10.
Nation, you've already donated $85,560! Text COLBERT to 50555 to donate $10 to Convoy of Hope's Typhoon Response Efforts in the Philippines.
2NITE: My guests are gospel group The @blindboys
of Alabama. They're about to meet the Tone-Deaf Boy of South Carolina. @ColbertReport
Celebrate 150th Anniv. of Gettysburg Address! Learn it, record it, share it! Here's mine: bit.ly/1hNw4zX @TheAddressPBS @KenBurns
The Olympic torch has returned from space. I hope it didn't burn up on re-entry.
TONIGHT: Scandal hits a trusted news source! Evidently it should've been a FORTY percent chance of showers. @ColbertReport
2NITE: "I want genetically modified foods. Cuz you are what you eat, and I'm hoping one day a mutant tomato can give me heat vision." 11:30p
A North Dakota woman says she'll give chubby kids disapproving letters on Halloween instead of candy. Still beats candy corn.
Today's sweater weather report: light pilling with a chance of argyle.
My World Series prediction: once again, it will go to America.
American Academy of Pediatrics says kids should be limited to 2 hrs. of texting/tweeting a day. Good, that still allows for 22 hours of TV!
2NITE: My guest Orlando Bloom stars on Broadway in ROMEO AND JULIET. Wow, they made that Leonardo DiCaprio movie into a play! @ColbertReport
Colbert & Fallon: BFFFOMN! (Best Friends Forever For One More Night!) I interview Jimmy! Sun. 11/24 - NJPAC 8pm - montclairfilmfest.org/celebrity-fund…
I've always had a soft spot for endangered species. Primarily on my plush Siberian tiger rug.
It’s a competition between me and @stephenfry
to see who can get the most RTs. So childish! #LordoftheTweets
Please retweet this. Sincerely, Stephen #lordofthetweets
My guest @stephenfry
is a British actor, screenwriter, author, journalist, TV host, & activist. Too bad, I could really use a notary. 11:30p
Anyone who's seen my show knows I'm no fan of President Obama. Also anyone who's seen my lower back tattoo.
2NITE: The latest in the world of erotic literature! Consult your doctor if your hardcover lasts more than four hours. @ColbertReport
TONIGHT: Are we losing the War On Drugs? Or are we winning the War on Oreos and Mozzarella Balls? @ColbertReport
Qatar was accused of paying slave wages to build stadiums for the 2022 World Cup. That's horrible. We'll still be playing soccer in 2022?!
Ocean acidification is at the highest level in 300 million years. In other words: instant ceviche!
2NITE: My guest Chris Matthews (@hardball_chris
) has written a book about bipartisanship. Ask your parents what bipartisanship is. 11:30 pm
2NITE: My guest Daniel Radcliffe plays Beat poet Alan Ginsberg in KILL YOUR DARLINGS, aka HARRY POTTER AND THE STARVING HYSTERICAL NAKED.
2NITE: Vince Gilligan will discuss last night's @BreakingBad_AMC
finale. To avoid spoilers, watch the previous 1246 episodes of TCR first.
Scientists now say adolescence lasts until age 25. To which 25-year-olds responded "No it doesn't! GOD! Get out of my room!"
Anybody seen my pancake mix? Couldn't find it in the cabinet so I figured I'd ask you guys.
2NITE: My guest Joseph Gordon-Levitt (@hitRECordJoe
) wrote, directed and stars in DON JON. But what he really wants to do is sound editing!
2NITE: My guests @Metallica
have a new 3-D IMAX concert film called THROUGH THE NEVER. It's like the Never is coming right at you! 11:30pm
BEHIND behind the candelabra!! pic.twitter.com/ejicdKUZdP
Congress must vote to repeal Obamacare a 42nd time. After all, 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
"From Day 1, I've vowed to stop Obamacare or die trying. Knowing my luck, I'll almost die and get nursed back to life by Obamacare!" 11:30pm
"I pride myself on my decisiveness. If I ever lost my ability to instantly know my next course of action, I don't know what I'd do." 11:30p
Doing great in my Fantasy Football league, in which I fantasize that football is actually a delicious 3-foot hoagie.
Kanye West performed for a brutal dictator. But, in his defense, he probably never thought we'd find out about it.